How to move on from this? A different take on the atteaction

[Dave44]

The pain is almost unbearable. How... .  how could someone do this? How could someone who professed their love so much to the point of marriage and wanting to spend the rest of their life with you dump you and toss you away like a piece of trash? What about all the comments about never in her life feeling like this towards a guy, never having this strong of a connection. What about how we were such a perfect match... .  our lifestyles exactly the same. Almost as if we had been living the exact same life separate all these years. Why wouldn't she at least want to TALK about it? I've read so much about how the nons must go NC and how hard that can be but I have to admit... .  when the BPD goes NC and completely cuts you out, that... .  that is MUCH harder.

Let me ask you all this. So many times I read about our BPD's being the most attractive people we've ever dated. Quite often this becomes the case when we start dating them. But what if that person was the most attractive, beautiful person you've ever seen before you even knew them? Before you even said a single word to them? That is my case. I work in a grocery store and my BPDex would regularly shop there (that is where we met). For months she would come in shopping before we ever started talking. Each time I saw her I would always think to myself... .  wow, she is the most attractive women I have ever seen in my entire life. Never before had I ever saw a girl that I was that attracted or drawn too. I used to think what ever guy that has her is the luckiest man in the world. To make a long story short after several months we began small talk at the store and before I knew it I was dating and living with my soulmate. It was literally a dream come true in every sense of the word. Sadly, that dream became my worst nightmare and here I am. How will I ever move on to someone else now? She was the most beautiful girl in the world to me and NOT as a result of her manipulative BPD mirroring ways. I truly felt she was before I ever said a word to her or even knew so much as her name. I feel like she will haunt me forever and I will always have to settle for "second best". I would give anything to turn time back and have never had met her. I am a shell of my former self... .  

[FoolishOne]

Dave... .  your story is not unlike so many on the boards.  Read up and you'll notice the pattern.  I can relate because I felt the same way about my pwBPD.  It was an illusion... .  a fantasy that lasted for only an instant, but I carried it on for six years.  Yes, it was absolutely a dream come true to have sex with a model-quality chick.  No doubt.  What guy would not want that, right?

But the shine wears off in the blink of an eye and then you realize that what you had was a beautiful disaster... .  nothing more.  Nothing to build on... .  nothing to trust.  Nothing but heartache and misery. 

I don't know your story, but I can tell you this... .  if you were to have been "lucky" enough to prolong that r/s, you would have had unspeakable pain ahead of you.  Kindly research some of my longer posts to witness the carnage that they are capable of.

You say the pain is unbearable... .  and I understand.  Who wouldn't feel the way you do? You thought you had it made with the most beautful chick you ever met.  Trust me (and others who have been there)... .  she's not beautiful on the inside.  She'll suck the very life out of you Dave.

Read on, educate yourself on what makes them tick... .  and then read up on what makes you tick. I think you'll find (like most of us here have come to realize), that we have an equal share in the blame.  There were subtle clues that we missed or chose to overlook.  There were fouls that went unchecked... .  and inappropriate comments or actions that we ignored... .  there was unexplained behavior that we chose to turn our heads to, there was temporary craziness that was inexplcable but we came back for more, and there was cheating, but we forgave them (for some of us multiple times)... .  and so on.

A self-assured, emotionally healthy and well person, would look past the pretty exterior and question the reason they are staying in such an abusive r/s.

Granted, your situation will be different thtn mine, as it will be different than all the others represented here... .  but as you reflect on what the Hell went wrong (and you will a million times), reflect on what you may have done to contribute to the toxic dance.  Please don't beat yourself up Dave... .  you never had a chance... .  if she truly is BPD, it was over before the first kiss... .  Instead, maybe spend some time doing some introspection... .  it may keep the same thing from happening again.

Remember, the family is here only to help.  This site is not the only resource you should use, but it should be one of them.

Good luck and keep moving forward,

F1

[Tausk]

Dave hang in there.  Thanks for sharing.  I understand.  I was 45  and my ex is 13 years younger, and everyone said she looked like a 5'9" supermodel with a the perfect Victoria Secret body.  In fact she was always a triple threat on stage, singing, dancing, acting, model... .  So I do understand.  I always felt such pride in going to events with her because both men and women would stare at her and wonder about me.  And I never lost that feeling in public.  

But I also know that me feelings are in part because of my core wounds, FOO issues, shortcomings and lack of self esteem.  I was drawn to my ex just like my ex was drawn to me because of her damage and of my shortcomings.  BPD are sexually alluring and attractive because it's a survival technique.  It's mirroring.  She could do it to any hetro guy or woman she came across.  It's a tool they use to navigate the very real nightmare of their existence.  But just like a beautiful BPD prostitute, it's only on the surface.  It's only physical.  And the attraction only goes as far as it can feed on the shameful and dark parts of a person's soul.   Self actualized people might want sex with a BPD, but never really trust having any relationship with them, because the interaction is never deeper than what a three-year old can emotionally give to person in a sexual interaction.

There are other genuinely beautiful women, both inside and outside, whom I've been just scared of because of my lack of self esteem.  But with ex wBPD, I wasn't scared because she clearly lacked self esteem, intimacy, and was filled with shame.  So my shame didn't seem to be as important.  And I knew that although physically she could act the part in public, in reality the truth was that she wasn't beautiful or real or honest or a good person in her heart.  Her shame and behavior is so deep and so intense, that her shell of attractiveness only covered a bubbling cess pool of pus and excrement.

So now, as I process of my shame and issues and become a the real person that I've always wanted to be, I'm now becoming more and more attracted not to the BPD waif who's can mirror me, but instead to beautiful women who's beauty is real, deep and genuine.  The one's who in the past, I could only wish I could talk to or be intimate with.  My only regret is that I've waited so long and wasted some many years on damaged destructive women whose actions are in essence sociopathic.  

Because now I'm finding that my genuine and self-accepting self is actually attractive to genuine and self-accepting people.  And the truth is that although I'm still in mourning, and I miss my ex with a hurt that seems bottomless; there are moments when I'm incredibly excited about actually finding a relationship with someone who is honestly and genuinely beautiful.  Because I can now see the real opportunity to do so.  

I'd say be patient.  :)on't despair. Don't get lost in fear.  Everyone on the this side of the board has felt like you do now, and so many have found recovery. We can do it as well.

in support

Sp


It takes time, and self awareness and growth.  And at time, I've been in despair and fear.  But these days, it's much less and instead, often I have feeling of real hope to be more than the superficial person that was when I was trying to love a disordered mentally ill person.

[Dave44]

Schroeder, great post. Correct me if I'm wrong but is what you're saying more or less that yes your partner was a knock out. You knew this anyone that saw her knew this. You felt proud to be out in public with her noticing how everyone would look at her then look at to you. However that's all it really ever was as you knew deep inside something wasn't right with this woman and you knew in your gut that she really wasn't a good person inside? That is how I felt. To anyone else I was the luckiest guy in the world, you could see it on people's faces. To them... .  I had the whole package. Stunning knock out blond with 2 kids that would still put any 20 something year olds body to shame. However I knew something wasn't right with her. I knew she had NO self confidence, a lack of smarts and common sense. Poor judgment skills, poor character I could go on and on. This was despite the fact she never raged or even played the victim role. Regardless I knew that there was something missing inside of her. I could see it in her smile. Almost like the lights were on but no one was home. It wouldn't be long until I found out just how evil she could be and was. Would you agree with me on what I've explained here? Was this similar to your situation?

[Dave44]

I wanted to add... .  

And despite that we knew all that being with her (for me anyways) was almost intoxicating. Like nothing I'd ever experiaced before. I cared for her SO deeply. I thought I could make her life that much better. Plus she idolized me and made me feel like she had been looking for me all her life. The conection was dangerously intense... .  

[imstronghere2]

Schroeder, great post. Correct me if I'm wrong but is what you're saying more or less that yes your partner was a knock out. You knew this anyone that saw her knew this. You felt proud to be out in public with her noticing how everyone would look at her then look at to you. However that's all it really ever was as you knew deep inside something wasn't right with this woman and you knew in your gut that she really wasn't a good person inside? That is how I felt. To anyone else I was the luckiest guy in the world, you could see it on people's faces. To them... .  I had the whole package. Stunning knock out blond with 2 kids that would still put any 20 something year olds body to shame. However I knew something wasn't right with her. I knew she had NO self confidence, a lack of smarts and common sense. Poor judgment skills, poor character I could go on and on. This was despite the fact she never raged or even played the victim role. Regardless I knew that there was something missing inside of her. I could see it in her smile. Almost like the lights were on but no one was home. It wouldn't be long until I found out just how evil she could be and was. Would you agree with me on what I've explained here? Was this similar to your situation?

I'm not Schroeder but yes Dave, that was me too.  Not blond but brunette.  Lights were on and no one was home.  They are the same.  Different exterior package but the same inside.  Emotional vampires.  Suck us completely dry of our "self", our "worth" and everything else and then just flush our ass down the toilet.  Yes Dave.  Yes.  A thousand times over and it's still the same.  I came out of 22 years with mine.  Gave more than any man should ever give.  It's still the same in the end.

What we all have though is ourselves and when it's all said and done, that's HUGE.  It will get better.

[toliveistofly]

Dave: like the other posters, I was deeply attracted to my BPDex. However, she was not a 10, and she was not the most attractive girl I have dated. I have always dated attractive women, and in the end, I left them for other attractive women, hoping that something would be different (intelligence, compatibility, etc). People kept telling me that when I met "the One" that I would know and there would be no doubts.

I met my BPD ex at a training group. At the time, I was in a long term rs with a beautiful girl that I loved very much; just not quite enough to be ready to marry her. I remember seeing BPD running or cycling or swimming and being drawn to her; as I said, BPD was not necessarily the most beautiful, but I was deeply attracted to her. I only spoke to BPD once before I left that city, and we only spoke for 5 minutes. I remember thinking to myself: how can I marry someone like my girlfriend when someone like BPD exists out there in the world. And I wasn't thinking about BPD specifically; I actually believed I would never see BPD again. I was thinking of someone else out there, like BPD, that I might meet someday.

I didn't speak with BPD until about a year later and I was no longer with the other woman. And from there I don't need to tell the story because it is the same as everyone else's. And now I do all the things I have to do; went NC, pretended she was dead, dated other women. And it works, but I still feel what you are feeling. I still wish that she had been who I thought she was, who she pretended to be, OR that I had never met her. I still compare every woman to her, both the good and the bad. And I don't think anyone will ever measure up to the good, but I KNOW no one will ever measure up to the bad. And I guess I can take comfort in that.

[Dave44]

See... .  that is exactly what I fear. I don't want to always compare her to others with them never measuring up. I don't want to always have to think back "geese I wish she could have been who she portrayed to be" when I'm with another girl. I don't want her to haunt me for the rest of my life but fear that's exactly what she'll do! She literally was a dream come true and was perfect for me in every way shape and form other than the obvious. I HATE the fact that I met her. Hate the fact that any guy who's with her (and I'm sure she's with someone new already) is gonna feel like he's on top of the world. More the anything though... .  as she's 37 I can't stand the thought of her meeting someone and realizing its time for her to make a change as this guy is really great and them ending up having a long term healthy relationship as a result... .  that kills me.

[Tausk]

Dave:  I understand everything you're saying and feeling.  And it hurts like hell.  And I thought it would kill me at times.  These are the type of relationships that end up in murder/suicide because of the trauma bond.  

We've been brain washed.  But remember, your ex will never change.  We all go through the fear that they will change for the next guy, but that's because we were brainwashed to believe that things would be different if we were different.  It was our fault.  

But it wasn't. It was all a lie.  Even my pride with her was a lie because it was because of my self esteem issues.  I thought I could save her. I thought I could be her prince and rescue her.  But it was all a lie.  And our exes have a disordered mental illness.  It's not that they won't change, it's that the CAN'T change.  They don't have the capacity.  The question is why did I try to find love with a disordered person whose emotional maturity is that of a three year old living in terror, shame and pain and without the ability to process any of it.

But in the truth, I'm finding my ability to be with real women now.  Women who I thought I'd never be able to be close to but am finding self acceptance and the ability to not be scared or insecure.   This because in my recovery i'm healing my core wounds and learning who i really am.  

My fear of never being with anyone as close to my ex wBPD is based on my fear of intimacy because of my self esteem issues.  But my intimacy with my ex was a lie and based on mutual shame.  I'm moving past that now.  And honestly, I'm developing friendships with women that any mentally healthy person would choose over my ex.  

At first with my ex, it was, "Wow I can't believe someone this hot is into me. What's wrong with her?  How lucky am I." 

Now it more like, "This beautiful woman has a lot to offer me just as I have a lot to offer her."

So, I've got to continue to recover and actually see my ex for who she really is.  As poster 2010 says, learn to devalue our exes similar to how the devalued us.  Because our ex's devaluation of us was actually a transference and reflection of how they really felt of themselves.  They mirror our good, and project their shame.  And we do the opposite, we believe that the mirrored good comes from them and the projected shame is ours.  But it's a lie and brainwashing.

But the truth is it's our good that we fell in love with, and it's their shame that we couldn't overcome.  And a BPD chooses someone like us because of how the depth of our character.  But we need to recognize some of our core wounds to truly heal.   

And give it time and pray for patience.

Still, I know the pain you are feeling. It's at intense as anything I've ever felt.  Suggestions:  Exercise until you drop.  Write on the board until your fingers hurt.  Work at your job. Any productive activity that occupies your mind and passes time.  And easy on the booze and drugs, which slow the recovery.   And slowly learn about the disorder and learn about yourself.  It gets better, but it's hard to see that early on.  

So have faith in what everyone with time on this board says, because we have all gone through this hell.  And we will become even better than we could have ever dreamed.

In support,

SP

[almost789]

See... .  that is exactly what I fear. I don't want to always compare her to others with them never measuring up. I don't want to always have to think back "geese I wish she could have been who she portrayed to be" when I'm with another girl. I don't want her to haunt me for the rest of my life but fear that's exactly what she'll do! She literally was a dream come true and was perfect for me in every way shape and form other than the obvious. I HATE the fact that I met her. Hate the fact that any guy who's with her (and I'm sure she's with someone new already) is gonna feel like he's on top of the world. More the anything though... .  as she's 37 I can't stand the thought of her meeting someone and realizing its time for her to make a change as this guy is really great and them ending up having a long term healthy relationship as a result... .  that kills me.

These people are sick. They will never just meet someone one day and realize its time to shape up and suddenly be better. She will do the next one and the next one after that exactly the same as she did you. Thats why she's never had a relationship last more than 3 months.

Regarding the "looks" we've all been told that "looks" don't matter and are not important. In this case we can see this is absolutely true. Looks don't matter. Of course you have to be attracted, but there is alot more to be attracted to than just the exterior of someone. If your focus is on the exterior, thats all your going to get a hollow shell. I personally don't find really good looking men attractive at all if they have a crap personality. Its about who the person is, not what they look like. Also, someone you don't find all that attractive on the exterior, once you make a connection with that person, they can become very attractive to you, regardless of how they look.

[toliveistofly]

I think that there is a difference between beauty and attractiveness. People can be objectively beautiful, but their other character traits make them unattractive. For me, I was attracted to my BPD in every way; physically, mentally, spiritually, and of course emotionally. She wasn't just some beautiful girl that I felt lucky to be with. It was so much more than that. I think if it had just been her physical beauty I would have thrown her out of my life the second I saw the BPD rear its ugly head and I would have never looked back. To me, it was so much deeper than physical beauty, it was an attraction that I have never felt before.

Of course, this doesn't change anything. She is BPD and always will be. She may hide it better from the next guy, but she is not going to seek therapy. She will get pregnant and destroy the lives of her children and her husband. So, we do what we have to do, and we move on. We know the truth, but it doesn't change the POTENTIAL we saw in the other person and it doesn't fix the hurt we feel. But it does help to know that it would never have worked, and it will never work for her with anyone else.