It is so very difficult - questioning my sanity, feeling guilty.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It hurts really really bad. I am LC for approximate 2 months, given that we are finalizing our divorce and leaving in the same house. During this period, I made my intention clear that I am tired of the roller coaster and I wanted to get off, and seek divorce. Thereafter, she proceeded to remove me and my entire family from her FB accounts and appeared not to be affected by my decision to end the marriage.

During this period, we passed our anniversary, Christmas holidays and NY holidays without contacting each other, or seeing each other. Towards the end of last month, she changed her stance from wanting to give me divorce to making it hell for me, by refusing to move out of my house (even though she got rented an apartment nearby; it was her decision to live separately), threatening to take me to court for alimony/maintenance.

The arguments got really nasty, and I had to walk her out of the apartment when she threatened to involve her lawyers and make it very difficult - I figured she may as well make it difficult by not living under my roof. Next thing I know, she went to the cops and cited to them that I threw her out of the house. I explained to the cops about the situation, and they didnt take any sides and left it to our lawyers to resolve the matter.

Now fast forward 3 weeks post the police fiasco, she now tells me that she only tried to be stubborn and made my life miserable because she still harboured hopes of us being together. It was only when she saw that I didnt want her back in her life any-more, did she finally decide to let go, instead of trying to force me to accept her.

She also tells me that there is another guy who has proposed marriage to her, but she hasnt accepted nor declined his proposal. And is waiting for the divorce to conclude, before she makes up her mind.

The divorce has been filed, and we are awaiting a final court hearing date. But all this is now making me feel guilty. I realise this could be another push/pull cycle, but at the same time I am questioning whether it is healthy for anyone to push someone to the extreme of threatening them with lawsuits and taking them to the cops on the guise of forcing the husband to accept his wife.

Am really in pieces at the moment; I thought I was holding up pretty well but I was fooling myself... .  

[Omniverse]

It hurts really really bad. I am LC for approximate 2 months, given that we are finalizing our divorce and leaving in the same house. During this period, I made my intention clear that I am tired of the roller coaster and I wanted to get off, and seek divorce. Thereafter, she proceeded to remove me and my entire family from her FB accounts and appeared not to be affected by my decision to end the marriage.

During this period, we passed our anniversary, Christmas holidays and NY holidays without contacting each other, or seeing each other. Towards the end of last month, she changed her stance from wanting to give me divorce to making it hell for me, by refusing to move out of my house (even though she got rented an apartment nearby; it was her decision to live separately), threatening to take me to court for alimony/maintenance.

The arguments got really nasty, and I had to walk her out of the apartment when she threatened to involve her lawyers and make it very difficult - I figured she may as well make it difficult by not living under my roof. Next thing I know, she went to the cops and cited to them that I threw her out of the house. I explained to the cops about the situation, and they didnt take any sides and left it to our lawyers to resolve the matter.

Now fast forward 3 weeks post the police fiasco, she now tells me that she only tried to be stubborn and made my life miserable because she still harboured hopes of us being together. It was only when she saw that I didnt want her back in her life any-more, did she finally decide to let go, instead of trying to force me to accept her.

She also tells me that there is another guy who has proposed marriage to her, but she hasnt accepted nor declined his proposal. And is waiting for the divorce to conclude, before she makes up her mind.

The divorce has been filed, and we are awaiting a final court hearing date. But all this is now making me feel guilty. I realise this could be another push/pull cycle, but at the same time I am questioning whether it is healthy for anyone to push someone to the extreme of threatening them with lawsuits and taking them to the cops on the guise of forcing the husband to accept his wife.

Am really in pieces at the moment; I thought I was holding up pretty well but I was fooling myself... .  

[Omniverse]

Also I wish to understand if this behaviour is unique just to my wife or is common out there. She believes that by hating me or doing things that are construed as hate, will get me back into the relationship. I mean it has the opposite effect - when I see her acting all like Satan reincarnated, shouting at the top of her lungs or throwing things around, or even threatening me with lawsuits - it just makes me run for the hills.

Yet here I am, pondering over what my wife mentioned some days back - that she only made my life a misery, cuz she still felt there was hope for our relationship.

Anyone care to explain this to me? Or have I lost it? Looks like I may well have stepped into the fog again... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Also I wish to understand if this behaviour is unique just to my wife or is common out there. She believes that by hating me or doing things that are construed as hate, will get me back into the relationship. I mean it has the opposite effect - when I see her acting all like Satan reincarnated, shouting at the top of her lungs or throwing things around, or even threatening me with lawsuits - it just makes me run for the hills.

Yet here I am, pondering over what my wife mentioned some days back - that she only made my life a misery, cuz she still felt there was hope for our relationship.

Anyone care to explain this to me? Or have I lost it? Looks like I may well have stepped into the fog again... .  

Hey there dude!

Would you not say that this is typical(!) behavior of someone who tries to resettle 'previous boundaries' and was hoping, by pushing you to the limit, that you would bulge, break and torn down completely and walk back on your knees towards her and say sorry (as you are always the one to be blamed for?) and she of course, was never really the one doing any of the mistakes ...

[Omniverse]

harmkrakow: Thanks for replying. Am feeling a bit better compared to the previous few days - I reckon I'll be switching back and forth between the stages of grief, and I pray I am strong enough not to be recycled again.

Yes, I agree that in hindsight this is typical BPD behaviour of trying to resettle previous boundaries and wanting the non to come grovelling back. She was never one to apologize, and I was left to pick up the pieces. Even the previous occasions when we separated temporarily for 4 weeks and then later for another 3 months in the first year of marriage - I chose to forget the wrongs and decided to make amends. Little did I know it was a push/pull recycle; and each time given the fact that I got back to her, she felt she was in the right.

I know she has been painting me black since last month - either as a way of offloading her emotional baggage in lieu of sympathy (playing the victim card) or she really believes that I have wronged her.

After in-numerous divorce threats and attempts to walk out the house with her suitcases packed (all these were her ways of keeping me in check and for her to be in control), I finally gave up one day. It was the same day when I requested her to ring up her exbf and apologize to him for the wrongs she may have done. The reason I did this is because she constantly compared me to him and even went to the extent of citing that our marriage was God's way of punishing her for what she did to him in the past. I earnestly believe thats a very cruel thing to say to anyone, let alone a husband. I figured I was the third person in this relationship and if she truly loved me, she better make peace with her past once and for all, and move on.

Given that I knew so much about her exbf, I felt as closure its best that she ring him up in front of me and we put the past behind us. But surprisingly, the very next day when she promised to call him up (with me alongside her), we got into another fight and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms (yet again). There and then, she decided to ring up her exbf and apologise, without me in the picture. She didnt bother to at least give me a heads up (I would have understood if she didnt want me to be present whilst she made the call). But the previous night, she had agreed we would do it together to protect our marriage - so when I opened the door to her room, I was unpleasantly shocked - it felt like an act of betrayal - cuz whether she liked it or not, I was forced to be entwined with her past.

I was in a bad state, and after so many months of keeping it within, I broke down and cried, whilst sitting on the floor. Whilst she threatened to call her exbf again and lament to him that 'her husband doesnt trust her and believes that his wife is still in love with her ex boyfriends'. I couldnt take it anymore, so I left the house to calm down - only to return 10 mins later. Next thing I know, she has packed her suitcase and left the house for a week.

It was during this week, that I realised I had enough of the roller coaster and chose to get off. But ever since, emotionally its been very taxing.