I think my mom has BPD what can I do?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

So I've spent most of my day reading all about BPD and learning about it and reading some of the material on here. The reason I got to looking it up was because of yet another incident with my mother and it was the final straw and I felt like I needed some answers so I looked up some similar issues and a lot of stories about BPD seemed like my own.

Let me start by telling you about myself and my family. I am 22 and I come from a family of 6 (Mother, Father, and 4 Children myself 22 brother 20(autistic) sister 16 and brother 14). We also have 3 dogs in our home so it is a packed house. In my early years my father was the threatening monster in the house who started to hit me and my mother was the knight in shinning armor me and her were very close, I was a big mamma's boy, and then after counseling and as I grew older my father and I were able to overcome a lot of issues and in my eyes he has made great strides. As our relationship improved, which is all thanks to my mother, mine and my mother's relationship began to dwindle but not in the way that I was choosing my father over her but just as any young boy decides he is too old to be a mamma's boy. So for the last 5 or 6 years my mother and I have not seen eye to eye at all and she continues to talk about how my father has brainwashed me into hating her. This is something that comes up with every dispute or even just a disagreement on a very silly topic. About 5 years ago my mother was in a really dark place after she lost her father and she became suicidal and after this she was placed on some antidepressants and stopped drinking (which is also a problem in my family on both sides). In the past 3 years I have been kicked out of my home on a number of occasions for very little things, in no way am I saying I wasn't at fault but the reaction from my mother was entirely over the top and unnecessary. I place a lot of blame on my father for not stepping in and doing something about this and he and I are able to sit and have a discussion or sometimes a little bit heated discussions about my issues with the way he is or is not handling the situations. Right now I am returning to school and still live at home. I am working as well as going to college as a full time night student and if it came down to it I could leave and stay with a friend until I get a place of my own but my biggest concern is leaving my siblings at home in this environment.

Today was the latest of all the incidents, I came home from school and was discussing the driving arrangements for this evening to get me to class and my brother to practice and my mother and father felt like I was giving them an attitude which is entirely possible. After my mother yelled at me I stopped took a breath and walked away as I try to do when these things happen. After this my parents got into a fight regarding this argument and my father spoke out of anger and said he had enough and wanted my mother out of the house and so did the rest of us. When I spoke to my father he told me everything and I said that he shouldn't have said that to her but I agreed that something needed to change. After I cooled down I returned to apologize to my mother for my attitude and I saw all of my fathers belongings were moved into the living room, then I went to speak with her and we got off on a tangent as usual and a prior incident was brought up where my mother threatened to kill herself in front of all of the children in the house after I said she was taking something personally. This sparked a flame in her that I have not seen. She then tells me to leave her F'ing room or she is going to kill herself. At this point my father was in the shower so I told my mother I was going to call the police because I let the other incident go but this time I wasn't about to. I went to the bathroom and yelled for my father to get out of the shower because I was prepared to take my mother to the hospital to be admitted. The fight escalated into her repeatedly shouting "get out or I'm gunna kill myself" over and over again and I said "I will not get out if these are the things you are going to say" my mother then forced her way passed me into my brothers' room with one of my brothers inside and slammed the door and sat in front of it so I could not enter. My father insisted that she was doing this to put on a show and if I went to class she would have no one to entertain and I told him I wasn't going to class because if I was home I was at least there in case she attempted anything. We argued about this for some time until he had to leave for work so I stayed home from class tonight. After this event before my father left we saw that my mother had been drinking because my father started marking the bottle he just got for his upcoming retirement, my mother went to pick up my brother and we waited downstairs for her to say I would go get him and this turned into me and my father conspiring against her to catch her doing something wrong. She then went upstairs and barricaded herself in her room. After this I left to get my brother and bring him home I didn't tell him about any of this because he is sensitive and I felt that it would only anger my mother more for telling him. Then I had to drive him to practice and when I returned my mother was sitting yelling at my other brother about if he wanted to live with her or my father and I calmly and politely said "Hey I dont want to upset you anymore than I already have but I dont think this is the right time for you to be talking to him about this I think you should give it a day or two to calm down because you're upset and he clearly is not happy with this conversation" this made things even worse, she screamed and yelled that my father has brain washed me into hating her and that me and him are two peas in a pod and now she knows that I have no faith in her and I told her "I do and thats why I am here talking to you" and she said nope you're not. I tried to tell her my father defends her to me all of the time weather or not she deserves it and she said I was lying. After this she screamed at me to get out and I said ok and she then yelled if you don't get out now I will call the cops and have you removed. This was a huge problem for me because I am going to school to become a teacher and if something like this were to happen to me my future would be ruined. Everything I have read leads me to believe she has BPD mixed with some severe depression but I don't know what to do. I truly don't care to maintain a relationship with her after this but as far as my siblings are concerned I want/need to be in their lives and I can't leave knowing that they are stuck here with her. I understand that was a lot of info all at once and this was extremely helpful just to let it all out but any feedback or suggestions for how to deal with this would also be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for all of your support.

[Meek56]

Hi everyone,

So I've spent most of my day reading all about BPD and learning about it and reading some of the material on here. The reason I got to looking it up was because of yet another incident with my mother and it was the final straw and I felt like I needed some answers so I looked up some similar issues and a lot of stories about BPD seemed like my own.

Let me start by telling you about myself and my family. I am 22 and I come from a family of 6 (Mother, Father, and 4 Children myself 22 brother 20(autistic) sister 16 and brother 14). We also have 3 dogs in our home so it is a packed house. In my early years my father was the threatening monster in the house who started to hit me and my mother was the knight in shinning armor me and her were very close, I was a big mamma's boy, and then after counseling and as I grew older my father and I were able to overcome a lot of issues and in my eyes he has made great strides. As our relationship improved, which is all thanks to my mother, mine and my mother's relationship began to dwindle but not in the way that I was choosing my father over her but just as any young boy decides he is too old to be a mamma's boy. So for the last 5 or 6 years my mother and I have not seen eye to eye at all and she continues to talk about how my father has brainwashed me into hating her. This is something that comes up with every dispute or even just a disagreement on a very silly topic. About 5 years ago my mother was in a really dark place after she lost her father and she became suicidal and after this she was placed on some antidepressants and stopped drinking (which is also a problem in my family on both sides). In the past 3 years I have been kicked out of my home on a number of occasions for very little things, in no way am I saying I wasn't at fault but the reaction from my mother was entirely over the top and unnecessary. I place a lot of blame on my father for not stepping in and doing something about this and he and I are able to sit and have a discussion or sometimes a little bit heated discussions about my issues with the way he is or is not handling the situations. Right now I am returning to school and still live at home. I am working as well as going to college as a full time night student and if it came down to it I could leave and stay with a friend until I get a place of my own but my biggest concern is leaving my siblings at home in this environment.

Today was the latest of all the incidents, I came home from school and was discussing the driving arrangements for this evening to get me to class and my brother to practice and my mother and father felt like I was giving them an attitude which is entirely possible. After my mother yelled at me I stopped took a breath and walked away as I try to do when these things happen. After this my parents got into a fight regarding this argument and my father spoke out of anger and said he had enough and wanted my mother out of the house and so did the rest of us. When I spoke to my father he told me everything and I said that he shouldn't have said that to her but I agreed that something needed to change. After I cooled down I returned to apologize to my mother for my attitude and I saw all of my fathers belongings were moved into the living room, then I went to speak with her and we got off on a tangent as usual and a prior incident was brought up where my mother threatened to kill herself in front of all of the children in the house after I said she was taking something personally. This sparked a flame in her that I have not seen. She then tells me to leave her F'ing room or she is going to kill herself. At this point my father was in the shower so I told my mother I was going to call the police because I let the other incident go but this time I wasn't about to. I went to the bathroom and yelled for my father to get out of the shower because I was prepared to take my mother to the hospital to be admitted. The fight escalated into her repeatedly shouting "get out or I'm gunna kill myself" over and over again and I said "I will not get out if these are the things you are going to say" my mother then forced her way passed me into my brothers' room with one of my brothers inside and slammed the door and sat in front of it so I could not enter. My father insisted that she was doing this to put on a show and if I went to class she would have no one to entertain and I told him I wasn't going to class because if I was home I was at least there in case she attempted anything. We argued about this for some time until he had to leave for work so I stayed home from class tonight. After this event before my father left we saw that my mother had been drinking because my father started marking the bottle he just got for his upcoming retirement, my mother went to pick up my brother and we waited downstairs for her to say I would go get him and this turned into me and my father conspiring against her to catch her doing something wrong. She then went upstairs and barricaded herself in her room. After this I left to get my brother and bring him home I didn't tell him about any of this because he is sensitive and I felt that it would only anger my mother more for telling him. Then I had to drive him to practice and when I returned my mother was sitting yelling at my other brother about if he wanted to live with her or my father and I calmly and politely said "Hey I dont want to upset you anymore than I already have but I dont think this is the right time for you to be talking to him about this I think you should give it a day or two to calm down because you're upset and he clearly is not happy with this conversation" this made things even worse, she screamed and yelled that my father has brain washed me into hating her and that me and him are two peas in a pod and now she knows that I have no faith in her and I told her "I do and thats why I am here talking to you" and she said nope you're not. I tried to tell her my father defends her to me all of the time weather or not she deserves it and she said I was lying. After this she screamed at me to get out and I said ok and she then yelled if you don't get out now I will call the cops and have you removed. This was a huge problem for me because I am going to school to become a teacher and if something like this were to happen to me my future would be ruined. Everything I have read leads me to believe she has BPD mixed with some severe depression but I don't know what to do. I truly don't care to maintain a relationship with her after this but as far as my siblings are concerned I want/need to be in their lives and I can't leave knowing that they are stuck here with her. I understand that was a lot of info all at once and this was extremely helpful just to let it all out but any feedback or suggestions for how to deal with this would also be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for all of your support.

[vivekananda]

Hi Meek56 

Oh my gosh that was some evening, the culmination of many such evenings I expect. You must feel exhausted trying to sort it all out in your mind and you must feel lonely and sad too. It is so difficult when our parents aren't being the parents we want them to be.

You have come to the right place here. While it may all seem like something has to happen now to fix it all, we find that as we learn about BPD and the tools we can use to help us with the ones we best wishes, things may be able to  improve for our loved ones. And, they can definitely improve for us.

Is anyone in the family seeing a therapist at the moment? I know you mentioned a counsellor was seen in the past, but I'm not sure of that was for you or your dad. What are you doing to take care of yourself Meek56?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[InaMinorRole]

Do you have any other relatives you and your siblings could go stay with for a while? Your father is the one who needs to be dealing with your mom and her suicide threats/mental health issues, not you, you're just a kid. You're doing the best you can and I give you a lot of credit but I don't think this burden should be yours even if the adults in your life aren't stepping up the way they should be. What about family friends?