Moment of Clarity

[Free One]

I see why our exes treat our children the way they do. It makes sense if you look at it in clinical BPD terms.

The underlying issue in a person with BPD is a fear of abandonment. They react to this fear with anger. Fear of abandonment is not uncommon in the general population, nor is reacting to abandonment with anger.

However, in BPD, the person believes that they are unloveable and that everyone will leave them once they discover this "truth". They will take extreme measures to prevent this. Their fear drives them and their coping skills are lacking in some areas that make relationships work. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, in looking at this with uBPDexh and S8, what is happening becomes very clear. Ex is terrified of losing son's love. He will do anything to keep it. The BPD causes him to see people in black and white terms. Either all good, or all bad. There isn't room for error or being human. Loved ones are idealized, until they do something "wrong", then they are painted black.

I am black because I left. In ex's mind, if son sides with me, he will leave too.

It's a self protection mechanism. Ex doesn't know any other way to survive.

This does not justify the behavior, but allows for compassion and to see where the behavior is coming from. It has made me realize how my ex has put my son in the position of "you don't love me if you love mommy." Son has developed a protection mechanism for himself. His biggest fear is losing daddy.

Son thinks he has to "hate" me and be mean and unkind to me for daddy to love him. While it is unbelievable frustrating and exhausting to deal with son's behaviors on a daily basis, I can understand it. I fought for years to earn the love of my ex, and would have done just about anything for it.

I feel so sad for my son.

[tog]

I think you are dead on, and I understand the motivation... .  but it doesn't make me feel compassion for anyone but the child generally.

[DreamGirl]

This does not justify the behavior, but allows for compassion and to see where the behavior is coming from. It has made me realize how my ex has put my son in the position of "you don't love me if you love mommy." Son has developed a protection mechanism for himself. His biggest fear is losing daddy. 

Awww, Free One.

This is such a hard concept to embrace. I think it's so great that you are able to look at it with understanding (and compassion).   

I'm a stepmama, and my stepdaughters' Mama struggled so much with my presence (still does to an extent).

Without pushing my agenda too much, I've tried to express that it's OK to love both parents (and me even).

I think that just because your ex is pushing his black and white thinking (if you love me, you hate mom) that you can push your own thinking, without expressing Dad is "wrong".

He's allowed to love you. He's allowed to love dad. He doesn't have to pick.

Encouraging his relationship with his father while encouraging his relationship with you.

It's so hard, I know.   

~DG

[catsprt]

FO - I was the child of an uBPDm and was able to detect at an early age the manipulations. As a child, I became protective of the one that was targeted, even though the target ended up moving back and forth between the two. A child lacks in maturity to see the whole picture but can still apprehend some elements.

[joanlee]

Free One... .  this is really insightful. I am worried about my adult kids. They're married with children, but they aren't familiar with  BPD. I just discovered it myself. My ex is BPD and alcoholic. So far, they only see the alcoholic part. On the outside they seem like well-adjusted kids, but you don't live with my husband for 36 years and not come away unscathed. I especially worry about my son. He has hardly ever done anything wrong, for fear of upsetting his dad, so he is not a risk-taker. He always takes the path of least resistance. I am torn about whether to tell them about this illness, but I really want them to understand it, and I think it will help them to understand themselves as well. It's just all such a damn shame. Thank you for your insight.