Moved out, No contact, weirdness...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello!

I am dealing with broken engagement by my BP ex. Long story short, we got into a fight, and he broke down and ended a 2 year relationship. We went from planning a wedding to him cancelling it, without discussion.

A week ago, I moved out. He went from being cold, to sending numerous texts asking where things were in the apartment, and ended the conversation by telling me he still has things of mine to return to me "when he gets around to it" and we can "take it from there".

I'm not sure if it is finally hitting him that I am gone (all his choice, not mine AT ALL) - but this week, he reached out to my sister to try to "clear the air" and there was a lot of discussion with them. Additionally, and this may be a reach, he "liked" a picture of me that a mutual friend posted on Instagram. He has blocked me from all social media, so he hasnt seen anything that im up to.

Do you think hes now, 2 1/2 months after the split, realizing just what he did? And is it possible to get him the help he needs and get us back on track? Even with all the hurt he's caused, and the immature, selfish, heartless behavior, i'd do anything for him.

[lostkitten]

Hello!

I am dealing with broken engagement by my BP ex. Long story short, we got into a fight, and he broke down and ended a 2 year relationship. We went from planning a wedding to him cancelling it, without discussion.

A week ago, I moved out. He went from being cold, to sending numerous texts asking where things were in the apartment, and ended the conversation by telling me he still has things of mine to return to me "when he gets around to it" and we can "take it from there".

I'm not sure if it is finally hitting him that I am gone (all his choice, not mine AT ALL) - but this week, he reached out to my sister to try to "clear the air" and there was a lot of discussion with them. Additionally, and this may be a reach, he "liked" a picture of me that a mutual friend posted on Instagram. He has blocked me from all social media, so he hasnt seen anything that im up to.

Do you think hes now, 2 1/2 months after the split, realizing just what he did? And is it possible to get him the help he needs and get us back on track? Even with all the hurt he's caused, and the immature, selfish, heartless behavior, i'd do anything for him.

[hithere]

Do you think hes now, 2 1/2 months after the split, realizing just what he did?

no

And is it possible to get him the help he needs and get us back on track?

chances are slim

Even with all the hurt he's caused, and the immature, selfish, heartless behavior, i'd do anything for him.

He is probably keeping you warm on the side in case he decides to recycle you.

Do you think he is seeing someone else?

[lostkitten]

I have heard from mutual friends, he's not seeing anyone - romantically or even friendly. He's been very distanced from his friends, and minus a few instances where he was playing a show with his band, he hasn't been going out or talking to anyone at all.

[Newton]

lostkitten I'm trying my best not to be too cynical after a fair while on these boards and reading a LOT of posts with people in almost identical situations to you... .  for now, with the info you have I suppose giving him the benefit of my doubt is fair... .  

What I will say is that this man has behaved very inconsistently... .  it must have been such a shock to you... .  planning a wedding one minute... .  him breaking up the next!... .  that is your truth right now... .  

Does his behaviour show you he is willing to take responsibility for his behaviour and seek help?... .  

[lostkitten]

lostkitten I'm trying my best not to be too cynical after a fair while on these boards and reading a LOT of posts with people in almost identical situations to you... .  for now, with the info you have I suppose giving him the benefit of my doubt is fair... .  

What I will say is that this man has behaved very inconsistently... .  it must have been such a shock to you... .  planning a wedding one minute... .  him breaking up the next!... .  that is your truth right now... .  

Does his behaviour show you he is willing to take responsibility for his behaviour and seek help?... .  

I don't blame you, it's hard for myself to not be cynical and jaded by his behavior!

I've been blindsided by him. He struggled with "problems" and was in therapy from before we were dating, up until a month or so after our engagement. Many people who know him know about his issues - calling him a "sad sap" and even his mother talking about how difficult it's been to deal with his "moods".

I don't know if he is back in therapy. He's completely withdrawn and become incredibly cold towards me. He's never explained himself to me, fully, nor will I think he ever will, as he is still processing. Without a doubt, i'd be there, and support him anytime he needs it, regardless of our relationship. He has still never taken responsibility for ANY of this. I'm just not sure how to proceed - he's obviously going through SOME kind of emotion this week - hence reaching out to my sister, and the "like" on the photo of me - I just don't know whether to ignore it, or see it as the slightest bit of light.

[Newton]

I understand your confusion... .  we hope for so much and receive very little... .  this is the "leaving, detaching" board... .  any choice you make about your relationship is yours alone... .  

Are you "undecided" ?... .  

ps... .  really not trying to make light of your situation but your thread topic described my last three relationships in 5 words... .  love it! 

Whichever board you post on... .  people here understand what you are going through... .  

[myself]

I don't know if he is back in therapy. He's completely withdrawn and become incredibly cold towards me. He's never explained himself to me, fully, nor will I think he ever will, as he is still processing. Without a doubt, i'd be there, and support him anytime he needs it, regardless of our relationship. He has still never taken responsibility for ANY of this. I'm just not sure how to proceed - he's obviously going through SOME kind of emotion this week - hence reaching out to my sister, and the "like" on the photo of me - I just don't know whether to ignore it, or see it as the slightest bit of light.

Hi. Being in a similar situation, it does feel weird not being there for someone you care so much about. Feeling compassionate is not 'ignoring' it, though. Not acting on what you feel, and what he may need, is due to his cutting off contact and being cold. That's not on you. As you say, you still feel to be there for him. His actions are the ones that are stopping that from happening. You can't exist, can't fully grow, in just the 'slightest bit of light' he may provide from time to time. Can't even read the situation well enough with just that little bit. The   that you find, within yourself, can help you get through this. That doesn't mean you can't and won't be there for him in the future (doesn't mean you will be, either). Taking the time now to step back, reassess what's best for you, what you need to do to find some balance for yourself, would be time well spent. He may never be able to take responsibility, but you can. Which is healthier, for you: backwards or forward? Focus on You. If he does the same, for himself, and you two can work it out together? Great. If not, you're already on your way to something better. Either way: Best wishes.

[lostkitten]

I understand your confusion... .  we hope for so much and receive very little... .  this is the "leaving, detaching" board... .  any choice you make about your relationship is yours alone... .  

Are you "undecided" ?... .  

ps... .  really not trying to make light of your situation but your thread topic described my last three relationships in 5 words... .  love it! 

Whichever board you post on... .  people here understand what you are going through... .  

I'm not as much undecided, as I was never given a choice in this matter. It was all cut and dry - no grey area - that we were OVER. From here, I have been pushed away and am working on letting go so I can rebuild myself. It's just incredibly difficult to do, especially with these little bits and pieces he's giving.

[schwing]

Hi Lostkitten,

I've been blindsided by him. He struggled with "problems" and was in therapy from before we were dating, up until a month or so after our engagement. Many people who know him know about his issues - calling him a "sad sap" and even his mother talking about how difficult it's been to deal with his "moods".

If you plan on re-engaging with him (assuming he is receptive as well) it may be helpful for you to learn as much about his "problems" as you possibly can.  The difficulty may lie in the possibility that he will not be forthcoming about what he goes through as you have described him as "private."  I wrote a bit of a wall of text to your introductory post in the hope that some of what I've written can help you better understand what he might be going through.

I don't know if he is back in therapy. He's completely withdrawn and become incredibly cold towards me. He's never explained himself to me, fully, nor will I think he ever will, as he is still processing.

I don't know if he is still processing.  But he's taken pretty decisive actions for someone who might be "processing."  If he does suffer from BPD, I would speculate that if he appears to waver from his past choices, it is not because he has thought more thoroughly about his past actions, but rather because his needs and feelings have changed (again).  I would say that another way to describe people with BPD (pwBPD) is that their feelings are subject to change.

Without a doubt, i'd be there, and support him anytime he needs it, regardless of our relationship. He has still never taken responsibility for ANY of this. I'm just not sure how to proceed - he's obviously going through SOME kind of emotion this week - hence reaching out to my sister, and the "like" on the photo of me - I just don't know whether to ignore it, or see it as the slightest bit of light.

You might wish to consider that how he chooses to "need" you and the kind of "support" he wants from you may or may not help him with any recovery process; he may choose to rely on you as a means to enable him to continue with dysfunctional behavior.  This is why members here will warn you to be on the look out for "recycling" behaviors.

That he is reaching out to your sister, and has "liked" a photo of you, does suggest that his feelings towards you has changed.  But I would ask for how long will this change last before he devalues you again?  Moreover why is he being so indirect in his attempt (?) to communicate with you?  What is it that he wants from you?

Does he want you to "accept" all the blame that he has laid at your feet?  Does he want you to take responsibility for his (disordered) feelings?

Best wishes, Schwing

[lostkitten]

Schwing, Thank you so much for your comments. They are really helpful.

He was always very private - still is - and chose to keep the details of his therapy, and reasons why, for the most part, to himself. Obviously, if he comes around (god I hope so!) we would absolutely have to go to therapy together, for both of our sakes. One very hurtful thing he's said, is that he only "needs" therapy because of girlfriends and they cause his issues. Certainly not the case. Additionally, I threw out the idea of couples therapy when he was on the fence, and he was very angry - saying that if it was so bad after 2 years that we needed therapy, then we shouldnt be doing this.

One thing you mentioned really hit home - Yes, he does expect me to take all the blame for this. He has never had any accountability in his actions for ending our relationship and withdrawing. According to him, it's all my fault, and he had no other choice but to leave. Yet, he had no doubts at all until we got into a petty fight.