My lovely girl left in November 2012.

[mango_flower]

My new dilemma - My lovely girl left in November 2012.  She has moved away (full story elsewhere on this board).  Partly due to the fact that I hurt her by wanting to postpone our wedding (money reasons, family reasons).  She took it as a sign I didn't love her, even though I do, more than life itself.  

She said it was the hardest thing she has ever done, as she loved me so very much, but that it was right.  That something inside of her died that day.  

She moved away, had a breakdown of sorts, and moved away to where some of her work friends are.  She is now seeing one of that group (another girl, we were a same sex couple).  I've had a few "crumbs" thrown at me, e.g. 2 weeks ago it was "XXXX song just came on, thought of you x".  I didn't bite.  But I HAVE reassured her I am still in love with her.

What I would like to know is this - I want her back.  That's for sure. But I don't know what to do for the best.  The past 8 days she hasn't texted me at all.  Facebook updates and statuses tell me she has moved on - with this girl tagged in every single one

We were HAPPY, on cloud 9 before the wedding debacle.  I was her first love.  Yet she seems happy now with this girl.  This breaks my heart.  (Although she isn't 100% happy generally I guess, as a few days ago her status was "really have had enough now!" (not sure what about).

So, I know a lot of you have good experience with BPD people... .  

What is the best way to play this?

1) Leave her alone to see how her new relationship pans out?  And hope that it doesn't work and she'll start missing me and realise what she had?  The problem is that the longer I leave it, the more settled she will get... .  and will probably find a job (she is looking).  And I run the risk of her falling 100% for this new girl and the memories of me will fade.  If they haven't already.  Then I guess she will never come back... .  will she?  But maybe she needs to do this, to realise what we had.

2) Email her NOW saying how much I love her and want her.  She always said I didn't fight for her, but I have a feeling she'd just be annoyed at me and she'd think I was trying to mess her head up (it would upset her I think too?). But at the same time, is it best to try and get back in there before she really gets settled?  

A bit more background - I feel she is slipping away from me more and more each day... .  I don't know if it's too late already - she seems very "in" with this girl and lives with her (in a shared house with another girl).

I know it's a long shot... .  I'm trying not to get my hopes up as chances are slim. But I love her and don't want to give up.

I also don't know what I should be replying when I get a text such as "hi, how are you? x".  I want to tell her how broken I am... .  how I can't live without her... .  but I don't know if the truth is best.  Is it better to say "I'm great thanks!" and lie?  Cos then she will say I never loved her at all... .  

Any advice welcome!

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[mango_flower]

A little more info:

I have stayed low profile the last few days.  Not commented/posted on facebook at all.  I wonder if this has contributed to her sudden upping the statuses tagging the new girl and all her friends?

She does seem genuinely happy with her though - she usually moans on facebook so I know if she isn't happy... .  it does feel like she's moving on.

I just wonder if there is an element of trying to make a point to me, cos she knows I'm probably lurking... .  

Also, she is intolerant to chocolate as it makes her underlying health problem flare up a bit - and she uploaded a picture of herself with a chocolate bar, and commented "yummy - more chocolate to follow after this!" which just seems weird. I always bought her chocolate substitutes and really supported her once we found out she didn't do well on it... .  I just found that strange.

[babyducks]

I don't know that I have any advice to offer.  I can certainly understand your confusion and pain.   

My same sex partner and I  split on the first of the year.  Over the same topic.  Me delaying our wedding because I was coping with uncertainties and family issues.   

I haven't followed your posts so I don't know if you are seeing anyone to help you through this difficult time.  I would suggest it as worth the time and investment.  Most friends and family don't understand the complexities of dealing with this type of relationship.

The best thing you can do here, for both of you, for yourself and the partner you love so much is make every possible effort to take care of yourself. 

I am trying to use this time apart to clear my own head, deal with my own depression, and make sense of the rollar coaster ride I have just been on. 

If my future holds any changes it will be because both of us are committed to making it happen, and I can only hold up my share of that committment right now.

best of luck.

[Somewhere]

Guess you know . . .  it is/was a fear of rejection -- so shoot you first.

Works for them, I guess.

But no way you are going to get clean from this wallowing in the mud.

Stay for a while if you must, but that is no life for you. 

[Elsegundo]

I'm sorry you're feeling sad and confused. 

About your initial question: Which choice will make you feel like you're taking care of and honoring yourself?

That's what you should do.  And if you don't know, don't make a choice yet.  There's no "right" answer, only what works for you.  Don't forget to breathe.

[AllyCat7]

Hi MangoFlower,

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like you are dealing with a situation similar to mine--a quiet borderline/internalizer a.k.a. waif.

They aren't as clingy as the externalizers/ragers. Instead, they are the opposite. They flake out on you at the drop of a hat, am I right? I also got vibes from my guy that he wanted me to fight for him when he would flake out on me... .  even if his flaking out was caused by me being legitimately upset by him. I did fight for him in the past, and it worked. I'm at a point now where I don't want to anymore. I've done it for over a year (he fought for it during the first year, so I felt I owed him my solid effort). But we're at a standstill now and no one is making a move. I think we're both tired. I don't know where things will go from here.

But if you do still want this and want to make it work, I would suggest the following. If you have not let her know how much you still love her and miss her lately, then you should tell her. Write that e-mail telling her how much she means to you, but make sure not to sound blaming or critical in it. Just make it about how much you  miss and love her. You can even bring up some nice memories you two shared. Then you will have to let go. So towards the end of the email, tell her that the ball is now in her court but that you will respect whatever decision she makes. Then wish her well and good luck with everything. Then you send it and just wait. The trick here is that you have to be 100% willing in your heart to set her free should that be her decision. If she does not reply to you, do not chase her. Just let it go.

I did this once with my guy and it worked. I laid it all out. Spilled my guts, and then I said goodbye. He emailed me the next day and we were back on. A lot of things got muddled since then, which is why we're where we are now. But at the time, it worked. I hope your relationship is more functional than mine was . Since you were at the wedding-planning stages, I'm assuming it was, so that's nice. If she does come back, though, and things are back on, I think you may want to discuss couple's therapy with her. Don't accuse her of having BPD or tell her to go herself. Suggest it as a couple. Therapy will be the best way to ensure your relationship has potential and she won't act so destructively, but, as we all know, with pwBPD there are no guarantees.

Good luck! And let us know how it goes :-)