ExBPD pregnant with latest victim. What to expect?

[hell0kitty]

It just occurred to me that there may be patterns here too as with the parenting issues. My bf shares a 6 yr old with exBPD (almost 7) she got pregnant by "accident" after 3 months of dating.  He has been going through court hell for the last two years. He and I just had a baby which she freaked about. She's been dating a new guy for approx 4 months and just announced she is 11 weeks pregnant. We have mediatin in a few weeks and then court later in th year.  Will her new status help or hurt? Now that she has a new focus, might she lighten up in mediation? Anyone been in this scenario? Right now my bf is blackest black and she doesn't want him to have anything. Will pregnancy and new bf help or make it worse?

[DreamGirl]

It's a life changing event.

It sounds like she doesn't deal with change very well - like so many of us. It's the paradox of a pwBPD, they struggle in chaos but are adamant that they exist in it.

There isn't a cookie cutter reaction specific to this I don't think. My husband's ex-wife got remarried and got pregnant right away - she was devastated when she lost it soon after. I was really worried about her at that time actually. I also think it was the beginning of the end of her marriage.

I'd like to think it's not always about how she is with us. I can't live my life worrying about her life changes (jobs, boyfriends, husbands, friends, favorite football teams, etc.) and how they will ultimately affect our household. That'd be pretty exhausting and pretty daily. 

How's the kiddo feel about it? Excited? How are you going to prepare him for it? How's he doing with your little one?

[hell0kitty]

I guess something our attorney said gave me hope.  He said "If she has a new BF to refocus her energy on, maybe she will leave you alone to be a parent" She dedicated most of the last two years of her life to making sure he got the bare minimum of parenting time and she fought him at every turn. 

I did search the boards to see if I could find posts about this particular scenario, but didn't find anything.  I'm hoping maybe since she has a new focus, maybe she will be reasonable in mediation.  Maybe he won't be so black.  My fear is, she is hoping to rid herself of him all together, replace BFs child's daddy with her new BF and run off overseas with him (He is from London)

Kiddo is doing great with the new baby, I think that is part of my mom was so desperate to have a baby.  She got the BF right after our baby was born 4 months ago. First BF she has had in 7 years.  She got pregnant shortly after.  Given her STD status, it was likely another "accidental condom break". She has to go to pretty great lengths to get pregnant.  She is also 42, so it is high risk. 

Kiddo is excited.  I am worried she told so soon since it is so high risk.  The let down would be really hard on everyone.

[tog]

My SO's uN/BPDstbxw has also spent the last two years trying to take SS away from my SO. When we got music equipment in the basement, she bought him a karaoke machine to use at her place. After SO bought a boat to use for fishing, she set up a chartered fishing trip.  We got a dog in September, she went and got a puppy (admittedly cuter than our pound mutt!) in November.

For her, I'm pretty sure it's about fear that this "stuff" is going to make SS want to be with us instead of her. She has been pretty consistent in offering lots of gifts and rewards and trips and stuff to try to make her home more appealing than ours. Luckily, SS is not a greedy child and for him, the relationships seem just as important if not more.

My guess is she's afraid your SD will want to be with her new brother/sister and she'd better have one of her own. I doubt she's planned to run away with BF (not that that might not happen if it occurs to her)! In fact, I'd bet the relationship won't last and she will be an even MORE stressed out single parent with an infant and a 6-year-old, thereby maybe inadvertently doing what she was trying to guard against... .  making your home more appealing.

Despite all SO's stbxw has bought, etc, SS still wants half his time with us. I'd focus on your SD and how to help her with all the change.

Can I say, though, I feel sorry for the new baby and the poor British guy who will now have an international custody fight on his hands.  :'(

[DreamGirl]

I guess something our attorney said gave me hope.  He said "If she has a new BF to refocus her energy on, maybe she will leave you alone to be a parent" She dedicated most of the last two years of her life to making sure he got the bare minimum of parenting time and she fought him at every turn.  

I did search the boards to see if I could find posts about this particular scenario, but didn't find anything.  I'm hoping maybe since she has a new focus, maybe she will be reasonable in mediation.  Maybe he won't be so black.  My fear is, she is hoping to rid herself of him all together, replace BFs child's daddy with her new BF and run off overseas with him (He is from London)

Kiddo is doing great with the new baby, I think that is part of my mom was so desperate to have a baby.  She got the BF right after our baby was born 4 months ago. First BF she has had in 7 years.  She got pregnant shortly after.  Given her STD status, it was likely another "accidental condom break". She has to go to pretty great lengths to get pregnant.  She is also 42, so it is high risk.  

Kiddo is excited.  I am worried she told so soon since it is so high risk.  The let down would be really hard on everyone.

You sure are a worrier.

I am too.  

It's hard not being abundantly aware to what is going on in the life of the disordered mama of my stepchildren.  It's conducive of most pwBPD, she is constantly bringing drama into her own life and then doesn't have the skill set to handle it very well.

I remember the feelings I had whenever there was a new boyfriend, or a new job, or a big deal event (cancer scare), or a failed friendship - it brought on both a combination of hope... .  and pure dread. Hoping that this would be the time that she can be less focused on my household - and dreading that it could actually be worse.

While I think it's important to see patterns of behavior (i.e for us, new boyfriends = headaches), it's learning not to be "attached" to what she's doing. No hope, no dread.

You have no control or any of these events. You only can control how you respond and how you react - and staying grounded amongst the chaos. If you are dominated by fear (and frustration), you become part of the chaos. I hate being a part of the chaos, so I do my best to detach from it.

It's fine that she's pregnant and I don't think it's part of a grand master plan. She's too impulsive for such things.

She's having a baby. It is what it is. I wouldn't waste a whole of time worrying why (or how) she accomplished it. Focus on your own beautiful, little baybee and for me, I'd send her love and light. It helps me when I'm particularily dumbfounded by something she's done... .  it must be hard being 42 years old and living her life the way she is.

~DreamGirl  

[SayWha?]

SS loves my dog. BM went and got a dog that promptly went back to the pound because she couldn't take it.

SS saw my tattoo and thought it was cool. BM went and got SS's name tattooed down her arm. It's a long name.

We took SS to a super fun boy geared activity, suddenly BM has all these coupons to take SS to the same activity (she has never followed through though.)

DH and I got engaged, BM got pregnant (No idea who the baby daddy is. There never was and still isn't a boyfriend.) SS doesn't talk about his new sibling to us. All he says is he doesn't want us to have a baby because babies cry all the time. It brought complete and total chaos into SS's life and we dealt with severe behavior problems at his school.

Baby Daddy does apparently see the baby but there is another "friend" coming over for dinner now so who knows. I try to ignore it and help SS when he comes to me with his thoughts and feelings.

[hell0kitty]

SayWha?- Wow! They really do have certain patterns, don't they?

The tattoo thing stuck out to me, because we had a similar thing happen.  I have my kid's name and birthday in a tattoo.  BFs kiddo kept asking me about it, less than 4 weeks later, BPDex got a new tattoo of kiddo on her arm. 

Same with the activity thing.  We brought kiddo to a waterpark last year.  Suddenly BPDex was taking kiddo to the water park, but then it didn't happen.  According to kiddo it was "Because mommy doesn't have lots of money like you and daddy do."

She met the guy she is now pregnant with when our son was a newborn, he is only 4 months old.  Basically, her reaction to our baby was to get one of her own.  The poor guy is completely freaking out from what I've been told.  He has no idea what he just got himself into.