Mirroring

[freshlySane]

i do not think she mirrored me as other peoples ex's did she defiantly idealized me always found the things i talked about and things i was into was fascinating i love trivia and facts and she love to take me places and had me spit out my useless facts and she loved that about me. I mean she said she was in to comics too like me but she really wasn't but i don't know if she was mirroring me or just trying to impress me

she did think she knew me we went for drinks once and i got a rum and coke when i told her my favorite drink wasn't that she got mad at me she asked me since when i told her well i got that drink once with her we were in a club but i like wine she was mad i don't know why

[Rose Tiger]

People with BPD tend to enmesh with the partner versus a healthy love.  When you are enmeshed, it's like being one instead of two unique separate individuals.  They see separateness as abandonment and betrayal.  It hurts her when you don't like the drink that she thinks you both should like.  That is dysfunctional and disordered thinking.

[Phoenix.Rising]

People with BPD tend to enmesh with the partner versus a healthy love.  When you are enmeshed, it's like being one instead of two unique separate individuals.  They see separateness as abandonment and betrayal.  It hurts her when you don't like the drink that she thinks you both should like.  That is dysfunctional and disordered thinking.

Wow, a light bulb just went on my head after reading this, Rose Tiger.  I've heard this, but not really understood it on the level I do now.  When I look back, I see many occasions where she started realizing that she couldn't enmesh with me in certain areas, and she used that to justify her pulling away.  It's like if we didn't think exactly alike, then we weren't meant to be.  That's impossible!  When I asked for some of the reasons why she broke up with me, most of what I heard seemed trivial.  Then we would get back together, break up, rinse and repeat.  I don't plan to doing that again.

One time, we talked about what we would do on vacation, and I told her I would like to visit a nature area, and she told me that she wanted to go to a bar.  I could tell that she had been using this thought process to put more of a wedge between us.  It was very black and white.  We weren't' exactly alike in her mind, so she had to pull away. 

[freshlySane]

My pwBPDex use to always say she felt that our love was on different levels and she use to get so frustrated when she would ask me something i responded and shed be hurt like "were always thinking differently ours minds are never on the same thing"

[freshlySane]

People with BPD tend to enmesh with the partner versus a healthy love.  When you are enmeshed, it's like being one instead of two unique separate individuals.  They see separateness as abandonment and betrayal.  It hurts her when you don't like the drink that she thinks you both should like.  That is dysfunctional and disordered thinking.

Well she doesn't like rum and coke she told me the reason she was hurt was because i never told her i like wine and how it was like i had this whole other life that she didn't know of she felt like she didn't know me and that hurt her in some way but some how it was my fault  ... .  WHY

[benny2]

yep its true. My ex actually started picking up on my little routines. Like I had a routine every night before I went to bed. Brushing my teeth, putting on my hand cream, ect. I watched him one night go through the exact routine as I. It was also very important to him that I enjoyed the same things as him, and for the most part I did. I loved the woods and the birds and going for walks. However I could not mesh with odd immature sexual behavior and that was a reason for him to seek it elsewhere. Now I know why I was soo different from all his other women. He will never have a decent women in his life. I am no prude by any mens, but he took things to a whole different level.

[freshlySane]

yep its true. My ex actually started picking up on my little routines. Like I had a routine every night before I went to bed. Brushing my teeth, putting on my hand cream, ect. I watched him one night go through the exact routine as I. It was also very important to him that I enjoyed the same things as him, and for the most part I did. I loved the woods and the birds and going for walks. However I could not mesh with odd immature sexual behavior and that was a reason for him to seek it elsewhere. Now I know why I was soo different from all his other women. He will never have a decent women in his life. I am no prude by any mens, but he took things to a whole different level.

question did he get mad and accuse you of not caring about him if you didn't do activity that he liked ?

... .  My ex all of a sudden loved the tv show bones id watch a couple episodes and its a good show but shed watch it for hours

id want to do other things shed complain that i didn't do things with her i wasn't interested in her ...

Mind you she changed and hardly wanted to watch things i liked and when she did she acted like she did me a favor

[freshlySane]

Is it customary for them to act like the little things they do out way anything you did for them ?

[seeking balance]

People with BPD tend to enmesh with the partner versus a healthy love.  When you are enmeshed, it's like being one instead of two unique separate individuals.  They see separateness as abandonment and betrayal.  It hurts her when you don't like the drink that she thinks you both should like.  That is dysfunctional and disordered thinking.

Well she doesn't like rum and coke she told me the reason she was hurt was because i never told her i like wine and how it was like i had this whole other life that she didn't know of she felt like she didn't know me and that hurt her in some way but some how it was my fault  ... .  WHY

Rose Tiger explains this why quite well.  It is disordered thinking, not rational, but it is how many pwBPD brains work.

Is it customary for them to act like the little things they do out way anything you did for them ?

I don't think I understand this question

[BentNotBroken]

Is it customary for them to act like the little things they do out way [outweigh] anything you did for them ?

Quote from my BPDex after she found out that my friend of 20+ years, who has a young daughter, did not want BPDex at, in, or around his home:

"He doesn't want me around? But we're facebook friends!"

She hadn't spoken to my friend in months, didn't show any interest in him when he wasn't immediately present, and refused to let his daughter spend the night during an emergency situation while he was briefly staying with us.

I just read a study that there is a functional area of the brain that is active in normal people when they are receiving something from another person. In the 55 BPD test subjects this area of the brain showed no activity when receiving from another human being. They apparently have a serious hardwired perception problem when it comes to giving and receiving.

[BentNotBroken]

i do not think she mirrored me as other peoples ex's did she defiantly idealized me always found the things i talked about and things i was into was fascinating i love trivia and facts and she love to take me places and had me spit out my useless facts and she loved that about me. I mean she said she was in to comics too like me but she really wasn't but i don't know if she was mirroring me or just trying to impress me

she did think she knew me we went for drinks once and i got a rum and coke when i told her my favorite drink wasn't that she got mad at me she asked me since when i told her well i got that drink once with her we were in a club but i like wine she was mad i don't know why

She was mad because you interfered with her mirroring data collection process.

[freshlySane]

oh i get it now

[benny2]

Reply to freshlysane

He would'nt get mad at me, he would get more like depressed and childlike. He would make comments like you did'nt ejoy that or you seemed bored going out to the cabin today, and it was totally untrue. I always enjoyed doing things with him. He could not comprehend that it never mattered what we did as long as we did them together, I was happy. I think that he could not understand why someone would be happy just being with him.

[trouble11]

When mine first moved in he kept bugging me to pick something to watch on TV.  I never really cared about TV and hardly ever watched it so I didn't want to choose.  In hind sight this seemed to stress him.  Later i wished I had selected, because he ended up always wanting to watch ghost, bigfoot, zombie, and alien shows.  Also was into all the adult cartoons.  Anything that didn't involve REAL people with REAL emotions.  Hmmmmm ?