Knowing your ex is perfectly content without you

[SarahinMA]

It's been a year since my ex walked out.  He cruelly and coldly dumped me.  We've been in absolute NC for about 4 months now, once seeing him out and he looking at me coldly- like I was a stranger.  Today, I randomly saw a picture of him on FB... .  it was a shock.  He looked so happy.  He is having the time of his life without me... .  after telling me over and over how much he loved me and how he wanted a future with me.  Now he has new friends, a new possible girlfriend.  I've had so many other friends date, break up, and either get back together or stay friends.  I'm in my 30's.  When friend after friend told me he would regret it, shocked that he had dumped me, I agreed.  He's just going through something, I thought.  His father passed away a month before he broke up with me.  I figured he was freaking out.  But no. I flew with him across country to California to attend the funeral with him.  None of his other friends were there. 

He has never once apologized for anything- blaming me for everything and never once regretted it.  I was never recycled.  He found others to attach to and let them take the lead. 

How can I move past this?  How can I trust anyone again.  He left when things were good.  He just devalued me and peaced out.  I was devastated.  I've been doing so well, until I saw that picture.

[struggli]

I've been dealing with the same thing.  My ex has an entourage and a line of guys who want to be with her.  The vultures were swarming when we were together.  She is pretty and will get her way always.  I've watched it happen over and over. 

I don't have a good answer for you.  Maybe someone with a seasoned mind full of wisdom can offer better support. 

Some may say "He is hurting inside despite what pictures you see or what you may hear about him."  I'm having a hard time believing that philosophy right now.

I understand your pain and I hope you will be ok.

[RedCandle]

Facebook is PhotoShop for real life... .  

You can create ANY kind of image on it... .  and project it out into the world.

I know how seeing those pictures feels... .  

I also know that in the depths of my ex's alcoholism and depression... .  you would have thought, based on FB, that he was having the time of his life... .  

Its FAR from reality for most.

On MY FB right now... .  you'd think I was carefree... .  traveling, laughing, meeting new people... .  

Reality? I'm on bpdfamily.com trying to figure out how to heal my broken heart... .  

Case and point.

[SarahinMA]

Thanks struggli and good point Redcandle.  He's never had FB (thank goodness) but we have SO many mutual friends.  I've been so careful not to check those who he hangs out with the most, but one just popped up on my newsfeed.  I know he has has his own inner demons, but I struggle with the cold weather currently in the north east- it just makes me miss those happy days.  I try to stay hopeful that I will meet someone better that won't just tell me what I want to hear, but I spark so infrequently with men.  Oh, the roller coaster of life.  I pray that we all get through these hard days. 

[seeking balance]

Facebook is PhotoShop for real life... .  

You can create ANY kind of image on it... .  and project it out into the world.

I know how seeing those pictures feels... .  

I also know that in the depths of my ex's alcoholism and depression... .  you would have thought, based on FB, that he was having the time of his life... .  

Its FAR from reality for most.

On MY FB right now... .  you'd think I was carefree... .  traveling, laughing, meeting new people... .  

Reality? I'm on bpdfamily.com trying to figure out how to heal my broken heart... .  

Case and point.

RedCandle - this is one of the simplest, yet powerful examples of FB I have seen... .  perfect.

SarahinMA - I stopped going on FB when my ex and I separated, it only caused pain

How can I move past this?  How can I trust anyone again.  He left when things were good.  He just devalued me and peaced out.  I was devastated.  I've been doing so well, until I saw that picture.

. 

You asked a great question, how do you move on?

First, why is his happiness tied to making you sad? I find these answers in the 10 false beliefs that keep us stuck - https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm

A few months ago, I found out my ex was having a baby with the person that replaced me... .  I was devistated.  Honestly, it hurt like hell and I know all the facts and logical stuff, I know how to grieve, etc.

So, why did it hurt?  The truth - if I were in love and had my own kid, it may have stung... but not to the degree it did.  False belief 1 - this person was the key to our happiness.  Truthfully, I want to be in love, but I no longer have that easy, carefree attitude about it.  I was hurt badly and I am healing.  I can date, but I am guarded, thus it is just going to take longer - it is that simple.

Does this knowledge stop the pain?  No

Does this mean go find someone now?  No

It means that in life sometimes bad things happen and sometimes it is totally unfair.  So, we pick up and do the best we can and we have faith things will change.  No magic pill, no magic answer.

We can control opening up the wounds - perhaps stay away from his FB pages  - it is really only going to hurt you.  What made you look anyways?  Were you already feeling lonely by chance?

I am sorry you are in pain. 

Peace,

SB

[staystrong]

Know that a person with BPD is NOT OK regardless of how they look or how happy the days seem to be.  Disconnect from FB (I think you are not connected to your ex), ask friends to defriend your ex (sounds childish, but explain that you have to cut off all contact). If they do not defriend the ex, defriend them, since his posts will appear on their pages, and when you check their pages, he will appear.

My exGF came at me for years with extremely passive aggressive FB posts, text messages, and emails and at one point "accidentally" sent me her wedding plans (a mere 6 months after our breakup).  If you think seeing a happy face on your ex seems hurtful now, you will feel some serious pain when you see the cliche "engaged!" post on his newsfeed. Disconnect now.  Have all your friends do the same.  Know that you've just swam away from a shipwreck.  Do not turn back.  Do not feel guilty.  Just swim and get to shore. 

My exGF had me way out in deep water, during a storm, trying to rescue her after her mother died (odd coincidence) and she just left me out there, wondering what the f- just happened.  It reminded me of the lines from Casablanca:

"Rick: [scoffs] You understand how I feel. How long was it we had, honey?

Ilsa: [on the verge of tears] I didn't count the days.

Rick: Well, I did. Every one of 'em. Mostly I remember the last one. The wow finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out."

Rick lives for so long with the pain.  Don't be like Rick.  Pain cannot be controlled, but it is your choice about whether or not to suffer.

[Numbers]

On MY FB right now... .  you'd think I was carefree... .  traveling, laughing, meeting new people... .  

Reality? I'm on bpdfamily.com trying to figure out how to heal my broken heart... .  

Spot on. In lots of cases, Facebook is a projection of own imagined self. A BPD in itself

[Beenreplaced]

SarahinMA,

I don't respond very often on these boards anymore but do check from time to time.  Your scenario sounds exactly like mine and I wanted to respond to you.  It has been 1.5 years since my ex of 7 years walked out and never returned.  I suffered the same absolute NC, never recycled, blamed for everything and was immediately replaced.  I have never heard from him again.  He just went on without a hitch.  New girlfriend, friends without a thought about "us" while I was left dumped, hurt, shell shocked, etc.  It really, really hurt.  Still hurts sometimes but it is not a constant feeling anymore.  I don't know your whole story but you have to realize that this disorder causes them to devalue those that are closest to them.  Unknown to you there were probably signficant periods of shame, disappointment and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship.  They have to project these feelings somewhere and the somewhere is now you.   You have become the very reason for these terrible feelings as he has cast them off onto you.  It is nothint that you did, it is not personal, it is the disorder.  I am sure he "looked" extremely happy when he was with you too but look at what happened.  To know your future with someone you have to look at somone's past.   During my relationship with my ex and during the break up I found out that he had resented me for almost a year.  I was shocked.  I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.  He was still so "sweet" to me, telling me he loved me and going about the relationship as usual.  So you see he has to keep up appearances and FB is a great place to do that.  I too look at FB sometimes and it used to hurt but I now see things, know the disorder and actually see it playing out.  You will get there it is just going to take more time.   

BeenReplaced

P.S.  I understand the "cold weather" struggle as I live in the Northeast too.  Brrrrr! 

[waitaminute]

If you had left them, it's no easier. An r/s with a BPD has pain associated with it. There are several things of value on this board. One of them is helping you cope with the pain. The other is reinforcement that the breakup is your exit to a better life.

[SarahinMA]

Thanks all so much.  I don't know what I would do without these boards.  I try not to discuss my pain with friends anymore- they're over it.  But I try to explain that this wasn't a normal breakup. 

Take care all!

S

[beachgirl009]

If you had left them, it's no easier. An r/s with a BPD has pain associated with it. There are several things of value on this board. One of them is helping you cope with the pain. The other is reinforcement that the breakup is your exit to a better life.

Agreed. Left mine and it is not easy. And since I did creep on Instagram this week and saw a new woman being called baby, it's been rough. I have to stop looking for my own sanity.

[myself]

If I knew my ex was 'perfectly content' without me, it would make this whole situation that much more acceptable. The pain we both have felt would have been more worthwhile. If my not being with her somehow makes that possible, I'm glad to have 'taken this bullet for her'. I'm pretty sure she's not content, though. Didn't seem to be before me, wasn't while she had someone in her life who was actually there for her and loved her (ME), and most likely isn't feeling that much better now that we're apart.

I wish she could. I hope she does someday.

Best thing to do is focus on our own contentment, now.