Is it BPD or am I crazy

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just wanted to get some feed back if my soon to be ex has BPD or if I'm crazy.  A little background on my wife.  She was sexually abused from 18months - first grade, dad and mom wer physically, mentally, and verbally abusive (she has cut off contact except for holidays.  We were married right after highschool and had been married for 19 years.  She was extremely shy and conservative (until recently) ... .  about 6 months ago she started a "texting" relationship with a guy she met only once (he is total scum from everything I found out about him)  She lied over and over about her emotional affair, but would always tell me she had been 100% honest (not until I confronted her with the truth) she refuses to quit texting him 4,000 + times a month.   I went from being the person she admired the most to an evil person once she met him.  She has been diagnoised with PTSD but from all I've learned from this site I beleive she is UBPD.  She puts up walls so quickly even for something taken out of context and now she says there is a mountian between her and me.  Her councilor told her that she would always keep people at arms distance and she would have a closer relationship with a dog than she ever would a person.  Lately - the littlest thing sets her off (not in rage) but definate anger.  Here are things she has told me lately ... .  I wish I could just melt into the ground and disapear, I don't know who I am, how can I love you if I don't love myself, I can't reach out to my friends because they are in a fog, she has never had a good dream in her life, cannot sleep, even though she is wore out she needs to excersize 1 hour a day, she has times she doesn't even feel anything toward our 19 and 13 year old, that she has resented me for years, that she couldn't find God, that she always was the person I wanted her to be, the list goes on and on... .  We had what I, and everyone who knew us, a perfect marriage.  I am a extremely nice guy who has no enemies, is very active with our kids and church, and can get along with everybody.  Person after person cannot beleive she is giving me and her family up because of a "texting" relationship.  Do you beleive she is UBPD or am I just crazy... .  which she has informed me time and time again, how I'm bi-polar, controling, abusive, alcoholic... .  which everyone who knows me (which are 100's of people) are like are you kidding me.  Everyone knows how loving and caring of a husband and father I was... .  Am I crazy?

[cal644]

I just wanted to get some feed back if my soon to be ex has BPD or if I'm crazy.  A little background on my wife.  She was sexually abused from 18months - first grade, dad and mom wer physically, mentally, and verbally abusive (she has cut off contact except for holidays.  We were married right after highschool and had been married for 19 years.  She was extremely shy and conservative (until recently) ... .  about 6 months ago she started a "texting" relationship with a guy she met only once (he is total scum from everything I found out about him)  She lied over and over about her emotional affair, but would always tell me she had been 100% honest (not until I confronted her with the truth) she refuses to quit texting him 4,000 + times a month.   I went from being the person she admired the most to an evil person once she met him.  She has been diagnoised with PTSD but from all I've learned from this site I beleive she is UBPD.  She puts up walls so quickly even for something taken out of context and now she says there is a mountian between her and me.  Her councilor told her that she would always keep people at arms distance and she would have a closer relationship with a dog than she ever would a person.  Lately - the littlest thing sets her off (not in rage) but definate anger.  Here are things she has told me lately ... .  I wish I could just melt into the ground and disapear, I don't know who I am, how can I love you if I don't love myself, I can't reach out to my friends because they are in a fog, she has never had a good dream in her life, cannot sleep, even though she is wore out she needs to excersize 1 hour a day, she has times she doesn't even feel anything toward our 19 and 13 year old, that she has resented me for years, that she couldn't find God, that she always was the person I wanted her to be, the list goes on and on... .  We had what I, and everyone who knew us, a perfect marriage.  I am a extremely nice guy who has no enemies, is very active with our kids and church, and can get along with everybody.  Person after person cannot beleive she is giving me and her family up because of a "texting" relationship.  Do you beleive she is UBPD or am I just crazy... .  which she has informed me time and time again, how I'm bi-polar, controling, abusive, alcoholic... .  which everyone who knows me (which are 100's of people) are like are you kidding me.  Everyone knows how loving and caring of a husband and father I was... .  Am I crazy?

[seeking balance]

Hi Cal,



Well, I don't know if your wife is BPD and I don't know if you are crazy - none of here can diagnose.

What I can tell you is that I felt exactly like you do right now when I came here.  Everything was so confusing and I was in a big FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

What helped me was to really learn all I could about how these relationships work, the facts of the disorder, so I could start to detach and see it all from a clear lens.

Are separated now or are you living together?

Peace,

SB

[cal644]

We seperated and are in the process of divorce for a number of reasons... .  First she told me that she has resented and not loved me for years (Huge Shock!) noone would have beleived that... .  But when I told her I was going to file she told me that she loved me with her whole heart.  Secondly she refuses marriage counciling for the last 6 months, she refuses to quit texting her friend - even though she said she did (complete lie)... .  She also said that she doesn't love me like a wife should love her husband and that she can't and that I deserve someone who can give me the love I need.  When she left the house she kept asking "what kind of person would do this to her family", aren't you supposed to be married to your best friend",  meaning her... .  and then she would also be crying saying I'm afraid you'll never take me back... .  I have thrown a number of white flags - all of which were shot down completely.  Since this she moved on within a week - while I'm two months out and still struggeling... .  I just don't understand how she could throw a marriage like we had away for a texting friend

[seeking balance]

I just don't understand how she could throw a marriage like we had away for a texting friend

Unfortunately, there is nothing logical about these situations.

I know it is hard to end a marriage - then throw BPD traits in the mix - it is crazy making.

As you are separated, are you able to keep your contact very limited?

[cal644]

I'm trying to keep it at a bare minimum... .  after a week of no texting she will send me all this happy happy texts... .  then I will get one out of the blue where she starts a fight... .  it's funny the other day received a notice from her attorney that I need to quit texting her so much... .  where she always starts the texts and responds... .  the other day we got into a big texting disagreement... .  she sent me this huge appology about how she acted... .  then two days latter I get this notice from her attorney?  I seem to do alot better when she doesn't text ... .  but today she has sent me 3 nicey nicey texts about how she feels sorry I had to have a wisdom tooth pulled ... .  and then she will ask me stupid questions about activities are daughter is in and the schueduels (which have been exactly the same for three years!)  Ugh!

[seeking balance]

if I were you, I would listen to her attorney and stop the communication.

what does your attorney say?

[cal644]

The same thing but I needed to explain to my attorney that I have never called her... .  but she will try to call me and I let it goto voice mail... .  and that I've never texted her first unless it is related to the girls and then it was one or two texts about them only... .  it was kind of a blessing in disguise ... .  now when she sends me a text... .  i just reply that we should not have contact... .  or i will send her an email only if it is related to our girls...

[seeking balance]

The same thing but I needed to explain to my attorney that I have never called her... .  but she will try to call me and I let it goto voice mail... .  and that I've never texted her first unless it is related to the girls and then it was one or two texts about them only... .  it was kind of a blessing in disguise ... .  now when she sends me a text... .  i just reply that we should not have contact... .  or i will send her an email only if it is related to our girls...

The legal board would be great for you right now on the tactical ways to handle this.

Our Family Wizard is a tool that is perfect for high conflict divorces that traces all communication.

Ultimately, remember every time you talk to your attorney it costs money.  It honestly does not matter what happened in the past, what matters now - stop calling her or texting her.  Communicate ONLY via a documented means.

Getting back to your original question - do you have a T of your own to guide you through this emotional process?  The best advice I had was to get the best T and attorney I could afford for myself.

[cal644]

Yes, he has been outstanding... .  he told me from the beginning this has nothing to do with me but my wifes past... .  he was the one who had me start looking at BPD from the things she had said and did... .  and alot fits her to a T ... .  I still struggle though because I along with everyone else thought we had a great marriage... .  but as he has helped me I have realized I was always walking on egg shells ... .  doing what she wanted, giving her 100% of my attention and all her demands, while getting little in return... .  she has told me twice in 19 years of marriage that she loved me first... .  both times (3 yrs into marriage) and recently ... .  when we seperated and contemplated divorce... .  I along with everyone else can't understand it ... .  he has helped me ... .  but I was so blindsided ... .  maybe I was living in a fantasy world