Struggling with increased contact with exH due to family illness

[clairedair]

My father-in-law (technically ex-FIL) has just been diagnosed with a serious illness.  It's possible that he only has a few months to live.  This has been a terrible shock as he seems so well just now and he's very active in all sorts of ways.  I have a good relationship with my FIL so have been upset by this news.

This has meant that exH has been in my home several times in the past couple of weeks as he wants to let our children know what's happening.  I am finding this very difficult.  We reconciled last year and then he 'disappeared'.  I was doing a pretty good job of maintaining LC - being civil when in touch about the children but really keeping contact to a minimum.  That's gone out the window. I ended up giving him a hug the first night he told us - I didn't want to because I was fairly sure (from experience) that he would be seeing someone by now and i knew the physical contact would be difficult for me.  But, whatever else has happened, it's shattering news for him and for me and our children.

Turns out he is seeing someone (he must have started dating her within a few weeks of us splitting up.  He told me last weekend because he wanted the children to meet her which they did the following evening - going to a place we'd all been to as a family on one of the kid's birthdays last year.  kids have known since Christmas but hadn't wanted to tell me.   I was initially relatively calm about this - now I am mad that he did this within days of them finding out about their grandfather.  (this is probably more about me than them - they have said nothing about her and don't seem too bothered).  I wondered today if he's struggling with his Dad's illness and so took the shiny new relationship to new level by introducing children. 

But tonight I felt painfully torn. I sat as he told the children the lastest news (not good) feeling that I should ask him how he was etc but I just wanted to tell him to get out of my house.  I am trying to prepare for a job interview and my head is all over the place.  I am so painfully aware that it's not me that he wants to support him through this awful time.   I feel guilty that I'm letting him dominate my thoughts when I want to be thinking about my FIL.  I feel horrible that I could hardly look at him or speak to him tonight.  He was trying to be nice to me which somehow wound me up even more!

I think mostly I am angry with myself for not ever getting to a place where I'm really detached.  Am looking at the sidebar as i write "The Five Stages of Detachment" - think I've been through the first four more than once but not sure that I've made it to No5 "Freedom".

I am anxious about what the next few months will bring.

[Justadude]

I'm so sorry. The confusion. The emotional pain. Still wanting him. It's so hard. It's hard with children. It's just really hard. It seems like you have a large heart. I hope you get through this it's going to be emotionally challenging. You'll get through it. It'll be ok.

[clairedair]

Thanks justadude.

I feel as if I'm doing everything wrong just now.  I feel like I'm letting FIL down by being so mixed up.  I feel that I'm not helping my children as they pick up on my anxiety.  I feel that I'm not a good role model.  Tonight, my youngest overheard me on phone to my sister and picked up on the fact that I'd told her his dad was dating someone.  I hadn't realised he could hear me and now I'm wondering I said.

My sister was telling me if was time for me to move on and start dating and then I got a text from a friend to say I should get on match.com! My son said he wants me to date someone.

I just want some space and time to deal with things - not all these bombshells.  Just when I feel I'm getting to a stage of healthier detachment, something pulls me off track.  I don't know how to build up the resilience that would help me stay on track. 

I've read so much on this site - I KNOW stuff - I just don't seem able (willing?) to put it into practice.