Husband thinks he is bisexual now

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't been on this board for awhile.  I have been separated from my husband twice now, and I was trying to deal with it rather than get caught up in all the similar stories here.  I was finding that I was always looking for hope here, and maybe using it to avoid my own life.

But got a curve ball thrown at me.  For the last 3years H has been very hard to live with.  Sex disappeared from our r /s, maybe because I didn't even like him much.  I knew he was looking at porn instead, and would get anxious and irritable about getting "space", and pushed me away even more.  I was unhappy and needled him abt the porn and snooped to try to understand what was going on with him.  Wrong, I know.

It got worse and worse, and I moved out around thanksgiving.   Somehow, we still hold onto some kind of friendship and caring for each other underneath it all.  And I see him most days. 

He has told me lately that he is calmer and feels better.  Doesn't want to loose me.  Was unhappy with sex, because he says I am a prude (said as nicely as he could).  And he has been exploring his own sexuality.  Thinks he is bisexual.  Says he hasn't done anything, but I'm not sure people come to this conclusion without doing something.  He also says he thinks the sex stuff is more prominent when he is stressed.   Seemed to think that would help me, but my life is mostly stress with him.  So all he really told me is that when things get rough, he will make them even rougher.

I accepted all this at first.  Maybe it explains some stuff.  In spite of what he thinks, i am fairly open minded.  But I am starting to melt down.  Not only have I lost my home, my partner, I'm starting to feel ... .  crushed.  I thought we would always have a certain respect for each other.  But I feel cheated on, lied to, tossed aside.  And I don't even know what has happened.

[Salut]

I haven't been on this board for awhile.  I have been separated from my husband twice now, and I was trying to deal with it rather than get caught up in all the similar stories here.  I was finding that I was always looking for hope here, and maybe using it to avoid my own life.

But got a curve ball thrown at me.  For the last 3years H has been very hard to live with.  Sex disappeared from our r /s, maybe because I didn't even like him much.  I knew he was looking at porn instead, and would get anxious and irritable about getting "space", and pushed me away even more.  I was unhappy and needled him abt the porn and snooped to try to understand what was going on with him.  Wrong, I know.

It got worse and worse, and I moved out around thanksgiving.   Somehow, we still hold onto some kind of friendship and caring for each other underneath it all.  And I see him most days. 

He has told me lately that he is calmer and feels better.  Doesn't want to loose me.  Was unhappy with sex, because he says I am a prude (said as nicely as he could).  And he has been exploring his own sexuality.  Thinks he is bisexual.  Says he hasn't done anything, but I'm not sure people come to this conclusion without doing something.  He also says he thinks the sex stuff is more prominent when he is stressed.   Seemed to think that would help me, but my life is mostly stress with him.  So all he really told me is that when things get rough, he will make them even rougher.

I accepted all this at first.  Maybe it explains some stuff.  In spite of what he thinks, i am fairly open minded.  But I am starting to melt down.  Not only have I lost my home, my partner, I'm starting to feel ... .  crushed.  I thought we would always have a certain respect for each other.  But I feel cheated on, lied to, tossed aside.  And I don't even know what has happened.

[Gimme Peace]

That was quite a curve ball he threw. I can relate to so much of what you wrote (but my BPDh hasn't made any declarations). The pushing away and infrequent sex sound very familiar, the stress from this keeps building and building over time, with no resolutions. Congrats on

moving out and getting away from it. I'm not there yet.

How are you dealing with the stress? How can you take care of yourself through this while the reality sets in? 

[Clearmind]

I haven't been on this board for awhile.  I have been separated from my husband twice now, and I was trying to deal with it rather than get caught up in all the similar stories here.  I was finding that I was always looking for hope here, and maybe using it to avoid my own life.

The role of bpdfamily Salut, is to learn new ways to deal with BPD/your partner and to also explore your role in the dysfunction.

The board can sometimes be mistakenly used for validation. This is good to a point until such time as we need support to look within for the answers.

We come here for answers about how to fix our partners - when what we need to do is look for ways to fix us, determine what we want... .  so maybe its time to really think about you/your life. You know BPD all too well. You know the facts.

Was unhappy with sex, because he says I am a prude (said as nicely as he could). 

Blaming you! Not on! Very difficult to have a good healthy sex life with an abusive partner/high conflict relationship. It’s the first thing to falter.

And he has been exploring his own sexuality.  Thinks he is bisexual.  Says he hasn't done anything, but I'm not sure people come to this conclusion without doing something.  He also says he thinks the sex stuff is more prominent when he is stressed.   

He maybe using sex to self soothe. BPDs also suffer from identify disturbance.

Seemed to think that would help me, but my life is mostly stress with him.  So all he really told me is that when things get rough, he will make them even rougher.

I accepted all this at first.  Maybe it explains some stuff.  In spite of what he thinks, i am fairly open minded.  But I am starting to melt down.  Not only have I lost my home, my partner, I'm starting to feel ... .  crushed.  I thought we would always have a certain respect for each other.  But I feel cheated on, lied to, tossed aside.  And I don't even know what has happened.

He doesn’t see it as disrespectful Salut. BPD happened – conflict happened – you are unhappy.

Salut, this situation sounds rough on you – what do you want for you. What are the reasons for wanting to work on this?

[Lady31]

Salut,

I am very interested in this topic.  Did you ever have any suspicion he had an attraction to men at all?

[Salut]

Thanks for the responses.  I wrote this last night when feeling pretty low and after a sleepless night, and even then realized I might be looking for validation as clear mind discussed.  But i went to work today , got back in my life, and have not responded to H's phone calls today.  I feel better.

Happyplace, I am trying to take care  of my stress.  I found this place a few years ago, and started seeing a therapist, I have been working on taking care of my own emotions, supporting and validating myself, and self approval since then.   But it is slow and the turn from looking at him to looking at me has been really hard.  I have space now, and my friends seem to be trying to keep me busy.  That is healing, and i go through periods of focusing mainly on my life.  But I still feel bonded to H and find myself wishing things with him could be different.  Some of it is simple stuff, like I want to be able to call him if my car breaks down in bad weather. But I also just miss my life with someone I trusted and cared about (I know that sounds like it conflicts the other things I am saying, but that's what makes life with a BPD so sad and confusing).

This new revelation took me by surprise, although I new he was hiding something.  He handed it out a bit like a peace offering- here's a little truth for you - but it was just disturbing to be so unaware how far he was going down a path completely away from me and our life together.   plus H just got a new puppy, which has been just as unsettling for me.  Now the home I am missing quite a bit also has a puppy in it.  Who can resist a puppy?

Lady31, I didn't expect the bisexual stuff.  H is in his 50's and didn't seem to have those tendencies.  And has always seemed to value fidelity.  But we have separated twice now, and his need for privacy just grew and grew.  I new he was turning to porn, and I imagine he is somewhat addicted to it.  When he does talk to me about it he says he views it as a positive exploration thing that he enjoys.  But I can see he is using it, and that probably means it is escalating.  Has he discovered some real homosexual tendencies, or just found he can be excited by all types of porn? -I don't know. 

Clear mind, thanks for reminding me he doesn't feel like he is being disrespectful.  He is very clear that he doesn't want to keep on hurting me, but he needs to find ways to be happy too (thus the puppy). And he is right about that.  I need to let go and let him live his life.