I couldn't save him

[jmc8899]

For the past year and a half, my life has been consumed by BPD.   Not because I suffer from it, but someone I love very much does.   I've been open, honest, understanding and patient.   I truly believe I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.   He's been taken advantage of, abused and has felt unwanted his whole life.   I loved him unconditionally, came back after being pushed away and have devoted much of my time and energy to making him feel better.

He prefers to give the people who don't care about him more of his love and attention.   A therapist friend told me that people like me enable his illness and I need to go no contact.   So, I am going to try my best.

I want my life back.   For the past year, we've been talking all day long, seeing each other frequently and I've just devoted so much of my life to making him happy.   I don't know how I am going to do this, so words of support are appreciated!

[HarmKrakow]

For the past year and a half, my life has been consumed by BPD.   Not because I suffer from it, but someone I love very much does.   I've been open, honest, understanding and patient.   I truly believe I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.   He's been taken advantage of, abused and has felt unwanted his whole life.   I loved him unconditionally, came back after being pushed away and have devoted much of my time and energy to making him feel better.

He prefers to give the people who don't care about him more of his love and attention.   A therapist friend told me that people like me enable his illness and I need to go no contact.   So, I am going to try my best.

I want my life back.   For the past year, we've been talking all day long, seeing each other frequently and I've just devoted so much of my life to making him happy.   I don't know how I am going to do this, so words of support are appreciated!

I can assure you a similar story. I truly think i'm the best thing that happened to my current gf with BPD. She got verbally/sexually/mentally abused. However, people like me, who are try to fix her, is something what she uses as a feeding tube. They eat us alive untill we have no life/energy left over to share with others and we only feel numb. I also want my life back, but i'm deeply in love with my current gf wBPD. What to do? I don't know. Some tell me to run, some tell me to chase, reading this board helps 

You'll be fine, because you also realize you are not alone. For the past year, talking all day long, seeing each other frequently etc. Been there ... and unfortunately ... done that.

[schwing]

Hi Jenna892 and  

You couldn't save him because he needs to save himself.  And all that effort that you put to his apparent needs, you now need to redirect it back onto yourself.  And I would argue that you are in great need, and deserve this effort.

I don't know exactly how you're going to do this either, but that is both the challenge and the reward: of finding out what to do to save you, of what it takes to bring you out of the brink of neglect.  

The first step though, is to disengage from him.  And perhaps at the same time, to learn to re-engage with yourself.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[forgottenarm]

Hi Jenna892,

I agree with Schwing.  It's really hard to see when you've spent so long supporting a loved one as you have, but you need all that attention right now.  In fact, the more you can shift your energy toward taking care of yourself, the less you'll even notice that you're in NC.  Trust that your ex will find a way to take care of himself.  Your job is to take care of Jenna!

[jmc8899]

Thank you.   I'm actually contemplating shutting my phone off for the day so he can't reach me.    Wish me luck!

[Validation78]

I have found that the less contact with my BPDh, the better. No matter what the contact consists of, sweetness or nastiness, it sucks me of the energy I need to move on with my life, to get back in balance, and focus on what I want to do next. BPD must be left in the dust, and I look forward to the first day I can wake up with something else being the first thought that comes into my mind!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[almost789]

Your post is very touching to me because every point you make is how i feel too. So sad to see them disengage from their self profession that we are the best thing that ever happened to them and chose to be with people who really dont care and actually abuse and neglect them more. Shame is at the root of this. They dont believe they deserve better. Nothing we can doto convince them. They need to work on themselves and find the desire to do that. True, with people like us, their feeding tube as one poster said, they cant find the desire to change. What helps me to move on is the realization that i deserve better and to stop seeing him as a victim that needs your help because he needs to help himself, its the only way he can get better.

[waitaminute]

The idea that they choose less caring people because they feel they don't deserve better... .  

Maybe it's the truth. But I see it differently. It seems to me that these uncaring people are "safe"... .  There's little to be lost if they go away. And the BPD has some strange familiarity with the uncaring kind. Safe and familiar.

[almost789]

Waitaminute,  i think thats absolutely true too.

[Rose Tiger]

Were we the best thing?  I look back at how hard I worked to make him happy.  Why didn't I just let him feel upset if he wanted?  Because his angst was upsetting to *me*.  I needed him to be in a good mood for *me*.  I was invalidating as all get out.  When you feel upset, do you want someone telling you not to feel that way or is it more comforting to have someone say, I understand you are upset, a lot of people would feel upset about the same things.

Ex liked to be around people that he could be his false self and accepted.  Being around me was just a trigger because he projected so much of his shame onto me.  He felt better with other people.  Hard as that is to think about... .  

[jmc8899]

I let my ex be himself, I let him vent to me and be upset.   Everyone who has said people who treat him crappy make him more comfortable because that's what he is used to are right.   

He is usually either very sweet to me, or passive/aggressive.   He's very, very controlling.  Him being sweet is what is the toughest for me, so I think "no contact" may be best.   He will try to suck me back in but I can't fall for it.   I have to remember that he does not love me, he just needs me.   I'm the only person who had always been here to answer his texts in the middle of the night and go to his house and cuddle with him when he is feeling lonely.  He is using me for validation and I am feeding his illness.   

[Rose Tiger]

Oh ok, it was the 'making him feel better' part that threw me off.

With no stable sense of self, they do work on an image that they feel will be accepted and liked.  That is the sweet part.  It isn't what they truly feel, it's what they find works with being accepted.  I found a journal page of what my ex's true feelings were about me, and they were far from sweet and nice.  It was at a time where he was sweet to me and I had no clue that he really felt the complete opposite.  It really is a case of I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.  He can't help it, it's how he copes with the unbareable feelings of low worth, he rejected those and projected them onto me.

20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD thinking:

  1. I will always be alone

  2. There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on.

  3. If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me.

  4. I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on.

  5. I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me.

  6. I have no control of myself.

  7. I can't discipline myself.

  8. I don't really know what I want.

  9. I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong.

10. I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it.

11. If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted.

12. I will never get what I want.

13. If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

14. My feelings and opinions are unfounded.

15. If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself.

16. If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person.

17. Other people are evil and abuse you.

18. I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself.

19. If other people really get to know me they will find me rejectable.

20. Other people are not willing or helpful.


Have you read this article?

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

[gina louise]

 Rose Tiger,

not to hijack the original post, but my UBPDH saw himself as "weak" unlovable and totally fraudulent.

he would even state to me that he was "WEAK!"-I took it to mean lacking self control and discipline.

he seemed incredulous and overly grateful if someone new agreed to help him (a co-worker, perhaps) like it was some sort of miracle. Yet, he would claim coldly that I, who did everything humanly possible for him, and Us... .  NEVER TRIED.  "?"

I too once found an inventory note that my HUSBAND was working on and he wrote that he wanted to be with some one "Better than GL, so people would think Better of me!" and then went on to note other things about me that he was resentful for. Right before he asked me to move in, and marry him.   

I see that book mentioned a lot, 'I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".

Is it worth buying?

GL

[jmc8899]

Rose Tiger - yes, that list completely describes him!

He also is very sweet to his ex to her face, but spews venom about her to me.   When I've asked him what he wants and needs in his life, he said his life has never been about him, it's about others and he doesn't know how to do things for himself.   He needs the approval of others for validation and will create lies, and put himself in bad situations so he is the martyr.   The lies are the worst.   I honestly don't know how he keeps up with them.

I need to stop doing things for him and trying to be here for him.  I just keep having to remind myself that he does not love me, and he only wants me in his life for self-serving purposes.

[Rose Tiger]

To be honest, there are better books.  I do like the title of that one though, it is so true of the r/s with ex.  The very best book I read that gave me insight was Get Me Out of Here.

You can see how much 'shame' was residing in your ex, that someone would care.  Then since we do care, we get devalued, like the saying, I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member.  Nobody loves me. I love you.  No one that matters loves me.

Ugh.  My ex wrote on his... "she smokes and that makes me mad that she is going to die and leave me with the bills".  Can you feel the love?  Ack!

[Rose Tiger]

He loved you to the best of his ability, and we did the same.  It's more of how loving is it to yourself?  If you take all that care, love and attention and turn it towards you, that's where healing starts.  Something in me likes to make sure others are happy and kind of throw my needs by the side.  It's difficult to start thinking about what are those needs?  They've been buried for so long.  The r/s was kind of a ying and yang of perfect dysfunction.  So unhealthy.

Rose Tiger - yes, that list completely describes him!

He also is very sweet to his ex to her face, but spews venom about her to me.   When I've asked him what he wants and needs in his life, he said his life has never been about him, it's about others and he doesn't know how to do things for himself.   He needs the approval of others for validation and will create lies, and put himself in bad situations so he is the martyr.   The lies are the worst.   I honestly don't know how he keeps up with them.

I need to stop doing things for him and trying to be here for him.  I just keep having to remind myself that he does not love me, and he only wants me in his life for self-serving purposes.

[Rose Tiger]

Healthy relationships:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

H. Does she/he have good friends?

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

If you answered most of these questions with a yes, you probably are not in a relationship that is likely to become abusive. If you answered no to some or most of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship, please continue with the next set of questions.




Is Your Partner Healthy?

a. When your partner gets angry does she/he break or throw things?

b. Does your partner lose her/his temper easily?

c. Is your partner jealous of your friends or family?

d. Does your partner expect to be told where you have been when you are not with her/him?

e. Does your partner think you are cheating on her/him if you talk or dance with someone else?

f. Does your partner drink or take drugs almost every day or go on binges?

g. Does she/he ridicule, make fun of, or put you down?

h. Does your partner think there are some situations in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman or a woman to hit a man?

i. Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with your partner?

j. Do you ever find yourself afraid of your partner?

If you answered yes to questions in this group, please be careful and think about your safety.


Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship. Boundaries clarify where you stop and where I begin, which problems belong to you and which problems belong to me.

What are boundaries? "Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. . . ." - Dr. Henry Cloud

Each of us has boundaries, some of which go unspoken, in many areas of our lives. We set boundaries in regard to physical proximity and touch, the words that are acceptable when we are spoken to, honesty, emotional intimacy (such as how much we self-disclose to others). When one or both people in a relationship have difficulty with boundaries, the relationship suffers.

The following characteristics indicate a problem in setting and enforcing boundaries.

~ Telling all.

~ Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.

~ Falling in love with a new acquaintance.

~ Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

~ Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied.

~ Acting on the first sexual impulse.

~ Being sexual for partner, not self.

~ Going against personal values or rights to please others.

~ Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

~ Not noticing when someone else displays

inappropriate boundaries.

~ Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want.

~ Touching a person without asking.

~ Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

~ Letting others describe your reality.

~ Letting others define you.

~ Believing others can anticipate your needs.

~ Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically.

~ Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

[myself]

I tried to save, and also left her to her own decisions. Helped as much as possible (in part because I wanted it to turn out well for myself), stepped back, jumped in when I shouldn't have, too. Believed her when she said I was the one, thinking that meant what I was doing was working, that who I am was good for her. That my own efforts for myself in life were paying off. I validated, listened, being a good friend and partner.

But I also overcompensated when she'd pull away. And undercompensated when she'd push, taking the hits and not lashing back or even standing up for myself much. Would get resentful when I couldn't 'save' her (from the pains of her past, and the ones she was creating now), and resentful when I found that I was wearing myself out, doing so much for her and our relationship, and she wasn't giving back or helping to take care of me. I didn't often express it, and would react with a push and pull of my own. More subtly than hers, less destructive perhaps, but still occurring. Neither one of us could really help the other in this kind of situation. Love was there, but trust and reciprocity had gone down the drain. We both projected our needs and wants upon the other. That's more demanding it to happen than asking it to. She couldn't 'save' me, either.

In many ways, I was thinking it was better to be the one taking the abuse than giving it out. PwBPD seem to see things the other way around. That's not a match made in heaven, more a match made of dysfunction. I should have been thinking more along the lines of 'Where is this abuse coming from, and why am I helping it to continue?' That would have helped save a lot of time, energy, self-esteem, hurt feelings, etc.

[jmc8899]

I am the kind of person who puts my own needs aside and helps others.   The only reason I am on the leaving board and am finally ending this for good is that I am in the process of making a big decision that will determine whether or not he will be in or out of my life.   Either way... .     I know I need to get him out.   

When things were good with him, I felt like I never had with anyone else.   He was sweet, affectionate, and wow, I was so attracted to him.   And that is what makes it difficult.   Remembering those amazing times.   But I have to remember the awful things he did.   Especially all of the lies, and there were many!   He made me feel sorry for him, and convinced me that he never did anything for himself.   I found out more and more, and figured out that this is his act, it is how he pulls people in.   I need to keep remembering that when I have a moment of weakness!

[HarmKrakow]

I am the kind of person who puts my own needs aside and helps others.   The only reason I am on the leaving board and am finally ending this for good is that I am in the process of making a big decision that will determine whether or not he will be in or out of my life.   Either way... .     I know I need to get him out. 

You know the decision is final?

When things were good with him, I felt like I never had with anyone else.   He was sweet, affectionate, and wow, I was so attracted to him.   And that is what makes it difficult.   Remembering those amazing times.   But I have to remember the awful things he did.   Especially all of the lies, and there were many!   He made me feel sorry for him, and convinced me that he never did anything for himself.   I found out more and more, and figured out that this is his act, it is how he pulls people in.   I need to keep remembering that when I have a moment of weakness!

This is what my gf with BPD accuses me of!   Because I try to convince my gf that I don't do anything for myself but for her (cutting of friends, spend more time with her than others, etc). And every time I say one wrong sentence or anything in that field, she explodes and tells me exactly what you wrote there 

[jmc8899]

The decision is final, and at this point I can still keep him in my life but do not have to.   It will not be easy to cut off contact, it will be the toughest thing I have ever had to do.   But I can either cut off contact, or stay in contact with limits.   And due to my nature, it would be tough to stick to limits.   So NC may be the only way to go.   I need to keep busy, find some new hobbies and friends and stay strong!