the glimpses...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Although I have made great strides and progress with the idea that I will never have the mother I have always wished for, or daydreamed about... .  that existing notion still has a tendency to dangle in front of me- like bait, and still I fall guilty of taking it every now and then. The thing that keeps me coming back for it, is those glimpses of the mom I long for. Its frusturating when I have done so well keeping boundaries up for weeks, even months and then I see her- and instead of being passive, or combative with me-- she is wonderful! Making me laugh, happy to see me, sharing a nice story... .  its those glimpses that take my guard down.

Last night I stopped over my parents house, where my dBPD mother sat still in her pajamas at 5pm... .  I ran in to grab something I needed and there she was- happy to see me, not upset I was only running in and not staying long, and acting really sweet to me?

I leave and get in the car with my SO and mention how great she was. and what do I do- I revel in that glimpse and text her "miss you, lets do lunch this week." well of course that turns into me needing to accomodate to her 'busy' schedule (I work two jobs- and she has never worked a day in her life) and which days work for her, and actually only dinner will work, etc, etc. I immediately become stressed and remember why I dont invite her to do things. I keep my boundaries good and remind myself who I am dealing with in order to try and not get stressed... .  but the texts keep coming. I finally ignore her and transition relatively smooth out the texting... .  

until I recieve an email this morning (wrote by her at 2am). She is upset we cant make more effort to spend time together and shes disapponited I am going to see my NBPD dad tonight (i knew that was coming from the moment he and I made plans) and asking why our relationship is so strained. And now I am just filled with regret and guilt. Why do I do this to myself... .  why cant i remember to keep my boundaries firms-- its those glimpses... .  they are my bait and so often I take it and get reeled into this stressful situation that I emotionally cannot deal with right now. She is not a bad person, and its those glimpses that remind me actually all the wonderful things about her... .  but at the end of the day I always need to remember who I am dealing with. I could write her a novel back to her email explaining why "our relatinoship is strained" but as usual I need to be the bigger person and remind myself that running on a gerbil wheel will get me no where. I need to use the tools and methods I have learned to deal with her... .  although I still find myself just tip toeing around her crap and reminding myself that she is mentally ill... .  I wish there was a way to show her that when I reach out to her- she repels me away. sigh... .  but there is not and thats why I need to let those glimpses dangle and enjoy them for what they are... .  a glimpse of the person I do love and nothing more. 

[UpwardAndOnward]

Although I have made great strides and progress with the idea that I will never have the mother I have always wished for, or daydreamed about... .  that existing notion still has a tendency to dangle in front of me- like bait, and still I fall guilty of taking it every now and then. The thing that keeps me coming back for it, is those glimpses of the mom I long for. Its frusturating when I have done so well keeping boundaries up for weeks, even months and then I see her- and instead of being passive, or combative with me-- she is wonderful! Making me laugh, happy to see me, sharing a nice story... .  its those glimpses that take my guard down.

Last night I stopped over my parents house, where my dBPD mother sat still in her pajamas at 5pm... .  I ran in to grab something I needed and there she was- happy to see me, not upset I was only running in and not staying long, and acting really sweet to me?

I leave and get in the car with my SO and mention how great she was. and what do I do- I revel in that glimpse and text her "miss you, lets do lunch this week." well of course that turns into me needing to accomodate to her 'busy' schedule (I work two jobs- and she has never worked a day in her life) and which days work for her, and actually only dinner will work, etc, etc. I immediately become stressed and remember why I dont invite her to do things. I keep my boundaries good and remind myself who I am dealing with in order to try and not get stressed... .  but the texts keep coming. I finally ignore her and transition relatively smooth out the texting... .  

until I recieve an email this morning (wrote by her at 2am). She is upset we cant make more effort to spend time together and shes disapponited I am going to see my NBPD dad tonight (i knew that was coming from the moment he and I made plans) and asking why our relationship is so strained. And now I am just filled with regret and guilt. Why do I do this to myself... .  why cant i remember to keep my boundaries firms-- its those glimpses... .  they are my bait and so often I take it and get reeled into this stressful situation that I emotionally cannot deal with right now. She is not a bad person, and its those glimpses that remind me actually all the wonderful things about her... .  but at the end of the day I always need to remember who I am dealing with. I could write her a novel back to her email explaining why "our relatinoship is strained" but as usual I need to be the bigger person and remind myself that running on a gerbil wheel will get me no where. I need to use the tools and methods I have learned to deal with her... .  although I still find myself just tip toeing around her crap and reminding myself that she is mentally ill... .  I wish there was a way to show her that when I reach out to her- she repels me away. sigh... .  but there is not and thats why I need to let those glimpses dangle and enjoy them for what they are... .  a glimpse of the person I do love and nothing more. 

[BiancaRose]

I *know*, right?

Your idea of 'the glimpses' captures what it's like so perfectly. When I kicked my husband out, I got a glimpse of who I wish my mom could be - all supportive (she really hated him), taking me out for lunches and dinners, hitting the mall with me, driving me places, super-helpful and really nice. But then when I do something she doesn't like, she tries to leverage those glimpses of support into bending me to her will.

I had sort of a breakthrough moment when she told me (as she always does) how she knows how much I hate her. That's always really been upsetting for me; I first started cutting as a teen directly as a result of that accusation. This time I fired off the usual knee-jerk response that "I don't hate you; I need you to respect boundaries x, y, and z" . . . but then on reflection I realized that wasn't true: I do hate her. I love the idea of a mother, but I hate the one I've got. She's not unconditionally loving or supporting, and the things we do together aren't about bonding or spending time on common pursuits, because she will turn them around and use them to try to control my decision-making. It let me recognize that I don't owe her love the way I thought I did, because she is my abuser. It was incredibly freeing to be able to tell myself that I hate her and I hate how she treats me and that's okay.

But of course that doesn't change the feeling of something missing when you know you'll never have a good relationship with your mother because she'll always be mean and using you. Even feeling like I have my own permission to hate her, I'm still sad sometimes because I wish I had a mother I could love. But her love only ever hurts. It sucks. 

[thespacebetween]

I have had those glimpses too. Usually it is only when I don't let her get a word in edgewise and I run out/away before she can speak and then in truth the glipse was only because I didn't let her speak and all made up in my head anyway : ( 

I know how it feels to WANT a mother, a caring mother who gives unconditional love.  I don't know that the want ever goes away , and to reconcile the two ( the noth having and the wanting) is something that seems really hard to do at times.

I'm sorry you got pulled in. : ( 

[hopesprings]

I think the "glimpses" may be part of the whole cycle.  My mom's glimpses have kept me hooked and hopeful all my life.  They seem so promising.  Just when I have come to terms that she has serious issues that have had huge consequences in my life, she is fun, happy, funny, cute, energetic, helpful, - all the things that make her wonderful to me and everyone else.  I start to trust a little bit, allow some more contact and then WHAM out comes the suspicion, the comments that drive wedges into my relationships, it is really difficult.  I have finally really accepted that she can't help it and isn't going to change.  I was fortunate in that her last instance of BPD behavior was so crystal clear that I had the epiphany that I have allowed her to be an authority in my life, even though she isn't capable of being in that position.  Thinking she can act like an appropriate mother ALL the time is like expecting a blind person to describe colors, or a paraplegic to stand.  She can't do it and I'm just participating in the "crazy" if I expect her to.

[UpwardAndOnward]

I had the epiphany that I have allowed her to be an authority in my life, even though she isn't capable of being in that position.  Thinking she can act like an appropriate mother ALL the time is like expecting a blind person to describe colors, or a paraplegic to stand.  She can't do it and I'm just participating in the "crazy" if I expect her to.

I love that line. Some of my close friends understand my mom is "crazy" but they dont really GET it. hearing from people like you, that truly GET it and have been in the same position as me is a really validating feeling. I fall guilty of having false expectations with her and your exactly right- Im just participating if I keep doing it. Thanks Hopesprings- your post really hit home with me!

[thespacebetween]

it is hard to not expect them to sometimes be normal and to catch yourself forgetting how limited they really are.   I hate those moments myself because the let down after is so huge, that I think I need to keep telling myself to remember not to fall for it. 

Noen of my friends etc. get it either. They will when I talk about stuff say , your mom was so cool, your mom is so nice, REALLY?  It is hard to get your ( our) feelings validated when people around you say these things right?

[BiancaRose]

Just had a sudden sort of burst of recognition I thought I'd share:

Towards the end of my marriage, I started recognizing the 'cycle of abuse' in my relationship with my husband. (If you google it, you get some very helpful diagrams.) Basically after each major blow-out, there's a honeymoon period where he acts super-nice, brings gifts, tries to re-establish security. Then tension builds gradually, leading ultimately to another blow-up. This model described the pattern in my marriage very accurately. One time my husband brought me flowers after a fight where he'd hit me, and I burst out crying because it was such a cliche.

Hopesprings mentioned the glimpses being part of the cycle, and that's what came to mind. It's the same as the 'honeymoon period', and it serves a function in the abusive person's desire to maintain control. It keeps you hooked by reminding you of the dreams, hopes, and wishes associated with the relationship. If things were horrible all the time, it would be easy to break away, but 'glimpses' make sure that we get just enough good times that we don't end the relationship and completely break away from the other person's control.

[BiancaRose]

Noen of my friends etc. get it either. They will when I talk about stuff say , your mom was so cool, your mom is so nice, REALLY?  It is hard to get your ( our) feelings validated when people around you say these things right?

A lot of my friends used to get that way as well. I've read and heard that a lot of people with BPD and other similar issues will be on their best behaviour around certain people so they can preserve an image of being nice, sweet, fun, cool, good, or however they want to be seen. My mom was/is always on her best behaviour around my friends.

As time has gone by, most of the ones who have been close to me for a long time have come to understand that she's not all she seems. As I began reaching out, telling them stories or showing them transcripts of e-mail/instant message conversations with my mom, even in some cases showing them bruises she gave me, they realized that there's a discrepancy between who she pretends to be and who she really is. Now when she gives them her super-nice act, they're polite to her, but they're not fooled.

[thespacebetween]

Just had a sudden sort of burst of recognition I thought I'd share:

Towards the end of my marriage, I started recognizing the 'cycle of abuse' in my relationship with my husband. (If you google it, you get some very helpful diagrams.) Basically after each major blow-out, there's a honeymoon period where he acts super-nice, brings gifts, tries to re-establish security. Then tension builds gradually, leading ultimately to another blow-up. This model described the pattern in my marriage very accurately. One time my husband brought me flowers after a fight where he'd hit me, and I burst out crying because it was such a cliche.

Hopesprings mentioned the glimpses being part of the cycle, and that's what came to mind. It's the same as the 'honeymoon period', and it serves a function in the abusive person's desire to maintain control. It keeps you hooked by reminding you of the dreams, hopes, and wishes associated with the relationship. If things were horrible all the time, it would be easy to break away, but 'glimpses' make sure that we get just enough good times that we don't end the relationship and completely break away from the other person's control.

WOW, that is a great example and makes total sense to me ( both in my marriage... .  ha!) and in my relationship with my mother.   Thanks for sharing that.

[thespacebetween]

As time has gone by, most of the ones who have been close to me for a long time have come to understand that she's not all she seems. As I began reaching out, telling them stories or showing them transcripts of e-mail/instant message conversations with my mom, even in some cases showing them bruises she gave me, they realized that there's a discrepancy between who she pretends to be and who she really is. Now when she gives them her super-nice act, they're polite to her, but they're not fooled.

Yes, now my mother has actually gotten a LOT lot worse as she ages and people are starting to see it , but when I first started therapy and would talk to my close friends about it, they would... .  I don't wanna say not believe me... .  but would think I was coloring the truth I am sure, now it is sadly becoming more obvious it is the truth.  MY stupid truth.

[InaMinorRole]

Would it help if you stopped labeling what you see as "glimpses," and recognized that you're seeing not a tiny part of a bigger goodness but the whole enchilada? Because some people have moms that are like a million bucks and some of us have moms that are like fifty cents. When you get your little fifty cents from her be content and don't hope for more because you will only be disappointed. Then the minute Nice Mom turns into that horrible woman again you can switch off and think, hey, I had Nice Mom for a little while, and then leave until the current crisis blows over.

I hope what I just said was coherent. It's about lowering your expectations for her.

By the way, I totally relate to the comments about friends thinking Mom was so nice. She was quite an actress.