I am so drained

[coworkerfriend]

What I am doing?  I just don't know anymore.  My pwBPD is slipping into such a depression this week.

We began the week so solid - we had a meeting about future expansion plans on Tuesday and since then, he has been spiraling downward.  I have been giving him space - not engaging in any rage or venting.  I have been trying to accept that he gets like this.  I know he gets like this.  I have seen him like this before.  Wednesday, we had a meeting that I thought went really well.  By the end of the day, he was leaving me - wanting to end it all - can't stand his life.

Today, I kept to myself and he asked me to have lunch with him.  It was quiet and I let him lead the discussions.  We had two other meetings to go to.  The first was fine and I really thought that he was pulling himself up a bit.  The second meeting was a whole different story.   He was quiet and depressed immediatetly. 

He came into my office and I tried to validate how he was feeling.  I truly understand his frustrations and I tried to explain to him that I do.  He wants to end this all.  He is in pain.  I do understand that. 

He left saying that I just cemented in his head what a loser he is and that it is over. I don't even know what that means anymore. 

He said that I just tell him what he wants to hear and it is meaningless.   With his head being in the bad place it is, I don't want to move forward on expanding. He said we are too far in and he has no control.  He has to do what everyone wants.   He said he has no control - that I control everything. I don't know why I tried to talk to him.  I know he is in a horrible place in his head.

Every single day, I try to focus on work but I feel so drained. I know I am drained from years of dealing with this. I keep focusing on the progress we have made. I know that  I can not let his depression conrol me. I am struggling.

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[coworkerfriend]

Ok - time to take care of myself.  I have spent the past hour thinking about radical acceptance and taking care of my mentall health.

I need to try to find the confident woman I was.  I need my positive self. I need to let go of letting him control my emotions.

I am in a relationship with someone who is suffering from a mental illness. I am in a professional and personal relationship with someone who is suffering.

When he is good, he is funny, smart and charming.  He is kind and loving. He has a huge heart and passionate about everything.

Everyone has good days and bad days.  i am thankful that I know more about his bad days.

Our relationship is not what I thought it would be. It may not continue.  It may improve.  I accept this.

[rollercoaster24]

Dear coworkerfriend,

Oh I hear you!

It must be incredibly harder working with that special someone as well... Top points to your professionalism and strength...

Being drained, I hear you on that one too...

I honestly don't know how you do it... Being involved with someone with BP in your personal life is extremely difficult, let alone being at work with them as well... My partner helped me out at work from time to time, (as he has been unemployed now for some time). I found it too challenging, because he would come to see me whilst I was doing my job, offer to help, but virtually do nothing, and create huge drama for me whilst he did it... .  There were also times when he would be delightful and extremely helpful company, but the former was more frequent... .  

I also for a time, was subcontracting myself, and offered him the chance to make some extra money, I would pay him for what he did, the same rate as I was... As we were involved in property cleaning, I was being given the list of jobs to complete, and only the items on the list were to be completed... If by chance you finished the work in reasonable time, you could obviously do anything extra as a bonus, but only after you had finished the list...

I had considerable problem with BP ignoring me, doing all this other stuff that was not requested, and then complaining that it had taken us too long... .  and becoming highly stressed, which then triggered all his other issues as well... In the end, I had to cease doing it, as I already had other sites I was also managing, and BP became aggressive and threatening in the background, when I was negotiating issues on the phone, (with the boss!)... .  about the properties we were working on... .  

At one point, BP set out to do garden maintenance and external cleaning, I supported him in his doing this independantly, but he only did it once... He had issues with the man he did the job for, and instead of listening to what the guy wanted done, again, BP did other extra stuff and then charged for his time... .  The guy felt he had been overcharged, so BP charged him less, but went on about it for a year... He never pursued further work in that line...

I know BP is very good at whatever he does, and I give all credibility for his application and effort, he just needs to follow requests and orders a little better, that way he doesn't feel taken advantage of himself, for something he really didn't need to do anyway...

In reference to your final lines, I can relate to you on that too... That is my staNPDoint emotionally also... the last week has been less drama than usual, but none the less excruciatingly painful, so I am coming to that acceptance too... .  

You often feel like just staying silent, because anything you say sets them off on a tailspin, but if you do you are accused of something as well... there is also the fact that you cannot just soak up all their feelings and pain without it affecting you... it must be horrible for them to be in that much pain, inside their minds and hearts...

[coworkerfriend]

Rollercoaster - Thank you.  You put into words exactly the emotions I deal with on a weekly basis.  I will be trying to focus on a project - he will come in - create drama - ignore me - not doing what is needed to get done - being on his own agenda  - complaining that I do too much or too little - being aggressive and talking while I am on the phone with a customer/banker/etc.

Even in times of less emotional drama, figuring out the balance of getting the projects done and who is going to do them wears me down.

I stay silent at times and that is a problem.  I say something and it triggers a rage. 

I have learned.  I spent years in circular arguements using JADE.  It was hell.  I used to think that I could fix it - do the right thing - and he would see how his outbursts hurt me.

I have been accepting that he will never understand my pain.  Writing my thoughts out in these posts have helped me.  Accepting he is suffering from a mental illness is hard.  I know it and I accept I can not fix it.

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

Hey coworker, I feel for you... .  be strong... .  

I just wanted to point out one thing - please don't take this as a judgement... .  

I have been accepting that he will never understand my pain.

Far worse than our (the non's) pain is... .  the pwBPD pain. For us, the non's; we will never understand the pwBPD pain. I have recently started to believe my uBPDw (and business partener... .  like your pwBPD) lives her life in a constand state of self tourture - far worse than I could imagine.

Yes, I tried to rescue her, 20 years ago - No in didn't work.

Yes, I became, slowly and un-knowingly, part of the problem - I see that now... .  I can (you can) change however.

And this gives me hope.

[coworkerfriend]

Itsnotmyfault... .  THANK YOU.  I appreciate the insight and support more that I can express.

You have no idea how much weight your words have lifted from my shoulders.

I was a huge part of the problem and I am working on that.

I need hope. Thank you.