A slippery situation (non-BPD relationship with BPD)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She is concerned for my emotional/mental health. She knows I have had trouble sleeping and a loss of appetite since all of this has gone down and that I am under a lot of stress.

[dogpirate]

She is concerned for my emotional/mental health. She knows I have had trouble sleeping and a loss of appetite since all of this has gone down and that I am under a lot of stress.

[dogpirate]

I talked to her yesterday and explained to her it would be best if I left her life. She didn't seem phased, but I said my goodbyes and wished her well. We're no longer in contact... .  

I thought this would be the inevitable end, and I was able to leave without the fear of her hurting herself. That's all I really wanted... .  it is still a very harsh reality to me, though. Thank you everyone for replying and helping me throughout this ordeal, it means tons to me.

[tuum est61]

dogpirate,

Getting to a point of where a decision can be made so inner peace is achieved is the goal. 

We're here to help further as needed.   

[dogpirate]

Now she's texted me this morning saying she is disappointed and that she hates me, and that I'm an untrustworthy btch for trying to add her new boyfriend on facebook and sneak behind her back... .  

... .  except I don't have a facebook. Very fishy, I don't know what to think of it. Either he is lying or she is lying. I am just glad to begin the path of healing and getting past this situation with her.

[dogpirate]

Things have gotten much worse... .  She says she wants me to stay the hell out of her life and that I'm not her friend anymore, she never wants to see me again and that I'm not the same person I fell in love with and that she regrets ever meeting me. I'm just a person she regrets meeting.

[tuum est61]

DP,

This change is indeed very difficult. 

How do you feel about not being the person she fell in love with?  How did you respond to her when she said that (if you responded)

[dogpirate]

I said I am the same person, I am just going through a hard time because of this transition. I told her she's seen the worst of me this past month, and she's told me she realized I am not who I acted like around her, and that I was simply putting on a 'ruse' and she realized that the last time I visited she didn't have a good time. (Which is false)... .  She said she won't get into it, end of discussion. But she told me she doesn't love me anymore and that she doesn't want to be friends, she just wants me gone from her life.

[tuum est61]

Contrary to what you told her, it would seem she's seen a stronger and better you - and it is not something she was prepared for.

Rather than back down and deny your changes, what if you would have said " I understand how the changes I have made must be frustrating to you."

How would she react?

[dogpirate]

I didn't get the chance to, but she's replied to me and told me she loves this new guy, he's much better than I ever was, and they're in a sexual relationship and that she doesn't care about me anymore. So I'm finished, thanks all... .  

[almost789]

Hi Dogpirate,

Sorry she is so cruel and ridiculous. Seems to me she was usingnprojection on you in your last several posts. Just before they end things they tend to do this. Make u out to be the monster because they cant accept any fault. Dont feel bad if u can help it, shell do the same to her next victim. Itll take time to heal from this soul damaging experience youve had. Learn from it. Next time recognize the rrd flags and make surr your in a relatiinship with a mature individual who doesnt need their abusive behavior validated. Doesnt it just make u sick to have to validate their feelings when they are trampling all over yours. Puke... .  

[Kiss Of Kismet]

wow dog pirate wow, I must say that I can relate, I really can, and I think I will post something longer later, but honestly you shouldnt be around for that, whatever it takes, get out, I took my girl around the world quite literally for her to turn around and give me that same kind of behaviour, it is not worth it man, really as much as I still want her in my heart I know it shouldnt be. I think in your heart you feel that way too. Check that I think it will help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=189843.new#new

[dogpirate]

I had the chance to leave before it turned sour, but I didn't. I should have left when I gave her the ultimatum that I was leaving, but my feelings were still fresh and there was still uncertainty. This has been a fantastic learning experience, and I am glad it only lasted as long as it did. It is very hard to stay out of empathy and compassion for someone else, only to witness their love for you slowly turn into discontent and apathy, and then hatred.

[almost789]

You are so right dogpirate. Its so hard, u just want to turn it around and its like death but worse cause the person is still bodily there and its so hard to wrap your head around it. Its a weird painful experience for sure. I too wish Id had just walked away peacefully. Mine actually tried to leave on a happy note when it ended he said things like Ill always love you, and remember how happy you made me... .  but followed with a goodbye. I didnt want to accept the goodbye part.  I wish I had long ago.

[waitaminute]

Dogpirate,

The hardest thing may be yet to come. When/if she contacts you and says she knows it was all her fault, that you are who she really needs, and that she wants to try again to be lovers or friends... .  What are you going to do?

They become so sincere and full of love when they want you. It's not fake love either. But it is only one of many emotions that she will continue to experience, some of which will over-ride the feeling of love. Emotional survival will outvote and outweigh love. And survival comes by having backups for when they get bored with you or you become disenchanted with her. And she knows that one or the other will happen. Experience tells her that.

[waitaminute]

BTW... .  The abuse that she experiences with one or both of her guys will be a bond between them, a trauma bond. I say that for four reasons. They need the drama. They feel they deserve it. They never have to feel morally inferior to the abuser. And they get to relive the initial abuse that started them on their BPD path. The last reason is similar to why men visit battlefields on which they fought and killed and watched their brothers die. Sorta like trying to get closure.

oh... .  and dont try to win her love by faking to be an abuser. While the thought occurred to me, it's probably a good way to end up either in jail or completely empty and dark in heart, soul, and mind. If you are the giving, caring, and compromising sort -as I think you might be - let your goodness stand as a testament to who you are. You may never be with her again but in some few moments of clarity, she will remember and respect your integrity... .  Even if you are painted black 99% of the time.

Just my opinions, of course.

[lbjnltx]

While many pwBPD have suffered actual abuse, not all have.  Let's be careful not to overgeneralize.  Overgeneralization can sometimes lead us astray in our understanding of the disorder and our healing journey.


Guideline: Over generalizing

[dogpirate]

She wasn't abused by her family, but rather her peers emotionally and verbally. She was treated as an outsider for years and years and years on her gym team, even though she was a top gymnast. They would push her to the point of tears, and even the coaches turned a blind eye to it because they didn't like her either. Her father also berates her for not being good enough, but it's almost like he's given up.

This month has been incredibly hard, possibly the hardest time in my 23 years of life. She has said terrible things to me, and hurt me in ways I have never felt before. She's said the worst possible things she could've said to me contextually, just to rub salt in the wound. Comparing me to her new lover and how much more superior he is to me and how he's made her realize she never loved me because I was terrible to her. Just awful things. She says I tried to force her to love me by threatening her with suicide, when she did that very thing to me in the beginning. She won't talk to me, even if I tried to talk to her. She has even go so far as to say I was worse for her than the first guy who sexually abused her and tried to rape her. She's treating me the exact same way she did with the first guy, except I pushed harder this time so she doesn't feel she can use me as a backup anymore.

I am bipolar and very, very codependent, and I have low self-esteem. I am only now just starting to explore the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my own mental health. 2010's posts have help me come to certain self-realizations that I feel will help me on my road to recovery. As far as this girl goes, the feeling of love and acceptance I once felt for her and with her has slowly started to dwindle. If she does contact me in the future, I won't be apart of it. Until she finds help and accepts the reality of her condition, I cannot and will not subject myself to it again. The thought and feeling that I was ready to marry this girl 2 months ago has become a distance dream, a surreal memory from a different lifetime.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Dogpirate,

  What I wish I had known 20 years ago, is the harm my BPD husband would do to his own children.  Oh please listen to me.  You sound like a really nice guy, maybe with some self-esteem problems.  You are not married to her yet.  I realize that you said some things and you want to be a man of your word.  I really understand that.  But this girl is hard wired badly.  It can take many years of therapy to get this disorder even under control.  You know what is wrong.  Is it right to drag children into that type of relationship?  My goodness, BPD people are so good at throwing around false guilt.  It isn't your fault.  They are the black hole of emotional need.  The purity of spirit that you love in her is a childlike quality, but don't mistake it for actual spirituality.  If you decide for certain to stay, remember that you are marrying an emotional child.  Be sure you are up for being a permanent Daddy before you sign on.  I really wish you the best!

[somethingtolose]

I must say, if every story wasn't similar, I would guess that I was dating the same person. It's hard to accept emotionally that their wiring is so fundamentally different (easy intellectually when you see these stories).

I find the way that we react to these things kind of odd. If someone goes around physically assaulting people we put them in prison, if someone goes around emotionally assaulting people there's nothing to do.

I'm at the point now where I feel like everyone that knows a borderline should keep track of who they are dating and send them some educational material. The sad thing is, it wouldn't stop hardly anyone from going down the rabbit hole. The human need to connect and find love is so strong that when we finally get it, we completely lose rationality and become like heroin junkies.

If someone had given me a packet about borderlines I think I may have been able to extricate myself from it sooner. I mean, if someone would have printed out your story and handed it to me I would have thought they predicted the future. And as the predictions kept coming true in succession I would hope that I would have at least looked into the disorder and not felt so crazy.

[dogpirate]

Even now it is hard because I am struggling to rationalize my own behavior. I want to take all the positive I can from this and see where I went wrong, but at the same time I know I need to move on. We've permanently cut contact and she's made it clear she never wants to see me again, and this very fact is just hard. It has changed my life drastically as before this happened we were together 24/7 and I find myself struggling with my identity and sense of self-worth.

I just loved her with all of my heart and all of my effort and now I've lost that, I've lost my trust, and it has made it very hard for me to build trust with new people I meet who could be potentially romantic, I am just sick of all of it. The fact that she said I was almost as bad as the boyfriend who was sexually abusive (guy #1) just tore me apart, especially after staying through all of this emotional abuse from her because she was holding her life hostage to manipulate me to her whim. It hurts because I invested so much emotionally and mentally into my relationship with her and in spending time with her, it has definitely taught me a very hard lesson.

[almost789]

What you need to realize is that what she said about you isnt true. Is it? Look at the facts. What she says about you when "devaluing" or "splitting" you isn't really about you, even though she thinks it is. Its a psychological phenomenon integral to BPD. To help you with your self worth, don't believe her "reality" because it's a psychotic one not based on facts. I know what it's like to pour everything into this one person, because that is what they do. Mine did the same, in the beginning we spent every waking moment connected to each other. Minus a few distancing stints right after intimacy, he gave me the impression I was the only girl in the world and that was how he wanted it. I was his and he was mine and no one else existed. I lived like this for about 6 months, then suddenly everything changed out of nowhere, and just as it was begining to reach new levels of intimacy. The devaluation began. It is shocking. Thats whats so hard to get over these relationships. This is not normal. Normal people don't love you madly one day and hate you the next with no explanation. I can tell you I was where you are for probably 6 months after. Complete devastation, sadness, gloom, dazed. It was horrible. It does get better but it takes a while.

[dogpirate]

A lot of what she said against me was true, but blown out of proportion and she had done similar things to me. My job was a source of stress and due to working 50 hours a week, I lost a lot of energy I had previously. I think she reflected that in herself and felt I was acting that way because of her, not in general.

[almost789]

Yeah, I know what you mean. We act in ways that arent congruent with who we really are when suffering a relationship with BPD people. Ask yourself, did you act this way before your BPD partner? If not then itz safe to assume alot of it was due to the effects of being treated so horribly by someone you love.

[dogpirate]

You're right, I didn't act like this before I met her. I was a much different person, I was much more open and more sure of myself and my confidence. This relationship has slowly broken down my spirit and I keep coming back for more. I feel like a drug addict who has been broken by years of abuse, struggling to stay off of her and cut my addiction. Today I found out she has starting talking to guy #1 again who sexually abused her and treated her like ~, even though she cut contact with me. This whole thing has just been a drama fest and it's awful that I let myself become so vulnerable with a girl like this. She has devalued me to the point where she has said I am the worst person in her life, and I think she sincerely believes that. She's off spending her time with someone else, and her perspective with him will only grow. I think this is a permanent change and that I'll never be able to talk to this girl again, even if I wanted to. People have been posting thing anonymously on her blog and I know she thinks it was me who posted them, or that I had something to do with them. Honestly at this point I think it's either the guy posting things to defame my character, or she is doing it herself to mess with my head. There's just no way to win with this girl except to bend over backwards for her, and it's awful.

[almost789]

And if you bend over backwards you still wont win. I promise you that. That doesnt work either. Its a long road to healing, im still dealing with the scars from this and Ive always been the type of person who could get over things very quickly, not this case. Im not sure why that is? I have a hard time letting  go of him.

[goldylamont]

dogpirate, it sounds like she will just keep lying to you to get little scooby-snacks of niceness for you so that she can put herself back together well enough to go back and be in her other more exciting/abusive relationships. please don't trust anything this person says any more. anything she tells you at this point, anything is suspect. i wish you well

[dogpirate]

It honestly just blows my mind still that all of this has happened. I sometimes go to my phone to text her just out of forgetfulness when I wake up and then realize what all has happened all over again. I am not a spiteful person, and I hate how this new boyfriend has slandered my image to keep himself with her by faking a facebook and god knows what else. Those posts on her blog just kill me to read, because I felt like I was making progress and then something like this happens. Honestly I tried so hard with this girl, and I exhausted my effort the first time I bent over for her when she cheated. This second time was a full year into our relationship and now I'm the one being demonized because I reacted very negatively to the situation and I didn't let up.

[goldylamont]

dogpirate, this is horrible and i'm really sorry that this is happening to you. i think a good way to look at things is straight and practically--try telling yourself that there's no way things will ever work you with you and her again. i know it's hard, but your intuition may already be trying to get through and tell you this. you already know it. you have proven yourself strong by surviving this long, but now try focusing that strength on leaving completely. she will continue to lie to get you to do what she wants, and it will keep hurting more than the hurt of leaving on your own terms. as i'm saying this to you i'm repeating this to myself. Never again!   hah! try saying it, several times until you mean it, if only for a split second. then welcome and accept the fear that comes after those words--this is why you are strong, to deal with those fears

[dogpirate]

You're right, she will only continue to do what is best for her in her own self-interest, once that self-interest shifts and she loses what she has now, I know she will come back to me and I will have to be strong and refuse to have this girl in my life. She has taught me a lot about what I enjoy in a person, what I can do to maintain my boundaries, what emotions make me react certain ways, and how to go with the flow. At this point I need to reconcile with myself and make strides to continue living my life and move on. She is the best and worst person I have ever known.

[dogpirate]

Are there any resources that have helped members who have had to go through similar situations like this in the past? I'm finding myself dwelling on the specifics and the what-ifs... .  I know this isn't the final chapter with her, and I know this new guy is just using her until she is not worth the trouble to him for sex, or he finds someone better. Also I still have a few things on my mind:

1. I know I shouldn't dwell and it might be a bit off topic... .  but I just wonder what someone's motivation is, when they court someone who is currently in a relationship, lie, fake facebook profiles and post anonymous questions to defame my character. My girlfriend told me early on when he was a 'friend' that he surprised her with a candlelit picnic and everything. When he started dating her, he had said that he didn't want a sexual relationship with her... .  merely platonic. Currently I know it's sexual, more sexual than it was with me, even. It is just very fishy and I know this saga won't have a happy ending for her or me, and I know he's more than likely just using her for sex (he told her he 'loved her' less than a month into the relationship and that he wanted to express that love physically... .  gimme a break.)

2. How do you cope when they come back and try to recycle you? I'm hoping that doesn't happen because she split me really hard, said she never wanted to see me again and that I was basically the worst thing in her life at the moment... .  so far we haven't talked in weeks, and she has removed all mention of me from her life. But it still irks me, and I don't want to end up falling into the same trap. Are there any resources available or philosophical works, activities, etc. that have helped you recover from these sorts of things?