Extremely exhausted

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm still living with my mother and I'm just trying to find somewhere to go by myself. There could be good options, but I don't know which one to take first, which is the best, and if any are actually good. I don't know what to do. The craziness started when I was 11 years old. Some dramatic and very abusive things have happened since then. My job search counselor, job search advisor, psychiatrist, and I agree that the first step is getting out. But the question is: How am I supposed to do that? Which is the best way? And what else am I supposed to do in relation to that?

[stillthere]

I'm still living with my mother and I'm just trying to find somewhere to go by myself. There could be good options, but I don't know which one to take first, which is the best, and if any are actually good. I don't know what to do. The craziness started when I was 11 years old. Some dramatic and very abusive things have happened since then. My job search counselor, job search advisor, psychiatrist, and I agree that the first step is getting out. But the question is: How am I supposed to do that? Which is the best way? And what else am I supposed to do in relation to that?

[123Phoebe]

Hi stillthere 

I'm sorry to hear about your confusion in which option to take; life can be difficult at times.  Is it your mother who has BPD?  Please let us know a little more about you, so we can support you in the best way possible, okay?

We're here to help,

Phoebe

[stillthere]

Hi, she hasn't been diagnosed, but I suspect that she does.

Anyway, I'm 25, male, and I have a degree in information systems. It's not the degree that I should have got, but I got it because I stayed here to get one and apparently it was the wrong one. I recently realized that I never moved both because apparently I'm codependent and there was a lack of information provided to me, plus threats of what would happen if I didn't quickly choose a college and major as soon as possible after senior year started. According to the current job listings and an article that I read, I should have got a degree in computer science instead. So I can't seem to get a job that I'm qualified for and other people tell me they suspect that I can't get minimum wage work because I'm overqualified. But one store interviewed me for a minimum wage position and they didn't hire me so it's all confusing. But all along I've just wanted the method of leaving to be getting a job so I could just avoid any undesirable situations, such as persistent negative judgments.

So I have options: waiting, homeless shelter, adult protective services (if i'm eligible), going far away for some kind of work that might not even be related to what my degree is in (which might make everyone upset, plus it doesn't have health insurance), or to just keep waiting for the psychiatrist's staff to find me another place to live (I followed up yesterday and they said they've called a place twice, but haven't even received a response yet and it's been two weeks)

[lbjnltx]

Hello stillhere 

So happy that you are looking for support. 

It is just wonderful to hear how much help you are getting from your jobs counselor, psychiatrist and others.  It seems that finding a place to live and a job are your current endeavors and both take a lot of effort, time and patience.  Waiting can be so hard.

The title of your thread is extremely exhausted.  That is understandable given the situation... .  living with your undiagnosed BPD mother (unBPDm).

How are you taking care of self?  Do you eat properly, rest, exercise, have friends to socialize with?  Being isolated isn't good for self.

Is there a particular interaction with your mom that causes you upset?

We can point you in the direction of information/skills to help you.

I look forward to hearing back from you.



lbj

[stillthere]

Yeah, I've been waiting for two years since I graduated from college to find a full time job. And I've been waiting to get out to a safer place since I was about 12.

Well, I have trouble sleeping usually. Some days there are simple things that I forget to do and part of that's probably due to being depressed. But I'm sure I wouldn't be if I was not living here. I'm typically bubbly when I'm myself. Well, I'm obese, but it's not eating properly and I don't have a choice because I depend on her financially. And I keep trying to get a job over and over and over so I don't have to do that any more. I don't have any friends because I'm socially awkward, socially phobic, and I wonder what people in town would want to be friends with me because some can probably tell that I've been down and she makes a scene almost everywhere we go. We live in an apartment building too so she typically tries to embarrass me or humiliate me in some way by raising her voice. And since I'm a man, I'm indirectly ridiculed by the neighbors. For example, the guy upstairs always follows me around upstairs when I'm walking around my own apartment. He'll stomp. And then when I'm sitting on the couch which is right next to the neighbor's on the side, I'll suddenly start hearing tapping. Or if I'm sitting on the seat closest to the front door, sometimes they'll slam it to try to scare me. The other day the upstairs neighbor made a huge noise in the ceiling over the kitchen and mother jumped in her seat. I said that maybe some day she would believe me that he's intentionally making loud noises. And she never wants to be wrong about anything so she said "He must have dropped something." But it was so loud that it seemed more like something that was thrown at the floor. So not only am I getting it from my mother, but I'm getting it from the neighbors too. She does things to make me look like the bad guy. Sometimes she says things that aren't true and criticizes me to the point that I can barely even function. Then she can criticizes me on how I barely function. Often, I have thoughts of suicide and actually I contacted the suicide hotline the other day and they linked me here. That's how I ended up here.

And just last week I started getting out more, at least to exercise. But I still want to go semi-far away.

[stillthere]

So I was going to take the bus and get my haircut yesterday, but I needed the money to and she wasn't going to pay for my haircut unless I went with her to go get it. So now I have to wait until tonight to get my haircut when she keeps going on and on and on and making everything boil over until I look like the bad guy and then she'll play some kind of victim who doesn't know what they're talking about. And 3 hours ago, she groomed me to go with her by talking about pizza, but she just called me and told me that she really wanted to go have burgers and I can't tell her no because I already told her that I'd go with her and I'm going to get criticized for that and a neighbor just slammed the door.

[lbjnltx]

Hello again stillhere,

Glad to see you back today. 

It's good that you got out and got some exercise.  I hope that the weather where you are is nice enough to do that again very soon.  The cold weather can keep us stuck inside and the lack of sunshine can certainly add to our down moods.

Being cooped up indoors for too long can make us irritable too.  Having rowdy neighbors can sometimes add to our irritation.  Do you know anyone else in your building?

Sometimes when I am restless or feeling bored I will just go for a drive or stop in somewhere and get a cup of coffee.  Do you do that?

lbj

[stillthere]

No, I don't.

And no, I'm trying to save the little money that I have in case one day she actually acts on her threat to kick me out for something random like not cleaning the dishes at a specific time.

[vivekananda]

Hi stillhere 

I am glad your still here. I have read your posts and I feel sad for you, you do feel stuck with nowhere to turn. But there are solutions.

My mum is BPD too, I left when I was 15 though and went to my sisters. I suppose you don't have any other family you could turn to do you?

When I was 15 though it was a loong time ago. Things are different today. And If I had stayed till I was 25, I would feel like you do, which makes it hard to leave. So, I think you need to set some goals towards looking after yourself. lbjnltx gave you some excellent advice. Go walk. This may seem as something so simple, that it won't make a difference. But it's amazing, I think you will find it hard to do, because, you know, it can make an enormous difference.

This won't get you another place to live, but it will get you out of the house. It can turn your life around. You could start with 20 minutes, but you need to build up to over an hour (hour and a half is a good goal). Why walk?

Fresh air cleans the head, exercise gets you fit and gives you dopomine to lift your mood, people are outside - you smile at them, they smile back and you feel better, you might shed a pound (especially if you build up to a brisk walk), when you walk you think better and feel better. You will find your solution when you walk. And you do it at least 5 days a week. Write a schedule so your mum knows when you will be out, so she can't ask you to do something in that time.

Stillhere, I think you want to take control of your life. I think you can do it.

Let me know what you think about the walking, ok?


Vivek    

[stillthere]

Thank you. Walking sounds like a good plan. And I've already went to my sister's. But comparing who was worse between mother and sister, my sister was definitely worse, and on top of that she had four rowdy kids who didn't have boundaries and I found when I had arrived that my sister even encouraged them to start messing with my things before she came to get me. And her husband was just on their side. Before I came he told me things like "I'll talk to employers in my area and I can get you a job." He said that for 3 years and one day he said that there would probably be a catch and it's that I would already need to live in their area. Well, I did and nothing happened. So yeah, I moved back. Things were also nice at first. Then it returned back to the way it was.

[stillthere]

And I don't have any other family to live with. And I don't have any friends to live with. Because I don't have any friends.

[vivekananda]

ouch stillthere, that is a hard situation to find yourself in. You would feel sad.

In the short term, I do think you should start to feel some control in your life, and begin with walking.

It might help to practice a response to your mum. When she says something hurtful to you, say: "it hurts me when you say that I am ... .  (for when she criticizes you)." There is no need for you to say anything else, unless you wanted to add, "If you could be kind to me I would feel that you loved me."

Then, a job is most important to you. Isn't there any part time work you could do? The local supermarket? Since you have been unemployed for so long, you may even need to start with voluntary work with a charity so that you could get used to what it means to work.

Yes, it's hard living with your mum and being dependent on her. I expect she doesn't like to see you like this either. So, maybe if you started to appear to take control of the situation and get out of the house more, it may make it more bearable until you could find somewhere else to live.

Those of us with people with BPD in our lives, learn that the best thing we can do to help ourselves and the ones we best wishes, is to change ourselves.

You are seeing a psychiatrist right?

Vivek  

[Greeneyed Girl]

Hello Still Here,

I am a woman, somewhat older than you are now, but I know exactly how you feel.  I eventually got out- it was a struggle indeed and a struggle to stay out as I have lost a job twice ( but got another) since. Please don't consider suicide.  It is fortunate that you have a therapist.  Please confide these ideas to him/her and rely on his/her help.  Also, as you know, you might have to take something out of your field for awhile, even factory work.  It usually pays a living wage and if there is a factory near you specializing in technology/computer systems, etc, it seems to me they would consider you for an entry postition above the person off the street with a GED even if it is manufacturing at first.  As for your loud neighbor, if he is intentionally making these noises you might speak to your landlord. Try to let that roll over you- easier said than done, I know- but the neighbor is the one with the problem ( my mom had a home health worker who threw shoes at my closed door so I do get it) At any rate, be strong and don't give up.  You are in my thoughts and prayers- if prayers do not offend.  Also try online work but look out for scams.  I bet you would qualify for some online postion.  Good luck and God bless you.

Love,

Cherry Sky

[daze]

Hello Still There,

I understand your family, degree, and job situation as you have explained it.  Here is something to consider.  If there is a college or university near you, you could maybe solve two problems at once: 1) move on campus and 2) get a more marketable degree in computer science.  Yes, it would cost more money, but it would probably pay off in the long run.  Now is the time to complete the financial aid forms and whatnot.  In the meantime, you could look for a job that would tide you over.  If you explain to potential employers that your plan is to go back for a second degree that is more marketable, they would probably be more likely to hire you for a job that you are overqualified for, understanding that it is not a permanent job for you.

I feel for you and was just trying to think of things I might consider if I were in your situation.  Take care!

Daze

[stillthere]

Actually, there is no hope. I'm too exhausted from explaining over and over and over again without getting anywhere. There aren't any resources for me. I'm sick of all of the righteous people who tell me that I'm letting myself be a victim and that since I'm the one who isn't happy, I need to change everything to make the abusers feel right at home. I'm not happy because I'm not mentally ill. And who knows? Maybe I will be soon. Because of EVERYONE's lack of responsibility. My mother is an abusive, hypocritical, thief of state government resources, who makes me live in fear of the police because she knows police and she can convince them of anything. My sister is a self-admitted bipolar, hypocritical, pot smoking thief who knows police and can convince them of almost anything. The neighbor follows me everywhere. He even listens to me go to the bathroom all the time. The social worker was a mandatory reporter. They never reported anything. I haven't seen my druggy father since I was 4. I know he's in poverty. Why is he in poverty at 54? How do I truly know if he's a really bad guy? Because everyone who's told me that are bad themselves. The only interests of the police are in protecting women, not men. I don't have any rights. I shouldn't let myself be a victim? Well, I could go to the police, but they won't care as usual.

[daze]

Still There,

That's an interesting point you bring up about your dad.  Questioning if he is bad because people told you he's bad.  My mom used to tell me my dad was bad, but he's not bad.  He's just a person who has weak and strong points like everyone else.  No one is perfect, of course. 

Daze