Making myself nuts Fleas?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm away and have worked myself up into hysteria.  Think all this reading and self-digging is messing me up!  I was upset, teary, reached out to pal and bro but no answer, so crazily reached out to ex w whom there's been nc for a few weeks I pushed her away then she went silent).  She said she's busy tonight but am I ok? (I've never reached out to her like this, btw.) I said no.  (Texts) she says she's about to walk into dinner then movie later, can I text her now more to discuss it?  I say I am driving, can't text can she call for 5.  Then nothing. 

So kicked me while I was down.  More hurt, humiliated, upset, even started to think I'm going nuts, and blamed myself for her behavior.  Cried, found hotel for the night, talked to bro and self soothed.  Think all that looking into my issues has actually made me worse!  I've never acted more crazy!  Now calm, her number blocked, numbing mind w tv.

[Elsegundo]

I'm away and have worked myself up into hysteria.  Think all this reading and self-digging is messing me up!  I was upset, teary, reached out to pal and bro but no answer, so crazily reached out to ex w whom there's been nc for a few weeks I pushed her away then she went silent).  She said she's busy tonight but am I ok? (I've never reached out to her like this, btw.) I said no.  (Texts) she says she's about to walk into dinner then movie later, can I text her now more to discuss it?  I say I am driving, can't text can she call for 5.  Then nothing. 

So kicked me while I was down.  More hurt, humiliated, upset, even started to think I'm going nuts, and blamed myself for her behavior.  Cried, found hotel for the night, talked to bro and self soothed.  Think all that looking into my issues has actually made me worse!  I've never acted more crazy!  Now calm, her number blocked, numbing mind w tv.

[just me.]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.  I think I understand how you are feeling.

For me, the most dreadful and haunting parts in all of this awful divorce nightmare thing I've gone through were the moments when I just decided to not hide it anymore and just  really show her that I needed her.  Not as a lover or a wife... .  I just needed the person that 3 days earlier swore I was her soul mate... .  I needed her to just care that I was hurting.

I never cry, but I let myself bawl right in front of her.  I begged her to just talk to me... .  to explain to me how she could just turn all love off like a light switch.

She just looked at me like I was an old tin can that the garbage man had somehow forgotten to pick up.  She rolled her eyes, shook her head, and shrugged.  Then she got glassy-eyed and seemed lost in thought for a minute.  I asked her what she was thinking... .  

"What?  Oh... .  I'm trying to figure out what type of place I'm going to be able to afford, and how that's going to work and everything.  You're not the only one with problems, you know."


It's the worst.  It's got to be one of the most awful interpersonal things in the world.  It all hurts like nothing I could have ever imagined.  That's why we're here.  Just keep talking it through here, enjoy your TV shows, and remember that this is probably the low point for you.  Even if it's slow, it will get better.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you were upset Elsee, what do you think triggered this? Did something happen?

[Elsegundo]

Thanks to you both. Just me--thanks for sharing.  I'm sorry got hurt like that.  And you're right--it felt just as you said.  And the lack of it mattering--ugh.

Suz: In this process I've unearthed wounds which come out as more anxiety.  Think the combo of anxiety for big work pres. On top of that, reading more healing books digging deep, high stress, and a new premie baby born into family, and a business trip she was going to come on. 

[Suzn]

Suz: In this process I've unearthed wounds which come out as more anxiety.  Think the combo of anxiety for big work pres. On top of that, reading more healing books digging deep, high stress, and a new premie baby born into family, and a business trip she was going to come on. 

That's quite a lot there Elsee. Give yourself time to process, recovery is a slow process, can't rush it, it can become overwhelming if you do. Be kind to you during this time, can you give yourself a break from the books for a bit?