After 3 months NC I see some progress... anyone else had similar experience

[toliveistofly]

So I posted the message below on the leaving board:

So I recently broke NC because my BPDex had some problems with her dog. her only open line of communication was email and I told her to use it only for emergencies. After this recent incident, I decided to block her email and told her I was going to do it. She sent some very lovely emails (which I posted on this board) and in one of them she said she wished she could do something to heal the harm she caused.

I responded and said if you want to fix something then here is a list of things you can do. There were about 5 things on the list; top item being returning the engagement ring. Other items were large things she either stole or large gifts that I feel she didn't deserve. Surprisingly, her response was "ok." She said some of the items were back in her parents city, but I could come get the ones she had now.

I jumped on it; NC or not, I want that stuff back. And it wasn't that bad. She cried and tried to hug me. I stood there stiffly. I said hi to the dog. She asked me if there was anything else I needed to take. I told her she could keep the furniture she stole as it had already been replaced. I took my things and left. She promised to email when she had the ring and the remaining items.

Is she using this stuff to get a chance to talk to me? Maybe. Am I playing with fire? Definitely.

I was thinking about it and she seems like the person I met. So my guess is that she has returned to inward pain now that she is alone (binge eating, drinking, smoking) instead of the outward pain she pushed onto me. It is "progress" for her in that she is back to her normal. But I know that if she was in a relationship it would all quickly come bubbling back to the surface. And she admitted this during our brief conversation. So she has found peace in a sense; at least enough peace to be able to look back and see who she was and what she did during our relationship.

Now I am questioning things. Once I get all of my stuff back, what is the next step? Do I ask her about therapy? Do I let her explain her side of the story? Do I turn and walk away and block her forever? Has anyone experienced something similar? I know that she is not healed, but I think she knows this also. Does starting from this point give us a better chance at success? Starting slow, her in therapy? Any advice would be appreciated.

[Somewhere]

Yeah.  Read your story.

jmho . . . I would stay the hell away.  Just saying.

Yunno, there are some million(s) of sane women you can love and could love you back. 

So what in wrong with us that we would chase the crazy one(s)?

[tuum est61]

toliveistofly,

What do you mean by "progress" and which one of you is progressing?

[Hopeliveshere]

I'm new here and I can say I have 3 times recycled by BPDh of over 40 years - he seemingly changes, I cave in, get back together and BANG! the abuse starts all over.

It is torture.

He even went for a year of anger management. I thought he "got it" but he didn't. He's mad as ever.

We went for a year of marriage counseling. Jekyll and Hyde showed up. Manipulating, lying, and only thinks of himself.

Oh yes, I saw progress. But it was short lived. I thought he could help himself but now I know he's mentally ill, I know it's all a show to get me back.

Can a tiger change his stripes? Let the experts answer that one.

Hope your day is blessed.

 

[Clearmind]

Is she capable of change? Potentially!

When I was undecided I had to really think about my expectations. Was I willing to stay as it is currently with no change?

My point is we cannot force or coerce a person to change. She is who she is, disorder and all.

Have you accepted what BPD is about? Have you accepted her for her (with or without therapy)?

[toliveistofly]

She is changing, regardless of my role in her life. I left the email communication open and the more she talks about therapy, the more committed I can see that she is:

I also need to tell you that my doctor really does not want me to talk to you.  He says I am doing wonderfully well and that part of that is believing in my ability to change.  He asked me if you had faith in my ability to change or if you thought recovery was possible but an unknown.  I had to admit that, understandably, you have long lost faith in who I am. Anyway, don't take that as me thinking poorly about you.  You were the best partner you could be and I was in a lot of pain and unable to understand.

And she ended with this (which touched me deeply):

Know that you saved me.  And I love you.  And I'm sorry.

[maria1]

Hi toliveistofly

I also need to tell you that my doctor really does not want me to talk to you.  He says I am doing wonderfully well and that part of that is believing in my ability to change.  He asked me if you had faith in my ability to change or if you thought recovery was possible but an unknown.  I had to admit that, understandably, you have long lost faith in who I am. Anyway, don't take that as me thinking poorly about you.  You were the best partner you could be and I was in a lot of pain and unable to understand.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but... .  

Maybe she is changing because you aren't in her life and, as much as she may impulsively want you to be back in it, she also knows she needs to be strong in keeping away and wants you to do that to. Sometimes we need to be strong maintaining NC because we have become the trigger and we have to accept that we just aren't good for each other.

You asked for gifts you think she 'didn't deserve' back including her engagement ring. That must feel pretty upsetting for her to hear but she has tried to do what you ask to make amends. Would it not be positive to leave it at that now?

Please listen to what she is saying. It sounds like she is on a path to finding a faith in herself that she desperately needs to. She is making progress without you and she is trying to find herself. I can't help thinking you need to concentrate on your own progress without her.

[toliveistofly]

Hi Maria, never too harsh to point out the obvious answer. Yes, I see it the same way, as hard as it may be. It is ironic that by "saving her life" (her words), I also became the roadblock to her recovery.

I have thought a lot about the things I am asking her to return. I am considering reducing the list significantly. I will also be more compassionate it my explanation/reasoning of why it would help my own emotional state to have certain items returned.