Shame

[Ripples]

Hello all.

Im in a good space now and as a result i have been looking back at my part in my downfall! One thing I do find difficult to accept is how I reacted to her madness when things came to a head. I recall getting angry and shouting at her because I just couldn't handle the situations as they arose.

I know this is not a good reaction but given the circumstances is it understandable or should I take some blame for my reactions? If you know what I mean!

[almost789]

Hi Ripples,

Your already taking some of the blame. You have acknowledged you did wrong with your angry reactions. This is coming from a guilty perspective which is completely healthy. The angry reactions to their behavior is normal. I would question the sanity of those who can deal with BPD and not get angry. What we need to do is acknowledge we didn't react in the best way and try to do better. What we need not do is fall into the pit of shame. Shame will tell you. "YOU are bad" "something is wrong with YOU" because you had anger and didn't express it in the most benificial way. This is where you do not want to go! This will ruin your self esteem. And is the basis for BPD shame mentality. Forgive yourself. Try to do better next time.

[Maryiscontrary]

But then, if somebody crosses your boundaries, and you've tried to discuss this, then a healthy dose of anger is necessary.

I suppose that the mistakes are made when WE dysregulate in response to their dysfunction. So it is ok to angry, itis ok to try to articulate in the non violent SET method, but it is not ok to start out of control yelling. Maybe yelling, other than " Fire! " is not an acceptable means of communication at all.

I have yelled a lot. I do no yell much at all any more.

[Tausk]

The only way to process shame is through self awareness that includes, guilt, regret, remorse, amends... .  and self forgiveness.

I feel great remorse about when I yelled at my ex.  At the time, it was almost the only thing left from me to do in my trauma bonded state.  When I tried to not fight or put up boundaries my ex left and i couldn't take that, so I fought.  But now I know that I was just yelling at a terrified three-year old who just responded to my anger with more terror and survival responses.

I feel remorse over my actions, but as I forgive myself, and as I work to ensure that my responses to such stressors in the future don't include yelling, my shame is lessened.   The emotions are neither good or bad.  They just are.  And anger is just an emotion.  It's how I respond to my anger that determines whether my behavior is constructive or destructive.  And I'm working at being more mindful of my responses.

And that is what sets me apart from my ex.  She understood right from wrong, but had no self-will for decisions.   And she could not understand guilt.  Shame yes, but not guilt.   Guilt is feeling badly about our actions.  Shame is feeling badly about ourselves.  So all my ex could do is sublimate her shame deeper and deeper and never process, never take responsibility, never make amends, never change and never become a loving and compassionate human. She's stuck as a terrified three-year old living in the very real horrors of her nightmares and with a crippling attachment disorder.

I can apologize for my shortcomings, I can accept being human and thus not being perfect, I can grow, I can change.

And thus I can find forgiveness for myself.

No one is beyond forgiveness.  But one must be honest and ask for it.  By being on the board, I'm learning what were my transgressions, what are my shortcomings, learning how to move beyond them.

[hithere]

One of the things I felt very badly about during and after my relationship with my BPDgf is that when we fought I would say mean things also and afterwards I felt bad about the things she said and the things I said, she would simply try and forget about everything.  But she was still able to use the things I said against me in the next fights.

I think feeling a bit of shame about how you reacted is fine but if she has BPD much of it was beyond your control.