Even Now, I Don't Know What to Say

[Depression = 72% of members]

Background: Some of you know that I have an abusive BPDm. She lives on her own now, while I live with my dad. My siblings have cut off contact, and I am low contact. Because of my PTSD, at this point I can't see her for more than 10 minutes without suffering horrible intrusive thoughts, and great anxiety. I have an event coming up, that I told my BPDm about fleetingly. Silly thing to tell her, but I forgot not to say anything.

My dilemma: I don't know what to tell her now. I don't want BPDm coming to my event. Seeing her triggers me and my brother really badly. She doesn't know when this event is, but if she asks me, I'm not sure what to say. If she misses it, she will find out eventually and will retaliate in some way. She is friends with my boss, and I am trying to stay friendly with my mom so she doesn't ruin my good name. Normally I try to be straight with her, but with this I've just been waiting, hoping it just blows over. Anyone have a good way of phrasing something like this?

[ScarletOlive]

Background: Some of you know that I have an abusive BPDm. She lives on her own now, while I live with my dad. My siblings have cut off contact, and I am low contact. Because of my PTSD, at this point I can't see her for more than 10 minutes without suffering horrible intrusive thoughts, and great anxiety. I have an event coming up, that I told my BPDm about fleetingly. Silly thing to tell her, but I forgot not to say anything.

My dilemma: I don't know what to tell her now. I don't want BPDm coming to my event. Seeing her triggers me and my brother really badly. She doesn't know when this event is, but if she asks me, I'm not sure what to say. If she misses it, she will find out eventually and will retaliate in some way. She is friends with my boss, and I am trying to stay friendly with my mom so she doesn't ruin my good name. Normally I try to be straight with her, but with this I've just been waiting, hoping it just blows over. Anyone have a good way of phrasing something like this?

[DreamGirl]

Normally I try to be straight with her, but with this I've just been waiting, hoping it just blows over. Anyone have a good way of phrasing something like this?

What would "being straight with her" look like?

[GeekyGirl]

Did you invite your mother to the event or just mention that it's coming up? If you just mentioned it without giving her any indication that she's invited and/or she hasn't shown any signs that she's going, I'd let it go and just try to enjoy the event.

If she is under the assumption that she's invited, you'll have to handle things a little differently. Is there anyone at the event that could be a "mom handler," if necessary? In the past, if there were guests that I was concerned about (either because I wasn't sure they'd have a good time or they could behave themselves), I've asked someone to keep an eye on that person or group. Knowing that someone else is there that can help handle your mom might make it a lot easier.

It sounds like you're nervous about your mother's relationship with your boss on top of the upcoming event. Do you think that their relationship could have a negative effect on your job?

[ScarletOlive]

DreamGirl, being straight with her would be saying that I don't want her to come because it would throw me off. I'm struggling to see if that's a good idea in this instance. Not sure.

GeekyGirl, heh, you're very perceptive. I am worried that she'll denigrate me to my boss or others like she's done with my siblings. Although my boss loves me, my mom has scared away some acquaintances of mine and she can be very persuasive. If she has a grudge against us, our friends will usually hear of it.

I didn't invite her but she wants to come, and it's public so anyone can come. I like the idea of a mom watcher. Thank you for the advice.

I think I'm overthinking this. Maybe I need to analyze these feelings. A piece of me wants my mom there to be proud of me. Another piece wants her to be mean so people will see (gah I feel so ashamed of that). More wonders if she will trigger me or show off and make me angry. The rest wonders if she won't come, and then how I'll feel unloved and yet at peace at the same time. Maybe I should just wait and see what she does, and accept these feelings as ok and ride them out.

[BiancaRose]

Maybe I need to analyze these feelings. A piece of me wants my mom there to be proud of me. Another piece wants her to be mean so people will see (gah I feel so ashamed of that).

I understand where the shame comes in, but don't be so hard on yourself. Our BPD moms are very manipulative and tend to mess with our heads. With all the gaslighting and projection and other crazy-making behaviour we're subjected to, it's hard to blame us if we want other people to be able to validate that, no, we didn't just make all this up, they saw it too. It's natural and totally forgivable.

As for the core problem, that's a tough one. A respectful mom would be able to handle being told "I don't want you to come because it would throw me", to recognize that it's not about her, it's about your performance and what you need. This is not likely to happen with a BPD mom. I would either ask some of my friends to come and run interference - the "mom-watcher" - or, quite honestly, not mention it and hope she forgets.

Bottom line, though: it's your event and you deserve to be able to get through it successfully without triggering. Maybe being straight with your mom is a chance to practice sticking up for your rights? I'd say that without hesitation if not for the bit about your boss. Maybe it's worth considering whether you think she'd be reasonable enough to hear you out when you say "Mom was just venting because of this event I asked her to skip because I was nervous and didn't want her distracting me".

[WrongWoman]

One thing that's difficult about this disorder is that often, the people afflicted with it (along with NPDs) are very charming.  My mother is very charming.  She was beautiful as a younger woman, smart, well-read, and just very classy.  If someone met her at an event or in public, they'd think she was positively lovely.  I know that's true because it has happened many times. Even though I've been in N/C or L/C with my mother for 23 years, I have gotten several unsolicited missives from total strangers to the effect of, "I met your mother recently and cannot believe you have shut this lovely lady out of your life!  For shame!"

So no doubt your boss only sees the side of your mother that she chooses to present to him/her.  That aspect seems to often boil down to a no-win situation for the family.  I've got no advice beyond what others have said, but totally understand the frustration.

[ScarletOlive]

BiancaRose, thank you for saying my feelings are understandable. It's helpful that they're feelings and that I can separate them from my true wants.

WrongWoman, mhm my mom can be very charming, especially with her friends. So many times I've seen her switch from very caring with them to very cruel with me.

The update: She emailed and asked. After weighing it all, I said she can come. When she asked for a ride though, I suggested she ride with a friend, which she agreed was best. My brother can avoid her there, I can be MC when I talk to her, and I will have some friends there to hug me and get me through it. They know, and love me. 

Also, after thinking about it, her relationship with my boss is just one example. Mom also could take the family car, leaving me without transportation to work or school. She also has the ability to cut off my college money that she and my dad have set aside as their share (an agreement we had since elementary school, but she threatened to cut it with my brother). In essence, she holds a lot of power cards that she can pull if I break things off with her entirely. I can't lose my long-term over avoiding an evening of triggers. It's hard finding the most prudent thing, but I think I'm doing it.

Thanks for the support guys. I'll update you when the day draws near.

[GeekyGirl]

In essence, she holds a lot of power cards that she can pull if I break things off with her entirely. I can't lose my long-term over avoiding an evening of triggers. It's hard finding the most prudent thing, but I think I'm doing it.

That's a good way to look at it. You've had a few successes in setting boundaries, so hopefully you're getting more comfortable negotiating with your mother.

You're also setting a foundation for the long term right now. You mother won't always have control over your transportation and finances. Keep that in mind. It won't always be this way.