Dealing with my anger at other Nons in my life

[mamachelle]

I first came here in 2005 and went through a divorce and into remarriage in 07. I married a Non and we both bonded over our ExBPD's.  now I find myself the primary mom to my 3Ss and 3 bio kids. All live with us. I am so resentful sometimes of my mother in law and sister in law who do not help me but they were there for my H during and for year after the divorce and so I assumed help would continue through the years.

Now  i am on the job, i get close to nothing. My NonH is good and helps a lot but suffering from depression that he just powers through but uses as an excuse to forget and tune out his kids. Ignoring their aberrant behaviors. His depression he jokes about but it's really frustrating.

So my codependency and remarriage to a non  has made me into super mom. I need to to get past my resentment at the nons in my life that are blood relations to my step sons and capable of helping way more but don't. These are intense kids abandoned by mom for the most part. I hear from the non in laws things like "wow. I don't know how you do it " I hear boys BPD mom blamed for bad prenatal care!  I hear how my sis in law has taken up crocheting and making fancy cakes! I hear my nonH blame exBPD w for his current feelings of not having accomplished  enough in his life!

I have to practically beg my sis in law who has 1 kid and former social worker and crocheting and cooking for fun to pick up my SS 8 and 10 once a week during school year for dinner.

I have involved therapists and doctors and my own parents via phone who are very supportive and worry about me.

why am I the only one really listening and helping these kids?

And how can I get past my anger and disappointment.

Maybe this is the wrong board for this but I've been really struggling with this when I do have a quiet moment to myself.

It bubbles to the surface every time I see them. I feel a lot of resentment that they live in a bubble and don't acknowledge these kids needs.

My parents think I need to give nonH more responsibility but then nothing gets done and kids suffer and I do as a result.

Did I mention I have a job as well that is very flexible but still?

[yeeter]

Hi Mama,

Unfortunately, I dont have any magic answers.  Maybe try to work through what would happen if you just didnt do some things?  (meaning, be sure you arent enabling the behavior).  Then also, if others do jump in and help you have to be ok with whatever way they do it (which might not meet your standards - but as long as no health implications then its all good)

Otherwise all I can say is to listen very closely to the resentment.  Resentment is a relationship killer, and I believe we each are responsible for preventing it.  What will it take to prevent resentment from creeping in?

As for the MIL and SIL - they helped your husband out during a time of transition for him.  Nice of them.  But at the same time, these arent their kids so no doubt they do not feel compelled to raise them.

6 kids are an infinite amount of work.  Are you able to prioritize any time for yourself?

(I just went through this conversation with a close friend that has two young children.  He was lamenting that his life has changed, no time to himself, work suffers relative to the hours he once put in, his single friends have dropped him and dont get the time commitment - ALL true.  Just the reality of having children.  The only way not to become completely swallowed is to define/schedule some of your own time and make this happen no matter what)

[ambi]

Blended families are really difficult.  My situation was similar to yours, only he was the BPD husband. I was the angriest person I'd ever met after a while.  I hated coming home.  And, I had a large amount of guilt regarding my bio kids for what they had to put up with and how it might be influencing their development.  My anger and resentment kept building until I was able to change the situation. 

There are no easy answers and no short cuts.  If you want it to work, you might want to look into some family counseling where you all go as a group to learn to set and enforce household boundaries, roles and responsibilities in the household.  MC also might be a way to support the differences you and your H are experiencing as well as to get him what he needs for his depression.  


They don't call blended families "life in the blender" for no reason.

[Rose Tiger]

It's learning how to get to assertive without going all the way to aggression.  When I was with exhusband, I was over in the compliant doormat position.  Hated conflict.  Wanted everyone to be happy.  I was Miss Fix it.  Now that I'm divorced, I'm a bit sensitive to people treating me like a doormat.  I've taken steps with teen, at work with coworkers, with boundaries.  Sometimes I go too harsh and blow it.  But it's a learning experience.  Ok, too harsh, take it down a notch.  We do teach people how to treat us.  If you are feeling like me, then you do not want to be in the doormat corner but don't want to damage relationships by jumping into the aggression mode.  Finding that balance of assertiveness, healthy assertiveness, is the key.  It is stepping back and letting some things fall apart. 

Do you have a counselor to help you work through this?

[mamachelle]

I truly appreciate your 3 wise replies. I knew there was a reason I was drawn back here once again to get some help and help some others hopefully.

After BPD mom moved away SIL and MIL said oh how wonderful. Then my step sons all became very distressed but in different ways. We have since learned that SS15 andSS10 have serious issues that are not going away with just talk therapy and tough love... When kids are little and BPD mom is all drama then kids problems are masked or explained away. As soon as she left I got the kids into more intense therapy, neuropsych testing, which led to meds and behavior therapy. My oldest SS 15 was in hospital last year for a month as he was slipping into suicidal psychosis. He is now in a wonderful public school program for kids with communication disorders like autism. He is getting more support as a freshman than he ever got as a kid and its all me pushing and pushing back at the schools who wanted to put him in with the kids with felonies at first.

It just rattles me and others close to me that SS 15 who has had autistic behaviors for years and should have had therapy as a preschooler but didn't. SIL is a social worker that worked with kids and she now feels guilty that she never recognized the obvious signs that something was wrong. I had her suport at first but when i really really started looking for answers she would change her story to normalize the kids and make it seem it was all BPD mom fault. SS15 rolled around the carpet moaning and crying at a family dinner last thnksgiving my MIL told my H we should get him a dog!

Anyway, I digress. I married into a family that was steeped in AA philosophies. H dad was alcoholic abusive but then reformed and became a leader in the AA world attending meetings all the time.helping others.

I know my MIL has some Narcissitc traits and SIL is just frightened of the world on some levels. I have a toddler now with H and neither MIL or SIL bonded with him well. They frightened him. That bothers me too. They come on too strong all these intense smiles. Promises from SIL to babysit but that never once has been offered. It's ok but still, as a working mom and her a stay at home mom, the fact that at my shower she told all the ladies I would have her help was all just a load if well intentioned bs.

They won't change.

I need to .

I love all my kids bio and step.

maybe MC with right person would help. My H won't deal with his Depression and so maybe me being able to offer that would show that its not a joke.

I have a great therapist since 1999. We do phone therapy every few weeks lately since last fall when I thought I would explode.

Thanks for help again. It's serious family splitting stuff that I think we can avoid hopefully. My bio daughters love their life now as teens and are thriving so I am also trying to keep them in mind that they are actually happy.

[yeeter]

My bio daughters love their life now as teens and are thriving so I am also trying to keep them in mind that they are actually happy.

. 

This is huge.  You are doing something right, so don't forget to feel good about this.