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bpdsurvivor
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« on: January 21, 2013, 12:11:00 PM » |
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I have posted here before, in different forums. I started posting here after my (final) breakup from my dBPDxgf. When I broke up with her in June 2011, she was 4.5 months pregnant with my daughter. Leaving her was a tough decision. We have never lived together, but I was planning to move in with her once my D was born, but always hesitated, because of the way how she treated me. I broke up with her twice before. The first time when I left, she caused a scene at a train station, crawling on her knees, bawling and desperately crying, begging me not to leave her. That was quite a scene - I will never forget this one. We went NC for a couple of days, but eventually we met and talked in a public place. She was very calm, looked gorgeous (as always) and told me "I will do anything to get you back" and suggested couple's therapy. We went to a couple of sessions, but I didn't like where this was going. She basically wanted ME to change. Don't get me wrong. It always takes two, but the reason why we were seeing a couple's therapist was because SHE wanted to change and work on her rages and crazy jealousy. We only went to a couple of sessions with no result. What I found quite suprising, that after every session, and these got quite intense, she would pretend that nothing happened and acted sweet and nice again. As if this kind of drama was totally normal to her... .
Anyway. Things didn't get better. I was always asking myself "Why am I doing this?" and it seemed obvious to me. She was by far the sexiest woman I ever dated and the sex was the best I ever had. It was like a dream come true. A woman that is super sexy, super attractive and always wants sex when I wanted it. But I had to walk on egg shells all the time, to prevent another rage, so I was slowly starting to "lose" all the things that so many people like about me. I felt this was happening, but I stayed anyway. "If I only could get one beautiful day with her without any problems" is what I thought.
I wasn't myself anymore. I used to be a social butterfly, have a lot of friends, travel a lot, have a lot of hobbies. But I lost it all, only to being able to be with her. We lived 25 miles apart, so we only saw each other on weekends and one night after work during the week. So, I had my life during the week and she had hers. She also had a son from a previous previous marriage, who I grew quite attached to. We were "playing house" on weekends and during the week we pretty much had our own lifes. But I would only sit at home and not do anything. I wasn't even able to meet with (male) co-workers after work, because she would freak out. Many of my friends (the ones that were left) and even my T told me "leave her". But if only they could understand WHY I couldn't go. I couldn't even talk to my T about it, because I didn't know WHAT to say. I just thought that I have a low self-esteem and the fact that a hot girl like that wants to be with me, and also the fact that she had a career that I always wanted to have as well, but was too lazy to go all the way through in school. She had that career, so I thought "this is the closest I will ever get to this career, so I have to stay with her". I even mentioned that to my T and he didn't believe me (because I was expressing myself in a "wrong" way).
She always wanted to have another child, and I was hesitant because of how she treated me. I was worried that our child would grow up with seperated parents, but I never really had the guts to bring this concern up with her. I said it once or twice, but we never discussed it - walking on eggshells again. Then again, I also wanted to have a child, and I wanted to have it with her, the sexiest woman I ever dated. And I knew that due to her career, we would never have any financial problems. But I was still concerned. I feared if I brought up my concerns, SHE would break up with me, so I was again walking on egg shells.
After obsessively timing intercourse based on literally dozens of fertility tests, she got pregnant rather quickly. When she told me about it via text (sending me a photo of the positive test strip), I was happy and worried at the same time. I thought "Now I have to stay with this crazy woman".
Things went downhill very fast from that moment on. When I thought it couldn't get any worse of how someone can treat someone else, I was wrong. She was acting as she wanted to tell me "You've done your job, now get the hell out of here". Well, later I found out that this was actually true, but that's a different story.
Things got so bad, that we ended up not having sex anymore for 3 months or so. But not because she didn't want to, I didn't want to. I couldn't find myself attracted anymore to a woman that was constantly verbally and emotionally abusing me. And it wasn't because she became unattractive due to the pregnancy. Not at all. Her behavior totally turned me off. When I talked to friends about it they told me "It's the hormones". Maybe that was true, but she was bad before, now she got worse.
She started texting a guy she met on business trip and who obviously knew she was pregnant. I am not certain that she cheated on me, but I would give it a 50/50 chance. After all we didn't have sex for about 3 months, so it's possible she went elsewhere to get it. I am not going to go into detail about how I found out about it, but when I did I confronted her, and because she was lying about it and didn't even attempt to apologize or explain, I walked out on her. This was the last and final breakup.
I was relieved that I was able to walk out and mean it. I've read so many stories on this site about how hard it is to leave people with personality disorders. After all, I tried it twice before and failed. I was concerned about our daughter, but at that time I didn't even remotely know what it meant to be a father. I talked to my T and asked him if he could tell me about BPD, because I had talked to a couple of friends who knew a little about this, when I told them about her behavior. And my T, who had listened to my stories for months was just nodding and said "I always suspected that it was something like that" and recommended me to get the book "Stop walking on egg shells". I got it right after the session and started reading that night. I had to pause many times to take deep breath and fighing my emotions, because I couldn't believe what I was reading. This book read like "the missing manual of your BPD ex".
Anyway. I was very comfortable with my decision and thought I would enjoy the summer before my daughter was born and then would discuss with my ex how shared parenting should work.
What happened then would fit into a novel, too much to mention here. Long story short, our "friendly" communication deterioated over the next months, the closer the due date was approaching. At one point she would completely ignore me, tell me to F off and disappear from "their" life. I wasn't even notified by her when my daughter was born.
I am not going into detail about the nasty custody battle I am in right now, because this post is not about that.
This post is about me and why I seem to be still so much into her, that I can't date other women, because they can not compete with her looks and sexiness. But there is more, I always seem to want to "impress" her by telling her what cool things I have done for our daughter or bought for our daughter, just to get her attention or even affection. I know, deep in my heart, that I never wanted to get back together with her. But she has total control over me, because she has my daughter. She is capable of getting information out of me, saying things to her that are damaging my case. How is she able to do that? I used to be the best secret keeper in the world. I could have worked in the government or for Apple. NOTHING would get out. But she can get almost ANYTING out of me. She is always very nice and sweet, dresses very sexy every time I see her or when she drops off my daughter. She invites herself over for coffee when she drops her off or picks her up and engages in conversation and that's when she makes me talk like a parrot. What the F is wrong with me? I was married before and we got divorced. My relationship with my ex wife is not good, but once in a while we'll meet for drinks or dinner. I would never tell my ex wife anything, because I simply don't care. I am not pussy whipped with her, not at all.
My T told me I have something that other people might describe as the "Stockholm Syndrome". He didn't use that term, but I did, because that's the only term I know to describe this kind of behavior: Trying to symphatize with abusers in order to receive affection or lessen the amount of abusal.
I am aware of it, but I am still weak in front of her. Now, when looking at hear, I don't even think she is that hot at all, even after seeing her naked recently and thinking "How could I let her go?" When I look at old photos of her, so basically a static image of her without listening to her voice or being able to smell her, I see the devil (please don't laugh). A lot has happened since the day my daughter was born. We are going through a hingh conflict custody battle, she has done things that nobody would believe (except for everyone on this site), I don't see anything good when looking at a photo of her anymore. But this changes, once we are in the same room. I am turning into an immature teenager, madly in love, but not admitting it.
Sorry for this very long post, but I needed to get this background information in there.
How do I get rid of this "spell from the devil?"
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