Welcome to the best free resource in the world for those of us that have a BPD person in our lives!
Abuse should be a deal breaker for anyone. However, based on my own experience of 15+ years with my BPD ex-girlfriend, I can tell you that it is not easy to see when you are immersed in it 24/7 and it starts out very subtle. If she is at the point where she is physically violent, you can try having a talk with your son about his physical safety. You may want to get a therapist involved to find out the best way to approach this. Is there a history of violence between them? Are there kids involved?
My BPD ex tried to drive wedges in between my family members, but was not sucessful. She eventually managed to cut me off completely from her family when previously we had a good relationship. She used fabricated stories of abuse to alienate me from her family--they think I am a monster, and stopped speaking to me shortly after our son was born. I was clueless as to what was actually going on until the trap was sprung. BPD ex wanted to get rid of me, but needed the financial backing of her parents. She started with little lies to her mother, paving the way for bigger and bigger lies of abuse. Once she had me completely painted black, her parents and extended family were ready to throw their life savings behind her to cut me out of our son's life. Her mother is a huge gossip and her primary enabler. Her father has a huge guilt complex over not protecting his daughter from abuse (some possibly real and some fake), and his own prior history of losing his temper with her and slapping her around. Life has been extremely unpleasant for me, and I have been separated from her for over a year. The only thing that has kept her rages in check has been the scrutiny of the court system.
BPD is an extremely serious mental illness. It is not one that suddenly resolves with a moment of clarity and everything becomes great. Without years of intensive therapy, the rages and violence tend to get worse. Your son could be a saint, and a BPD will break him down little by little, until he is either a suicidal wreck or just as unstable and violent as she is. I know from personal experience. I never got physically violent, but my BPDex did almost push me over the edge into suicide. It had worked on her husband, and she tried to do the same with me. She denies it of course, and even denies ever raising her voice. They tend to blame, deny, and twist reality when confronted and can be extremely dangerous when they feel they might be abandoned.
I would recommend speaking with a professional therapist and continue to post on these forums for your own healing as well as getting help for your son.
