Along for the ride

[daylily]

My uBPDh frequently says that this is my life and he's just "along for the ride."  This usually is an excuse for not making decisions, punting them to me and then blaming me when they don't work out to his liking later.  The latest of these is moving.  We live in a very nice house with a lot of land, but the location is far away from my work and my parents (who help out with the kids).  It's also not in the best of neighborhoods (or school districts) and our son will be starting kindergarten in the fall.  My H acknowledges that we need to move before September so our son starts school in a good place.  He agrees with that, and even suggested it initially.  We (or rather I) found a house in a great neighborhood, closer to everything.  H agreed that it's the best place for us.  But now that we're going to sign the lease today, he moans that he is "not excited" about the place or about moving.  He's not raging or anything, just grouchy, but I can see an ocean of blame looming in my future if even the slightest thing goes wrong.

I know I can't make him excited about moving, but how do I support him through this?  Validate his feelings?  I too feel uneasy - change is hard, regardless of whether or not it's for the better.  And how do I feel good about this decision, which I know in my heart is the best one for our children, when he has so many doubts about it?

  :)aylily

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[eeyore]

validation would be helpful.  Moving just sucks... .  imho.  So try to make the best out of it by taking good care of yourself.  Plan for things to go wrong and what you will do.

[waverider]

I can see an ocean of blame looming in my future if even the slightest thing goes wrong.

I know I can't make him excited about moving, but how do I support him through this?  Validate his feelings?  I too feel uneasy - change is hard, regardless of whether or not it's for the better.  And how do I feel good about this decision, which I know in my heart is the best one for our children, when he has so many doubts about it?

  :)aylily

I guess it relies a lot on self esteem and self validation. Even if he was enthusiastic, it is a change, and any issues subsequent to that would be your fault. Accept and deal with any issues when/if they arise. Worrying to much about potential future reactions can disable us in the now.

Make a clear balanced and subjective decision and be happy with it. This is something a pwBPD doesn't usually have the ability to do. Dont allow the gloom of an unhealthy mind to disable the ability of a healthy mind.

It could turn out to be a great move, then it will have all been his idea. Just think of the opportunity to thank him for making great decisions

[daylily]

Thanks for your responses.  Yes, eeyore, moving sucks!  Wave: Even if it turns out wonderful, he'll make a big deal about how the dishwasher doesn't have a "pot scrubber" setting, or something stupid like that.     What is more likely is that he won't get along with the neighbors because he tends to have issues like that.  Then the move will be my fault because I made us move into a house with terrible neighbors (not that he's the cause of anything).  Oh well, this is the life I chose.  This is the man I chose. 

As an update, things are escalating.  We signed the lease yesterday, and today he's blaming me for all the work he has to do ahead.  He says all that he is doing to prepare for the move is a "favor" to me.  I am just so angry because I was so careful in this process to involve him in every step, asking over and over if this is what he wanted to do, reminding him of the upsides and downsides.  As usual, there was barely a peep until after it's too late to back out.  THEN he never wanted it to begin with, this is all me, blah, blah.  I reminded him that this is not a "favor" to me but is what is best for our son and we would have to do it anyway before the fall, and he agreed, but said we could have done it later than now.  I'm not sure how putting it off a few months would have decreased the amount of work that has to be done, but, to use his favorite word, "whatever."  I yelled at him and my son heard us from the other room this morning.  He told us to "stop arguing."  I need to get control of myself.  We're moving to help our son and I'm harming him defending it!  Ugh.   :'(   

As may be obvious from the tone of this post, I am having trouble with my anger.  I am so "over it" I was thinking of posting on the undecided board today, but I'm staying, so I'm not going to do that.  Maybe it's the stress, but I am really struggling with acceptance of his limitations right now.  I am making things worse by getting angry at him.  Maybe I should just go with the flow that he's doing me a favor and show appreciation?  Gotta swallow my pride to do that, but if it will make life easier, maybe that's what I gotta do... .  Usually I just do everything myself or arrange for someone else to help me.  It's not as much an option now.  I do need his help.  I'm not strong enough to move big furniture!

[Cloudy Days]

As usual, there was barely a peep until after it's too late to back out. 

Oh my goodness, my husband does this every time we move! Or on other important decisions like buying a car. The last time we moved we had to do it quickly because of him not getting along with our neighbors (go figure). We looked at the like 4 houses we could possibly afford. After hearing nothing from him and me choosing the only house that had everything we wanted at a price we could afford (it was a no brainer on the choice) we looked at the house one more time and signed the lease. He didn't act like he gave a crap about any of it until that lease was signed. Then I got to hear about how crappy this place was going to be and how much of a dump it was and he shouldn't trust me to make decisons.  I was like seriously, we were acutally moving from a terribly trashy 1bed apartment to a 50 year old house with a garage and yard and two extra rooms. It was a major step up from where we were. I asked him so many times what his opinion was and he didn't have one.

[yeeter]

I yelled at him and my son heard us from the other room this morning.  He told us to "stop arguing." 

  But you know this.  It takes two to create conflict.

As may be obvious from the tone of this post, I am having trouble with my anger.  I am so "over it" I was thinking of posting on the undecided board today, but I'm staying, so I'm not going to do that.  

Maybe it's the stress, but I am really struggling with acceptance of his limitations right now.  I am making things worse by getting angry at him.  

Hey daylily.  Hugs.  

Moving IS stressful!  For you too!  And you are in a situation where you may be asking more from your partner, than he is able to give.

Given where you are at, right in the middle of getting moved, you might reset your expectations on what involvement you need from him.  In other words, dont expect much.  Is there a way you can get help in other ways so you dont rely on him as much?  It does sound like he is going to crab and whine and complain through the entire time - you know this - what are you doing to prevent it from getting under your skin?

[daylily]

I asked him so many times what his opinion was and he didn't have one.

YESSSSSSSSSSSS!  Thank you, Cloudy.  Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but it's nice to hear I'm not alone.

Sometimes I wonder where we'd be if I didn't make any decisions.  He says he likes to just "let the world decide" by sitting back and seeing what happens.  I agree there may be a time and place for that, but if we did it all the time, we would just be floating around and going nowhere.  It's tempting sometimes, though, to just sit back and let him take responsibility for SOMETHING.

[daylily]

Given where you are at, right in the middle of getting moved, you might reset your expectations on what involvement you need from him.  In other words, dont expect much.  Is there a way you can get help in other ways so you dont rely on him as much?  It does sound like he is going to crab and whine and complain through the entire time - you know this - what are you doing to prevent it from getting under your skin?

I feel between a rock and a hard place because I'd like to spend money on movers but he won't want to do that (even though he doesn't want to do it himself either... .  )

[dawnjd]

I so understand this! uBPDso, when things aren't great, likes to remind me that we wouldn't be in this "God-awful state" if it wasn't for me. Yet on a good day, he LOVES living here with me. And when we had to buy a car last fall. OMG, even though he needed it for work, it was my fault and I was pushing him into soemthing, forcing him to get rid of his truck. Blah blah blah. (nevermind the fact it was my credit that got him the new car, no thank you, ever). at least with the car I could throw up my hands and say, "Then don't get it."

With moving, especially when you are already set up to move, you can't just throw up your hands and say, "then lets not move!" Maybe you can find good things about the new home? "Look honey, the garage is large for that bigger workbench you have wanted." or "This attic would make a great 'Manspace'". I dunno, but maybe you can find something that he would get excited about with the new home.

Good luck! Hugs!

[yeeter]

I feel between a rock and a hard place because I'd like to spend money on movers but he won't want to do that (even though he doesn't want to do it himself either... .  )

I do understand this feeling.  You are setup to fail.  No decision you make will be the 'right' one.

So knowing this, make a decision anyway (you cant be 'more' wrong since you are going to be 'wrong' anyway... .  ).  So it sounds like:

1)  you cannot rely on him to participate or help out

2)  you cannot do it on your own

3)  the commitment has been made, and it needs done

4)  you feel stuck because you are still trying to appease your h - who isnt capable of being appeased

Im only reading one solution in here... .  and that is for you to get help.  Offer for him to do it first if he wants, but if not then you will do xyz... .  

Somehow you have put him in a position to block your actions (willingly, or unwillingly).  So find a path that isnt contingent upon his actions.  Im likely missing something here.

Or, what is really upsetting you is that he doesnt want to take responsibility.  Which as you know, you cant really 'make'  him do.

[daylily]

dawn:  Thanks so much for your support!  When we were at the new house yesterday I was emphasizing the size of the garage and where his "man stuff" would go.  We're moving from a larger place, so it's a hard sell.

Yeeter: Thank you for your insightful post.  Yes, I do give him too much power.  His main complaint is that he is powerless in our marriage (I make the money and he stays home with the kids, an arrangement that makes him feel like less of a "man", so I try to engage him in the decision making process.  Unfortunately, it doesn't go well when I do.  But if I don't, he views it as an attack on his manhood or his ability to contribute.  That's the conflict here.  He doesn't want to do it, but he feels like he has to because if he doesn't, he is worthless as a husband, a man, and a human being.

I can rely on him to participate and help out.  He will do it.  He will probably do it well.  But he will make my life miserable (blame, complain, criticize, insult, jab, guilt trip, etc. before, during, and after).  He has a bad back too, so he'll probably hurt his back moving our stuff and that will cause more issues.  

The problem here is twofold.  (1) I don't want to deal with him being unhappy and blaming when I'm going through a stressful move.  (2) I want him to want this move so we can be excited about it together.  Both, especially #2, are unrealistic.  I acknowledge that.

I think what I'll do is find a moving company that isn't too expensive and propose that to him, emphasizing that I'm worried about his back.  He'll probably still want to do it himself, because he doesn't want to spend money (that's hard for us to come up with) to do a job that he as a "man" and a "husband" should be doing himself.  I'm still giving him the power with this solution, but if I spend a bunch of our money without consulting with him, that will be even worse.

[daylily]

I just talked to him.  I proposed the movers and told him I was worried about his back.  He just said "no."  Then he twisted around a conversation we had about something else a few months ago and threw that in my face to prove that I don't care about him.  I'll try to talk to him again later when he's calmed down.  Sigh.

[eeyore]

I have learned to do things how I want because it makes it easier on me.  No matter what he's going to complain so I let him complain but do what's best for me. 

[daylily]

I have learned to do things how I want because it makes it easier on me.  No matter what he's going to complain so I let him complain but do what's best for me. 

Thanks, eeyore.  I know this is so true, but I just wish I had a partner in life instead of an opponent.  My H has some good ideas about things, and if he wasn't so busy finding ways to shoot my ideas down or bringing up every past failure I've had, we could get somewhere together.  I am finding that if I just give him some time to mull things over and get out of his emotional state, it's easier to make joint decisions.  That's just hard for me because I like to get things done and move on to the next project.

He ultimately agreed to the movers.  Still complaining a lot about the move and pointing out everything we're giving up by moving.  To justify his complaining, he's using the excuse that even though the move is a "done deal," we still need to focus on what wrong with it so we (i.e., I, Daylily) can "learn for next time." 

  Daylily

[eeyore]

good job in not picking up that gauntlet.  Try to focus on what will make you happy with the move rather than his complaints.  Hear his complaints and then just free your self of the emotional handcuffs. 

I hear you when you say you wish you had life partner.  But accepting that it's your choice to stay in the relationship knowing that he doesn't have the ability to be the life partner you want is also part of the process.  It sounds like you struggle with hope to change him or hope that he will change.  And your are frustrated that he hasn't changed.   It's the false sense of hope that I found to be the real struggle.  Once I got over that I figured out how I could truly be content and at peace. 

[daylily]

I hear you when you say you wish you had life partner.  But accepting that it's your choice to stay in the relationship knowing that he doesn't have the ability to be the life partner you want is also part of the process.  It sounds like you struggle with hope to change him or hope that he will change.  And your are frustrated that he hasn't changed.   It's the false sense of hope that I found to be the real struggle.  Once I got over that I figured out how I could truly be content and at peace. 

I feel like I'm fortunate because my H is high functioning and even acts somewhat "normal" at times.     But when he's under stress or feeling bad about himself, or when something triggers him, I'm fighting against my own husband to move forward in life.     If he was more dysfunctional more of the time, it would be easier to dismiss his comments and easier to accept that he's not going to be a healthy member of a team.  He can be empathetic and rational (or at least he acts that way), so it's harder for me to accept his limitations when the pendulum swings the other way.   I certainly don't want to give up the "rational times," though!  

[daylily]

Try to focus on what will make you happy with the move rather than his complaints.  Hear his complaints and then just free your self of the emotional handcuffs. 

What's hard about this is that his complaints have some merit.  Yes, this house is smaller.  Yes, we have to share a closet.  Yes, there is less room in the garage for H's toys.  If I felt certain about this move, it would be so much easier to dismiss his comments.  I choose in life to focus on the positive, but that's a choice.  I still see the negative, but I try to work through it or ignore it if I've already decided that the positives are worth the negatives.  Here, this house is in a much better location and is in a great school district for our kids.  We have to give things up to get those benefits.  It's just hard to stay focused on the positive and be certain that the decision is correct when being hit with a bunch of negatives all the time!  That's where I need to build up my strength.

[Chosen]

I asked him so many times what his opinion was and he didn't have one.

YESSSSSSSSSSSS!  Thank you, Cloudy.  Not that I'd wish this on anyone, but it's nice to hear I'm not alone.

Sometimes I wonder where we'd be if I didn't make any decisions.  He says he likes to just "let the world decide" by sitting back and seeing what happens.  I agree there may be a time and place for that, but if we did it all the time, we would just be floating around and going nowhere.  It's tempting sometimes, though, to just sit back and let him take responsibility for SOMETHING.

Hey daylily & Cloudy Days,

Me three.  H would say I don’t discuss things with him, but really, when I ask him for advise/ opinion/ decisions, he rarely tells me anything specific.  So if you need a definite answer, you will not be getting one!  It’s so annoying sometimes and it’s hard to balance respecting him, asking him stuff and just going ahead and do stuff on my own.