Poll for the Stayers (or anyone who wants to chime in)

[Peace4ME]

Recently CodependentH pointed out/reminded me how lucky I am that my BPDbf is in therapy. Not only therapy, but DBT.

Now I have to admit, when I look back over the past year I wouldn't exactly say the first thing that comes to mind is lucky, but when I start to think of how much has been accomplished... .  I am lucky. It's been just under a year since I discovered BPD and made my first post here and started educating myself. Sometimes I can’t believe after 30 years I am the first one to figure this out. 3 therapists, countless arguments and plenty of near breakups later my bf has now 99% accepted this new diagnosis of BPD (although his DBT therapist doesn't label) and he is in both 1 on 1 and group therapy. The rages have almost completely stopped, and although there are still important issues to work on and we are by no means fixed, it is pretty amazing how far things have come in a year. He may describe it as the worst year of his life and some days he may see me as the cause of all his pain but most days he credits me for being the first person to stay and commit long enough to discover all this and put up with him.

So, I'm wondering:

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy? Are they committed to it?

   a. If so what kind?

   b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours?

Thanks!

-Peace

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I, too, am definitely one of the lucky ones. Yesterday we had a couple's therapy session, and the therapist (who's a specialist in BPD (w/NPD traits)) said to my bf that she had rarely seen anyone with BPD being able to change and get healthier so quickly and that he was showing wonderful progress.

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

2 years, 9 months

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?Yes, he was diagnosed a few months ago. He does accept the diagnosis now. When first mentioned, he didn't at all.

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy?

Yes, he's in 1 on 1 therapy and we are in couples therapy together. And I am in therapy.

Are they committed to it?

Yes, he's very serious about it. We're also in a therapeutic separation and he's focused on getting better and making our relationship work.

  a. If so what kind? It's CBT

  b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours? Definetely! It has only been a few months, but already there has been positive changes. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that he was ready. He already felt like there was something "off", that he wasn't quite "normal", that he had problems with anger and that he was tired of not being able to be in a relationship. He's 37 and has a long string of relationships before me that all lasted 3-12 months. Also helping the process is the fact that his father (who caused my bf so much pain growing up) is also in therapy and has truly come through for my bf, admitting all the pain he caused him and asking for forgiveness.

[CodependentHusband]

... .  Yes. I know what you mean... .  30 years IS a long time, especially compared to my 3.  "Luck" is most definitely a relative term. No doubt about that. So, yes, you are lucky, but then again, I am lucky too. We all love our pwBPD a lot... .  being here in the first place proves it. It makes me happy whenever I hear that someone with BPD is working at T. I know it must be very hard for them.

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

Just under 3 years, 2-1/2 married

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?

Preliminary dx in late November, 2011 after only 1 or 2 appointments to a psychiatrist, but with a full life history of my pwBPD provided to the psychiatrist by FIL and SIL.

My wife initially embraced the dx... .  seemed so relieved to FINALLY have a name for what she had been suffering with her entire life. Within 2 months, and based on the word of one therapist on her first visit (without ANY background info, like the pdoc was provided), my pwBPD went into full-blown denial about not only BPD, but anything at all being amiss.

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy? Are they committed to it?

   a. If so what kind?

   b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours?

For the two months she went, she seemed to be really committed to it, and was interacting with everyone around her in a very healthy way. She has not been since early January, 2012, and hasn't spoken a word of T of any kind since then. She was doing informal talk therapy.

[Peace4ME]

30 years IS a long time, especially compared to my 3. 

To clarify my confusing comment- we have only been together 2 years, but he is 30 years old. I meant that I figured out he was BPD in a year when no one else figured in out in 30.  . Sorry!

[CodependentHusband]

Thanks for clarifying... .  I thought I was confused. Of course, we do have some folks with a whole lot of years in. You know, even with my dBPDw not committed to therapy of any type, I thank God that I know what it is... .  I'd still be in utter chaos without the knowledge I have gained in the past year.

[Peace4ME]

My wife initially embraced the dx... .  seemed so relieved to FINALLY have a name for what she had been suffering with her entire life. Within 2 months, and based on the word of one therapist on her first visit (without ANY background info, like the pdoc was provided), my pwBPD went into full-blown denial about not only BPD, but anything at all being amiss.

Wow. Do you know what it was that made her switch? The pain of dealing with the diagnosis and the hard work it would be? That must have been and still be so hard for you.

There are the days I get scared that my BF will quit or deny it all, he has threatened it. But validation of his feelings usually shows me that he is just frustrated and it will pass.

[CodependentHusband]

At the time I was very angry with the T. She told my wife that there was no way that a pdoc could dx BPD in such a short time, not knowing that the pdoc was provided with her full life history, including information on her mother, who exhibited similar traits, and information from her sister who has made much progress with over 6 years in CBT.

Was the therapist well-intentioned and didn't want to label, or was she simply not knowledgeable about BPD? I will probably never know. My wife ran with the idea that she didn't have BPD though... .  Maybe using it to justify not facing her fears and hard work ahead to get treatment.

I have since radically accepted her treatment choices with T and it meds, up to and including her choice to do absolutely nothing at all. I really am okay with it. It means that I probably have to work even harder than I would otherwise, maybe, but it really is okay. I love her very much. I hope that for her sake she might reconsider so that she can grow and enjoy life more. In the meantime, I plan on being there for her and making our r/s as good as it can be.

[coworkerfriend]

So, I'm wondering:

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

We have been together almost 4 years

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?

He has not been diagnosed but has been in therapy for about 10 years.  He works on cognitive behaviour therapy as far as I know.  There are months that he goes to therapy and doesn't discuss any issues

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy? Are they committed to it?

   a. If so what kind?

   b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours?

He understands the importance of therapy.  He isn't sure that he believes that therapy can make a difference He can't remember previous behavior and rages.  He can not see the improvement he has made.  He truly lives in the feeling of the moment and can not imagine another time where he was better or worse.  I am not sure if I am explaining that correctly. 

I think the changes I have been making have improved the length and intensity of the rage periods.  I have seen improvements in our communication. I went to therapy for months last year and I would leave the sessions feeling powerless and hopeless.  Finding this site did more for me than the therapist I was seeing.

[Elsegundo]

For all: how long in T did it take to see changes?

[FullMetal]

(My answers in Italics)

I need to answer this for my own sanity today

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

  almost 8 years

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?

Yes, multiple times, she appears to hvae finally has accepted the diagnosis to me at least, however she still won't admit it to others besides me.  She's embarassed by the "Label"

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy?  (Kinda) Are they committed to it? (Not really)

   a. If so what kind?

not DBT, just regular Therapy

   b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours?

It has, there are fewer rages and being painted black while she's in therapy, when she's out of therapy it's another story, its' a very on and off again situation.  she is apparently in therapy again, but hasn't had an appointment that she made in the past two months, (she booked her first interview (which was done over the phone) two months ago, (after promising me she'd call them "right away" back in July) )  she has not had a session.  we had been going to MC but our MC found nothing we could continue doing with her, as everything in our relationship is solid, it's strickly a one-way street.

[ChemGuy]

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

Together about 3.5 years.  Married about 2 years.

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?

She's not diagnosed. We've never discussed the possibility of her being having any mental disorders at all.

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy?

No. 

Are they committed to it?

N/A

[ChemGuy]

I suppose that the classification of any Non as "lucky" is relative.  Comparing my wife's silent (and written) rages to the more verbal and physical rages that other's experience I sometimes feel sort-of lucky.  But that sort of spectrum-setting does need to take account that there is always someone somewhere who's got it worse, the fact that your situation isn't the worst possible doesn't mean that it's not very difficult.  I think it's important to avoid the "what am I complaining about, it's not as bad as... .  " vortex.

Peace4ME I'm very happy for you and your BPDbf that he is seeking help and that it is helping.  Your experience gives me hope that my uBPDw will improve someday. 

[Peace4ME]

Peace4ME I'm very happy for you and your BPDbf that he is seeking help and that it is helping.  Your experience gives me hope that my uBPDw will improve someday. 

Thanks, ChemGuy. Lucky truly is relative, and I agree, we shouldn't say one Non is luckier than another just because their BPD does or doesn't hit__. We all came here because we are confused and hurting. I'm still learning what I can fix and still trying to figure out if this is the life I want. It's complicated!

[yeeter]

So, I'm wondering:

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?  11 years

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?  No/No

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy? Are they committed to it?  My wife was adamant that no form of therapy has ever helped her.  Ever.  But given the meltdown of our relationship, she agreed to various attempts at MC.  Initially this was to 'fix me', and focus on all the ways I had wronged and and how would she recover.  Then later, in the midst of considering divorce, I made MC a requisite for continuing on in the marriage.  A couple times I spent considerable time screening for T's with experience in PD's, and DBT.  Well, after 8/9 different MC's over the course of this 11 years, I gave up.  Every single one of them resulted in a denouncement by my wife after a complete meltdown.  I now understood more why her position of having never been helped by T - its true.  Unless you are willing/ready to do work on yourself, then it will not be effective (and my uNPD/uBPDw is happy/comfortable with herself, so nothing to work on!)

   a. If so what kind?

   b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours?  Having went through the MC, combined with some of my own T, HAS made a significant difference to ME.  It allowed some qualified third party validation that ya... .  my wife has some issues and no these are not mine to own.  I allowed too much to be piled on me to solve, instead of drawing a line (internally to my thinking) that there is some that has to be taken on by my wife.  And nothing I can do will help. 

This has even transferred into how I can engage with my kids.  Just this weekend my wife melted down and was being really hard on the kids.  At bedtime (when I lay and talk with them), my S8 was saying how he was not going to do certain things tomorrow, to appease mom and make mom less upset.  So this allowed a discussion where I explained that there is nothing HE can do to prevent mom from getting upset - she is likely going to get upset for one reason or another and when she gets anxious (which he picks up on very quickly), its best just to clear out and give space.  So in effect, Im trying to transfer as many skills to my children as I know how, much of which was learned in T (either joint T or T for myself)

[Foreverhopefull]

Good questions,

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

     I have been with him almost 19 years (in May), married for almost 11 (in May)

2. Has your partner been diagnosed?

     Yes, in January 2012. Previously, they said it was Bipolar and since March 2012, Dysthymia was      added to his diagnostic.

     Do they accept their diagnosis?

      Yes, granted he had been fighting with the system for over 10 years to get a diagnostic (he's old doctor was adamant it was only alcohol related and so was our old doctor). It doesn't mean he was very happy about the treatment side of it all. It took him a few months to stop complaining about it every day and be moody for days after the sessions.

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy? Are they committed to it?

     Part of his therapy he is a very active participant, the other (with his psychiatrist) he goes, but is always on edge (but they both don't click together so that's part of the problem)

   a. If so what kind?

        I'm not sure which kind they are doing, but I have a feeling that it's a mix of CBT and DBT from what his therapist has shared with me.

   b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours?

       The first thing I noticed was he voiced his need to not be disturbed and why, he made the plan to defuse situations (key words that instantly say "let's go to our corners and cool down", what is acceptable questions after therapy and what are acceptable responses, etc). That helped him take charge of his emotions and actually recognize them, this alone helped reduce by 50% the arguments we would get into.

[HaylFire]

we have been together for a little over 2 years.    has been diagnosed for 3 days... he is going to group, skill building, and a lot of other therapy. he is commited... he wants to feel better, be better for me, and above all else get better for his newborn n  son who is 1 month old

[Foreverhopefull]

I forgot to say that his therapy is still one on one. He get's too many anxiety attacks when face with being in public places.

[iluminati]

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

Married 5 years, together 6 years.

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?

Yes and yes.

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy? Are they committed to it?

Currently no.  She just left her 3rd therapist in the past year.

   a. If so what kind?

She's participated in standard psychotherapy, DBT skills class and full DBT

   b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours?

Full DBT helped.  The rest?  No so much.

[Stoicism]

1. How long have you been with your BPDpartner?

   3 1/2 Years, around ten months in we got the diagnossis.

2. Has your partner been diagnosed? Do they accept their diagnosis?

   Yes, at first it she didn't accept it 100% of the time. In fact at first she did deny it, and tried to convince me I was mentally ill and not she.   Before the diagnosis there was a lot of transference and blame game stuff, since she has been practicing DBT that stuff has largely gone away.  She accepts the diagnosis now, just by examining her life.

3. Does/did your partner participate in therapy? Are they committed to it?

Yes, many kinds, she hasn't always been as committed to therapy as she is now, but it took us a while to find something that worked for her.

   a. If so what kind?

CBT, DBT, different kinds of group therapy, talk therapy, different meds

   b. And has it made a real difference in their life and yours?

Yes.  It is hard to explain how big a difference, it feels like we are almost ready to start living a normal life together with our son.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

Has made a very big difference.

Sometimes it feels like two steps backward one step forward, but those times can't last and things will begin to improving again.