She taught me I can't be happy

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm an adult daughter of a mother with BPD. Among other things, she conditioned me to be afraid to be happy. Growing up, anytime I had a success or was happy about something, she would ruin it. Absolutely ruin it, and I'd come away feeling AWFUL. So, in my mind, any accomplishment or feeling of happiness will immediately be followed by feeling horrible.

My problem right now is that I have never been happier. And it scares the hell out of me! I have an amazing husband, 2 incredible children and a very blessed life. My days are full of love, joy and laughing. But when evening hits, I get VERY uncomfortable because I'm waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. I get so mixed up, confused and overwhelmed by all theses conflicting emotions that I don't know how to handle it. So I pour a glass of wine. And then another, out of desperation to escape my own head. My mother has me so petrified of happiness that I'm "doing her job for her" so to speak, and ruining my own happiness

 

Can anyone relate? Can anyone offer any helpful advice or insights?

.

[Bama]

I'm an adult daughter of a mother with BPD. Among other things, she conditioned me to be afraid to be happy. Growing up, anytime I had a success or was happy about something, she would ruin it. Absolutely ruin it, and I'd come away feeling AWFUL. So, in my mind, any accomplishment or feeling of happiness will immediately be followed by feeling horrible.

My problem right now is that I have never been happier. And it scares the hell out of me! I have an amazing husband, 2 incredible children and a very blessed life. My days are full of love, joy and laughing. But when evening hits, I get VERY uncomfortable because I'm waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. I get so mixed up, confused and overwhelmed by all theses conflicting emotions that I don't know how to handle it. So I pour a glass of wine. And then another, out of desperation to escape my own head. My mother has me so petrified of happiness that I'm "doing her job for her" so to speak, and ruining my own happiness

 

Can anyone relate? Can anyone offer any helpful advice or insights?

.

[hithere]

Can anyone offer any helpful advice

Drinking too much might make your self-fulfilling prophecy of being unhappy come true.  Get into therapy.

[UpwardAndOnward]

im an adult daughter with a BPD mother as well. My advice to you is revel in your happiness... .  you have earned it and you DESERVE it. remind yourself that your lucky and blessed to have everything you do, and also be grateful you turned out as good as you did given your upbringing. My SO is always quick to tell me to just blow my mom off and its just not that easy... .  i feel for you. but you know more than anyone drowning your worries will get you no where. just work on continuing to improve yourself... i read your other post about reading and understanding helps you- i couldnt agree more. so rather than getting uncomfortable at night- maybe read a book about the illness and cuddle up with your husband, be happy that part of you life is over. now your allowed to have that happiness... .  so just smile and rememeber YOUR ALLOWED to be happy

[thespacebetween]

Oh I know exactly how you feel.  I honestly have had glimpses of happiness, and now I finally get it a bit more and feel happy some days and it is SUCH a foreign feeling.  I used to not feel much of anything, so unhappiness was at least "something' and I think I would yearn to be unhappy because at least I was feeling.  I knew nothing else.  When things were too normal so to speak I would create drama, listen to sad songs, make things happen or remember to be sad.  How sick and weird is that?   I didnt realize what or why I did that till recently ( many years of therapy!)... .  Now I still feel ridiculous when I am happy, because it is just a very weird feeling when you have not grown up knowing it. I am 37 yrs old and really just started to learn what happy feels like the last year or two I think.   Anyway, your not alone, and I think if your not in therapy you do need it to help you learn hope to cope with these feelings. lots of luck in the journey!

[DreamGirl]

Hi Bama,



Oh my gosh, I get this.

I think it's about taking inventory of what belongs in our adult life and what should be left in our childhood.

You deserve to be happy. You know this logically. But sometimes we live out our childhoods in our adult life. Your mother helped you in feeling like your success wasn't real and that your happiness was not deserved. My dad would do that, I'd be so proud of myself for an accomplishment and he would minimize it. So it made me question myself.

Am I really as good as I think I am? Have I done well? Or am I just fooling myself?

Glasses of wine are tiny little coping mechanisms to distract us from dealing with it.  

You've carrying a load here, Bama. Happiness is a state of being, it's something that we are to embrace. If we let fear and doubt creep in, then happiness doesn't have a whole lot of room to thrive.

It's part of the Mourning steps on the Survivor's Guide.

Where do you see yourself in the steps?

 DreamGirl

[Bama]

Wow, thanks for the helpful posts! I am so appreciative of the support and understanding, I think that's half the battle. I've been kind of reeling back on my heels these last few days as everything sinks in... .  but I'm pretty sure that's normal for a "break through." I'm achieving a greater understanding of myself, in the light of understanding more about my mothers BPD and how it specifically impacted me. But the past is behind me, the future isn't here. All I have is today, to choose to be happy and change who I am.

Somehow, by hearing and reading all these other stories, I've broken free into a new mindset. I'm looking back at the broken thinking of my old-self, shaking my head and pressing on forward. Is this what they mean by shaking off the fog? Because I seriously feel a new clarity.

[InaMinorRole]

I totally get this. I tend to go around with the feeling that something terrible is about to happen. And why wouldn't I? When terrible things keep happening all the time when you're a kid that's what you learn about the world. Happy times feel like Disneyland: fun while it lasts but eventually you have to go back to the dreary old world.

There is one school of therapy that is really good at addressing this. It's called cognitive behavioral therapy. It's actually useful for a lot of things besides this. What it basically does is it helps you identify the times when your thinking is veering off into an unhealthy pattern, and then gives you the tools to mindfully choose to do something else. www.psychology.about.com/od/psychotherapy/a/cbt.htm

Lay off the sauce. Alcohol is a depressant. It makes you feel maybe 30% better for an hour and 60% worse for the next four hours. You already know this or you wouldn't have brought it up. 

[classypancake]

I don't have any great advice, but I just wanted to chime in as another person who totally relates. 

[nolisan]

Get to AA and/or addiction counselling - the booze will just make things worse! MUCH worse!

ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and dysfunctional families) would may be good for you. They have f2f, internet and telephone meetings. CoDA may also be a good fellowship.

I'm an adult daughter of a mother with BPD. Among other things, she conditioned me to be afraid to be happy. Growing up, anytime I had a success or was happy about something, she would ruin it. Absolutely ruin it, and I'd come away feeling AWFUL. So, in my mind, any accomplishment or feeling of happiness will immediately be followed by feeling horrible.

My problem right now is that I have never been happier. And it scares the hell out of me! I have an amazing husband, 2 incredible children and a very blessed life. My days are full of love, joy and laughing. But when evening hits, I get VERY uncomfortable because I'm waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. I get so mixed up, confused and overwhelmed by all theses conflicting emotions that I don't know how to handle it. So I pour a glass of wine. And then another, out of desperation to escape my own head. My mother has me so petrified of happiness that I'm "doing her job for her" so to speak, and ruining my own happiness

 

Can anyone relate? Can anyone offer any helpful advice or insights?

.