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Author Topic: upsetting thoughts...  (Read 449 times)
FullMetal
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Relationship status: Married
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« on: January 20, 2013, 12:15:43 AM »

My dBPDw has recently come into some really Bad (with a capital B) news.  she's been having issues, and problems, and bleeding that shouldn't be happening.  Long story short (potentially graphic please not for the squeamish), last year she had a hyseterectomy because of fibroids on her uterus that were causing pains, this was causing extremly bad menstral cycles, to the point that she was bedridden due to the pain.  after a few months of this, the gyne did a full look, and found the fibroids and determined a hysterectomy would be necessary,  and while there were small growths on her ovaries she didn't need them out, and they didn't want to take them so young.  (Interestingly, my female best friend (of 30 years) who has had problems with endometriosis had hers removed at around my wife's age.  I was there when that happened and helped my friend through the menopause that came from it. 

Now however, one year later, they are sending for a complete cancer screening.  she has been having abnormal bleeding on a monthly scale, sometimes old clotted blood, others fresh.  most of the time it's accomanied by massive cramping and pain.  they performed tests, and found abnormal cells, so they called for a bloodtest to be followed by a complete physical next wednesday.  The bloodtest is CA-125, an indicator bloodtest to keep an eye on for progression and potential for ovarian cancer.  she will of course be going for more of these over the coming months.  they are talking about the possibilty of removing her ovaries and cervix this time around as they let her keep her cervix and ovaries. 

they are also concerned about some "post surgery" problems that may in fact be related.  See after her hysterectomy she was re-admitted to the hospital for a couple weeks, requiring blood transfusions, and even having the hospital ask if she wanted to talk to a priest because the outlook was grim.  she pulled through ok, and the doctors at the hospitals were immediately painted black.  she did not want to see a doctor again.  the next month there wasn't much going on that she'd complain about, however after a couple months she started complaining again, and finally after she passed a clot that was the size of a grapefruit, she agreed to see the doctors again.  adn this is where we stand now. 

this has been a very stressful week, and I must admit, the medication she's currently on (they actually recently boosted her meds)  is helping her cope with this situation without painting the doctors black and not wanting to talk to them.  However... .  I'm not so lucky.   

It probably doesn't help that during this time, we had told my parents about the suspicions of ovarian cancer from the doctors, and that there was a bloodtest and further tests coming forth.  My sister, (who after reading a lot on BPD which there is a lot on NPD as well, I'm beginning to highly suspect her for NPD since everything has to be about her, (I could go on for a long time about why I think that, just know that she has several NPD traits, things have to be about her... .  her marriage for the first 10 years had to be all about her, she refused to have children, saying she'd rather spend her money on corvettes.  My wife and I had a son (a surprise) before she had a child, and my sisfter saw the attention put on him, and subsequently us, and couldn't stand that fact.  and tried over the next 3 years to have a child, and finally one stuck and the sticky bun was born a happy baby girl.  by the time my neice was born, my dBPDw and I had been trying as well to have a second, and were pregnant when my neice was born, and we were due Jan 7th.  OUR daughter decided to come early, and was born in mid december, and my sister took it as a slight against her and her daughter to ruin her first christmas! (joy)  anywya enough backstory into my sister, regardless she hates me right now, and frankly after knowing what to do with a BPD wife, I decided ot just wait it out with her, since i don't have to spend time with her every day,  one other incident of note is a a few years ago, my Brother in Law was diagnosed with skin cancer, and he survived thankfully.

Now when news got to my sister about my wife's tests, and our cancer scare, she made a post online about "how could someone lie about cancer, it can't be detected with a bloodtest because otherwise it'd be easy to detect early, as a wife of a survivor I'm offended by this"  obviously referenceing my wife, who has exagerated on a number of occasions in the past, but every about anything remotely like this.

Back to me and my disturbing thoughs. which is what is truly important but I believe some backstory is important as well.  Several times because of this I have though... .  man it would really stick it to my sister's btchiness if my wife really did have cancer... .  i mean she'd totally have to eat crow if that were the case.  To the feeling that I can only assume is what an innocent man who's been imprisoned for 8 years finally gets his parole hearing would feel like.  An anxious relief.  coupled with a fear of the unknown outside of everything.  and yet at the same time knowing that I could lose my wife, which is the upsettign thoughts.  I'll miss her terribly and grieve the loss, but part of me would be relieved to know that I'm finally free... .    That part of me makes me feel like a complete monster.  but the emotional abuse, the cheating, the lies, the push-pull, the exhausting amount of effort I have to put into the relationship on a daily basis would be over... .  replaced with new stresses, but which at this point look 100x easier than the stresses i'm dealing with today.

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united for now
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: separated
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« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2013, 01:14:35 AM »

As horrible as it seems, your feelings are normal, given what you've been through. I'm sure we've all had our moments where we wished for freedom at any cost.

Here's the thing though, your feelings are a sign that you aren't doing a good job of seeing to your own needs. Care givers get burned out if they don't practice some self love and take the time to refresh themselves.

So while i fully empathize with yours feelings, i also want to encourage you to take some space to really look after yourself... .  
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Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes
Rockylove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 827



« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2013, 05:34:06 AM »

I understand and appreciate your feelings.  My 2nd husband (now ex) is an alcoholic and life was a constant struggle for 10 years.  I felt that I'd made the commitment to stay with him through thick and thin and yet I secretly wished he'd just drop off the face of the earth.  I didn't want a divorce (who wants yet another failed marriage on their record) so I went to alanon instead and learned some of the most valuable lessons I could have learned~~the single most valuable... .  how to start taking care of ME.  I hope you find ways to care for yourself through this tumultuous time.
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