Feeling stronger each day, but still missing the good side of my exbfBPD...

[happiness68]

I feel stronger as each day passes, being thankful for all the good that I have in my life.  I still miss the good side of my exbfBPD.  The way we laughed together (and we really did laugh), the times we shared (especially our holidays where we had more time together without worrying about work or anyone else around us.  I still miss him even though I remember the bad times.  I know the bad times are what will see me through.  I feel so sad that he's the way he is.  I wish to God he could have felt the way I felt and not have this illness.  I feel so angry that I finally found someone I wanted to spend my life with and he's ill.  I find myself going through such a mix of emotions.  Most of the time these days I'm up, but every few days I get the odd hour or so where I dwell on the sadness around it all. I know this is just going through the motions and I think I'm healing and handling it all very well. I know from what I read there is nothing I could have done to save us or save him, but I just wish there would have been.  I really do.  It makes me sad to think of him suffering and hurting with all that torture that must go on inside him.  I get that's all part of unconditional love.  I forgive him for leaving, I forgive him for his outbreaks, I forgive him for all of it.  I even forgive myself for what I felt was my part.  I just wish things could have been different.

[pinkpeony]

Hi happiness68,

Your post made me cry.  I know so deeply what you are feeling.  So much longing for it to have been what I thought it was.  So many happy, good memories that creep seamlessly into the reality that he is very ill and I cannot do anything about it.  I thought as well that my search was over with this wonderful, unique, just-what-I-was-looking-for man, and then it slowly turned upside down with me not even knowing what was happening.  I wish, I wish. It hurts to know I have to move on and in a moment of denial I imagine his next relationship will be the one that ours should have been.  I'm up, I'm down. 

I did not think to forgive him.  In all the other emotion, that did not occur to me yet.  I will work on that, since forgiveness is ultimately a gift to yourself.  Thanks!  Hang in there.

pink

[happiness68]

Pink - definitely forgive him.  It's one of the most important things to do.  I did that from the beginning if I'm honest.  I have no malice to him whatsover for what's happened.  I found it harder to forgive myself and understand there was nothing I could have done.  His next relationship will not be the one that yours should have been.  From what I've read on this site and many other places that I've researched, your BPD will go on to continue the pattern and do the same with the next woman.  You feel like that because you're hurting.  I've been through that too.  I hurt, I hurt every day.  I hurt for what I miss.  Yes, me too, I wish and I wish and I wish, but I know i can't help him and have to move on.  At least I walk away with good memories and understand that not everyone on here has feelings of walking away with good memories.  You do have to move on and you will.  So will I.  I hope that we meet someone who deserves us and can give us what our BPD didn't.  It's a lesson learnt as far as I'm concerned, but forgiveness really must be the gift you give yourself.  You too Pink, be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself.   

[TheRealSully]

Wow, I fee the exact same way you do about everything.  I also keep trying to carry on, but there is this time every day that I just fall back into realizing that my exBPD is gone forever. 

It's hard to accept that they are still alive, but gone forever.  The person is just gone. 

I did something different to deal.  I didn't forgive.  I'm filled with rage and hate for the side of my ex wife that caused all the problems and deprived the good side of my wife of a great, happy life. 

I know the wife I married 10 years ago had nothing to do with the hell that I just went through.  She is lost, gone... .  buried under the crazy person that is now in charge. 

I hate that crazy person and I've told her so many times when she came out during the 12 years total relationship.  But... .  the sweet, caring, intelligent, wonderful best friend I love... .  well... .  I still love her 100% and wish she would come back.  I think she's gone forever though.  Lost under the insanity. 

Such a shame all of this is.

You think you find the love of your life... .  soulmate... .  best friend... .    then they are broken and mentally ill to the point they can't even function. 

[happiness68]

TheRealSully - yes, i know.  It's so hard.  Don't be angry at her.  Be sorry, because she will never ever find the happiness that you are one day capable of having with someone else.  It's so very hard isn't it.  I know what you mean when you say you can't accept that they're alive. I feel like that.  I almost feel like I'm dealing with a bereavement.  I feel like he died.  I even talk about him in the past and have to correct myself. I think to myself how it's like I'm talking about him as if he's dead.  It's so painful dealing with it every day.  It may sound strange, but I welcome sleep, as it's the only time I don't feel hurt and sad.  Yes, soulmate, love of my life, I really thought this was it with him.  Accepting that the illness has made him into something that means he can't be my soulmate/love of my life is the hardest thing for me. As I say I've learnt to forgive him and me, but accepting that part, I try, I try really hard and I pray for the day that it becomes easier.  I still wish I could change it all. 

[TheRealSully]

Well put.  

I may not have written clearly.  I both love and hate the people inside my wife's body.

For my entire 12 year relationship (and 10 year marriage), I have hated CC and told her so when that glassy eyed monster came out.  

At the same time, I love, miss, and feel bad for my real wife who is lost now.  

I actually view them as 2 different people, so I can hate the bad one and love the one I lost.

Different coping mechanism.  

[FoolishOne]

Interesting take Sully... .  kinda like the two sides of Eve?  That glassy-eyed, thousand-yard-stare is what got me in trouble so many times.  When she would adopt that stare, I would (like an idiot) ask her what's wrong.  That's usually all it took to start a full-on nuclear exchange.  Amazing!

F1

[happiness68]

Sully/FoolishOne - that glassy eyed look. Do you know I'd forgotten all about that until reading your posts now. I had an aha moment. Yes, that glassy eyed look.  It was always a sign of what was to come. I'd never realised it until now.  Still having aha moments 3 months on.

Sully - whatever gets you through. If looking at her as 2 people works, I can totally understand that.  My BPD was like two people, so I can easily relate to that.  Perhaps thinking of him as two people in there will help me too. I'll give it a go. I never knew when the change would happen, though the glassy eyed look was definitely a sign looking back.

[Clearmind]

H68, I hear you and when I separated from my ex I felt the same - if only his nice side would be a little more permanent.

Your ex and my ex are who they are - the good and the bad - we cannot split out the bad!

Your ex is many people - she will adapt, change to suit situations, who she is with, whether she is at work, home or with her parents and friends. I have been out for almost 2 years and he was completely different with the new girl!

People with BPD always feel like they dont fit in - feel misunderstood - they will distort their reality to match their emotions - this is why its so confusing - because her emotions are not yours and she cannot self regulate ---> you trying to second guess your every move.

Your ex dissociates to remove herself from reality, hurt, pain - yes it can appear to be glassy looking.

Be good to you, concentrate on why you got into this relationship to begin with - you cannot change your ex but you can learn new relationship skills to choose healthier partners in the future.

[cookiecrumbled]

H68 -

Tears.  Tears.  And more tears.

Thank you for articulating what my heart feels and what my brain cannot.

Cookie.  :'(

[HarmKrakow]

I don't miss the good sides of my gf w BPD, why? Because that wasn't her showing me a good side, that was some idealization mirror she constantly put up which showed me something which I wanted to see and I was foolish enough to ignore the 3.54 million  's at the time.

She didn't meant it, she didn't control the thoughts or 'love' which she 'tried' to show to me during the good times. It was the BPD in full control, and all that was fake. It wasn't real. Every time when she said, I want to grow old with you, take on the world, kids, marriage, etc just to easily break it off a week later. It wasn't her, and I don't blame her for it. I only believe in genuine good times. Not where one of the 2 during a specific time was lying due to her/his own in-capabilities of having empathy.