My story- hope I can find some support here

[thespacebetween]

Hello all,

  I am a 37 yr old daughter of an undiagnosed BPM.  She is undiagnosed but it has been suggested to her, as well as by my therapists and I'm also in graduate school for social work. It is beyond obvious.

I had ignored a lot of issues from my childhood until my marriage began to fail. In therapy I let some things out, and before I knew it, it ALL came out. I was shocked at letting myself remember a lot of what I had pushed down, but I was also faced with the fact my Mom is getting in my opinion worse and worse with her behavior.

As a child, she was neglectful, borderline abusive... .  I have a lot of unrecovered memories from those times. She was single, no family but my great grandmother who was in her 80's when I was born, she would leave me with her when she was pushing 90 yrs old to go party, do drugs, see married men. She had trouble holding down jobs, would lie and steal from them.  She did not take care of our home and it was over run with feral cats, who made it flea infested. IT was filled with dirt and grime, and We had no working oven for many many years. She finally bought me a bed at age 13 b/c I was complaining about sleeping in the bed with her still.   She did laundry probably once a month, would buy us new clothes instead of doing it.   I was teased for the fact I smelled.  I wet the bed for a long time and my clothes would smell like urine ( or I would wear urinated on underwear etc to school).   I was extremly overweight as she did not cook ever, we ate mcdonalds all the time.  I rarely went to school.    Thats just the tip of the iceberg regarding my childhood.

I never learned how to be a person. I lied, I cheated, I schemed to get attention, to get love from anyone. I made up stories. I thought that was what people did. My Mother is a compulsive liar, she says not 3 words before a lie comes out. 

I feel like I missed out on my life.  I was a very smart child. I was offered into gifted and talented groups and my mother would only want her own regonition from that, she never pursued it or helped me become something as an adult. 

I have faced many issues myself with mental illnesses over the years. From eating disorders, to OCD, panic attacks, agoraphobia, hypochondria etc.  I am a literal mess.

I am FINALLY with the help of this therapist seeing who I really am, and can be. It is scary and yet exciting work for me. I have a long way to go.

I am angry. I am so so angry and hateful for all I missed, all I could have been, could have done. I don't want to live in the past.

I am also tired of being around her. She lives downstairs from us, financially we cannot solve that arrangment now, because of the problems with my marriage and I am a stay at home mom... .  but I am working on it ( I am in college full time now!) 

When she starts to rage or become mean to my children, I cannot confront her entirely. I find it too hard and yet I want to scream at myself for letting her treat them that way. 

I cannot stand to be in the same room as her for more then 2 seconds.

She is really a miserable person, she never EVER has a ncie thing to say, an encouraging, motivating word, everything is negative, her worries and fears are overwhelming, she does not live in reality at all, she thinks it is all US and not her.  Everything is about her, and I don't know if I have ever felt a moment of love from her.  When I think of all the times I THOUGHT I did, It was all for her. 

I thought I had all these moments of love... .  I really did, and then I woke up, and realized it was all an act. It is hard to face that.

This is getting long, thanks for letting me join you all and any advice or guidance is greatly appreciated. 

I know this was all over the place. Forgive me for the disjointed thoughts.

[doubleAries]

Hi spacebetween--

Yes, you will support here. I'm sorry for what you have been through and are still going through. It is excellent that you are in therapy. I spent years trying to sort all this out on my own, and while I did make progress, I fell into a lot of common pitfalls. Therapy has been a HUGE help for me.

We have lots of articles, videos, workshops and supporting friends here on bpdfamily.com's. Here's an article I think will help The Five Stages of Discovery for Family Members

My mother is a rage filled BPD as well. It really messed up my point of reference--as you are describing. I thought once I "grew up" and got away from her, everything would be fine and dandy. However, it wasn't--I was a mess, never learned any better. That has changed a lot over the years. And continues to change, thankfully!

I had horrible issues with OCD starting when I was about 11. Counting every single footstep I took in sets of 4's--ACK! It was awful!

Hang in there, and welcome--glad to have you aboard.

[thespacebetween]

Thank you for the welcome! I appreciate hearing your story as well, I feel less alone.