I am shattered and devastated by breakup

[In Pieces]

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Hello Everyone,

I am new here and my entire self has been shattered.  I will try to make a long story short, but it appears I am dealing with so many of the same things fellow Non's went thru pre and post breakup with my BPD girlfriend.

Two years ago I was in a unhappy marriage and just hanging in for the children.  I felt very lonely and without purpose.  Out of the blue I former friend/ coworker from two years prior contacted me.  I had not heard from her since she left our company.  She had recently divored her husband of a year and a half.  We always had a magnatism with one another.  We began texting, then talking, and eventually seeing each other.  The relationship took off quickly.  I am ten years her elder (30 and 40), but she said she didnt care.  We fell in love quickly.  It was intense and and was certain I found my soul mate.  She constantly told me how much she loved me, how happy I made her, and how she wanted us to grow old together.

She had little direction in life at the time... .  working for her parents business and living at home and she felt she lacked a sense of purpose.  I movitated her to follow her dreams and go back to school for her Masters.  Mapped out what she needed to do.  Found a program that would work for her.  Wrote her application for her.  Helped her establish her own life again in her own apartment.  Her parents were going to financial support her as she went to school.  She seemed so appreciative and loving towards me.  Told me I was her soul mate and to never leave her... .  even if she ran.  I look back on that now and see it for what it was.  She had very few, if any, close friends when I met her and my large group of wonderful friends accepted her with open arms.  She blamed her lack of friends on her ex husband who she claimed was controlling.

She started school and I began my personal divorce process at the same time.    Soon after school began she became very overwhelmed, stressed and depressed.  She starting isolating herself from social situations... .  making excuses not to do things.  She texted and called me 100 times a day and told me how much she loved me, needed me, and dont give up on her.  She began to have what I would call very aggitated emotional 'fits' out of no where.  Sometime directed at me, other people, or for no reason at all.  They were usually short lived, but began to happen more frequently.  Her older brother suffers from Bipolar1 and we had discussed she may have bipolar 2.  She openly accepted at the time that she may have a mood disorder and would address it over school break this past December.  Asked me for a referall from my personal therapist and i obtained one for her.

throughout October and November she began to change with me.  Getting aggitated over small things, critizing me, becoming extremely jealous over little things.  She suffered from constant intense anxiety and blamed it on the stresses of school.  She began complaining about our friends, cutting them off over imagined injustices.  I remained patient and caring, despite the increase in 'fits' and volatile mood swings. 

Enter December 14th, the last day of her classes... I came over to her place and she was in the midst of a huge fit.  Bouncing between extreme aggitation and deep sadness.  She was being very cruel and hurtful to me and ended the relationship out of nowhere, saying we were unhealthy.  I was devasted and nothing I could say seemed to be getting thru.  Over the next six weeks there were just a couple phone conversations, but I sent an email once a week reaassuring her how much I loved her and that everything is okay.  She stated that it was important for me to maintain her boundaries, but could never verbalize what those were.  I thought she was just in a bipolar depression.  Any suggestion of medical help just aggitated her at this point.  Her responses were always cold and detached, as if she were a different person.  I remained sweet and caring in all my coresspondence.

A few weeks ago my therapist suggested that it sounds like she has borderline personality disorder, due to her current behavior and details of her past that I have left out... .  lying about past relationships, job changing every few months, constant changing of goals and ambitions, and deserting past relationships at the drop of a hat.  Our last conversation for 2 hours last weekend consisted of her just belittling me and critizing everything about me, but that we were going to work on being friends.  I love her deeply and wanted to help her.  The following day I was informed by a mutual friend that she went home with another guy from a bar for the night and stayed with him.  This was verified by several sources and I was devasted beyond belief.  I still had so much hope and the entire path of my life moving forward was layed out with the anticipation of us being together.  We talked about it all the time.  This took place a week before my final divorce hearing.

I was so hurt and angry.  She called me the following day and I told her I  knew what she had done and that she was pure evil.  I followed that up with a couple berating emails and said some very hurtful things.  I did not threaten her, but lashed out at her in an immature way.  I am so ashamed of the things I said to her out of hurt,anger and frustration... .  it is not the person I am.  The following day she filed a no contact order with the police.

I am crushed!  The person whom I thought was my soulmate dismissed me like a piece of trash.  I was her best friend one day and pure evil the next.  Her entire perception and treatment of me changed out of no where.  My life has been turned upside down.  I hate her and love her with all my heart at the same time.  I am in so much pain right now and I dont know how to process it.  Please help.  Two years of my life seem to have been a lie.

[Newton]

In pieces, I am truly sorry to hear about what you have been through.  You are in the right place.  Your story is very similar to many members here.

Do you have friends and family to reach out to at the moment? It sounds like you've had a really traumatic experience. It's essential you look after yourself right now.  Post as much as you need to, there are always people online who will understand the pain you are in.

[benny2]

I have been one week NC now and today I asked myself these questions. Why do I miss him so much? What do I miss. Do I miss the constant uneasiness that was there almost everytime we were together? NO. Do I miss the menipulation games, the lieing, the cheating, the constant mood swings, never knowing who I was coming home to? NO. Do I miss the queesy feeling in my stomach that never seemed to go away? NO. Do I miss the anticipation of being recycled back into his life? NO. Theres really not much I miss anymore, so why am I missing him!

[In Pieces]

Thank you for your responses.  I do have family and great friends, yet I feel so alone.  They were tired of the drama and all had been split black so long ago that they are frustrated with me for still caring so deeply.  She was my best friend and I miss her so much.  My friends can so easily point out all the endless negative events and drama over the past year, but for some reason my mind just goes to the happy, loving times.  I have this deep desire to help her, yet I know this is an absurd emotion to have after having a no contact order filed against me.  After everything I did for her and all the love and kindness that I gave her, I am left feeling like a complete fool.  My heart, self-esteem, and confidence are utterly broken.  How long before this pain subsides?  I can't take much more of it.

[Newton]

I know exactly where you are coming from.  Friends and family often have difficulties understanding why and how we are attached to someone who has treated us so poorly.

I'd suggest doing some research on "trauma bonds".  It may help explain what you are experiencing right now.

Us caregiver types often exhibit saviour tendencies that are detrimental to our own well being.  What you are describing is very familiar to me.  Do you have a therapist for support? I found it incredibly valuable.  Recovery from this will take time, there is great information and support for you, you've found a good place.

[In Pieces]

Thank you for the advice.  I will google it now.  I just started seeing (one session) a therapist who treats BPD.  It has helped immensely so far.  I still feel so ashamed for my behavior.  I was so hurt and frustrated that I said and emailed some really mean things to her... .  calling her mentally ill, a slut, lyer, wishing her nothing but misery in her life.  It is not who I am and I can't believe I did it.

[wb1233]

In pieces

Your story is very similar to mine. I'm 44 and my uBPDexgf is 33. Absolutely gorgeous. She was my best friend too. We were together for 3 years and she just officially broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I met her when she was getting divorced out of a 14 year marriage. It was love at first sight for both of us. Very intense. We were always together. Our fist 2 years were great with the occasional emotional breakdowns and some fights. I also saw her through school which brought on anxiety and depression as well. It seems like major moves in their lives trigger their disorder. She wanted to get married desperately as soon as her divorce was final.  It continued though our relationship but I was reluctant. Something in my gut told me something was not right. I eventually bought her a wedding ring in Sept.

I bought us a new home and we officially moved in together last March and by Sept. she moved back in with her Mom and daughter. Right after I bought her the ring it seems. We started going to see T's, through her request, because the fighting escalated from her end. Criticism. Nonsensicle arguments. Not listening to reason. My T suggested Stop Walking on Eggshells and the FOG started to lift. Having found out that cheating was major part of BPD, I pressed her by telling her I knew she cheated. She confessed. She had a 1 night stand in Veags a year and a half into our relationship. She had never givin me reason not to trust her. I chose to forgive her.  Well, in the course she started a new job and got her own place in Dec. That's when it all came crashing down. She said I needed to let her go and she needed to let me go. I was devasted and nothing I could say seemed to be getting thru. There's been very little contact for personal belongings.

I too am devasted. It hurts really bad. Our families were close and I had hopes of marrying her and spending the rest of my life with her. Best thing to do is go NC. It wasn't you. There is a thread on here you have to find. Posted by 2010. FROM IDEALIZTION TO DEVALUATION-WHY WE STRUGGLE. Reply #7. It is a clinical view of what happened to you. It will bring you to tears. It did for me.

Stand strong and be courageous!

[really]

In pieces,

My story is very similar to mine as well... .    I'm 39, ex is 29... and stunning.

Very intense, talked about marriage, bought engagement ring, told me she wanted my babies, but at same time was still seeing her ex and then dumped me cold Christmas before last for another guy who she met through colleague at her new work - we previously worked together but she left so we could be together as I was a partner at the firm and she was an employee.

Really recommend the article that WB1223 reommended. 

I know how shattering this is.    Made me question myself in a big way.    Really recommend 2010's posts.     I also cried reading that post again last night.

[ThrownAway]

Hi In Pieces, sadly my story is also the same.

3 months ago I came home from work and my ex was waiting at our apt with a restraining order, 2 cops and a moving van.  I was evicted from my home in the most brutal and vicious way possible.  She later dropped the order as it was nothing but lies and I would have easily won at trial.  She used the courts as a way to take our apt, our furniture and silence me.  I have not talked to her once in the 3 months since.  I only saw her once and that was at the first hearing, she was cold as ice. 

I'm still considering suing her for libel and malicious prosecution.  I really want to but it will cause so much more grief and stress that I'm not sure I can go through it.  MAKE SURE you show up at the first hearing date with an attorney.  Had I shown up alone, she likely would have gotten a 2 year PERMANENT order against me with NO EVIDENCE.  Even though it's only a civil case, it will still go on your record and show up on background checks.  You will also lose some civil liberties such as gun ownership.  Do not let her do this to you.  If you need any help, please let me know as I have unfortunately learned so much about this blatant abuse of power.