Reflective listening.

[Chattgirl]

Today after a three month break up I was able to communicate with my bp. Instead of allowing my emotions to take over and start defending myself I zipped my mouth closed and REALLY listened. The things my bp said almost sounded like a code in a foreign language but I listened to what was under the strange remarks. I learned that my bp feels he can't trust anyone. He told me he didn't trust what anyone said. He told me that he felt like no one ever listened to him when he talked. He said that he felt unloved and unwanted. He said that he was afraid of being taken advantage of by showing me his love and sadest of all my bp said that he couldn't tolerate any stress that his life was overwhelming and he felt tired of living. When I see his feelings It makes my hurt seem smaller. If I had not listened to the underlying feelings of what he was saying I would have became angry and defensive. He was unable to come right out and say these things but I still heard them through his acussing and jealous words. I am so relieved to get some true insight into his feelings and I believe he gained a small bit of insight too!  I have so many hopes and dreams for my bp .  I would do anything for his complete healing.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

Improving my listening skills over the past 4 months has made a tremendous difference in our relationship.

My pwBPD has been trying to provide me with understanding and insight into his thinking.  He seems to appreciate having a place to vent and discuss anything. 

The hardest part I had with truly just listening to him is that I have to let the words pass over me.  I have to accept many of the things he says are to get them out of his head.  He means them at the moment but after times passes, he doesn't remember them. 

Good luck.

[LetItBe]

I've had a similar experience, not surprisingly.  Everyone wants to be heard.  Better listening on my behalf seems to be leading to more trust on his behalf.  He is also trying to provide me with insight into his thought processes and what he's doing to shift the ones that he sees aren't serving him. 

I hope we all find peace and understanding.

[waverider]

Zipping it without trying provide answers is often one of the best things you can do.

[Joseph54]

Listening is the only way to understand and love someone. To truly love someone I must truly understand them. I also want to be loved and understood.

The more I listen, the more I understand.

My relationship improved when I walked away from the abusive anger she released towards me and only listened when she calmed down to the state of being a respectful person.

Actions as well as words are powerful communicators.

The more she listens, the more she understands.

The tools in this site are very good.

My relationship has improved greatly.

The success of others reassures me there is hope for both of us.

Joe