A moment of clarity or something else?

[Rockylove]

This has been a rough week for my bf.  He's been very depressed.  I have been working long hours to catch up on a few jobs as I've got new ones to begin next week.  I had to work for a few hours yesterday, but was home by 12:30.  He was outside with the dogs when I got home so I joined him.  It was really beautiful and sunny and I was happy to be outside doing anything but work!  

Long story short... .  we ended up doing all sorts of "work" that he could have done himself during the week while I was working.  I'd asked him to fix the light switch at the top of the stairs because we're having house guests next weekend and I didn't want anyone falling in the dark.  That opened a huge can of worms because the house is really old and needs new wiring.  Yup... .  a tremendous mess was made rewiring and we had to abandon our efforts when the sun went down... .  another unfinished project~~sigh!

Then comes the strange conversation.  

BF: It's been a bad week.  I'm depressed

ME:  I could sense that you've been depressed.  I'm sorry this has been a bad week for you.

BF: you never get depressed

ME:  oh, but I absolutely do and it sucks!

BF:  but you can get yourself out of it because you're perfect... .  you have the right tools  He said tools with a strange sneer... .  I had to chuckle.  

ME:  I'm far from perfect~~you've seen me out of sorts many times

BF:  Have you ever been so depressed that you thought of offing yourself?

ME:  yes, I have.  

BF:  I thought about it this week.  

I told him that I didn't believe he wanted to die any more than I did when I felt that way, but rather just wanted the sadness to end.  He said that maybe he was just too chicken to kill himself.  I said perhaps.  He said that he feels better when I'm here.  I told him that I'd love nothing more than to stay home with him and not work, but it isn't in the cards for me at the moment.

He went on to say that he realized that he's got such a great life and who wouldn't want the life he has and that he didn't think he'd kill himself because of the people he loves.  It gave me a sense of relief.

He had had a couple of beers by this time and I could tell he was getting tipsy so I tried steering the conversation elsewhere, but he continued with ramblings about me having everything I need to deal with "stuff" ~~my herbal remedies, meditation, tools,wine.  I said there was no magic pill and that I had to work at keeping myself positive... .  it was more mind over matter.  He asked me if I'd be able to deal with everything so well if I quit everything.  I told him that the wine and herbs (these are legit, by the way... .  not "herb" can go away tomorrow and although I do use them, they are not magic. The "tools" are something that I've made part of my life~it's not something external that I'm medicating myself with.  

don't know if he was bating me for yet another discussion on his desire to "trip" which I'd already told him wasn't a topic I cared to discuss again or if he was trying to find out more about how I handle depression without a bunch of drugs.

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[CodependentHusband]

hmm... .  Sounds more like he feels inferior to you, and kind of resents feeling inferior to you, if that makes any sense. My pwBPD has done that many times as well... .  not as much lately as she used to, but I've heard plenty of talk about how I'm so "perfect," which really seems to be more about her than me, ironically.


I know it is rough when they fall into a deep depression. Not much to do, but take care of yourself and wait for it to pass. Don't think I would recommend a 'trip' of any kind at this point. . I'm just kidding you!

[Rockylove]

I get that sense at times, CoD... .  but I'm not sure he understands just how hard I've worked at keeping myself from falling down the bottomless well of depression.  He has the advantage of having met me when I'm a much more mature individual (both emotionally and in years~~officially 53 in 2 hrs and 11 minutes ), but I struggled (and continue to struggle) with my insecurities and at times deep depression.  I have to act the part of a happy person when I'm too blue because I know that it brings me back to a better place.  I don't think he's got the self discipline to do that... .  I don't know... .  was hoping that hoping that he'd ask more about the meditation and "tools"~~he did say that perhaps he'd try some St. John's Wort.  Maybe a good start that he's talking about his depression instead of raging.

[CodependentHusband]

I have to act the part of a happy person when I'm too blue because I know that it brings me back to a better place.  I don't think he's got the self discipline to do that... .  I don't know... .  was hoping that hoping that he'd ask more about the meditation and "tools"~~he did say that perhaps he'd try some St. John's Wort.  Maybe a good start that he's talking about his depression instead of raging.

That's a good tool that I've used for years as well. I think you are right in your thinking that not everyone has the capability of having success with that strategy. On the differences between depression and raging though, I tend to kind of see those in the same kind way. It's just my opinion, but the depression on the pwBPD's part, I think, is caused by all of the underlying issues of BPD. The reason I think this is because I have read so many times about BPD sufferers meeting with failed treatment for depression. Treating the depression alone in a pwBPD is kind of like putting a bandaid on a broken leg. It might make them feel a little better for a short time if you are lucky, but it doesn't do anything for the long term.

I hope things get better for him soon. Keep detaching a little more so you can be stronger for him. It's counter-intuitive, but works in the long term. 

[Rockylove]

It was a good day, CoD... .  We went grocery shopping this morning, took care of some necessary evils (I absolutely had to clean my truck... .  too much grout spillage!) my sister came out this afternoon and my son and family came for dinner this evening.  Strange, but the company seems to distract my bf and he is always happy when my son comes over (football is their thing) and he loves the grand kids.  As depressed as he's been, he seems to be hanging in there really well.  He's going on a 2 hour jaunt tomorrow to pick up a guitar for our friend's birthday and he's excited about having company next week.   That gets us through January... .  I'll think about February when it gets here