Supporting or enabling?

[JustJay]

So I've been doing a lot of reading and need a little help to get on the right track.

Am I supporting or enabling?

My diagnosed BPD fiancé has recently moved out, it's been about 3 months now. She works full time but doesn't make a lot of money. One of my unnegotiables in staying in a relationship is that she goes to councelling on a regular basis ( we go together and I go separately also).

She says that she wants to, but can't afford it... .  Not true. She could afford it if she managed her money. So I've agreed to pay for 2 sessions if she pays for one. Now, is this helpful or am I enabling?

She also still has things stored at what was our house but now I live there alone. I've asked her to take her things and she gets bent out of shape and says she has either no way to get them or else no room to store them. For example winter tires for her car. I have a garage, she has a 2 bdrm apartment.

We are treating our separation as a break to refocus right now and we have no plans to move back in together in the near future.

Some guidance and advice would be appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tundraphile]

It depends more on your intentions.  If you really want to marry her, expect these challenges to remain for a long time if not indefinitely.  Storing her tires is nothing compared to what you might open yourself up to should you decide to marry her with what would be (I assume) joint finances.  And completely separate finances from the start of the marriage will do nothing to re-assure her and give her a "safe" foundation from which to consider her failings and work on them. 

Basically in short, if you are working at becoming "one flesh" then things like paying for 2/3 of counselling and storing things should be trivial.  If you already have doubts, which to be honest it appears you do, then ask yourself why you continue to be with her at all.

I read of single people starting or continuing a relationship with their BF/GF when they know they have BPD.  I always wonder why in the world they remain.  Some may worry about "breaking" that person by leaving, but the truth is they were broken long before you met them.

[JustJay]

You're right Tundraphile, these things do seems trivial... .  to me too.

My intentions are to learn what I can about BPD, learn what I can about myself, refocus on what's important and take steps to have a better relationship.

I guess I'm trying to take steps in the right direction, to learn little lessons along the way. To be the best person that I can be. And to be a loving, thoughtful, kind and considerate partner to the woman that I love.

[JustJay]

One more thing.

I DO have doubts, I've read a LOT on this board and it doesn't give me much hope but I'm willing to at least try.

This is the woman that I was going to marry and I can't just walk away from that.

[Somewhere]

One more thing.

I DO have doubts, I've read a LOT on this board and it doesn't give me much hope but I'm willing to at least try.

To what end or purpose?  Bring some kids into the mix and you will have a real mess.

This is the woman that I was going to marry and I can't just walk away from that.

Says who?  Just asking. 

Sounds like tying to live on the merit of future fantasy.

[JustJay]

Well till we've both tried our best. If it doesn't work after that then it's time to walk away. This is someone who I was going to promise to be with for better or worse. I'm not just going to bail without at least trying.

[ChemGuy]

Jay, I agree that you should not simply walk away from your relationship without trying.  I am not very familiar with your situation, but it sounds to me like your pwBPD is not committed to therapy, but is doing therapy to make you happy - this is not a long-term solution.  pwBPD tend to do things that they think you want them to do until they no longer feel that they are in danger of losing you, then they stop.  I fear that this may be happening in your case.

If you've separated and you're not married yet then this is a major  .  Are you irritated that she is irresponsible with her money?  Think how much more irritated you'll be when its your money that she is irresponsible with.  Are you unhappy that she's clinging to you by leaving her things in your garage?  What will happen if you want to separate when she is your wife and owns half of everything.  Then you'll be the one staying in an apartment storing your winter tires in her garage. 

I think back to the times when my BPDw and I broke-up when we dated, then got back together.  I think about the times when I knew there was something wrong, but I pushed the thoughts out of my head because I loved her.  There have been many good times, and I love my wife, and I love our son, but if I'd known then what I know now I would have stayed broken-up back when I had the chance.  But I didn't know then, and I though she would change, and I thought I could handle it because I didn't understand how bad it really was inside her head. 

You can not make her get better.  And no matter how much she says she loves you, she can not make it go away either.  She needs to want to make it better for herself and even then she may not succeed.  She'll need to be committed to therapy.  She'll need to make it happen and not make excuses.

I wish you the best.  I hope that yours can be a success story.  Success stories with pwBPD seem to be so few.

[yeeter]

Some thoughts:

This jumped out at me:

We are treating our separation as a break to refocus right now and we have no plans to move back in together in the near future.

Put your focus on this 'refocus' for yourself right now.  Push the tires and any other items in the corner and forget about them (put a blanket over them even, so you dont even have to notice them).  Thats a trivial one and I have kept other friends stuff for years sometimes just to help them out (assuming you have the space that is).

Pay for counseling?  A personal choice - but yes, thats a little bit enabling (because you say that she could afford it if she just reshuffled other stuff).  So what this means is, that its not 'that' high of a priority to her.  But its a priority to YOU, or you wouldnt be considering it.  Paying 2:1 is a form of compromise.  Its not all bad.  Means she has some skin in the game at least but be very very careful if this starts slipping to where you start picking up more of the cost.  Major flag.

Keep reading the boards.  In particular read what it takes to stay in a relationship like this.  'Trying your best' is noble - up to a point.  For years I had this mantra I repeated to myself:  "We are two smart capable people, we SHOULD be able to make this work".

But I was naive, and didnt realize that we WERENT two smart capable people.  Because one of us had a disorder - by definition this means certain things are not capable of!  Instead, my mantra should have been:  My partner has a disorder that causes me grief and will never allow the type of relationship I want/hope for - but I choose to stay with her anyway and appreciate the pieces that are good, and manage/mitigate the negative parts"

'I could fix anything'.  Turns out - I cannot.  Its up to the individual to recognize and accept that they have a problem and seek help, and then do some really really hard work on themselves to improve.  Most people really arent up for it, and for people with a disorder it may not even be possible (catch 22).

You can still be loving, thoughtful, kind, and considerate.  In fact, getting enmeshed in such a relationship makes these things HARDER to do.

Im just saying - take your time to stabilize yourself.  To build a really strong sense of who you are, and what you want.  Dont just take on a relationship out of 'Obligation' because of the history.  Or 'Guilt' of giving up on it.  Read about FOG and make sure you arent getting sucked into it.

Welcome to the board!