Who was I kidding?

[justnothing]

I think it might be time for some more confession time… back when she was alive, I used to think (without telling her, though she tried to get me to admit it many times) so many times that my life would be so much easier, better and happier after she passed away. She had been so sick, we both knew that she didn't have much time left in the last few years. There were times when I couldn't wait and would dream about what it would be like to live alone… and other times when I really wasn't sure if I'd be able to emotionally survive without her in my life.

It turned out that I was partly right with both types of expectations… I feel like a monster saying this but it kind of was and is a relief that she's no longer around… I do love her very, very much but I can hardly say I miss her… but at the same time, my life is indeed quite empty now without her.

The confessional part is that I think I used to use her as an excuse… I had no life but I kept telling myself that it was because I needed to be there for her… and that once she was gone I'd be able to start building a life for myself… Well it's been close to a year since my excuse for not having a life has passed on and now I'm realizing that maybe there was never any hope to begin with.

There have been a number of times, since she passed away, that I've found myself wondering if it was ever "worth it" to attempt to build myself up in therapy at the cost of drifting away from her and essentially "abandoning" her emotionally, when the alternative could have been to just stay the way we were and be *more* there for her, if that had been at all possible.

[hithere]

A year is not a long time, healing can take much longer.  Everyone thinks of the what ifs but you will never really know.  I think you did the right thing by taking care of yourself.

[DreamGirl]

 

I lovingly refer to the disordered soul in my life (the mama of my stepkiddos) as the unfillable cup. It doesn't matter how much I (or anyone) puts in that cup, it is never quite enough. It's the common theme - she goes outward to compensate for what she feels she's missing within. Unfortunately, like you and I are both so painfully aware of, it's just not how it works.

I also used to spend a lot of time on that particular relationship in my life. I think I was subconsciously focused on it because it's easier to deal with other peoples issues then it is to face the realities of my own. I used to say "my life would be perfect without her in it".

Well, I went to therapy. I learned how to love the mother of my stepkid's from a distance that worked better for both of us and the problems in that relationship started to neutralize. I also know that it's way different then dealing with a parent (I'm still trying to reconcile the difficult relationship I had with my father and it's a whole different ballgame).

So anyways... .  there I was.

In a life that wasn't so perfect even though she wasn't really such a huge part of it.

That was a difficult truth to accept. That she was a perfect fit into my life - because she was a coping skill on my part. I wanted her there, just as much as she wanted to be a part of engaging in conflict in order to feel valid, and it was awful for the both of us.

Facing our pain is hard, justnothing. The Survivors Guide on the right side of this screen is a brutal, exhausting, but oh-so rewarding process.

It's learning to give the kind of advice and compassion that you have given others (including me!) and applying it to yourself.

I get it though, learning self compassion is by far the hardest thing that I think I've ever done.  

You're worth it and you do possess the ability. I can see it, even if you can't yet.

I have lots and lots of hope for you.  

[justnothing]

Thank you so very much for your replies…

I know it generally takes a long time to heal from mourning… my own mother was in mourning over hers pretty much her entire life… For some reason I feel under pressure to sort of "work it all out" within the timeframe of the first year… but I reckon it doesn't always work that way.

Several times I find myself actually believing that the mourning stage is behind me because the most painful part seems to be… but the fact of the matter is – I haven't so much as moved most of her stuff around the house (including slippers, socks, half empty cola bottles, etc' much less gave them away or threw them away or even put them into storage…

I don't think about her much of the time so it seems kind of strange to think that I can't let her go… but I guess maybe I can't, without noticing… Like you say, I guess facing pain really is hard… I might not be as good at doing it as I tend to think.

And btw I do know (90% of the time that is) that working on myself was the right thing to do… and thinking back I suppose it was probably the only option actually because I was really getting to a breaking point in which "being there for her" was getting increasingly impossible… so I suppose there wasn't really any other option. And it really did feel pretty, pretty horrible being the way I was back then… comparatively speaking I really don't have much to complain about nowadays and I do tend to be (and try to be) grateful for that most of the time… I've just been going through a wee bit of a rut lately (possibly because of that one year mark thing) so I tend to lose sight of that every now and then but I'm sure it'll pass soon and I'll try to stay positive.

And yeah, focusing on other peoples' problems sure is a "great" coping mechanism  … sometimes it also seems to be a great way of staying isolated… or rather: to be with others and stay isolated at the same time… or something to that effect. And yet… doing the opposite will often get you the same result… how it is that 95% or so of the population doesn't seem to have issues with that kind of thing is a mystery to me…