Should I tell my adult children about the illness?

[joanlee]

Hello, I'm fairly new on here, but have posted many times. One of my concerns is whether to tell my kids (36 year old alcoholic daugher and 32 year old son) about their father's BPD. I want them to be more informed, because it has helped me to understand this. I just found out about the illness recently after a 36 year marriage ended in divorce in 2011. I don't know if the kids will take this information from me seriously, since I'm not a psychologist. My ex husband is also alcoholic. My daughter is a recovering AA member, and thinks this is his only problem. It is a major issue, but the underlying problem is BPD. I didn't know what it was when I married him. I didn't even know there was a name for it until a few months ago. Should I mention this to them, or let them be? They had to witness his suicide attempt when I left him, and resulting divorce. THey have always looked up to him. He was high functioning, and hopefully didn't hurt them as badly as he hurt me. I'm not sure what to do, but I want them to know there is a reason for this insanity.

[benny2]

You could, however, my experience in trying to tell his oldest daughter (who believes he has nothing more than anger issues) only made me look like the fool. He turned it all around which is what they are so good at doing, so prepare for that.

[Matt]

I told both my adult kids, when they were about 19 and 30 if I remember right.

My stepson was older, but had lots of problems - alcohol, meth, etc., and underlying issues which I believe came from stuff that happened when he was little - he was raised by his BPD mom.  He's now clean and sober more than 4 years, but when I talked with him about this he was struggling.  He took it badly at first - the separation and his mom's meltdown - but later when she was diagnosed and I told him about BPD that helped some.  He seems to be glad to know, but still doesn't fully accept that she is how she is and she probably won't change.  He sometimes hopes for stuff that isn't realistic and then gets disappointed.  But he handles that OK, and I think it might help that he knows a little about BPD.

My stepdaughter was the "all-good" child to her mom.  She heard me out, but didn't really want to talk about it, and still doesn't, a few years later.  I think that's a problem - not healthy for her - but for now I just have to accept that it's a subject she doesn't want to talk about.

I'd suggest you talk openly with them, but first examine your own motives, and make sure you know just what you hope to accomplish.  If it's "vindication" or getting them to see you as the heroine and their father as the villain, maybe think some more.  If it's to share openly, and help them understand, that's probably a good thing.  (But it might leave things feeling a little "unfinished", as with my older kids... .  )

[joanlee]

Probably the less I say, the better. My only motive is to help them identify and understand. I have no interest in being vindictive, or being the favorite parent. My kids are smart enough to make their own decisions, and my daughter is a recovering alcoholic, so she isn't in 'the clouds'. Her problem is that she doesn't think her dad can have any other problem but alcoholism. To her, it's the root of every evil on earth. She's really resistant to the idea of BPD, and I don't think she even wants to learn about it. It's always hard to find out the hero in your life isn't perfect. I have tremendous empathy for my poor BPD ex... .  I have always been more sad than angry over the whole breakup.

[DreamGirl]

Probably the less I say, the better. My only motive is to help them identify and understand. I have no interest in being vindictive, or being the favorite parent. My kids are smart enough to make their own decisions, and my daughter is a recovering alcoholic, so she isn't in 'the clouds'. Her problem is that she doesn't think her dad can have any other problem but alcoholism. To her, it's the root of every evil on earth. She's really resistant to the idea of BPD, and I don't think she even wants to learn about it. It's always hard to find out the hero in your life isn't perfect. I have tremendous empathy for my poor BPD ex... .  I have always been more sad than angry over the whole breakup.

I can see that you just want them to know - because it will help them in knowing.

The way it helped you.  

I agree that it is profoundly difficult to see your parents as human. That simple fact has been my greatest hinderance in reconciling my relationship with my own father, who battled many of the NPD demons himself.  Only in his death was I able to see him for the person he was and let go of the person he never could be.

It sure did help to have a Mama who has always loved me despite the battles I had at being my father's daughter. When it comes to your daughter, I see you doing that - not blaming him (or victimizing her) which can be a powerful force in her own recovery. The ability to thrive as adults (who dealt with difficult parents) is letting go of the patterns in our childhoods, and embracing new ones in our adulthood. It sounds like they are doing that? Do they still struggle in some of the effects that a pwBPD can cause due to their poor parenting skills?

As a Mama, I've learned that we can usually only support, not convince, our children in how they see the other parent. My oldest son took a pyschology class and had his (biological) dad assessed in a very mature way. It helped a lot for him to see his Dad with a personality/parenting style (neglectful) with a set of personality traits (self absorbed, distant) and to not take it personally. He sees him as a man, not as a parent who failed him in being something he couldn't be. Oh, how proud I am of my son in that. I still struggle in that when it comes to him.

I hope that helps you - not that I gave you an answer or anything.    

[Matt]

My kids are smart enough to make their own decisions, and my daughter is a recovering alcoholic, so she isn't in 'the clouds'. Her problem is that she doesn't think her dad can have any other problem but alcoholism. To her, it's the root of every evil on earth. She's really resistant to the idea of BPD, and I don't think she even wants to learn about it.

My son went through rehab - alcohol, meth, etc. - two six-month stints.  It was close to where we live, so I was able to attend their "family groups" pretty often, and I learned a lot, from the staff and from the other families.

One of the topics was how addiction is usually a symptom of deeper issues, and not the problem itself, and whether it's best to treat the addiction first, and then the underlying issues, or whether some work on the deep issues is needed to deal with the addiction.  Their program is very successful - it's been copied by other facilities around the world - so I know that what they're doing is effective, but it wasn't always easy for me to understand exactly how it works.

In a six-month live-in program, my son got quite a bit of help with his deeper issues - like peeling the layers of an onion, with the inner layers mostly being stuff from early life.  But I don't think that work got "done" - he still had big stuff to work on when he left.

So I guess I'm saying, I think a recovery program has most of its focus on sobriety at first, because you can't see what's underneath til those weeds are cleared out of the way.  But longer-term success probably requires continuing discovery of the roots of the problem - what hurts so much that the addict needs to "self-medicate" with alcohol or other drugs.  That deeper work makes long-term sobriety more likely.

For your daughter, I think it's possible that the parenting she got, and maybe stuff between you and her father that she perceived, may have contributed to her alcoholism.  And if she is willing to get help looking at it - therapy of some sort - that might be important to her long-term recovery.

But if she doesn't see the need to do that, it will be very hard to tell her... .  

[nocrazy]

Is he diagnosed? I think that would really metter to me when my son is older. He is 8 now, And I just have tpo say things like, "daddy has some mood issues."

[joanlee]

Not diagnosed, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to read the symptoms and realize he has all of it. I about fell over when I read about it. Never heard of it before. But one of the reasons I hesitate to tell my kids about the 'disorder' is because he hasn't been diagnosed professionally. Apparently no one in my city has been able to do anything about either his alcoholism or this thing. It's baffling.

[nocrazy]

The diagnosis would go a long way to "validate" what you might tell them. I tend to think at that age they probably already know something is amiss, but, then again, you dont want them to think his behavior is normal. I worry that my son thinks his dad acts normal, so I tend to check in with him after an "episode", kind of saying, "you know that was a little out of balance" or " I think daddy could have handled things a little better".

Do you or your kids attend Alanon? Alanon has helped me a great deal to learn how Alcoholism is a family disease, and how important it is to keep communication flowing, because the Adult Children of Alcoholic syndrome has a lot to do with the secrecy and no one saying, "hey, I know things are tough and abnormal". What ends up happening is that the kids or young adults grow up questioning normal.

Maybe alanon can help you frame it. The same principles can be applied to mental instability/disorder... .  You could even just read up on it/get some alanon literature.

Just a thought.

Good luck to you

[NorthernGirl]

Joanlee -- I have 3 adult stepsons and DH has handled each one differently when it comes to what he tells them about their mom. DH's ex has not been diagnosed and it is doubtful she ever will be. In the past when SS22 tried to talk to his mom about their broken relationship, he said he would admit that he'd made some mistakes if she would as well. She said she had never made any mistakes and had been an amazing mother.

SS22 is his mom's All Bad child. She refers to him as a "failure" even though he is doing well in college, has a part-time job, has a lovely girlfriend, etc. DH gave him a book on BPD and spoke about it when he was about 18. SS22 knows she is ill. He continues to try to maintain a relationship with her and has some pretty good boundaries -- for example he will walk out or hang up on her if she starts yelling.

SS20 is usually his Mom's All Good child. Except that he began drinking when he was 13 when he was living primarily with his Mom. At 16, he asked if he could live mostly with DH like his older brother and his Mom hit the roof. She raged for weeks and treated him horribly. SS20 was in three different treatment programs where his T would eventually see that something wasn’t right with his mom and so she would pull him out. She ended up sending SS20 to a religious treatment program which didn’t include any professional counseling or parent involvement. SS20 stayed a year and now says he is cured. He says he feels indebted to his Mom for “saving him” and so is now living with her and they are totally enmeshed. DH has talked with SS20 over the years about behaviors his mom has shown (SS20 used to say that his mom had “anger issues”) but now SS20 will usually not listen to anything he would perceive as negative about his mom. One of SS20’s T’s worked in a clinic specifically for BPD patients and was the one who confirmed that DH’s ex had many signs of BPD. Another of his T’s has told us that SS20 will likely be unable to maintain sobriety until he comes to terms with his relationship with his mom. DH and I went to Al Anon for about a year and found it very helpful.

SS18 has development delays. His mom is constantly worried about harm coming to SS18 so she would prefer if he just stayed in the house watching TV all day. In the past, she pulled him from school and all sporting activities.  SS18 is very aware that his mom has challenges but defends his mother vigorously. DH has spoken to SS18 many times about his Mom. SS18's  T gives him some coping mechanisms for his anxiety and helps him to see that when he is anxious he needs to talk with his dad because his mom makes things worse. They don’t talk about BPD but rather just some of the behaviors that are inappropriate.

So each one has been quite different in what DH has spoken to them about and how much they are prepared to listen to or accept.

[joanlee]

@nocrazy, thank you, but I've been going to Alanon since 2010. It's what gave me back my sanity and played a big part in my divorce. That part's over, for the most part. I don't see my DH anymore. My daughter is a member of AA, so we know all about the 12 Steps. Now the challenge with me is how to talk to my kids after everything went down... .  but part of me thinks that since they are adults with families, I don't need to say much. It's like beating a dead horse.