Cease & desist letter?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had an atty draw up a cease & desist letter as a last resort to stop BPDx from smearing me in public, on social forums, etc; Its gone nonstop for 2yrs!  At least wkly, i receive an email or indirect line of pseudo communication from or abt her.  I dont appreciate these or want them.  Its been so hard trying to stay NC when im compelled to keep confronting her.  And often i do via email to no response.  Its frustrating & exhausting to keep exposing myself to the hostility and hurt.

The letter indicates she must respond in writing to the request to stop defamation of my character and stop posting my name and contact info on public sites for ppl to berate me for things ive never done or am not. 

This comes after very civil appeals ive made to her for peace.  I already told her keep my valuable stuff and i wont pursue money shes agreed to owing me in writing.  Im wondering if any of you have gone this route & what do you perceive the results to be, if any?

All theyre waiting on is my approval to send it certified.  Seeing it in writing seems so harsh & "official" but i do need it to stop regardless.  I hate for it to end up like this, but theres no end to her campaign in sight!  Will she hate me worse or just laugh more?  I need to get my dignity back.  Its cost me jobs & shes contacted friends of friends on facebook, even went on classmates & spread her filthy lies to ppl i graduated with over 20 yrs ago! Were talking BAD, evil accusations that sound ridiculously sensational.  But yes, most ppl BELIEVE her. 

Advice?  Thanks

[Whitefang]

I had an atty draw up a cease & desist letter as a last resort to stop BPDx from smearing me in public, on social forums, etc; Its gone nonstop for 2yrs!  At least wkly, i receive an email or indirect line of pseudo communication from or abt her.  I dont appreciate these or want them.  Its been so hard trying to stay NC when im compelled to keep confronting her.  And often i do via email to no response.  Its frustrating & exhausting to keep exposing myself to the hostility and hurt.

The letter indicates she must respond in writing to the request to stop defamation of my character and stop posting my name and contact info on public sites for ppl to berate me for things ive never done or am not. 

This comes after very civil appeals ive made to her for peace.  I already told her keep my valuable stuff and i wont pursue money shes agreed to owing me in writing.  Im wondering if any of you have gone this route & what do you perceive the results to be, if any?

All theyre waiting on is my approval to send it certified.  Seeing it in writing seems so harsh & "official" but i do need it to stop regardless.  I hate for it to end up like this, but theres no end to her campaign in sight!  Will she hate me worse or just laugh more?  I need to get my dignity back.  Its cost me jobs & shes contacted friends of friends on facebook, even went on classmates & spread her filthy lies to ppl i graduated with over 20 yrs ago! Were talking BAD, evil accusations that sound ridiculously sensational.  But yes, most ppl BELIEVE her. 

Advice?  Thanks

[Matt]

It actually seems like a pretty moderate step to take.

The next step might be to file a motion asking the court to order her to stop.  I wouldn't hesitate to do that if the letter from the lawyer doesn't work.

I haven't experienced this, but at one point my ex came into my home when I wasn't there.  My adult son let her in because she said she was looking for my younger son's homework.  But then she went to other rooms and looked through piles of paper, presumably looking for something to use against me in our divorce.

My lawyer told me to write her a very short e-mail telling her not to come into my home without my permission.  He said if that didn't work he would file a motion with the court.  I think he also showed my e-mail to her lawyer.  It worked - she didn't do that again.

If your stbX has a lawyer, make sure the lawyer gets a copy of the letter.  Your lawyer might want to talk to her lawyer and get her lawyer to tell her she better stop.

[Whitefang]

Yep this letter says if shes got an atty, she should advise them.  I did write the x a concise email asking her one final time to stop or i was taking action.  These rumors have spread like wildfire, yet shes the only one with the ability to hurt me with it.  I know its not healthy, her recruiting proxies, that are ravenous for gossip but thats not my real issue.  Its her who knows better and spread(s) it around, throwing me to the dogs with no defense.  Allow me to be a poster child for BPD smear campaigns from HELL.  Relentless, betraying, cruel, manipulative stuff, man.  Some of the things shes said whoa you really wouldnt wish it on your worst enemy - and im not, just according to her perceived hurt i "caused".  Time is doing NOTHING to cool it off or help me recover. 

Yep i dont doubt you.  Busting in someones house to snoop for "info".  All abt them, ya know?  If they dont find it, they make it up or plant it and expect to play devils advocate in your face the rest of your life.  I try having sympathy, validating, appealing... .  does no good.  Theyre deaf once youve been split/black.  Only thing is, theyre the only one fighting.  And for NOTHING.  There is no "prize" except sick "satisfaction" to destroy you for trying to understand thm.  I wrote her a very decent letter, putting my anger aside, and thanked her for opening my eyes to learn more abt self-harm/cutting.  Ive volunteered to be an ear for young ppl looking for alternative ways to cope.  By no means a "professional" just help direct calls and take consultations.  BPDex found a way to take offense to this and told me "you  cant even wipe your own ass so stfu".   Holycow!  I meant how shes impacted my life!  She has.  By far worse than the dreaded STs and rages, it made me feel so helpless being away & rec'g a pic of her bloody arms or legs, torn into the muscle saying "pain.  You did this to me"... .  and her never being able to promise me she would never do it again.

I hate this disorder.  Its a thankless reminder of all i invested that woke me up to a whole new world, redefining "love", actions & trust.  Thanks for your reply.  I hope to find the strength to have the letter sent.  I just dont understand why its gotta be like this... .  thats all.

[BentNotBroken]

It has to be this way because BPD is a real mental illness, and not just a "bad attitude." Take the legal action to protect yourself.

You can try to understand about the illness, but I don't think a non-BPD is fully able to truly understand what takes place inside a BPDs head. Without having BPD yourself, the journey from point A to point B to "you did this to me--I hate you!" just doesn't make sense.

There is a wealth of information on these boards, and many members have extensive experience dealing with BPDs from a personal perspective.

Best wishes on your journey.

[ForeverDad]

Playing the game as a Nice Guy or a Nice Gal leaves you vulnerable and at a distinct disadvantage.  It means you try to act ethically and ex doesn't have to.  So as the others wrote, you can't afford to play 'nice', not anymore.  Separate out the emotional content (your reluctance) from the business-type aspects (your needs).  The letter is a no-nonsense notice for her to stop doing whatever she wants and start facing consequences if she doesn't stop.  Sadly, it's necessary.

If later you do have to seek legal remedies through court action, then having had a lawyer to send her a firm notice in legalese will provide a good foundation if additional action is needed.

[DreamGirl]

So I had this problem.

It wasn't too big of a smear campaign... .  but it was a problem.  My husband's BPDexwife tainted my otherwise good name to the small social circle of "soccer moms". Told them I used to be a stripper... .  and that my husband and I had an affair... .  and he left her for me. Told people that I was unaware of who the father of my oldest son was - that when I had him, I had to get a paternity test to figure it out.

It hurt my feelings and it felt bad to be ostracized by these women who would whisper and giggle at the sight of me.

It was an exaggerated version of a lot of different facets of my life. I was never a stripper, but one of my best friend's from highschool was. My husband and I did start dating while they were still married - but 6 months after they legally separated (and she was already living with another man). I do know who my son's father is - I was 17 when I had him - and it's required to get a paternity test when the father is not present at the birth (to sign the birth certificate) when child support is enforced.

She misconstrued some truths to make me look bad.

It's just how she rolls.

She also tells people (still) that my husband was physically abusive during their marriage.

The only action I've ever taken against her - is I never gave her or her wild imagination the time of day.

She loves the fight and I won't give it to her. I don't tell her to stop because I won't get caught up in the drama.

I am not who she says I am. They are her words and that's all they are - just words. I am a kind hearted woman who is open and honest. I love my kids and I do a whole lot for them.

All those soccer moms over time realized who was full of ___ and who wasn't. I never spoke a foul word about her to them. I was polite and smiled often.

She kept being who she was and eventually after watching several of her lovely tirades, they eventually caught on. She burns every friendship/realtionship to the ground that she ever takes on. A pwBPD struggles the most in that department - personal relationships. She showed them who she was - all the while I was showing them who I was.

I've found the most effective way to deal with her smear campaign is to prove her wrong thru my actions - not beg or demand her to knock it off.  

It's what she wants. Attention. She wants to feel like her words actually have value to me.

But they don't.

Like most bullies - she just wants to feel like she matters.

I won't play the game.

I'm also always the "nice girl" when it comes to her (regardless of her cruel words). It's just who I've become as a person.

I do think for some of us, we need to stand up to the bully - because that's who we are and that's who we want to be.  It feels good to take action and tell someone "Enough is enough".

I've tried that too. It didn't feel good to me - and I felt like it was an assault against who I am. I remember shaking and just feeling awful.

And it made things way worse. She doesn't like to keep the gloves up and I try to "fight fair". She can be a vindictive little thing and I just am not equipped well to engage in such a battle. So I let her think she won. I don't fight her. Not ever. My husband and I are peacemakers and so that's what we do. We make peace and we don't take mighty stances. It's proven to be a costly endeavor to do so and we hate courtrooms and attorneys. 

So in this, hardhabit, I think you must be true to yourself and how you live your life. 

Figure out why her words hurt and if that keeping yourself engulfed in the madness is where you'd prefer to be. This letter will keep you there. Especially when you need to enforce it - which you more then likely will. The history of these boards will tell you that a piece of paper telling her to stop might not work.

You went NC with her. She's trying to get your attention.

It's working like a charm.

~DreamGirl

[BentNotBroken]

There is not a one size fits all to this. If it were just nasty little petty rumors that just bruised my ego, I wouldn't waste the time or money. My BPD has rallied people to testify against me in court over events that never even happened in order to cut me off from our son. She has cost me tens of thousands of dollars in extra legal fees due to her lies. I know she is mentally ill, but I have no more compassion or empathy for her destructive behavior.

Its not just a bruised ego for me, I am fighting for the right to parent my son. He can't afford for me to tuck my tail between my legs and slink away. His future is riding on me right now. She is verbally abusive and physically violent. My son is less than 2 years old. Damn right I am going to fight for him!

[Matt]

DG's situation (as she describes it here) was mostly social.

Your situation is at least partly legal.

Big difference!

Social issues - how you are perceived by others - are pretty slippery.  The more you try to control them, the more you look like a jerk.  :)G's method is to show, not tell;  act like a good person and over time people will perceive you as a good person.

That can work in court, too.  If you go to each hearing or other event, and you're on time, prepared, professional, courteous, and moderate in how you communicate, and if the other party acts like a jerk, then all the key people - the judge, both attorneys, and any other professionals involved - will see that and draw their own conclusions as to who is part of the problem and who is part of the solution.

But... .  in the legal process, it's not all about perceptions.  It's partly about evidence too.  If there is evidence that one party is making false statements about the other - or even negative statements that aren't backed up - then I think it's wise to shine the bright light of day on that - get it right out on the table for all to see.

Leaving false accusations unchallenged in the legal process is probably a mistake.  The court (and other participants in the process) may assume that it's true if you don't make clear that it's false.

And shining a light on the false accusations will also make it clear that the other party's words can't be taken at face value.  If you show that the other party doesn't always tell the truth their credibility will go down and yours should go up.

[SayWha?]

Don't be afraid to set the boundary. My husband's uBPD ex-wife started harassing me. She got my unlisted phone number and thought it was a good idea to call me in front of SS and leave nasty messages about DH and how crappy I was.

I hired a lawyer within an hour who sent her a nasty letter. I don't mess around. She stopped bothering me. I was the first and only person to stand up to her in DH's family and I did it so fast and with such force that she actually stopped. Now we have a no contact order written into the CO due to the fact that she called and harassed me, DH's parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, his boss. She even used to call females colleagues of his at work and pretend to be a student and ask who he was dating. She called his secretary and demanded that she give him DH's daily routine complete with times and names of women he was involved with. Did the same to his boss. She actually asked his boss to tell her where he was at any given point in the day because she needed to know.

[theodore]

I've tried that too. It didn't feel good to me - and I felt like it was an assault against who I am. I remember shaking and just feeling awful.

And it made things way worse. She doesn't like to keep the gloves up and I try to "fight fair". She can be a vindictive little thing and I just am not equipped well to engage in such a battle.

pwBPD are a serious force to be reckoned with.  They are practically unbeatable.  Us NON's are normally lousy at this sort of fight. 

I knew that I had no chance of winning or stopping the smear campaign.  I moved from my community when I divorced my Nut Job and left all my old acquaintances behind.  I've made new friends in my new community and I don't think twice about the sort of lies she's spreading in our old neighborhood.  I'm sure she's saying things about me but since we have no friends in common, it doesn't matter.

[Snapple]

I too am considering a cease and desist letter to my ex. But, I feel that I may be opening an even bigger can of worms by doing so. I do not want to give him the attention that he is trying to draw. The funny thing is... he keeps going on facebook telling everyone, and naming me by name, that he is gonna serve ME with papers if I do not stop telling lies about him! Which I do not. The only thing that I have done is defend myself to the lies he has told about me for years now, and doing damage control for the lies he has told about things that happened while we were together. Like telling many of my friends that I secretly hated them... .  and talked about the while we were together. (this is just a minor example)... .  He is good at recruiting people to ride the hate train too. How do they do that? Some people see through his lies, some people do not, others are just confused as to what to think. I have chosen after his latest rant, which actually involved him and someone else who doesn't like me for a completely different reason, to gang up on me together... .  I decided to COMPLETELY ignore... .  from now on! I have to! This last time I even tried to make contact with him via phone,to try and come to an understanding, he refused my calls, and then put yet anther post on FB, about how he doesn't trust me after all the years of me spreading lies, which is projection obviously because this is what he does... .  and that I need to back off from trying to talk to him! He won't talk to me, but will gladly talk about me!   I completely understand your frustration. Even trying to type this situation makes me feel like I am losing my mind... .  

[tog]

My SO's uN/BPDstbxw has smeared his name all over the private school SS goes to, starting with his application (which we saw when it was subpoenaed).

I said, let's just go in there every time with our heads held high and forget about what is said, and we have. She has been telling them all for 1.5 years now that SO is abusive and she will shortly be getting sole custody.

Um, it's still 50/50 after several court dates, so I'm sure at least some people are on to her. And others probably believe her.

If she were harassing me DIRECTLY, I'd do something. But I don't engage her at all for the very reason DG said. It's not who I am, and I know I would lose that battle AND my dignity.

[Snapple]

It is frustrating how convincing a borderline can be. It's like they could tell the judge that the sky is purple and green, and the judge would say "yep, it is. My ex uses others to intimidate... .  is even a noted person in his church. They all love to pray for him, so his crazy ex (aka me) will leave him alone. But they do not even know who I am... .  most have never even met me.

[Gottagonow]

My STBX has been conducting her smear campaign since before the kiddos I I moved out. She just stepped it up to a crazy level after we left. I would get phone calls from relatives of hers that were 10 states away letting me know what she was saying about me. Also that they did not believe a word of it. I have tried to live a respectable life & never done anything bad to any one of them, ever. A good portion of the witnesses that will be appearing in court are HER family members that are honest people offering to tell the truth on my behalf. Sure, there are a few that feel family is family and nothing else matters, but unless they tell lies, they do not have a single negative thing they can say against me.

She still tries, but I ignore it all. She started with trying to contact me, I did not respond, then tried through other people, then went over the top with laes about how physically abusive I was with her for our entire marriage. I refused to give her the time of day over any of it. If asked by someone if "XYZ" happened, I would answer with the truth. Other than that, I refuse to play into her drama.