Gotta keep reminding myself that it is the BPD talking

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  I have two kids with my ex wife so I still have to interact with her very often. There are many times that I decide to put my anger down and try to be civilized with her for the good of the kids. She goes into this weird phase where she will act normal for a spell. Even seems to be sorry for all the pain she caused us. She almost seems to be trying to make things right.

  It usually only last a couple of days and then she disappears to her replacement family and we are stuck trying to get the poop off our feet. We go through this evey month (seems to follow the moon cycles). It seems that her needs get met by us then she is gone. We still say wth? But as these cycles continue, I become more aware of her pain and shame. I remind myself that it is her issues that keep her spinning.

  Realizing that she may have a PD and it may be that PD that makes her behave the way she does, makes recovering from her cycles a little easier. It now only takes a day or so to get us back into our groove.

  It's those moments where she acts like the gal I knew for 23 + years that set me back soo far. I know NC is the best for me, but we do have kids together. So I have to take the long, hard road to recovery. I still fell sorry for her and want so badly to help her. She has given up so much to be with her replacement family. Sometimes, I see in her eyes, that she knows she made a mistake. I want to break free from this cycle. Just don't know how. If I can accept that it imay be a PD, will I be able to forgive? How do I look past the normal phases?

[hellnback]

  I have two kids with my ex wife so I still have to interact with her very often. There are many times that I decide to put my anger down and try to be civilized with her for the good of the kids. She goes into this weird phase where she will act normal for a spell. Even seems to be sorry for all the pain she caused us. She almost seems to be trying to make things right.

  It usually only last a couple of days and then she disappears to her replacement family and we are stuck trying to get the poop off our feet. We go through this evey month (seems to follow the moon cycles). It seems that her needs get met by us then she is gone. We still say wth? But as these cycles continue, I become more aware of her pain and shame. I remind myself that it is her issues that keep her spinning.

  Realizing that she may have a PD and it may be that PD that makes her behave the way she does, makes recovering from her cycles a little easier. It now only takes a day or so to get us back into our groove.

  It's those moments where she acts like the gal I knew for 23 + years that set me back soo far. I know NC is the best for me, but we do have kids together. So I have to take the long, hard road to recovery. I still fell sorry for her and want so badly to help her. She has given up so much to be with her replacement family. Sometimes, I see in her eyes, that she knows she made a mistake. I want to break free from this cycle. Just don't know how. If I can accept that it imay be a PD, will I be able to forgive? How do I look past the normal phases?

[Sabine]

I'm not sure you need to look past the 'normal cycles' unless you feel it may draw you in again. Is there any way you can embrace the normal cycles for the children's sake? I would think that if there is a little normalcy going on with her the kids are in better shape than if she was constantly displaying her BPD traits.

[GreenMango]

I wish I had an answer on the forgiveness part ... .  for everybody it seems different.

I agree with Sabine to embrace the normal cycles.  It may even be good to positively reinforce them... .  ie "the kids had a great time, thank you" etc when it happens.  And protect your kids and yourself when she's on a downturn.  

It's hard not to get attached to the good times.  Maybe a little more space and less interaction with her on an emotional level and stick to kid business for awhile why you detach and depersonalize this.  Sometimes when we do the functional part our hearts can follow later.

Radical acceptance can be difficult.  Since you have contact with her for the kids it may help to post on staying for help on communication skills taught there.  You can always post here too.

How's your support system?  Family, friends and therapy?