'No Show' - Typical of pwBPD? - Should I leave the dance?

[Zack]

A brief resume of my relationship.

I met my partner online during October 2009. I was bowled over, infatuated, I'd met my dream girl, or so I thought. During our 2 years together she would often do things that were unusual, to many to mention but having discovered the existence of BPD a lot of these unusual habits fall into place. She has always said she suffers from a mental disorder but has never mentioned BPD, only severe bouts of depression.

During our time together we would spend a lovely day together doing everything couples do. She would promise me the earth and make me feel like a million dollars but the following day she would text to say 'no more, leave me alone'. I had no idea what I had done wrong. This continued throughout our relationship but I would always be the one to make contact and fix the 'problem' until the next occasion.

We finally split in October 2011, her choice, no apparent reason, no explanation. I was angry and how ever much it hurt committed I to NC for 2 months. During February 2012 I bumped into her teenage son who tore a strip off me, called me all the names under the sun and said that I'd really hurt his mum... .  I was taken aback and shocked. I contacted his mum, my ex, to see if she was okay, she was. Explained that he was upset because he saw her cry. I've realised through reading the posts on this site that I was probably painted black.

She met another guy 2 months after we split, but explains that he is just a friend (I'm probably a fool for thinking that but she is so convincing). We have been seeing each other, doing all the things couples do for the past 8 months but she cancels meeting me so often, just like old times. At Christmas she spent the day with me, met up with my family again and explained that she had treated me cruelly for the past year but wanted to start a fresh with me, build a life, make plans. The following day she text me to say 'leave me alone'. I should have known... .  I'm a fool. I've had NC with her since Christmas but over the weekend she called me a dozen times. I relented and answered her calls fearing she was unwell or was in trouble. We talked, she explained that she had made a big mistake and that she wanted me in her life and that she would cut all ties with her male 'friend' and would explain to her son that I am actually a nice guy.

What do I do? My head says run and don't look back, we've been here so many times before but my heart says give it another go. So, do people suffering with BPD pick you up and drop you just as quick, is this the recycling I've read? what happens for them to change their minds? It's cruel in the extreme... .  but as we all know it's hard to run away... .  to apply logic. Do they no it's wrong? I guess not. Why would she want to contact me if she is happy with a new guy in her life?  

2 months during our time of NC I got a text from a number I did not recognise. It sparked a text conversation which lasted for 3 weeks. I did think it might be my ex and tried calling the number but without success. The stories she was texting were so far removed from the life my ex lives. I found out several months later that it was my ex pretending to be someone else. Why would she do that? to check up on me? to stay in touch? I really should run... .  shouldn't I?    

[HarmKrakow]

A brief resume of my relationship.

I met my partner online during October 2009. I was bowled over, infatuated, I'd met my dream girl, or so I thought. During our 2 years together she would often do things that were unusual, to many to mention but having discovered the existence of BPD a lot of these unusual habits fall into place. She has always said she suffers from a mental disorder but has never mentioned BPD, only severe bouts of depression.

During our time together we would spend a lovely day together doing everything couples do. She would promise me the earth and make me feel like a million dollars but the following day she would text to say 'no more, leave me alone'. I had no idea what I had done wrong. This continued throughout our relationship but I would always be the one to make contact and fix the 'problem' until the next occasion.

We finally split in October 2011, her choice, no apparent reason, no explanation. I was angry and how ever much it hurt committed I to NC for 2 months. During February 2012 I bumped into her teenage son who tore a strip off me, called me all the names under the sun and said that I'd really hurt his mum... .  I was taken aback and shocked. I contacted his mum, my ex, to see if she was okay, she was. Explained that he was upset because he saw her cry. I've realised through reading the posts on this site that I was probably painted black.

She met another guy 2 months after we split, but explains that he is just a friend (I'm probably a fool for thinking that but she is so convincing). We have been seeing each other, doing all the things couples do for the past 8 months but she cancels meeting me so often, just like old times. At Christmas she spent the day with me, met up with my family again and explained that she had treated me cruelly for the past year but wanted to start a fresh with me, build a life, make plans. The following day she text me to say 'leave me alone'. I should have known... .  I'm a fool. I've had NC with her since Christmas but over the weekend she called me a dozen times. I relented and answered her calls fearing she was unwell or was in trouble. We talked, she explained that she had made a big mistake and that she wanted me in her life and that she would cut all ties with her male 'friend' and would explain to her son that I am actually a nice guy.

What do I do? My head says run and don't look back, we've been here so many times before but my heart says give it another go. So, do people suffering with BPD pick you up and drop you just as quick, is this the recycling I've read? what happens for them to change their minds? It's cruel in the extreme... .  but as we all know it's hard to run away... .  to apply logic. Do they no it's wrong? I guess not. Why would she want to contact me if she is happy with a new guy in her life?  

2 months during our time of NC I got a text from a number I did not recognise. It sparked a text conversation which lasted for 3 weeks. I did think it might be my ex and tried calling the number but without success. The stories she was texting were so far removed from the life my ex lives. I found out several months later that it was my ex pretending to be someone else. Why would she do that? to check up on me? to stay in touch? I really should run... .  shouldn't I?    

I don't often have that feeling here Zack   

But yeah, my very first thought, very very first thought in my head said, RUN. Capital letters.

Don't do this to yourself anymore. She shows all the signs and  from here till Tokyo. Lack of empathy, putting you on a pedestal, I can go on and on but If I were you, and I mean this, make a list for yourself.

Write down the things you like about her and you dislike and see if there is an imbalance in there my friend. 

[Zack]

Thanks for your thoughts Harmkrakow

It's such a difficult position to be in... .  I feel I love her to bits but she crashes my world so very often, and it's predictable which I think in some strange way makes it more difficult to leave... .  thinking I can change the predictability of it all.

I'll write that list my friend... .  I do make a list in my mind of the appeal and the disappointments but on paper it may bring it home more.

Thanks harmkarkow for your imput.

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks for your thoughts Harmkrakow

It's such a difficult position to be in... .  I feel I love her to bits but she crashes my world so very often, and it's predictable which I think in some strange way makes it more difficult to leave... .  thinking I can change the predictability of it all.

I'll write that list my friend... .  I do make a list in my mind of the appeal and the disappointments but on paper it may bring it home more.

Thanks harmkarkow for your imput.

I know its a difficult position, i'm currently facing the same issue as of this moment. I love my gf with BPD more than anything, but I realize (do i?) that what it currently is at the moment, a unhealthy r/s. She gives you hope tomorrow and crushes the world that quickly again a day after. First you think, I can fix this but eventually you will realize that there are some specific things wrong with this person. Lack of empathy for starters ...

It was also when I made the list what I liked and disliked about her that I saw the major imbalance. I wrote 6 sentences I liked about her, I wrote around 17 I didn't like about her. And still ... wanting to do everything for her and take care of her ... It's all about the imbalance what you see on paper. That aint a healthy relationship ...

The thing which misses here is also the input towards you! Who helps you? Where is Zack in this story? That person needs help and appraisal to no? It's like sinking without trace ... Maybe no contact would be better for a while, stop the bleeding, take 1 step back, go to a shrink/psychologist and have a look at all what happened. This is not a beneficial healthy life for you ... where is the joy for you? You only live once!

[Zack]

Hi H

Thanks mate. I've made that list like you said, on paper rather than in my head and like yourself I've discovered the bad out weighs the good... .  it should be an easy choice... .  run... .  don't look back... .  ever. But it's not so simple, we all know that, that's why we read and post here. 

My ex called today. Wants to start a fresh with me, have me in her life, ditch the 'friend' and to live happily ever after. I suggested meeting today or tomorrow to discuss... .  guess what? she can't... .  to busy... .  (with the friend I guess).

I have read a post on here that suggests the mind of a pwBPD is sometimes immersed in 'fairy tales' like that of a child. Her conversation with me recently what precisely like that... .  child like, a fantasy world.

I believe through reading the posts on this site I've moved forward... .  only slightly but a move forward nonetheless. I have a feeling I'll be reading the posts on the message board concerning break ups and leaving very soon. In some way I want her to finish with me, I'm not sure why, lack of courage on my part... .  Romeo is certainly bleeding!   

[HarmKrakow]

Hi H

Thanks mate. I've made that list like you said, on paper rather than in my head and like yourself I've discovered the bad out weighs the good... .  it should be an easy choice... .  run... .  don't look back... .  ever. But it's not so simple, we all know that, that's why we read and post here. 

My ex called today. Wants to start a fresh with me, have me in her life, ditch the 'friend' and to live happily ever after. I suggested meeting today or tomorrow to discuss... .  guess what? she can't... .  to busy... .  (with the friend I guess).

I have read a post on here that suggests the mind of a pwBPD is sometimes immersed in 'fairy tales' like that of a child. Her conversation with me recently what precisely like that... .  child like, a fantasy world.

I believe through reading the posts on this site I've moved forward... .  only slightly but a move forward nonetheless. I have a feeling I'll be reading the posts on the message board concerning break ups and leaving very soon. In some way I want her to finish with me, I'm not sure why, lack of courage on my part... .  Romeo is certainly bleeding!   

You are not alone, i'm still in a BPD relationship with my gf w BPD. I don't have the guts to break it up while it torns me apart.

And in regards of the phone call, she is incapable of having an emotional normal relationship as she has the emotional functioning of an 10 year old (due to BPD). Nothing you can do about it. Fantasy world. Read as much as you can.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0;sort=views;desc

[HardTruth]

Hi Zack,

You refer to your exBPD as a partner.  Was she a partner?  How important is it to you that your gf is there for you?  Keeps her promises?  Does what she says she's going to do?  What is her track record in this so far? 

When it counts, how often does she keep her word?

One of my exbf's was about 70% reliable for fun things while we were dating the first time.  About 20% reliable years later when we recycled.  He was about 0% reliable for things that were really important.  To me.  To us.  I've known him for 11 years now (did not date him that whole time!, just for a few years, off and on), and during that time, he's never changed.  Talks a good talk though.  A lot of people believe him.  He can hold my hand and look into my eyes, and tell me he's going to be there.  And not only does he not show up, the particular time I'm thinking of, he took off with another girl.  It boggles my mind how someone could do that to someone they care about.  Ha!  And then turn around and blame them!  And turn them black to their friends and mutual friends!

Their mind works in a different way than ours.  You'll see that more and more as you are on this site.  Some people say BPD should be called Impulsive PD.  They're impulsive all right, with the sweet words and gestures, but how much do they show up?

Hard to change.  Unlikely to change if they aren't taking responsibility and working on it.  I hope you're not like me and keep hoping that he'll turn from a dog into a cat.  That's a lot of years wasted... .  

[Seb]

Zack, I too had a week of anonymous texts messages in November. I'm convinced it was my exgf. The first text just said, 'hey you ok?' and this came through at about midnight. These kept coming - I didn't reply - they were asking who I was, what's my name, this was their new number, they lost all contacts, they had my number saved but no name... .  they were ridiculous. In the end a friend of mine text the number telling them to back off. The phone, this 'new number' has been switched off ever since. I have no way of knowing if it was my exgf, but I'm pretty certain it is. We're officially NC.

My exgf was all about the talk - wanted to shout her love for me from the rooftops - but never, ever came through for me. She dumped me just as we were meant to be moving in together, and she was about to come out to her family.  My advice, ignore the words, look at the actions.

I know how hard it is to break free from these relationships, they really seem to have a stranglehold on us. Just keep asking yourself what you're worth, do you deserve better? Is this the type of love you're prepared to settle for, and on a part-time basis?   

[maria1]

Hi Zack

I try not to be too didactic on these boards. But there are times when somebody's story screams out 'Please tell me what to do' and I can just see they already have the answer within themselves.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a 10 month on/off relationship with a man who was actually much more 'there for me' than many other stories on this site. The break ups were always after really nice times and always blamed on his depression and inability to deserve and feel true happiness.

In the end he ended the r/s saying he needed someone who was less in his head, needed a r/s where there was room for secrets. But that we had to stay best friends with me in his life just as much or he would kill himself. I tried to stay friends for 2 weeks of ever increasing madness including finding out he was actually seeing someone else but pretending to her he and I had never had a relationship. Then I went NC. (I'm no longer NC but I don't need to be and I'll never go back into a r/s with him)

BUT when it was right it was AMAZING. The addiction to that amazing is where you are. It's where we all are in a BPD r/s at this point. The feeling of promise and future possibilities, that it is all going to be wonderful THIS TIME. But... .  you know full well that it won't last. You know full well that she cannot deliver. If you go back for more be clear that you are choosing pain just as the addict who puts a needle in his arm knows he is choosing slow death for short term bliss.

It's that serious. This relationship will destroy you.

If she did anything to make it worthwhile, if she didn't set her son up against you I wouldn't be advising you at all. I would say it's up to you, make a choice and if you decide to stay post on the staying board. But she won't let you stay. She pushes you too far away each time.

When somebody shows you how they really are, believe them.

Read, read, read about the disorder. Read about engulfment fear. You can't fix her and she has no inclination to fix herself.

Stay with us and we will help you through NC. You are feeling the winds of change- time to jump aboard and set sail. The anchor that was tethered to your girlfriend needs to be pulled up- you will feel it pulling for a long time. I used to physically feel my ex's hands tethered inside me like tree roots I couldn't separate feeling I would rip out my own insides if I did. In time I could feel his hold loosening. NC works but it's hard.

Time to take a journey into YOU. x

[HarmKrakow]

In the end he ended the r/s saying he needed someone who was less in his head, needed a r/s where there was room for secrets.

Care to elaborate a bit on that ? 

[maria1]

We were too close, I knew him too well. It's what he said. He changed the reason for ending the r/s several times over the next couple of weeks. He wanted something less intense.

He really ended it because he couldn't deal with the terror of engulfment. In his head if he could keep secrets he could keep people from getting too close. I walked through real dark stuff with him- I accepted his dark side and it was too much, so he thought a new woman, less intense, less understanding and less analytical was the answer. She was like me but less deep if you like. Engulfment fear/ abandonment fear. Reading about that really turned a corner for me.

www.borderlinepersonality.ca/board/index.php?topic=150.0;wap2

[Zack]

Thanks Maria. This is the part I struggle with. It's amazing when I'm with her, when I hear all of her plans for us and our future... .  but her words have no substance... .  she will never change, deep down in my soul I know this but I've never quit with anything in my life, I've kept going... .  probably like us all but I guess there is a time now when I need to focus on myself... .  it feels selfish to do that, to rid myself of this addiction. I've spent weeks reading the posts on this site hoping to discover an answer that says 'stay with her, it'll work out in the end'... .  I've not found that post yet, I know in my mind that it doesn't exist.

HT, thank you. It's important that my gf was there for me but her track record was useless, worse than useless. When we were engaged to be married she would cancel seeing me, feign illness, not show, but perhaps only once every couple of months. Towards the end of our relationship the frequency of 'not showing' increased. The final event for us was this:

One weekend she text to say she could not come and see me because she was ill. Instead I travelled to her house. I spent the day 'nursing her' and said that I would return the following day to cook her, her son and his gf a meal, she said okay. That evening she phoned to say 'don't worry about coming here to cook, I'll come to your house'. The following day she text to say 'I'm not coming over, you don't realise how ill I am'. I tried to contact her but wasn't able to for a few days. I finally got in touch and she didn't want to talk about the incident.

The following weekend I had booked a trip to Amsterdam for myself, her and her son (I live in the UK). We were flying on the Friday afternoon. I phoned her on Thursday evening to make sure she and her son were all set. I spoke to her son (he was 16 at the time) and he said that he was really looking forward to going. One hour later he called me to say he had to much school work and that he could not make it. I spoke to his mum and told her that I was disappointed that her son could not come with us... .  she hung up. I couldn't get in touch with her. She text me the following day, hours before our flight to Amsterdam and she said 'it's over, leave me alone'. I had no idea why. I went to Amsterdam on my own. We got back in touch a couple of months later and I asked her why she broke us up and why she couldn't make it to Amsterdam. She replied with 'you were disappointed that my son couldn't come with us... .  you should have been happy that it was just you and me that were going'... .  how weird is that?

Thank you for your thoughts to Seb. I would say 100% the calls were from your ex... .  possibly to make you think about her, to keep her on your mind, to make you wonder... .  it's all about them, I know that for sure.

Zack       

[HardTruth]

"When we were engaged to be married she would cancel seeing me, feign illness, not show, but perhaps only once every couple of months. Towards the end of our relationship the frequency of 'not showing' increased."

Yup.  Wow.  This is a BIG deal.  Actions greater than words, as people keep saying.  She did you a favor by leaving, and by going NC.  Now you have some space to do some healing and self-reflecting - which it sounds like you are doing.

[HarmKrakow]

The following weekend I had booked a trip to Amsterdam for myself, her and her son (I live in the UK). We were flying on the Friday afternoon. I phoned her on Thursday evening to make sure she and her son were all set. I spoke to her son (he was 16 at the time) and he said that he was really looking forward to going. One hour later he called me to say he had to much school work and that he could not make it. I spoke to his mum and told her that I was disappointed that her son could not come with us... .  she hung up. I couldn't get in touch with her. She text me the following day, hours before our flight to Amsterdam and she said 'it's over, leave me alone'. I had no idea why. I went to Amsterdam on my own. We got back in touch a couple of months later and I asked her why she broke us up and why she couldn't make it to Amsterdam. She replied with 'you were disappointed that my son couldn't come with us... .  you should have been happy that it was just you and me that were going'... .  how weird is that?

Zack       

Seriously. I need to keep reading stuff like this to realize in my stubborn head that its better to leave someone with BPD than to stick around. My gawd man. Seriously, respect for you that your still all in 1 piece mentally and physically. And, she does not deserve you ...

[Zack]

Thanks H

It's tough on me, tough on all of us who care, tough on all who suffer with BPD.

I'm so glad and thankful to have discovered this site and to have discovered BPD. I've spent 3 years trying to apply logic to certain, awful situations I was put through by my fiancé without any success. At least now I can see the illness for what it is, a serious mental illness, a sad, life changing illness for both sufferers and partners/family members.

I'm still in contact with my ex, it's tough to turn away and run, tough to believe they suffer with a mental illness... .  I guess it's because I've never met anyone before in my life that suffers with mental issues. It's unusual, difficult to accept and take in. At times I liken it to having a viral infection and that one day the virus will have passed and that my fiancés life, our life, will be full, happy, easy, just as life with a partner should be.

Zack     

 

[maria1]

I'm reading 'Codependent no more' by Melody Beattie. I'm not one for self help books but this is useful! It might help you.

[HardTruth]

Yeah, Zack. The whole BPD thing is so weird!  It's hard to wrap your head around it.   It doesn't match with your regular experience, so you (or me, anyway) keep thinking, did that really happen?  There must be a mistake... .  it's probably just a one-time thing... .  etc etc

The Ten Beliefs that Keep You Stuck is helpful.  It's somewhere on this site, but I can't remember where.