Need advice - no matter what I said it just escalated...

[qcarolr]

Wondering for myself, how assertive we can get with out BPs... .  

In the beginning S.E.T. communication helped me a lot: Support, Empathy (validation) then Truth (some call though love). Some put the Empathy first. This settles everyone, shows you care and understand the FEELINGS, then there is greater possibility of real hearing of the facts being asserted and needs being requested.

Here is a tool thread to help you learn about SET.   https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.20#lastPost

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

griz,

The T is a bit condescending; however, I agree with her on many points.  Your daughter needs someone else with whom she can talk.  A storekeeper, a teacher, a kind neighbor, an uncle, the possibilities are endless.  However, in your daughter's case, she didn't have that good fortune to have someone outside of the family, who will give her a bit of perspective.  It isn't so much that your d NEEDS a T, it is that she needs outside perspective.  I think that is the point the T is making.  Like the positive peer culture, lbjniyx's d experienced at her RTF. 

Because pwBPD have difficulty with interpersonal skills, it can be very painful for them, they default to family, where they are feeling less vulnerable.  Yet, somehow, the family can become the gilded cage, just ever so slightly. 

So a dance is required... .  the dance looks different in every family, nonetheless a dance.  For qcaroir, the dance was her daughter being out of the house for a lengthy time to reset the balance between out of the family and inside the family and now her daughter is home, yet the dance to the outside world changed the reality inside the home when her dd returned.    Lbjnitx danced her daughter to a RTF for months and then when her daughter came back... .  Point being, there needs to be a dance between the family world and the outside world... .  

It isn't really a criticism of you and your family, rather it is a sign of the times that people have Ts instead of friends, priests, shamans, neighbors, bpdfamily-kind-of-friends... .  you know.

Nonetheless, you are brilliant with your daughter and your T should be validating of your latest success at home.   She should also validate you driving your daughter, so that your daughter can function at school and work.  All normal parents help that way, when necessary.   Your daughter is still vey young.  One step at a time is wise.

I think your T is overwhelming.  If she was wise, she would validate what shoud be validated and then drop one change piece into the session... .  your daughter needs outside support.  Maybe discuss strategies to warm your daughter to the concept... .  not pathologizing, just normal support that our society is too busy to offer in the course of daily life... .  

My musings... .  

Reality

[griz]

Hi All:

I spent the day today home alone as DD is working on an art project and dh and her went together to my husbands studio to work on it together (this was good). It gave me alot of time to think about all of your posts and try to put things in perspective for myself.  I realized the first off  I need to be a little more assertive with my T in explaining to her that it does not help me for her to point out what has worked for her if she is going to present it in a way that makes me seem like a failure or a poor mother.  I think if she can work with me on coming up with different approaches on how to handle a situation  that would be great. Maybe even how she would handle it would be good but we are there to help me not to compare who is more successful as a mother. I have also realized that sometimes when someone tells me something that I should be or could be doing better it scares me.  I realized, and I know this sounds weird, but I have become comfortable with how things are.  I know that if DD explodes it will pass over and usually by the next day it is as if it never happened. I don't make her accountable for what she said or did out of fear.  I am afraid that if I bring it up that things will get out of control and I am so thankful for the peace.  This does not help DD at all and it is rather quite selfish of me.  I have decided to make a list of things that I need to do to put better boundaries in place and I am going to try to do this one at a time.  My first boundary is going to be that DD must be respectful of my time if she indeed wants to ride to work with me.  I told her we must leave by 7:15 and everyday it is always 7:20 or 7:25.  This is not a huge deal but it creates anxiety for me for getting to work on time.  I can go to my office one of two ways.  The first way is to get off the highway right at my building then she has to walk across campus to get to her first class. It is a pretty good walk especially when it is this cold out.  The other way is I get off one exit prior and enter her campus on the other side.  This is great for her because I then can drop her off right near her class and I drive through the campus to get to my office.  Again, not a big deal but it adds 3-4 minutes to my commute. So tonight I am letting her know in a very nice way that we need to be pulling out of the driveway no later than 7:15, if she would like me to drop her off at her class.  If we leave any later she will have to walk across the campus.  I know if we leave at 7:17 and I stick to my guns the ride in to work will be a nightmare but I am going to stick to my boundaries.

I have also asked dh to start taking her out in the car for some lessons.  Now that she has her permit he can take her out a little each week and once she is up to it I can start making her do the driving to work. 

Well wish me luck in the morning.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Dear griz,

Brilliant start in dealing with the T and setting boundaries with plans for getting your d to a more independant place.

I think we all understand not disturbing the peace... .  yet the peace is where the teaching moments occur... .  

As painful as the ride to work may be, you will get through it.  Stay firm... .  we are with you in spirit.

 

lbj

[Reality]

Dear Griz,

You are amazing!  You are so aware of yourself and you express your struggles so honestly.   Plus you come up with commonsense strategies.  WOW!

Reality

[qcarolr]

Griz - you are so right about the moment of peace and the great fear of losing it. This has been one of dh and my maing failings with DD26 over time. I'd like to say he is much worse about it - we just approach our fear response in different ways. Both are not effective in helping DD learn and grow.

Theses are great ideas. I will be thinking of you in the morning - calmness, courage, sticking it out. Maybe it will go better than you think!

qcr  

[vivekananda]

I like your calm resolve and the careful planning. Baby steps I have been told... .   When it works for you, when you can stick to it, you can build on it with another boundary.

let us know ok?

cheers,

Vivek    

[griz]

Morning update:

So I awoke this morning with a pit in my stomach wondering what the morning would bring.  I woke DD up and got myself ready.  Our set time was 7:15.  At 7:10 I called to her that I would meet her in the car.  At 7:22 she came out carrying a ton of art supplies that she needed to take with her to class today.  I could see that she was annoyed already so I took a deep breath.  She put her portfolio and some things in the car and as she went back in to get the rest of her stuff she snidely said "thanks for helping me".  I didn't react I just responded with I would have been glad to help you if you had asked, I didn't know you needed to take so much stuff".  As she came out the second time I realized that she could not pull the door shut so I got out of the car and said I'll get the door.  We pulled out at 7:25.  The car ride was very quiet and I could see she was in a mood so I said nothing.  At one point she said, "I am so dehydrated".  I asked her if she took a bottle of water and she said, "how was I going to carry that on top of everything else."  I responded with you could put it in your backpack.  I made a little small talk on the way in and since I was getting one word answers I just went quiet.

The whole rest of the way I reminded myself that I had to keep to my plan, although there was a very strong pull to drop her off at her class knowing that this would ease the tension... .  BUT I DIDN'T (YEA FOR ME).  I drove straight to my office. When we got there she said how am I going to carry all of this to my class now and I just calmly said, "Well you don't need the art supplies until this afternoon for Art so you could leave it in the car and take it with you later (in between her classes from 10am- to 3pm she works in my office).  As we were walking I also mentioned if she wanted a bottle of water she could come upstairs to get one since we keep them in the office.  She didn't answer me and as I walked into the building she kept walking toward campus. I know she is mad but I am not sure if she is mad at me or at herself.  I guess I will find out later but I feel like I made a little progress.



Griz

[lbjnltx]

Dear griz,


Way to go!

Good job reading the silence and knowing it wasn't a teaching moment... .  the consequence need to speak for themselves.

Good job not letting guilt circumvent your boundary.

Good job being calm and expressing care and concern without rescuing.

Good job presenting solutions without owning the outcome... .  

Man... .  you made a huge amount of progress in a very short amount of time... .  way to go!

lbj

[jellibeans]

wow... .  that must have been so hard for you... .  congrats

[griz]

Update part 2:

DD showed up for work ON TIME at 10am with a smile on her face.  Not a word about having to walk to class and not one complaint that on her way back to the office it was raining.  She goes back to class at 3pm and has to carry all her Art supplies so I offered her a ride since it was pouring and she said ,"Thanks mom, that would be great". 

Just hope I can keep this going.  One small step at a time.

Thanks for all your support.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

 

Baby steps... .  building blocks... .  foundations to build on.

[momontherun]

So wonderful griz! 

[qcarolr]

Griz -    AWESOME! For both of you. qcr  

[vivekananda]

I've gone all teary  :'(

I know the anxiety, the worry the fear that all went before this. Then the test of resolve, so hard and you did it so well! I know the pleasure when you found it worked well. A small success but a great big achievement - soo good 

Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

Oh Griz,  that is a wonderful outcome!

Time to celebrate your following through!

The books say though, that our BPs might test the boundaries, once they are established, or display bad behaviors to get you to back down from an established boundary.

So, as a follow-up, maybe think through some of the possible challenges ahead and get ready for them before they pop up?

[cfh]

griz

I'm so happy for you!  Optimism... .  we all need it. Thanks.