We'll we be ready?

[jdogg75]

As Emotional caretakers we'll we ever be ready?

     Initially and instinctively I took a step back. I may have abandoned her if BPD applies. Silent waif? She still called up until the turn of the year not saying anything and not hanging up... .  now nothing. Could this be What they "Need" from time to time? A reminder? No spoken or seen validation, just to know your still there for what ever they are remembering at that moment... .  good or bad.

    I have seen the advice on all the boards. I post here because that's who I am. I will always care. If I were leaving or detaching I shouldn't call back. If I want back I may have to endure some of the dysfunction. Is there any examples or experiences rather where re-engagement was successful? That is only what I want to hear, for this point in time not the explanation "Inevitable Dance."

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

learn the tools. it's all about you and how you are responding.

or in my case reacting because i have stubborn pain and a thick skull.

hopefully you will have better luck with yourself than I have had with my self.

[laelle]

I think there are probably people out there with the ability to explain this better than I can, but im going to take a shot at it.

I danced the dance for about 3 years.  We broke up over 15 times during that time.  Went a month with NC.  It was during that time 6 months ago that I discovered this website and was able to understand so much.  I started out on the leaving side, I had hurt enough.  I had great support and the validation that I needed to stop the hurting and to deal it.  I analyzed the relationship in and out over and over.  Pros vs Cons.  I decided that there were bad things but so many good things.  I wanted another chance but I wanted to do it right.  No more do overs.  I started to read the staying in a relationship threads and applying the tools in my life.  I began to deal with my own issues which really were making things worse.  When I felt I was ready, I contacted him. He and I have both worked really hard to understand eachother, and to not repeat past mistakes.  This time when old feelings come to the surface, I have a better and more productive way of dealing with them.  I have tools and the people here who know my situation and are here to support me and give sound advice. I have self esteem probably the first time in my life.  I cant tell you what will happen in the relationship 5 years down the road, but I can tell you that for once in this relationship I am understood and he is understood.  We have a happy stable relationship.  Its not perfect, but its the one I want.  I know 5 years down the road I will be a happier, healthier person from all the good stuff I learned here.

Its not for everyone as it takes casting old views, blame and personal hang ups aside and starting over.  Building a safe foundation for both people to grow off of.  It is possible.  I hope to be a success.  Hope this helps.

[jdogg75]

Thank you for the positive views.

I just want to know if contacting them first rather than waiting for them then replying can warrant negative reactions? Or maybe of course it would depend on their mood they are in at that point in time.