How do you tune out the insults ?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I just experienced another tirade of name calling. 

I have a BPD mum who rages at me telling me that I'm the most un-compassionate person that she has ever met and that I have no capacity for empathy.  I'm studying to be a social worker and I love what I do, but she tells me these things and also tells me that I am going to be a horrible social worker because I lack those skills.

I know logically that none of those things about me are true... .  but my question really is... .  how do you tune out the insults and the name calling so it doesn't get to you?

[ontheroadagain]

I just experienced another tirade of name calling. 

I have a BPD mum who rages at me telling me that I'm the most un-compassionate person that she has ever met and that I have no capacity for empathy.  I'm studying to be a social worker and I love what I do, but she tells me these things and also tells me that I am going to be a horrible social worker because I lack those skills.

I know logically that none of those things about me are true... .  but my question really is... .  how do you tune out the insults and the name calling so it doesn't get to you?

[lipsticklibrarian]

Hey,

I'm sorry that you're going through this and yes my mum used to and still does emotionally abuse me and call me all sorts of horrible names. I finally opened up this year to my friends and my boyfriend about her and they amazed me with their advice and compassion.

My boyfriend gave me some wonderful advice that I've turned in to a sort of mantra, he said that you've got to realise she has a disease and sometimes she's going to be talking to you as your mother and other times it will be her disease talking.

This has really helped me to have a relationship with her because her words have stopped wounding me, I can step out of the conversation and think, 'oh yeah my mum is being controlled by her personality disorder today.' and if she really gets going I can just step out of the room completely. People always used to wonder why as a child I was so flighty and day dreamy now I know about my mother's condition I understand I was just trying to block our her weird behaviour. As an adult I have a much more effective way of doing that. So yes to pass on my boyfriends advice, just remember it's not her talking it's her disease.

[BiancaRose]

Sometimes I find it helpful to run my mom's more triggering claims through my head turned around to check for projection. I ask myself, "Could she be turning around what she feels about herself and attributing it to me?"

So if she tells me, "You hurt people because you only care about yourself," I turn it around and realize she's projecting: she hurts people because she only cares about herself. When she says, "I'm overwhelmed by how much you hate me," I've come to believe she really means "I'm overwhelmed by how much I hate me."

So when your mom gets in a rage and tells you lack compassion and empathy, it might be helpful to remind yourself that she's not really talking about you. She's just using you as a mirror to act out how she feels about herself - part of which is that she lacks compassion and empathy.

[GeekyGirl]

So when your mom gets in a rage and tells you lack compassion and empathy, it might be helpful to remind yourself that she's not really talking about you. She's just using you as a mirror to act out how she feels about herself - part of which is that she lacks compassion and empathy.

I agree with this. I'm fairly certain that my mother projects too. What helps is knowing her well enough to anticipate what she'll say and being mentally prepared for it. I don't defend myself (that tends to add fuel to the fire and get her more excited) or try to dissuade her, but I say something to validate her feelings without agreeing with her (SET) or ask her to explain why she feels that way so I can get a better understanding.

Just because she calls me selfish doesn't mean that I'm selfish, and I just need to remember that.

[WrongWoman]

So often very classic projection.  However, that knowledge doesn't provide much protection from hateful and hurtful words.  It's been 23 years and those words still ring in my head sometimes.  I've taught my own children that there are words that can never be taken back.  They can be forgiven, but it is NOT okay to hurt someone with your words.  Not that my mother ever asked forgiveness.

But it was always much more about her than it ever was about me. 

[Diligence]

Dear ontheroadagain,

Give yourself a pat on the back!  Every time you recognize your mom's tirades as abusive insults you strengthen your ability to remain objective.  You respond (rather than react).  You choose to share with people here who can deeply understand you.

I imagine that as a social worker you will offer hope as a gift to those you serve.  What a noble line of work!

I wonder how many of us survivors go into helping professions.

Warm regards,

Diligence

[MeanLittleFace]

Me.  I became a guidance counselor.