Struggling to let go

[Depression = 72% of members]

How can I let go.  My wife of 19 years recently informed me that she hasn't been in love and has resented me for years (total shock to everyone - she hid it so well) ... .  she left her loving husband and family for a texting "friend" ... .  how do I let go of my uBPD wife and move on?  Divorce is tough, but learning the person you loved so deeply can drop you in a second with no regrets.  She told me she doesn't have a single happy memory in the last year (What the heck) if you go black is it possible for them to block out a year of good memories (99% were good times)  The last couple months were rough after she told me she didn't love me and resented me.

[cal644]

How can I let go.  My wife of 19 years recently informed me that she hasn't been in love and has resented me for years (total shock to everyone - she hid it so well) ... .  she left her loving husband and family for a texting "friend" ... .  how do I let go of my uBPD wife and move on?  Divorce is tough, but learning the person you loved so deeply can drop you in a second with no regrets.  She told me she doesn't have a single happy memory in the last year (What the heck) if you go black is it possible for them to block out a year of good memories (99% were good times)  The last couple months were rough after she told me she didn't love me and resented me.

[GreenMango]

Cal644 she's catastrophizing the relationship.  Faulty thinking, or when someone has poor coping skills, is like this. 

Here's a quick reality check... .  is anything ever that black and white?   Can a person have actually not had one good moment with you?  No.

This is the illness.  Just because she says these things now doesn't make it true.  Her feelings are her facts here.  Just as her feelings will change and become new facts later.   My favorite of the 10 beliefs that keep us stuck is "the belief they feel the same way you do".  This goes beyond the "this person loves me, like I love them".  It is in the everyday feelings and perceptions of reality.  This is the same mental illness that causes people to want to end their life, mutilate their bodies, abuse substances to stop the pain, and do other self-destructive things... .  it is a very real illness.

This is hard to accept.  But depersonalizing this will help quite a bit.

[cal644]

I appreciate those comments. It has been soo difficult when I hear things like that along with all the other things she has said to me.  This site has helped me to have a greater understanding of her illness - no one but her (in her own mind) can figure out what she is doing.  Throwing away a loving husband and family - myself and everyone else that I/We knew say it is the biggest mistake she is ever making in her life and that one day she will realize what she threw away and will regret it.  But will she ever realize or regret it?