Any insight would be appreciated...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex gf who I assume to have BPD traits ended our relationship and kicked me out at the begining of December. It's been incredibly tough for me... .  Christmas came and went... .  it was the worst day of my life. I really don't know how I made it through. Shortly after Christmas I had realized I had left my Christmas tree (in the box) stored in her crawl space. Now this was my moms Christmas tree which I lost  to cancer when I was 16 (29 now). Christmas is so specially for me in the first place and this tree obviously has a tone of sentimental value. I texted her on the 28th of December saying "I've just realized I've left my moms Christmas tree in your crawl space. When you put your Christmas stuff away would you mind pulling it out and putting it outside one day and I'll swing by and pick it up?" She replied with " I'll drop it off at the front of your apt building when we take all our stuff down". I said ok just let me know when you do. A couple weeks passed, New Years came and went a d I didn't hear anything. After the first weekend of January I sent her another text and simply said "are you going to return my tree?" She said " yes this weekend". I replied with "would you mind just pulling it out tonight sometime and putting it outside or even on the road by your car and I'll swing by and pick it up? I just wanna get this over with and move on" she said " sorry I don't have time till the weekend and a tree shouldn't prevent you from moving on". It would take all of 3-4 minutes for her to grab it and put it outside for me. However I politely replied with " ok just please message me when you drop it off so I can pull it in". That weekend came and went and big surprise she didn't drop it off. Not did she this past weekend. I'm blown away. Keeping my deceased mothers Christmas tree knowing damn well how much it means to me? I mean it doesn't get any lower than that and I can't for the life of me make any sense of her motive at all. I haven't contacted her again about it and I won't. I guess i will have to apologize to my mother in my own way. I can't believe how someone who was so amazing could turn so evil. I guess this is BPD? If you've made it this far please chime in. I have been having a really hard time. I'm actively seeking a therapist and a couple of weeks ago started taking some medication in an attempt to help me climb out of this deep, deep hope I'm in.

On another note. When she initially ended it with me I desperately tried to change her mind as I was so confused. During that time she said several times to stop contacting her. If I didn't she would consider it harassment. Now, she has a feature on her phone that blocks numbers from contacting her via text or call. If she really wanted me to never contact her again why wouldn't she just block my number? I mean obviously she hasn't as I was able to get through to her via text to ask about my Christmas tree. I just don't get it... .  

[Dave44]

My ex gf who I assume to have BPD traits ended our relationship and kicked me out at the begining of December. It's been incredibly tough for me... .  Christmas came and went... .  it was the worst day of my life. I really don't know how I made it through. Shortly after Christmas I had realized I had left my Christmas tree (in the box) stored in her crawl space. Now this was my moms Christmas tree which I lost  to cancer when I was 16 (29 now). Christmas is so specially for me in the first place and this tree obviously has a tone of sentimental value. I texted her on the 28th of December saying "I've just realized I've left my moms Christmas tree in your crawl space. When you put your Christmas stuff away would you mind pulling it out and putting it outside one day and I'll swing by and pick it up?" She replied with " I'll drop it off at the front of your apt building when we take all our stuff down". I said ok just let me know when you do. A couple weeks passed, New Years came and went a d I didn't hear anything. After the first weekend of January I sent her another text and simply said "are you going to return my tree?" She said " yes this weekend". I replied with "would you mind just pulling it out tonight sometime and putting it outside or even on the road by your car and I'll swing by and pick it up? I just wanna get this over with and move on" she said " sorry I don't have time till the weekend and a tree shouldn't prevent you from moving on". It would take all of 3-4 minutes for her to grab it and put it outside for me. However I politely replied with " ok just please message me when you drop it off so I can pull it in". That weekend came and went and big surprise she didn't drop it off. Not did she this past weekend. I'm blown away. Keeping my deceased mothers Christmas tree knowing damn well how much it means to me? I mean it doesn't get any lower than that and I can't for the life of me make any sense of her motive at all. I haven't contacted her again about it and I won't. I guess i will have to apologize to my mother in my own way. I can't believe how someone who was so amazing could turn so evil. I guess this is BPD? If you've made it this far please chime in. I have been having a really hard time. I'm actively seeking a therapist and a couple of weeks ago started taking some medication in an attempt to help me climb out of this deep, deep hope I'm in.

On another note. When she initially ended it with me I desperately tried to change her mind as I was so confused. During that time she said several times to stop contacting her. If I didn't she would consider it harassment. Now, she has a feature on her phone that blocks numbers from contacting her via text or call. If she really wanted me to never contact her again why wouldn't she just block my number? I mean obviously she hasn't as I was able to get through to her via text to ask about my Christmas tree. I just don't get it... .  

[Confusedandhurt]

Hi Dave,

Welcome to the world of BPD!  There is no understanding the disorder nor the behaviors of those who have it.  The more I have learned, the more I learn how much I don't know!  Here are a few things to give some context.  First, pwBPD have no empathy for others.  None.  My had not one iota of empathy for anything I was going through, even after I told her how empty I felt about our r/s.  What this likely means in your case, IMHO, is that she doesn't realize how important the tree is to you nor how you feel about it.  Second, my uBPDexgf was incredibly selfish.  Our whole relationship for 4.5 years was always and only about her.  So, it doesn't surprise me a bit to see that she hasn't followed through on her commitment.  My ex was and is a pathological liar.  She would tell anyone anything as long as it made her look better.  It was really incredible to watch her!  As a matter of fact, she told me that any commitment she made meant that she might do it.  I told her that it was a real reflection of her character, but it fell on deaf ears.

My recommendation is to wait another month or so, and then ask her politely if there would be some way you could come over to get the tree, as it has a lot of sentimental value to you.  Hopefully enough time will have elapsed that she will follow through.

I'm sure you're going through a tough time, and I can relate to how painful Christmas was.  This was my first Christmas without her, and it was miserable.

Take care,

HT

[almost789]

I think i would want that tree back and after exausting all kind measure to get it back if she wont give it to you, get an officer to escort you to her house to get it. And if u saved the texts where she admits its yours thats good, in case she tries to claim its hers.

[j4c]

Hi Dave. It really sucks to hear what you're going through!

Whether your ex is or is not a pwBPD she is clearly trying to stay in control of the situation. She seems to be messing you about just to piss you off! PwBPD thrive on control so her knowing how much the tree means to you will make her act in seemingly heartless ways. Please remember you are probably dealing with someone that may have the body of an adult but also has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old girl. What they say and do can really baffle us nons !

When my exuBPDgf painted me black and left me for dead, she made me feel like i was the most horrible man on the planet! The worst bf she'd ever had! But since our break-up i've noticed shes still got pics of me and her on her facebook photos (and 2 other ex bfs too), and shes still got my phone number saved to her mobile! We've been split for 9 months n she now has a new bf, so why doesnt she delete my number and various pics on fb? It seems to be a common habit with pwBPD to hold on to something that represents an ex that they were close with. Almost like a souvenior!

Take care of yourself and dont forget there are many members on this board that have been in the same boat as you so keep posting and reading!

[Dave44]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for the replys. She obviously knows how much the tree means to me. It has to be the lowest thing she's ever done. I have considered going to the cops but don't want to make a bad situation worse. Keep in mind this isn't a young girl. She's 37 years old with 2 daughters ( from different dads and an abortion from a 3rd). This is someone who convinced me to move in after dating for 2 months (I have to take responsibility for that poor choice too but I was a absolutely completely swept up by this woman. I truly felt I had met my "soulmate" and was the happiest man alive) only to kick me out 24 days later over a minor argument over finances. This was after I sold, gave away or threw out everything I has accepts TV, books and book shelf some home decor and of course my clothes. I was forced to take a hotel for a week at the end of November till I could find a place. I left with absolutely nothing and she didn't care or show any empathy one single bit. I was, and still am completely shocked. How could someone who professed SO much love and care for me turn so quickly into someone I didn't even know? Never in my life have I been treated and cared for so nicely by anyone... .  and then bam... .  she pulls the plug. To give you an idea of how drastic this change was. On Saturday the 24th of November I sent her a text from work telling her how excited I was for Christmas and how it was finally sinking in that I would for the first time in a very long time not be spending Christmas alone and be spending it with a loving family. It was going to mean the world to me. Her reply and I quote was, " Dave, not only are you spending this Christmas with a loving family, you've become a part of this loving family. My girls love my boyfriend so much they want you as their father. And I've found... .  finally... .  the one and only for me. Nothing will ever be the same as life as you knew it. We are a unit and together forever we'll enjoy every part of this life. This Christmas is so special for us too. To finaly find our guy and have him for our first Christmas together!". Like I said that was Saturday the 24th. That following Monday I was in the hotel... .  

It's been devastating and I honestly don't know how I've made it this far. We honest never even really "fought". Sure we had disagreements but never anything to dictate such actions. I'm still taking it hour by hour.i

[Newton]

Dave44... .  I'm really glad you've decided to reach out to this community... .  If you stick with us I guarantee you will find a very friendly bunch of understanding people... .  folks who have walked in your shoes and experienced near identical situations to yours... .  

The way you were rejected sounds pretty brutal... .  unfortunately the norm for us here at bpdfamily.com 

If you are taking things hour to hour then that is a good strategy that is working right now... .  

Remember, there are people here online almost 24/7 due to differing timezones... .  this is a global community 

Whats your immediate support network like?... .  do you have friends and family who are there for you?... .  

[almost789]

That sounds really cruel. Why did she break things off? About her not blocking you, thats interesting. Ive heard that from others. Mine didnt block me either. I think they get some kind of enjoyment from our pain and like to have us contact them for their ego. Kind of narcissistic. Im really sorry, most of us here have been where you are. It gets better, i suggest a book for you. The journey from abandonment to healing. There is a review of it on this site.

[TheRealSully]

Welcome to the board and welcome to BPD.  Your story is *exactly* the same as mine, the same as the next person, etc... .  

These BPD significant others all behave that exact same way.

They literally torture you over things that mean a lot to you when they have you painted black.  Mine did the same things.  We were married 10 years, together for 12, until December 14th. 

Mine also went from "I love you, want to go on a walk with you, etc... .  " to "we are getting a divorce in less than 24 hours."  It is *very* hard to comprehend this change.  But... .  the person you once knew is gone.  They change completely when this happens and they are very, very broken people.  She will continue to torture you over that tree. 

The last communication I got from mine was, "Our divorce papers FINALLY came in.  It's OFFICIAL!  "  Nice, huh?  Rub a little salt in the wound.  That's what they do.  Prior to that, she lied to me and said we had a future if I would give her a divorce and some money.  I was in the "trying to keep her stage" and did both.  She also drained our joint checking account out.  Evil is hardly a strong enough word.

But get used to this... .  or get away from her.  You might as well part with the tree, despite the sentimental value.  Your mother is alive in your mind.  The tree is a material object, which, although it reminds you of your mother, is not the memory of your mother.  The memory of your mother is inside you. 

Best of luck.  Read through all these posts... .  you will be shocked how many people have the same story you have.  You will find things you thought were unique to your own girlfriend, but that all BPDs share.  It's truly incredible to read this stuff.

[Zeke]

During the 1st year of my 18 year marriage to my BPDx, we travelled to Memphis and saw Levon Helm of The Band play in a little club on Beale St. I was a huge fan of his. The club had a person walking around with a Polaroid camera taking pictures. He took one of me, my ex, and Levon. It turned out great and Levon autographed it. I couldn't wait to get home and put it on the fireplace mantle. At a stop for gas on the way home, I looked for it and couldn't find it. My ex said "whoops" I think I put it in that bag of clothes I bought at the mall, and I must have accidentally thrown it away when I was packing my bags for the drive home.   I tried to hide my devastation and said that's ok honey don't worry about it. She ended up turning things around on me, and by the time we arrived home I was an a$$hole for not being more understanding about her losing the picture.

A few years later we are in Jamaica with the kids. I'd bought a cool digital camera for the trip. We had obtained some priceless photos of the kids. I mean just priceless, once in a lifetime beautiful photo's. Well you can guess what happened next. Yes, she loses the camera. We frantically try to retrace her steps, etc... .  and her final story was that she took it into the ladies room and she must've sat it on the counter or something but by the time we got back there someone must have stolen it.

Those are just a couple of stories. I could go on and on. Each one seems innocent enough at first blush. I mean accidents happen, right? But over time, you get to a point that you can almost predict the next disaster (BPD's are very predictable actually), and then the disaster happens. You think how could someone be so cruel? It got to the point that I realized she would sabotage anything that she knew brought me happiness.

So I feel your pain Dave44. Good news is that life gets a whole lot better once you get out. Ive been divorced for 2 years now and am doing much better. You will get to a better place too. Hang in there.

[Lady31]

There is another angle here to consider.  It could be that at this point in time, she is too "caught up" in whatever else she has going on right now and it is out of sight/out of mind & not a priority for her.  She may not have a problem returning the tree.  It may just have to be when she isn't engrossed in something else.

All the comments others made about keeping it for a future connection or control are very common though.  Just saying - could be this also.

[Lady31]

On another note:  I also think you should get an officer to escort you over there if it comes to that.  (I would give it a little longer and try to contact her again before doing this.)  This woman was only in your life for a fleeting moment.  You don't want to regret not having the tree because of her.

[AllyCat7]

I had a BPD friend (one of my best friends) do this to me after I dumped her over a year ago (she continually disrespected me and I had had enough). I left my cell phone charger at her apartment. She lives 1.5 hours away, so I told her to please send it in the mail. She kept putting it off, sending me emails about why she didn't have a chance to that week, etc. I was thinking to myself "It's not that hard to stick it in an envelope and drop it in the mail." I thought it was quite odd that she was making it seem so big a deal. I asked for it a couple more times via email. She kept replying that she would do it soon, and also was trying to make conversation. I told her I can't be friends with her at the moment and to just forget it. We haven't had contact since.

I thought it was odd, but had a feeling she was "holding it hostage" to use it to communicate with me. I believe your exgf is doing the same thing. If we remember their main motivation for almost everything is to avoid abandonment. So when they feel that we are going to COMPLETELY abandon them (even if it's them who ended things), I think they freak out and try to retain that connection somehow. I don't think they do this stuff out of malice, honestly. They are operating in survival mode 100% of the time. So we have to view their actions through this perspective. Once you do that, you will see that she is doing it to prevent you from being completely out of her life (especially as you have implied that that was the only thing holding you back from completely moving on). She probably wants it as an excuse for you guys to be in touch. Even if you are painted black, she may want to contact you again about it if she changes her mind.

I'm afraid she won't give it back on her own. You may have to get others involved or get authorities involved. Or maybe you can play some psychological games. Tell her that you don't want to cut her out of your life. You will still be available if she ever needs to contact you, but to please return the tree in the meantime. Then after she returns the tree (assuming she does), you can decide if you want to really be available to her or not. If not, then you can block her at this point. Kind of mean, but it may work. Good luck!

[Clearmind]

Dave, your ex is very accustomed to chaos, drama, splitting and dissociating to cope. Her coping skills are more than poor. You could spend a lot of time trying to figure out why she does the things she does.

Do you have any kids in your life around the age of 3? Observe them carefully and how they interact with other children and adults especially when they don't get what they want --- this is what you are dealing with.

I am sorry about your Xmas tree - I can only imagine how this must hurt - unfortunately my friend you may or may not get your tree back. Is a 3 year old likely to give you back a toy she really wants? She doesn't get sentiment, she has zero empathy for herself or you for that matter!

What is there to get you may ask! Not a great deal - she lives a life full of self loathing - you may or may not signify her primary care giver, her past abuser! Move away and don't look back.

Hugs to you

[j4c]

I can relate to the brutal way it ended Dave - on the saturday shes telling you you're gonna be this one big happy family for eternity... .  and then by monday you're single n staying in a hotel!

Most on this board have experienced this with their pwBPD! For me it was the most devastating time of my life! The hurt, the confusion, the shock-factor. To be abruptly cut out of someones life when you are so deeply in love with them is something NO-ONE should ever have to go through! It took me 6 months NC to snap out of the bubble of heart-break she left me inside of!

But why do they do it? What triggers them into abandoning the people they claimed to 'adore' only the day before? In my experience everytime me n my ex sat down n spoke about how much with were in love & how we were gonna be together forever or we'd been away for a romantic weekend, her birthday, valentine etc. These periods in the r/s were ALWAYS followed up with her RAGING at me over the most ridiculous of issues! I was a fully paid member of confused dot com 

They cannot handle the intimacy & closeness that a healthy love story requires. It simply freaks them out! They are plagued by an inner turmoil that is triggered when they become vulnerable or 'too-close' to their significant others. It is therefore easier for them to run away as appose to staying and facing their demons!

We cannot win. The disorder always wins.

[TheRealSully]

During the 1st year of my 18 year marriage to my BPDx, we travelled to Memphis and saw Levon Helm of The Band play in a little club on Beale St. I was a huge fan of his. The club had a person walking around with a Polaroid camera taking pictures. He took one of me, my ex, and Levon. It turned out great and Levon autographed it. I couldn't wait to get home and put it on the fireplace mantle. At a stop for gas on the way home, I looked for it and couldn't find it. My ex said "whoops" I think I put it in that bag of clothes I bought at the mall, and I must have accidentally thrown it away when I was packing my bags for the drive home.   I tried to hide my devastation and said that's ok honey don't worry about it. She ended up turning things around on me, and by the time we arrived home I was an a$$hole for not being more understanding about her losing the picture.

Eerie similarities!  Mine did the same thing with a log book from my college sailboat.  I'd have all my friends out on my small, $2000 boat in college.  4 years of great memories.  Everyone commented on their time on the boat, wrote little poems and stories, left a little piece of their personality in that book.  It was up in the cockpit of a new boat one day and she "loses" it overboard. 

Over the years, she systematically eliminated all of my friends and half of my family as well. 

[asher2]

Hi Dave... .  welcome to the boards!

As others have said, welcome to the world of BPD. And, as others have also pointed out, this is very common among those with BPD. They have a hard time of letting go as it strikes to the root of their abandoment fears. Even if they say that they "hate you" and you have been painted black, I still believe they don't want to entirely let you go and somewhere in their mind you are still there, just on the backburner.

While we were together, my ex still wore a ring that she received from a prior relationship. Supposedly, she was supposed to get married to this guy. I asked her why she wore the ring and she told me "I just really like the ring. But it means nothing to me." I used to take her word for it (even though deep down it kind of bothered me) and now, with time and NC, I see it totally differently. I think she was still trying to stay connected to this guy even though outwardly, he was painted as black as they come. With me, when we broke up, she woudln't come to get her stuff and wouldn't give my key back to my place. I had to take her stuff and drop it off on her doorstep and have my locks changed. The last time we spoke (after I had dropped her stuff off), I asked her why she hadn't come to get her stuff. She tearfully said, "I just don't want to let you go."

My honest advice, as hard as is may be, is to let the tree go and just stay away from her. Move toward healing by going NC. One of the biggest reasons I wanted my ex's stuff out of my place was because I felt like she still had power over me. I still had to come home every day and see her stuff there even though we wern't together. If you can, let the tree go and refuse to give her power. You always have your mom in your heart and that is something she can never take away.

And by the way, it is absoultely awful she is doing this. It's a perfect and cruel example of the selfish behavor that comes with BPD.

[bpdspell]

Hey Dave44,

You've gotten some good advice on here. I read your story and it is very painful to be abandoned and discarded in this way. As for the tree; try surrendering. If you keep asking about the tree she will continue to use it as a dangling "carrot" to keep you attached to her in her own sick mind. My ex dumped me over a silly argument to set up his new replacement. The entire time there were personal belongings of mine that "disappeared". Turns out the ex took things that he knew I'd want back to keep the emotional strings of the relationship going. It's all very sick, desperate, and twisted push/pull behavior on their part.

So what can you do now? Read about BPD but focus on you. The more you read about this disorder the more you'll understand that your ex was never experiencing the relationship the same as you:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

It's devastatingly crushing to find out that we've been in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill. They seem so normal on the outside only to find out that they're emotional car wrecks. They are very toxic, broken and empty on the inside. Her behavior isn't about you.

Spell

[Dave44]

Than you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. It's so nice to know I'm not alone on this journey and that other people have experienced very similar circumstances.

For a while I began to wonder if she even had BPD. I started to wonder if things were possibly my fault? After all she doesn't display the extreme rage I so often hear about. I only really ever saw that twice - one of the times when I questioned her on her 3 unplanned pregnancies with 3 different men. Mind you we were only together for 4 (insanely intense) months so maybe there wasn't enough time for it to come out? Nor did she ever pull any of the B.S games I hear after intimate moments or activities. Matter of fact she loved all that fairy tale talk and being close sort of stuff. There was never any "pulling away" after those moments or talks. It seemed to be all she ever did talk about really.  If anything the way she conducted herself was the compete opposite of the"rage" I read about. Whenever there was any disagreement, difference of opinion on a topic or any time reality crept its way into the relationship resulting in the need for communication she would have and extremely difficult time seeing anything from my point of view. If it was a disagreement she would often just completely shut down. It would be like trying to talk to a brick wall quite often completely disconnecting and giving me the silent treatment for a day or so. If I ever  became emotional she would  be cold as ICE... .  almost as if the lights were on but no one was home. In the whole time we were together I never once saw her cry... .  ever. I always chalked this behaviour up to her being an incredibly strong woman... .  knowing what I know now, it was probably BPD right?

For the people that commented saying keeping things is common for them to use as a tool to re-engage contact. I have a very hard time with that idea. This woman has made it SO clear that she wants nothing to do with me what so ever. I went NC at the beginning of December but when Christmas Eve came I was in a very weak spot and texted her hoping with it being the day before Christmas she might be in a better frame of mind... .  boy  was I wrong.  She replied with things like, "guess it wasn't what I thought it was", "must not have been true love. Sorry, hope you move on", "never contact me again. I want nothing to do with you. Now move on!", " stop contacting me, if you don't I will consider it harassment". All on Christmas Eve knowing I was completely alone in my apt with the few possessions I hadn't gotten rid off when I moved in with her. I still struggle with the memories of that. Like I said, I can not begin to fathom how someone who was so incredibly loving so much so to the point of repeatedly talking about marriage up until 2 days before I left could become so down right evil with absolutely no remorse what so ever? So you can see how I hardly doubt she's keeping the tree in order to be able to contact me in the future. She's cut me out of her life in every way shape and form... .  blocked me on facebook etc etc. I'll never hear from her again, I was tossed away as if I never even existed in her and her kids lives to begin with.

I miss the kids terribly (5&8). I really connected with them and took them in as my own. I feel very sorry for them. I often wonder what they must think? One day they go to school and I'm there, they come home and I'm gone never to be seen again. I wish I could have at least said goodbye. I'm sure they've been through this before though. Probably explained why 2 weeks into dating their mom the oldest daughter was telling her friends at school she was going to have a new dad... .  yikes. Looking back now there was so many red flags. Particularly the fact she told me in the past 9 years she'd never had a relationship last longer than 3 months. Of course it was always that the guys were "losers". I suppose I'm now one of those "losers" too.

I'm still struggling daily with trying to come to terms with how someone could change from one extreme to another so quickly. Even the best relationships take work and communication. From the minute I left she has refused to see me or even talk to me on the phone. She only ever spoke via text. Matter of fact, she ended it with me via a text! All to the guy she's "never felt like his before" too. I sure hope I can put her behind me one day. It seems like this will haunt me for the rest of my life. She was and still is the most attractive women I've ever seen. Once again thanks to everybody for taking the time to post. Please do continue as its very reassuring to hear all be great insight. This is a great site.

[Wimowe]

With me, when we broke up, she woudln't come to get her stuff and wouldn't give my key back to my place. I had to take her stuff and drop it off on her doorstep and have my locks changed.

Pretty similar to my experience wrt to the belongings she left at my house. She replied a week later with an impersonal thank you text.  Since I'm trying to minimize contact, I'm not planning on asking her to return her copy of the key to my house.

[HostNoMore]

Hi Dave44 and welcome to our little spot on the internet.  Everyone here helped pull me through my BPD experience so you've really come to the right place.

Yes, from my reading and personal experience it's very common for an exBPD to not return property.  It's especially a shame that she kept something with that much sentimental value to you.  I lost my father at a young age and still treasure his personal items in my possession.

I know that in my experiences from breaking up with non borderline women the ritual of returning property is not very pleasant.  I think that given the nature of a BPD's inner turmoils and as an earlier poster iterated as being child like the stresses associated with returning things really triggers them badly.  They are also so selfish and bizarre that just having her knowing of the value of the tree to you may drive her to keep it.

I've recovered from my experience but not getting my property back still grinds me a little, and it had no sentimental value to me just the principle.  I recently chucked the few trinkets I had of my exBPDgf's into the garbage.  I feel so much cleaner now after doing it. I made numerous attempts to return her property too all of which she refused or just would start raging at me so I just gave up on it.

Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is fairly common behavior from borderlines.

[struggli]

Just to throw my little bit in... .  

My ex admitted one time (after a couple recycles) that she keeps things of mine to have a reason to meet with me.  One time it was a pair of jeans that I used for working on house projects -- cheap jeans with paints, stains, holes, etc.  I didn't care about the jeans at all, but she brought them to me, acted very loving, held my hand as we went for a walk, seemed very present and interested in me.  I was drawn in again.  Then her (ex)bf called (she alternated between relationships with us 2 or 3 times) and she abruptly left.

This last time I asked for my things back and she said she would leave them outside her workplace.  I asked for a specific time as I wasn't going to sit outside her work all day and wait for a box of stuff to appear, and she cut off contact.  That was about 5 months ago.  Either she left my stuff outside to be stolen or never bothered to gather it.

Also, as a previous poster mentioned he had to do, I had to take her stuff to her.  She would NOT pick it up despite saying over and over again she would.  A month or more went by with multiple reminders.  I was tempted to throw it away but figured that would just create more drama.  Plus, there were several books I had bought her about recovering from childhood trauma -- books I bought while in the relationship.  One of the books she read one paragraph of it and threw it across the room.  The Borderline Mother was in there.  Hopefully she'll read that one sometime.

Things of hers I have found since I have either thrown away or sold to try to recover all the money I lost in the relationship.

[Wooddragon]

Hi dave  

My experience has been that even tho they totally cut you off - they can just as easily turn around after weeks or months of total silence - almost as tho none of that happened - often with a view to recycling the relationship. You are fortunate to be on here so you can at least prepare for that possibility.

I believe that they are driven to malice by a combination of fear, sadism and general total lack of care. I cant believe that none of it is calculated.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your experience over Xmas. Like others have said, I can totally relate to the devastation and confusion in being discarded with no warning

[Dave44]

Very interesting stuff to read. I find it so bizarre to read that in some cases it's as if they keep these personal items as souvenirs. I could maybe understand that (to some degree) if the items were trivial things. However, for something that OBVIOISLY means as much as this does I simply can not wrap my head around. I'm still undecided on what I should do. I have t messaged her for almost 3 weeks regarding it and I likely won't for a while. At least until the emotions aren't so raw.

I find it odd how like I previously mentioned that since I left she refused to ever see me or speak to me on the phone. Communication was strictly done through text. Does this relate back to dealing with the child they are? Their inability to communicate in a normal manor face to face or at the very least on the phone?

I'd also like to add that many many times during the relationship she would say, "if me and you don't work out I will never ever date again, I just couldn't". Reading all the other stories from people that have mentioned how incredibly fast their ex moved on I'm assuming I should probably excpect the same shouldn't I?

[lessonslearned]

If you focus on you right now, and what led you into this r/s, and really disengage, and risk never seeing the tree again, you will have clarity enough later to raise the issue (if you so choose) in a way that won't have the same impact on either of you.

It's a tree - you are attaching value to it. She knows that, and survives on control. All this does is keep you tangled, and cheapens the spirit of the tree you're pining for (pun intended).

Let it go - as long as she doesn't destroy it (which is unlikely), in 6 months or a year out of this you will have a VERY different approach to her (and vice versa), and there may be options you don't or can't even see from where you are right now the eye of the hurricane.

It gets easier and clearer - we promise.

[TheRealSully]

I had the same lines. Mine said our ashes would be mixed together when we died, that she would become a nun if I was gone, etc... .  

Asked her about these during the instant break off of 12 pretty happy years and got silence... .    No answer.

V ery interesting stuff to read. I find it so bizarre to read that in some cases it's as if they keep these personal items as souvenirs. I could maybe understand that (to some degree) if the items were trivial things. However, for something that OBVIOISLY means as much as this does I simply can not wrap my head around. I'm still undecided on what I should do. I have t messaged her for almost 3 weeks regarding it and I likely won't for a while. At least until the emotions aren't so raw.

I find it odd how like I previously mentioned that since I left she refused to ever see me or speak to me on the phone. Communication was strictly done through text. Does this relate back to dealing with the child they are? Their inability to communicate in a normal manor face to face or at the very least on the phone?

I'd also like to add that many many times during the relationship she would say, "if me and you don't work out I will never ever date again, I just couldn't". Reading all the other stories from people that have mentioned how incredibly fast their ex moved on I'm assuming I should probably excpect the same shouldn't I?

[almost789]

Hi Dave, I've been following your post and we can all empathize with your confusion and pain. Your person seems especially mean to be dumping you after professing such deep love for you and promises to be together as a family during Christmas time, then to dump you just weeks before Christmas trully seems cruel and calculated. Keeping the tree is just another layer on the cruelty. I understand the tree is more than just a tree. It is your mothers Christmas tree. Your mother who you lost to cancer at the age of 16. I'm not one to hold on to "things" but in this case with the tree holding such sentiment for you, if it was me, I would not want to give her that power to keep that tree. Its bad enough she had to dump you just before Christmas, knowing it is such a special time for you, but to keep that tree she thinks she has some kind of power over you by holding on to it. I wouldn't give her that power. If the tree holds that much sentimental value, you will probably hang onto resentment for years for her having that tree, basically stealing it from you. YOu will be reminded each Christmas of her horrible cut off and then also will be reminded that she has your mothers tree! I would get that back from her. She has no rights to it. And you would have every right to have your stuff back.

And I want to recommend again a book for you. You have experienced an abandonment, by her and with the loss of your Mother. These abandonment wounds only accumulate over years, making each successive one more difficult to overcome emotionally. The book helps you process this and heal. The book is called "ther journey from abandonment to healing" I wish I had this book in the begining of my confusion and pain, perhaps I would have been in alot less pain for alot less time.

[Whitefang]

Yep she knows the sentimental value of that tree to ya.  Same reason shes not making a point to give it back.  My BPDex made a point to burn my stuff that belonged to dead relatives and friends first.  No remorse.  She plain didnt care.  No boundaries, no line that wont be crossed, nothing respected or sacred. 

I hope your ex has a moment of sanity to return it, but itll prob never be at your suggestion.  There are likely more "reasons" shes keeping it like a trophy.  Many do this to combat object consistency and hold a sense of "power" just knowing you want it. 

Most of us here can relate to your experiences w/ a BPD  ex.  Were all in various stages of recovery so alot of wisdom here and in the reading on site. 

[Diana82]

She's not going to give you that tree back.

Your story is SO similar to mine. My exgf dumped me after an argument and told me to leave her alone. I was so stressed i kept calling her to apologise and reconcile... and she ended up changing her number!

It was devastating.

I then had to try to get my stuff  back that I left at her place. Plus I had her stuff.

I sent a polite email asking if she could pls return my things and advise what I should do with her stuff. And nothing.

Weeks roll by and no response. I had to email her again and one morning I found 3 books of mine dumped on my sidewalk. No note. No word about what I should do with her stuff either!

It was so cold.

But she hadnt even returned the rest of my stuff! I was missing a ring my mum gave me, watch, clothes... .  

So I had to email her again. But still - silence.

1.5 months rolled by and nothing...

I then emailed her at work and she still ignored me!

Her flatmate called me to angrily tell me she "apparently doesn't have my stuff" and that she wants me OUT OF HER LIFE. And he told me my behaviour was apparently "unacceptable"!

wth! Asking for my stuff back was unacceptable?

I haven't bothered to try to find out what happened to it. After that crazy call and her silence it's just not worth it!

BUT in your case I think you should consider it theft if she deliberately withholds the tree.

You may want to consider talking to the police about your options

[Whitefang]

Oh i also suggest if you keep letting her know the heartfelt, honest meaning the tree has for you, the less likely you are to ever see it again.  I know its backassward, but its how they roll.

Her comment already abt how a tree shouldnt be holding you back from moving on   is telling on how little shes viewing your feelings.  

Sooner the better.  Let us know if you get it.

[almost789]

Yeah, try not to let her know how much the tree means to you. Hard to do when your trying to get it back. If you want to get it back, here's what I'd do. I'd talk to the police, explain your situation, find out your options. I've seen this in other domestic issue where the police simply escort you to get your stuff. Do not tell her your getting the police. Do not forwarn her. Send her a message about the tree again and word it so that she gives you the answer you want. That she has your tree. Save that text reply from her. Get the cop to take you to her house un announced at a time you know she is home and simply ask for the tree in the presence of the cop. If she's like my pwBPD, she will be mortified and will get the tree, give it back and make it out like she wasn't holding the tree and make some excuse for why she couldn't get it back to you. Probably will blame it on you! If she cares about her reputation, like you say she does. She's not going to put up a stink with the police department. Especially when you have proof it is yours and directly from her cell phone text message.

However, if your not up for this or if you find she has destroyed the tree. You will have to let it go. Let go of all the sentiment. Things can always be stolen and destroyed and if there is nothing you can do about it you have to let it go. Memories of your Mother she can never take.