My story: from idealization to breakup in 1.5 months

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I met this beautiful young lady of 23 y/o in April of 2012 and we had an on-going flirtation for 8 months.  In that time she was with one partner who started pursuing marriage and gave her cold feet so she went back to her on/off again ex of 11 years, her perceived soul mate and they moved into together in a matter of a week or two.  Then she started to show signs of emotion and unhappiness, and even told me once that she could fall in love with me.  A month later her ex runs into some legal issues and instead of face 10-15 years of prison time, he ran off to another state abandoning her in the process with no goodbye.  Eventually she would tell me she realized immediately that it was a mistake and that they loved each other but couldn't make each other happy.  Then a few weeks later we started dating, around early December.  It was fast and furious like all the posts I've read.  The intimacy, passion, and sex was better than anything I've ever experienced.  She had it completely down how to suck a guy in through sex and kept telling me how nobody could seduce her the way I could, make her sexual when she wasn't in the mood.   A few times when we were intimate she told me she loved me, and during one argument she even alluded to her love for me without saying the actual word, telling me that i knew how she felt about me.  I did in a way, but it wasn't something I was actually feeling towards her although I knew deep inside I did love her but wasn't ready to say it.  She would mention how I made her feel like a little kid again and that I made her happy.

As quickly as the romance heated up, the only problem between us had started to surface:  whenever she had been drinking too much and we were headed to the bedroom she'd become anxious and just keep repeatedly saying she wanted to go home.  It wasn't feasible because she was intoxicated and lived an hour away, maybe she felt trapped in a way and vulnerable, not sure but it happened at least 4 or 5 times.  She wouldn't become violent, but agitated and distant and after 10 minutes of talking her through it I eventually changed her mind except once incident when my daughter was home, I started my usual attempt to satiate the issue but immediately switched to just telling her to go.  And she did leave, but within 5 minutes she had a change of heart and returned.  She said she had never come back before.

The other issues primarily stem from her insecurity.  She had told me when we first started dating that she usually had someone else to think about and with me she had none.  That was short-lived, someone she had began talking to before we started dating began to interest her more and more.  She even had this guy bring her to my place twice when she was too intoxicated to drive from work.  At first she tried to feel me out about meeting him for dinner outside of work to tell him she was seeing someone else, but it was a business dinner on a saturday which didn't make sense.  She dropped the idea quickly and decided not to even work that night and instead spend it with me.  She would eventually start spending more time talking to him at work than we could spend together with opposite schedules and only 1 matching day off each week.  The next time this guy started to surface was with a work-related party for a co-worker in which he would be attending.  She mentioned he had 3 kids, and then a few days later mentioned she had a dream she met was getting married and the ex with 3 kids objected to the marriage; she was alluding to this same individual.  A few days pass by, she goes to court for her legal issues steming from her ex that abandoned her, and a few hours later tells me we need to talk.  The talk was simple, after 1.5 months of dating, she wanted to see other people and be free, but that she still liked me and wanted to see me.  She also mentioned she felt she couldn't give me what I deserved because she was too caught up with other issues (which is true) and that it was so soon after her last falling out.   I wasn't for it, she was the one who had first mentioned becoming committed 2 weeks in and then another 2 weeks later we made it official when she brought it up again.  So I was a little angry and upset about hearing this out of nowhere (other than the signs i had mentioned) and told her that she just wanted to makeout and      other guys, which alienated her in a way.  She said she thought I'd understand.  I told her I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me so I guess it was over, and that I don't forgive and don't recycle.  We had had a discussion like this before where I told her it was better to breakup than cheat because cheat is 100% never again, but that even breaking up for someone else was probably unacceptable.  The conversation ended and a few hours later I sent her a text telling her to please go seek professional help for her uBPD (my diagnosis).

The next day I reconnected with her to have her come over to talk in-person and she did, we discussed what she wanted and that was to be friends and see where it goes.  I agreed but it hadn't quite settled in my mind yet. She mentioned how what I said hurt her (     other guys, borderline) and that i shouldn't talk to someone that way if i wanted to continue being friends with them.  She came over, we kissed a little and everything seemed normal but I knew it was far from the truth, she was interested in this guy and that was the reason she wanted to go back to dating.  She mentioned going out with me the following weekend but I knew that was just her imagination at work, that she was going to spend any free time with her new interest and that they this party in 2 days and how it went with him would dictate her time for me.

She calls me the next day to probe how my weekend went, seemed non-chalant.  2 more days pass with NC then I call her to see if she wanted to do anything that weekend, and an hour later I realized this wasn't going to work and told her I deserved better, that she was right and couldn't give me what she needed, that we should just be friends.  Followed up the following morning with another message about how I realized through all this I did love her but didn't feel it (she knew i was never emotionally attached to her yet, i'm quite guarded and never been in love), that I wanted what was best for her and that I would always love her unconditionally.  She replied back with something about how she felt like she couldn't give me what I needed and that we should just be friends.  We talk on the phone shortly there after, settle what we truly are, just friends, and she finally admitted the reason for the breakup, this other interest.  I ask her if she has more feelings for him than me to which she replied no, but that it happened so quick and she     ed herself by committing to a serious relationship with me so quickly.  I don't fault her, this guy is one thing I'm not, an extrovert and I could see why she'd be interested in him.  I ask her if I should fight for her and she said no, that it wouldn't be right to see someone else when she's dating someone.  I knew right there she was locked in on him and my mind was at ease in a way.   We then had our final conversation this morning, she called like I asked and I told her the good news, I was settled.  I wanted for her to be happy and I wanted her to pursue her other interests and see where they go, with my 100% support.  I told her that she was right, we both need to date around and see what we really want and maybe throughout all that we'd find out it was us, or maybe not.  She was happy to hear that from me and I also apologized for the 2 mean things I said.   It was a good heart-to-heart talk, the best I've ever had.  Actually the last 2 days of conversation with her were about as good as they could have been.  So here we are, no longer dating but still close friends who care about each other.  From all I've read about BPD, I feel this is the best approach at showing her how I truly do love her unconditionally.  She had known me for 8 months before we were dating, I was the same person I always was: mature, intelligent, caring, and a good person.  I wasn't like the others, controlling, abusive, immature, or overly emotional.  Dating me just reaffirmed that to her and I had become a known quantity, but something that also scared her vulnerable side.  That, I believe, is the reason she sought out this new interest, maybe not but time will tell and if it was meant to be it was meant to be.

Thanks for listening and please share your thoughts

[grad]

So I met this beautiful young lady of 23 y/o in April of 2012 and we had an on-going flirtation for 8 months.  In that time she was with one partner who started pursuing marriage and gave her cold feet so she went back to her on/off again ex of 11 years, her perceived soul mate and they moved into together in a matter of a week or two.  Then she started to show signs of emotion and unhappiness, and even told me once that she could fall in love with me.  A month later her ex runs into some legal issues and instead of face 10-15 years of prison time, he ran off to another state abandoning her in the process with no goodbye.  Eventually she would tell me she realized immediately that it was a mistake and that they loved each other but couldn't make each other happy.  Then a few weeks later we started dating, around early December.  It was fast and furious like all the posts I've read.  The intimacy, passion, and sex was better than anything I've ever experienced.  She had it completely down how to suck a guy in through sex and kept telling me how nobody could seduce her the way I could, make her sexual when she wasn't in the mood.   A few times when we were intimate she told me she loved me, and during one argument she even alluded to her love for me without saying the actual word, telling me that i knew how she felt about me.  I did in a way, but it wasn't something I was actually feeling towards her although I knew deep inside I did love her but wasn't ready to say it.  She would mention how I made her feel like a little kid again and that I made her happy.

As quickly as the romance heated up, the only problem between us had started to surface:  whenever she had been drinking too much and we were headed to the bedroom she'd become anxious and just keep repeatedly saying she wanted to go home.  It wasn't feasible because she was intoxicated and lived an hour away, maybe she felt trapped in a way and vulnerable, not sure but it happened at least 4 or 5 times.  She wouldn't become violent, but agitated and distant and after 10 minutes of talking her through it I eventually changed her mind except once incident when my daughter was home, I started my usual attempt to satiate the issue but immediately switched to just telling her to go.  And she did leave, but within 5 minutes she had a change of heart and returned.  She said she had never come back before.

The other issues primarily stem from her insecurity.  She had told me when we first started dating that she usually had someone else to think about and with me she had none.  That was short-lived, someone she had began talking to before we started dating began to interest her more and more.  She even had this guy bring her to my place twice when she was too intoxicated to drive from work.  At first she tried to feel me out about meeting him for dinner outside of work to tell him she was seeing someone else, but it was a business dinner on a saturday which didn't make sense.  She dropped the idea quickly and decided not to even work that night and instead spend it with me.  She would eventually start spending more time talking to him at work than we could spend together with opposite schedules and only 1 matching day off each week.  The next time this guy started to surface was with a work-related party for a co-worker in which he would be attending.  She mentioned he had 3 kids, and then a few days later mentioned she had a dream she met was getting married and the ex with 3 kids objected to the marriage; she was alluding to this same individual.  A few days pass by, she goes to court for her legal issues steming from her ex that abandoned her, and a few hours later tells me we need to talk.  The talk was simple, after 1.5 months of dating, she wanted to see other people and be free, but that she still liked me and wanted to see me.  She also mentioned she felt she couldn't give me what I deserved because she was too caught up with other issues (which is true) and that it was so soon after her last falling out.   I wasn't for it, she was the one who had first mentioned becoming committed 2 weeks in and then another 2 weeks later we made it official when she brought it up again.  So I was a little angry and upset about hearing this out of nowhere (other than the signs i had mentioned) and told her that she just wanted to makeout and      other guys, which alienated her in a way.  She said she thought I'd understand.  I told her I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me so I guess it was over, and that I don't forgive and don't recycle.  We had had a discussion like this before where I told her it was better to breakup than cheat because cheat is 100% never again, but that even breaking up for someone else was probably unacceptable.  The conversation ended and a few hours later I sent her a text telling her to please go seek professional help for her uBPD (my diagnosis).

The next day I reconnected with her to have her come over to talk in-person and she did, we discussed what she wanted and that was to be friends and see where it goes.  I agreed but it hadn't quite settled in my mind yet. She mentioned how what I said hurt her (     other guys, borderline) and that i shouldn't talk to someone that way if i wanted to continue being friends with them.  She came over, we kissed a little and everything seemed normal but I knew it was far from the truth, she was interested in this guy and that was the reason she wanted to go back to dating.  She mentioned going out with me the following weekend but I knew that was just her imagination at work, that she was going to spend any free time with her new interest and that they this party in 2 days and how it went with him would dictate her time for me.

She calls me the next day to probe how my weekend went, seemed non-chalant.  2 more days pass with NC then I call her to see if she wanted to do anything that weekend, and an hour later I realized this wasn't going to work and told her I deserved better, that she was right and couldn't give me what she needed, that we should just be friends.  Followed up the following morning with another message about how I realized through all this I did love her but didn't feel it (she knew i was never emotionally attached to her yet, i'm quite guarded and never been in love), that I wanted what was best for her and that I would always love her unconditionally.  She replied back with something about how she felt like she couldn't give me what I needed and that we should just be friends.  We talk on the phone shortly there after, settle what we truly are, just friends, and she finally admitted the reason for the breakup, this other interest.  I ask her if she has more feelings for him than me to which she replied no, but that it happened so quick and she     ed herself by committing to a serious relationship with me so quickly.  I don't fault her, this guy is one thing I'm not, an extrovert and I could see why she'd be interested in him.  I ask her if I should fight for her and she said no, that it wouldn't be right to see someone else when she's dating someone.  I knew right there she was locked in on him and my mind was at ease in a way.   We then had our final conversation this morning, she called like I asked and I told her the good news, I was settled.  I wanted for her to be happy and I wanted her to pursue her other interests and see where they go, with my 100% support.  I told her that she was right, we both need to date around and see what we really want and maybe throughout all that we'd find out it was us, or maybe not.  She was happy to hear that from me and I also apologized for the 2 mean things I said.   It was a good heart-to-heart talk, the best I've ever had.  Actually the last 2 days of conversation with her were about as good as they could have been.  So here we are, no longer dating but still close friends who care about each other.  From all I've read about BPD, I feel this is the best approach at showing her how I truly do love her unconditionally.  She had known me for 8 months before we were dating, I was the same person I always was: mature, intelligent, caring, and a good person.  I wasn't like the others, controlling, abusive, immature, or overly emotional.  Dating me just reaffirmed that to her and I had become a known quantity, but something that also scared her vulnerable side.  That, I believe, is the reason she sought out this new interest, maybe not but time will tell and if it was meant to be it was meant to be.

Thanks for listening and please share your thoughts

[trouble11]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but 1.5 months ... .  YOU ARE SOO LUCKY.  She was 23 so I'm assuming you aren't much older.  Yet you knew it was BPD. Do you mind if I ask how? 

[grad]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, but 1.5 months ... .  YOU ARE SOO LUCKY.  She was 23 so I'm assuming you aren't much older.  Yet you knew it was BPD. Do you mind if I ask how? 

I'm 37.

I figured out she had BPD by reading the forums and actually I had figured it out before we were dating and in the flirting phase.  She came forth with the details of her past:

1) her and her 1 year older sister were molested by her stepfather 4-8 y/o then he was killed in an auto accident

2) mother has mental illness

3) blacked out and cut herself on the left arm and left thigh somehow



And once during one of her lucid moments after I calmed down her alcohol-induced anxiety attack "wanna go home fit", she snapped out of it quickly and said she needed to stop doing this and i brought up my suspicion she has BPD.  She asked me what were the symptoms and I told her, and she said yes, that's her, what's the treatment.  I don't think she remembered the conversation.  She's never been to a therapist and uses health clinics over doctors.

I also found a lot of similarities by reading this board post break-up.

[BentNotBroken]

You got lucky. I would stay far away from her. Friend to my BPDex means: I use you, until I get what I want and then I discard you because I have no use for you.

23 & 37 and you knew she was likely BPD. Hmm, if it were my daughter I might have hoped she took a bigger piece out of you. There is actually a web site or two focused on how to take advantage of BPD women. I don't recommend playing with fire that can easily catch and burn your whole life to the ground.

I don't care how hot the next woman looks, first sign of BPD I am walking the other direction.

Oh, and if I had a dollar for every BPD victim story where the BPD was molested as a kid and the alleged abuser is now dead or whereabouts unknown (ie no way to verify facts) I would be a very rich man.

Think about it for a minute: A sexually abused child is the ultimate victim. No way to dispute that or even question it. BPD gets an immediate pass for bad behavior, and an excuse for horrific treatment of others. "I was molested as a child, therefore its not my fault." Prove it. Based on my BPDex's false stories about me, I don't believe a single one of the abuse stories she told me. She lies to get sympathy, and from what I have read about other BPD's she fits the pattern pretty well. If you don't believe me, read some of the family forum threads about BPD kids making false molestation accusations about family, teachers, etc.

It is especially sickening because there are kids getting molested, and resources are wasted chasing down false allegations that could be better used to protect a kid that is really being abused. Yes, I know they are mentally ill and they can help it, but the same excuse could be applied to the molesters and look at where we put them.

[GreenMango]

Grad you were involved with a very young woman who's been through, from what you've written, some pretty awful things.  She's seen a lot of the hard side of life for one so young.  On top of all that is the natural immaturity/naivete of one so young and the possibility of have some very real trauma.

She does sound like she needs to figure out some things in her life.

It's good to know you care for her, parted as friends and wish her well.

So what next for you? 

[grad]

Her sister even mentioned the same story so I have no reason to not believe them.   While talking the story over with another ex, I did remember one incident that seemed to fit the timeline as the main trigger that started the breakup.  It was our biggest argument we had.

About 3 weeks ago we went to an acquaintance of mine's house and on the ride there she was mentioning how she only wanted to pursue serious relationships that had a future.  Once we got there she mentioned, "You are so beautiful" in front of them and I replied, "She says that all the time, I don't believe her" and pushed away her advances for affection when I involved in a intellectual conversation with them.  On the ride home, she got pissed.  She told me she did the guy's laundry and that's why she disappeared into the laundry room (adjacent the kitchen we were hanging out at).  She also said that I wasn't ready for a relationship with her and was ignoring her the whole time.

After that time is when the constant mentioning of this other individual started to increase and her  interest in seeing him outside of work.

As far as what's next for me, it's to start seeing other people.  I know the feelings we had for each other are still there as it's evident from talking to her. But I don't want her to have any regrets and feel like once she has had enough time to date other people (this tool will not last more than 2 months) she may figure out that she still wants to be with me.  I was so different than anyone else she had dated and she felt like I deserved better than her, but over time she may realize that was just her fears.  Or she may realize that I'm not what she wanted at all and it saves us the trouble.  But I feel that this time apart, after what we had, is good for both of us to reassess what we really had together.  I'm pretty sure she was someone she could see herself marrying but she didn't know if that was just her heightened vulnerability because of the recent drama she's been through or perhaps her natural feelings for someone who was "all good"

Anytime I talk to her it feels like I'm still painted white.

Her relationship timeline is like this:

Lost virginity at 13.

On/Off again ex of 11 years from 13-15

Controlling boyfriend from 15-17

Abusive boyfriend from 18-20

On/Off again ex of 11 years from 20-22

Another guy 22-23

Me 1.5 months

New guy 1 week

It doesn't seem like she does the constant push/pull breakup makeup as bad as the other BPD  and I may have been an extreme case to have it end so quickly because of the argument we had and her mixed emotions about how much I could really love her, being I've never been "in love" before.