Attachment Style and Intimacy as an Adult Child

[student99]

I am a 23 year old female who is the adult child of a BPD mother. Before delving into the specifics of my current attachment difficulties/questions, here is some background info:

I remember thinking when I was 5 years old that my mother was not safe for me to be around. When I was growing up I had the classic symptoms of a child of a borderline mom: I was anxious, hypervigilant, didn't trust my memory, anticipated volatility in others, etc. However, I had other symptoms as well: I had trichotillomania, I wouldn't let anyone touch me from ages 5-17, started drinking heavily when I was 12, had clinical depression from ages 10-21 (started getting treatment when I was 17), I had a lot of self-harm and suicidal tendencies from ages 7?-19 (e.g., head banging, cutting), I had some mild OCD symptoms when I was a teenager, I wouldn't socialize with other kids, I would continuously try to be close to older women (and then of course be disappointed), and I had virtually no sexuality until I was 21. I kept all of these symptoms/behaviors a secret because I knew that they would not be addressed sensitively by my family.

When I was 18, I moved away to college. I was still depressed, and until I was 21, much of my time was spent in a survivalist mode. When I was 21, I was hospitalized (self admitted) with some trauma/depression symptoms that were new and confusing to me. In the hospital, I met the most amazing psychiatrist (who also does therapy), who I have been seeing since then. I have been on medication since being in the hospital, and my depression symptoms have lessened tremendously. For the past couple years, I have not been in a survivalist mode, and have therefore had room to focus on other aspects of my life. One big theme that is currently very intense and confusing is my attachment relationship with my mom and the repercussions of it. I most likely have a disorganized attachment style, and now that I have a sexuality and the room to explore intimacy (both sexual and nonsexual), I have been experiencing some rather confusing and intense feelings/behaviors.

I have incredible difficulty speaking about specific experiences related to intimacy (e.g., desires, behaviors). I can't make eye contact when I speak about it (I have difficulty making eye contact when I'm vulnerable anyway), and I dissociate. I often shake and cry even just thinking about having desires for intimacy in the presence of my therapist, and I become physically fearful of people. I have an immense amount of shame surrounding physical affection, and I frequently ask my therapist if she thinks I'm disgusting or repulsive. If I cuddle with a friend who I feel relatively safe with, I notice the following cycle: I feel safe and calm, then I feel like I need to leave, and then I feel frozen and have self-harm imagery. I essentially feel guilty, full of shame, and disgusting for wanting gentleness and affection. When I experience gentleness and affection with someone, I completely shut down.

Has anybody had similar experiences? Has anybody experienced difficulties with intimacy based on insecure maternal attachment? Has anyone experienced PTSD-like symptoms when addressing feelings of intimacy? My apologies for the long post. If you need clarification on anything, feel free to ask.

[Satori]

A lot of what you say here sounds shockingly familiar to me. I never thought of myself as having a problem with attachment; I was very attached to my mother. However, I had many of the problems you describe, or similar ones (for me it was a rather severe case of dermatillomania rather than trichotillomania). I also have a lot of shame about being vulnerable and needing affection, let alone sexual contact, heaven forbid. When I was your age (I'm 40 now) I dealt with this in a much less healthy fashion than you seem to be doing, by acting brazen against my nature and being sort of physically aggressive with people -- not violent, but seductive and overly affectionate, no real boundaries. Basically I forced myself to do things that I was uncomfortable with and didn't necessarily want. I was not even aware of having any sort of authentic sexuality until the age of 30. For years I thought, based on my issues, that I must have been molested and suppressed the memories. I don't think that anymore, but I do wonder where all this came from. I'm curious to know what your psychiatrist has to say about this sort of thing.

[student99]

Dear Satori:

Thank you for your post. I'm sorry you've gone through all that, but it sounds like you're doing better now. What's interesting about this whole experience, is that my psychiatrist is not entirely sure yet what's going on. They are clearly trauma-like symptoms, but I have no memory of molestation or sexual abuse of any kind. Have you ever talked to a therapist about your experiences with intimacy?

[thespacebetween]

WOW ... I feel like I could have written a lot of that myself.  You are more insightful then I , but I have a lot of the same issues and am a bit shocked in some ways to see I am not alone in them.   I always believed( still do perhaps? ) that I had some sort of sexual trauma or abuse I cannot remember. I knwo my mother was hyerp sexual and there are some areas , memories I believe, that I am not ready to even deal with, but Again, I am new to working through all of this and making sense of it all, and I guess it stuns me and yet comforts me to read similair experiences.   I have not gotten to the point where I am comfortable discussing intimacy with my therapist. I still am unable to discuss some topics, mainly fromt he feelings of shame and that I appear to be disgusting to others.

[student99]

Dear thespacebetween: It comforts me too to know that I'm not the only one who experiences this. Can you tell me a little more about yourself? What is your relationship to BPD? I myself am very uncomfortable discussing intimacy with my therapist; this is a relatively new topic for me as well. I'm barely able to get out a sentence about it during a session. I'm going to try a new technique where I do a freewrite and then give it to my therapist at the beginning of the session. I'm not sure if that'll help, but it's worth a shot. How long have you been seeing your therapist? Btw, I wonder as well if I have had some sort of sexual abuse or trauma that I cannot remember because my reactions to affection resemble those of someone who has had such an experience.

[thespacebetween]

HI!   I have been seeing this therapist for almost 4 yrs now.  Me and my husband ( I am 37, married 8 yrs with 3 kids)... .  were having trouble and we sought her out as a marriage counselor... .  and my husband has some severe childhood drama with his parnets and siblings as well and disassociates frequently... .  one day she gave us both a test on it, quiz like and realized I scored worse then he did, and I started to slowly take about my childhood. It took a good 2 yrs for me to REALLY talk about it, I would disassociate so bad, I couldn't even discuss it.  I have come SO SO far.  I was honestly a complete mess, still am, but she really has helped save my life and I am really working on goign back and resolving it all.

So basically my mom is the BPD , she has no been diagnosed, but my therapist believes she is, I am a social work student and I KNOW she is , and some Dr's have mentioned it to my mom in the past, she denys it, thinks they are the crazy ones... .  , she was a single mom, I was an only child. She was extremly neglectful, she moved us in with my 85 yr old great grandmother so she could party, do drugs, stay out all night, we had something like 25 feral cats, a flea infested slum of a house, she never picked up a hand to clean , or do laundry or clean me. I didnt even know how to brush my teeth for a long time.  I had a ton of childhood issues from OCD to nervous tics, tourettes, bed wetting, suicidal ideation ( at 10!) , lying... .  it moved on through the years to eating disorders, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and social anxiety, lying, stealing etc.    Yet I hide most of it, My behavior never hurts anyone, I only hurt myself.  I am ( was) consumed with being the good kid, the good student, the good wife, the good mother, the good friend etc.

I cannot take a compliment which is about as intimate as I let my therapist get right now. She complimented me on my grades for last semester at school and I started to cry out of embarassment , because I could not FEEL happy, I feel ashamed, and I feel gross and disgusting and well... you get the point I bet?

My mother and I were very co-dependant, once I married and had kids, her behavior became really hurtful. I can do nothing right. I cannot feed my kids right, dress them right etc.   She lives downstairs from us ( long story) and its really not healthy ( and being worked on)... .  She says nothing nice EVER, every single thing is negative, she has extreme fears and phobias, and she is a pathological liar.  She thinks everyone is wrong, and its everyones fault but hers.   She will never believe she has any issues, or problems.  She honestly behaves like a 15 yr old child in my mind most days.   She has a lot of narrcisstic traits as well. 

Thats my story in a nutshell : ) 

As far as intimacy, I dont know what it really is about. I have WRACKED my brain trying to remember any sexual abuse or contact and I don't find it. Yet I "feel" it is there. So I dont trust my memory. I do know my mother was very sexual. VERY and that could be in. I knew it, I saw it and I couldnt understand it, so perhaps that caused this?  She also would get dressed in front of me, and say innapropriate things to me, and we also shared a bed till I was 13. She was honestly too lazy to go buy me a seperate bed.     

I always had issues sexually with my boyfriends, and I always feel used after sex. ALWAYS. Even when I want it. I feel horrible about it for a multitude of reasons. 

I have a very difficult time discussing it and IDK how long it will be till I can brooch that area with my therapist, I feel somedays I will be int herapy forever, so I might as well put it off. LOL

Anyway, it is good to not feel alone in this.  IDK if my story helps at all, but I don't mind sharing details and think if it could help anyone at all to feel less alone I will happily tell it.