Try to love the questions themselves

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

“Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. . . At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. . . Discipline yourself to attain it, but accept that which comes to you with deep trust. . .”

― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

DF

You hurt me. I need to tell you that as part of my healing.

Here are the things that hurt:

•   Frequent and sudden abandonments (time outs) after I made a mistake. It felt like I was being punished for making unintentional minor mistakes

•   Not talking about what was going on, rather long intellectual emails – it felt like everything was my fault and I was somehow defective

•   That I was not a good communicator and would dominate any aylking thinks through – I have always thought I was and tried to be a good listener.

•   It took me a long time to read your emails and I had a hard time understanding them. I took me even longer to write a reply and when I did the reply generally caused more problems. This took away my time from other things I needed to do and enjoyed.

•   I got to the point where I feared the next email and often waited what seemed like forever to hear back. I felt like I wasn’t important to you when there was a long pause.

•   I always feared that each new email would be a detachment (temporary or permanent)

•   It really hurt when I expressed a need or want and you would reply that you found it irritating, boring, draining, circular etc.

•   Were you deliberately playing with my abandonment fears – knowing it caused me great pain and suffering. What about when you said I was inferior because I hated my daemons and wanted to be free of them while you “loved your daemons”?

•   It hurt when you criticized my friends, my recovery programs, my town, my business dealings and associates. I started to believe you and stepped away from good people and ideas.

•   It hurt when I addressed my porn habit – I wanted to sop that behavior so we would have a better relationship. You were OK with me using it before. You stopped making love to me once I wanted to improve – I wanted to be a better man and partner. It felt like you we punishing me.

•   That was the same I looked at my co-dependence and saw my rescuing was out of control.

•   Or was it all about the money – getting me to sell my house and buy yours. It was about the time I said no to that that you really got mean.

•   If I had of bought you house would you then have finally abandoned me – leaving me in a house I didn’t like. Was that the plan all along?

•   What about the last week when you moving in and promised everlasting love and them suddenly bolted. And then move back with you abusive husband?

•   Were you practicing you witchcradt on me? Casting some kind of black magic on me?

•   Did you ever love me? Or was it just a big joke?

Am I wrong to feel this way? Was I always wrong, stupid, too immature …. Too sensitive?

Did you mean to be mean to me? Did I desire to be punished. Am I a bad person? Inferior? Better off dead? Is that what you want? Would that make you happy?

[nolisan]

“Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. . . At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. . . Discipline yourself to attain it, but accept that which comes to you with deep trust. . .”

― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

DF

You hurt me. I need to tell you that as part of my healing.

Here are the things that hurt:

•   Frequent and sudden abandonments (time outs) after I made a mistake. It felt like I was being punished for making unintentional minor mistakes

•   Not talking about what was going on, rather long intellectual emails – it felt like everything was my fault and I was somehow defective

•   That I was not a good communicator and would dominate any aylking thinks through – I have always thought I was and tried to be a good listener.

•   It took me a long time to read your emails and I had a hard time understanding them. I took me even longer to write a reply and when I did the reply generally caused more problems. This took away my time from other things I needed to do and enjoyed.

•   I got to the point where I feared the next email and often waited what seemed like forever to hear back. I felt like I wasn’t important to you when there was a long pause.

•   I always feared that each new email would be a detachment (temporary or permanent)

•   It really hurt when I expressed a need or want and you would reply that you found it irritating, boring, draining, circular etc.

•   Were you deliberately playing with my abandonment fears – knowing it caused me great pain and suffering. What about when you said I was inferior because I hated my daemons and wanted to be free of them while you “loved your daemons”?

•   It hurt when you criticized my friends, my recovery programs, my town, my business dealings and associates. I started to believe you and stepped away from good people and ideas.

•   It hurt when I addressed my porn habit – I wanted to sop that behavior so we would have a better relationship. You were OK with me using it before. You stopped making love to me once I wanted to improve – I wanted to be a better man and partner. It felt like you we punishing me.

•   That was the same I looked at my co-dependence and saw my rescuing was out of control.

•   Or was it all about the money – getting me to sell my house and buy yours. It was about the time I said no to that that you really got mean.

•   If I had of bought you house would you then have finally abandoned me – leaving me in a house I didn’t like. Was that the plan all along?

•   What about the last week when you moving in and promised everlasting love and them suddenly bolted. And then move back with you abusive husband?

•   Were you practicing you witchcradt on me? Casting some kind of black magic on me?

•   Did you ever love me? Or was it just a big joke?

Am I wrong to feel this way? Was I always wrong, stupid, too immature …. Too sensitive?

Did you mean to be mean to me? Did I desire to be punished. Am I a bad person? Inferior? Better off dead? Is that what you want? Would that make you happy?

[AllyCat7]

•   Did you ever love me? Or was it just a big joke?

I'm starting to realize it was all just a big joke. They are incapable of love. We are merely objects to them... .  objects to be used. Makes me want to barf 

[Curvy girl]

.   “Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. . . At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. . . Discipline yourself to attain it, but accept that which comes to you with deep trust. . .”

― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet 

Did I make a mistake by leaving him?

What if he means everything he says and he will truly change?

Am I loosing my chance at getting everything  I ever wanted from this relationship by not giving him another chance?

What if he hurts himself?

Would I be sad if he moved on?

What if I completely fall apart now that I am away from him?

Is he ok?

Will I find happiness and love again?

What if all those things he said about me were true?

What if I'm the crazy one?

[GreenMango]

I really have to hand it to you ... .  asking those very personal and hard questions takes courage.  

[gina louise]

here's my set:

what was I trying to prove in the r/s and to whom? (that I was inherently Lovable and worthwhile... .  )

who was my partner a replica of, for me? thinking of my parents (BOTH of them)

What acts or omissions triggered me the most acutely?  Distancing, Projection, Anger expressed, silent treatment, Base and unfounded accusations... .  like cheating (from a cheater!) or calling me a liar when they had lied to me!

What Might I have done better? Set boundaries, walked away, been more self centered-not such a bad thing... .  stayed NEUTRAL.

What part really belonged to ME, as a person, as a partner?   My part, My actions and reactions. My feelings, and my expressions of them... .  

GL

[Wimowe]

Some of mine:

• Why did I have such difficulty setting boundaries?



• What unreasonable demands did I make of myself and of her?



• Why did I disregard the , the warnings of my T and others, and my own intuition?



• Why did I find the relationship addictive?



• What underlying wounds of mine did this relationship resonate with?  Which wounds was I seeking healing for by remaining with this person?



• Why did I persist in pursuing the relationship even after repeated bad experiences with her?  Why did I keep returning for more hurtful actions and words?

[GreenMango]

A lot these questions are great new thread topics, especially for the Personal Inventory Board.  You might be surprised how many people have some these same questions.