Problems with xDIL

[Krudula]

Just wanting some feedback

Having a lot of contact with xDIL. I find it increasingly difficult to deal with the accusations, idealization nxt, the victim role she adapts to and then attacks again.

When she comes to visit her son I start to feel quite dizzy and fuzzy. Anyone out there who has had the same experience? COuld be the extreme busyness I am experiencing.

[HarmKrakow]

Just wanting some feedback

Having a lot of contact with xDIL. I find it increasingly difficult to deal with the accusations, idealization nxt, the victim role she adapts to and then attacks again.

When she comes to visit her son I start to feel quite dizzy and fuzzy. Anyone out there who has had the same experience? COuld be the extreme busyness I am experiencing.

The actions of your body are healthy because your body associates 'her' with a load of negativity and your body corrects for that by feeling dizzy and fuzzy.

[GeekyGirl]

It could be a number of things, like stress or adrenaline (that "fight or flight" energy can be pretty intense), but if it's something that is really concerning to you, it might be worth mentioning to your doctor. Do you feel that dizziness at other times?

[Krudula]

Hi GeekyGirl

Regarding that dizziness, no I actually don't get dizzy normally. My bloodpressure has always been perfect. It has been during the stressfull times. Yesterday she was here to visit and acted as if nothing is the matter. My son commented later that is quite her usual response.

I have an appointment nxt week and will mention it to my GP.

Thanks for your concern and answers.

[Pilpel]

Just wanted to post.  I have a SIL that is uBPD.  I get a physical reaction when I interact with her.   Typically I"m on edge around her, hoping she doesn't get upset, and then when she says something that crosses the line I get like a deer in the headlights.  I can't think right.  I know there is something wrong with what she said, but it takes me half a day to formulate what it is.  There have been a few times when I've known right away what she said was crossing the boundaries, and when I've responded she'd completely ignore me. 


The first time I had an argument with her, I was so disturbed by her crazy accusations and angry outbursts I couldn't sleep for 5 days.  Last summer she sent me an email, saying she wanted us to improve our relationship.  The email also detailed a long list of ways that I offended her during that first argument. Basically she's still resentful about perceived offenses, and she wants me to make things better by apologizing. She suggested we do a mediation.  The idea of doing face to face mediation with her is so upsetting that my throat turned raw right away.  I had a scratchy throat for two weeks --which was about the time it took me to get over the bewilderment of her letter. 

MY SIL has this really twisted sense of reality. Probably like what you experience with your xdil, she acts like a bully, but then becomes the poor abused victim when people respond to her bullying.  I have two things going against me when it comes to dealing with her.  1) I'm a softy.  I'm used to being around people where there is a mutual tollerace and graciousness and forgiveness of little character flaws.  You can't interact successfully with a BPD in that way.  2) She expects my parents to always do things and give things to her, and she sees me as competition for their love and attention. I'm working on developing a backbone with her, so that she knows she that she knows she can't manipulate me with guilt.  I think she'll always look at me as a competator of sorts --not much I can do about that.   

[Krudula]

Thanks Pilpel 

That must have been so hard for you too.

Isn't it great that we can let of steam here, knowing that there are people who understand what we are going through, but also learn from each other. We are human after all and have emotions too. Are you sleeping better now?

I don't know what is preferable: contact or no contact. I can certainly do w/o all the drama.

I'm a person who hates that peace and harmony is being disturbed... .  Well we've certainly witnessed plenty of it since my son ended the relationship. Perhaps the good thing is that she has been formerly diagnosed and T has been set up. I hope for her sake that she'll grab it with both hands. I realise that it may be 2 steps forward and 3 back at the moment. Everything is twisted and distorted at the moment. She even insinuated that we are recording conversations!

[Pilpel]

I am sleeping better now.  But we also moved a state away last year, so I haven't had to interact with her as regularly as I used to. 

This forum is great! It's helped me put a name to things that I had a hard time explaining when I first met her.  I still dread her calling or emailing, but I can identify the FOG now, and it helps me distance myself from it. 

[Krudula]

Hi Pilpel

Sounds like a smart move to me.

Emailing is perhaps the best way, easier to delete 

I have found this to be a safe haven too and lots of good articles to be able to understand BPD better.

I agree with being able to identify FOG, yet it seems to creep in every now and then, especially since I am looking after the baby and I would hate to see this disorder being duplicated, or even some of the other behaviours. Thats were my fear sets in.