I´m really sad, moments before breakup

[Tormenta]

Hi,

I write here because I am really sad. This morning I was hopeful and decided to go on with my relationship with my BF and now I feel really bad because he is about to break up again with me.

We were really good together, this time it´s been 5 months without any problems, a wonderful relationship.

Two weeks ago he started to be very clingy, he was strange and then he told me he was going to visit his exwife because she told him that there was mail for him in their exhome. Then I knew why he was acting strange, everytime he becomes mad he was nervous and anxious to visit her. The first time he broke up with me was the same day he went to visit her to check the mail. He said: "I have left my ex crying and I´m going to leave you crying too". This is when he becomes the cruel part of himself.

This time everything was going OK and then this time I don´t know what happened but he decided not to talk about his visit to her and acted that strange. He doesn´t want to go back with her, as he could have done it many times.

I was very nervous, knowing that we were in the phase when he would find anything to trigger his anger and he would break up with me again. We went to have lunch with some friends and he said that I was annoying and said in front of me that the waitress was "nice" and she wasn´t specially nice, I mean, he can look other girls freely, he has eyes, he said that looking at me, he was in the phase when I am not good for him so he wants to defeat me. I guess it´s that, what do you think?

So, I tried to understand that he is stressed and that didn´t affect me, but the moment arrived:

he doesn´t want me to take pictures of him but I thought that was something that people say: "don´t take pictures... .  " during our travels I took pictures of him from the back, trying to make a good view, I mean, the city with his figure from the back looking at it. I loved them, they lookes artistic. I showed these pictures to him everytime and he smiled and rolled eyes. During our last travel he posed for me from the front, we took a picture together also. And he sent me some pictures from the past.

So I told him I was going to print some pictures to decorate my bedroom and he was OK with that - but that was before he entered this "down" phase. I printed the pictures of him from the past that he sent me, the picture of us together and two that he had seen, when he was taken from the back but he liked before, among with other pictures of my sister, my friends, views and myself.

I went to his house to showed him the printed pictures, as they were very pretty in my opinion, but he started to critize all of them, like: "poor pictures" and rolling eyes with my family and my own photos. When he saw one of his pictures he got mad and then he saw the rest of the pictures and exploded. He started to yell that I don´t respect him and that I had no right of what I´ve done.

I didn´t understand what was bothering him so much, he told me that I have no right to take pictures of him and I took them and even printed them! I tried to explain: "but... .  first of all I´m sorry, please, listen, these pictures... .  you sent them to me and in this one you are posing and... .  " but he didn´t listen, I said that I was sorry that I didn´t understand that that would bother him so much and I was sorry and he was furious and repeated that I had no right and don´t respect him. I tried to explain that it was not my intention, that I respect him very much and ask what I could do to compensate my mistake. He was furious, and I said that if he wanted I could break his pictures if that could make him feel better but he didn´t want me to do that.

It was time to go back to my home, he gave a kiss in the cheek and said: "you, annoying". I tried not to  act angrily myself. He said that he was not going to kiss me to punish me. So I left kissing his cheek.

The next day I sent him emails as usual but he didn´t answer. I was feeling very unhappy, specially because today it´s my birthday. I tried not to be angry, though. I asked him to come to my home and he said he was too busy at work. He arrived late and told me that I could go with him to his house. I decided to go and he told me his problems at work but he didnt want to kiss me. I kissed him anyway and he was like he liked it but didn´t want it. So I talk to him about the news and usual things and he was upset and sarcastic. I was going home so I was going to kissed him goodbye  but he didn´t let me, he said that not kissing him or having sexual contact with him was my punishment.

I got home terribly angry because I felt abandoned and that that was enough, I felt like he passed my limits of respect a lot. I read a book I have about anger and my anger went away, so I wrote him an email telling him that I was sorry and asking him to please stop punish me because it was not my intention to hurt him and that I would not repeat that again (... .  printing his pictures... .  ) so I asked him to stop giving me that treatment because I was sorry and I loved him and anyway I was sending him hugs and kisses. As he told me that when he was angry he could not control his emotions althought he wanted to, I copied and pasted two sentence of the anger management book that helped me, the sentences say that we get angry because we suffer and we assume that people make us bad things in purpose but most of the time people is acting the best that they can simply.

I went to bed and I had a bad day today because I wrote an email saying good morning, etc and he didn´t answer. But is was as usual these weeks. I read a lot of thing here and I feld happier and hopeful and I called him after work to check that everything was OK. He answered nicely and went to celebrate my birthday with the rest of our friends. He looked as usual, he was looking at me smiling the most part of the time, he laughed with me, talked about things, took care of giving me drinks and food... .  everything was fine.

So the party ended and we said goobye and we walked together. He said that he was really angry because he had read the email and I can´t understand him at all. That he is not angry with me, that he was angry but now he is not, he is just hurt and as terribly hurt he is, he doesn´t want to be near the cause of his pain (aka, me) that how could I say in my email that he is punishing me? He is just spliting so I won´t hurt him again. I told him that what I tried to say in my email is that I love him, that I´m sorry and that I didn´t know he was going to be hurt at all, but he said that he thinks that when someone hurts him that person has to suffer the consequences. I told him that that could be with stranger but not with the people around him that love him and hurt him by mistake but he said that some damages are irreversible and I must suffer the consequences.

He said that he looked tough but was to vulnerable and that if fire burns you you run away from fire. I told him that I don´t want him to leave and that I want to make anything to make him feel better and this is not the case of a fire because the fire always burns, this is the case of a coat that by accident one day catches him with the zip. I told him these things knowing that he does not think about it for anything but looking for bad things about me, so that he can remember them when he comes back to his not hurt and angry state.

He said that he was going to split anyway but that we could talk about it having lunch another day. I said that I love him and I don´t want him to disappear but that I know how this works and I´ll wait until he decided to appear so he kissed me in the cheek and left.

This is not an official breakup but I know that next time he appears he will find a reason to breakup or act mean once, twice, etc because this has happened four times before (this is going to be his fifth breakup in a year and a half).

When we started the other times I promised myself that this time I was not going to cry or have a bad time. The other times I cried and suffered a lot of pain. Now I´m not crying but I can´t sleep and feel very miserable.

I don´t think I will be able to cope with another breakup and spent a month or so apart and again the same evolution until we are together again.

We were going to have lunch in a very nice restaurant this weekend for my bithday and now it is all gone wrong. I can´t stop thinking that the reason for his breakup is stupid and a nonsense but I know that that is not the main reason, it´s the BPD.

I´m going to have very bad days. I have some alternative plans for the weekend but in my experience, when he leaves me, I go out and hate this places and activities. I can´t concentrate or enjoy.

I just want to be another person with another life or to take a plain a start  living in another country with another job and another chance to meet someone who could love me and compromise, who will say that he wants me to live with him and have a future together.

How can I cope with this? Must I be hopeful and just let time go without losing hope that he will come back like the other times? How can I enjoy things by myself again?

I feel in a nightmare.

Can you give me advice and share some experiences with me, please? :'(

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[HarmKrakow]

First of all a hug   and some   for the birthday.

I've been in your shoes and it's hard to realize someone behaves that way because of the BPD. I would say, but this is hard, to stop engaging as it seems you are fuelling his illness and start visiting a therapist.

You really need to question yourself if you want this pain to continue, this is your life, your party, is this what you want? You only live once my dear and it's not worth it to waste so many years away for someone who, and bare with me, can't love you on an adult level...

Ive been in the typical push and pull r/s and it will just drain you empty. You might be right and that you can't take another hit...

[Katlvr]

I really really feel for you... I am so sorry you are going thru this... I have been with my BPD BF for about 4 yrs now and he has broken up with me many times... in fact whenever he rages he will say we are thru... even going so far as to wish me dead... its very hurtful... I am so in love with him too... one day he is affectionate and says I am such a good person, another day I am a slut a btch horrible wished I was dead... etc... again I am sorry you are going thru this... mine will give me silent treatment for several days and then come back... not sure if yours is that way since he has the ex... I hope everything works out ok... hang in there... I am so sorry hon... I totally know your pain...

[elemental]

I am not the best at doing this, but him saying to you that since he feels hurt, you have to be punished... .  

My BPD wanders in and out. We were rock solid on daily time together for 3 years, then it became a nightmare of disappearances and silent treatment. After a while, you get used to it, the shock eventually wears off.

With your guy? Right now if I were you, I would go quiet on him. This streak of malice he has in justifying the cruelty to you? I don't like it. But my advice is still the same under all conditions: YOU take control this time. You pull back, you go quiet and you find a lot of things to do that don't involve apologizing and letting him inflict this deliberate punishment on you.

Here on this site I see that we are teaching ourselves lessons about how we first treat ourselves and how we treat other people.  You come first. He doesn't get to abuse you. While he is running around feeling all tormented and put upon like Heathcliffe or something, come here and learn ways to handle him and yourself so when he comes back, you can shift the balance and get healthier. For you most of all.

[laelle]

Please dont let your fear of past situations cloud your ability to handle the situation today.  You have the tools and you have all of us.

Calm down and dont second guess what will happen.  Let it ride and take it one step at a time.  You are judging yourself so harshly.  You dont deserve that.  How he feels is important, I understand that.  But its not necessary to please him all the time and upset yourself when he isnt.

This time will be different.  Not because he changes, but because you change your reaction to it.  You have the control to do that.

Keep us updated.  I understand what you are going through btw.  I've been there and I even revisit it from time to time.

[Foreverhopefull]

First 

My husband asked for divorce a few times in the last 19 years, usually comes with times of extreme stress or emotional overdrive. I feel it's a way for them to deal with abandonment. They think they are not worth being around, so they try to "abandon" you first. Just so they feel in control.

You need to take a step back and think about what you want in your relationship, is the pain that you are feeling now something that you can detach yourself from or is it something that will bring you down each time it happens.

You need to think about what you want and from there decide what you wish to do about this relationship. It's not an easy task, but it's a necessary task to do for yourself.

[Tormenta]

Thanks for the comments, this is helping me so much to cope with the sadness and anger! Reading your comments and your stories and comments on other topics help me a lot! This is really supportive 

Now he is giving me the silent treatment but as I told him that I was going to leave him split until he wanted to (he was not thinking of coming back at all, of course). He wrote me an email this morning saying: "Good morning, do you want me to park the car nearer you house in case you needed?" and that´s all. He takes my car for work and during the weekends he usually take it back to my house so I could visit my parents or drive him somewhere. If I hadn´t find this website and read your comments, I would be super sad the rest of the day but not now. I just answered "Good morning! thank you, it´s not necessary as I´ve spent the weekend in the city, in case I need it I will go to take the keys myself, of course you can use it meanwhile if you like."

harmkrakow,

thank you very much! 


Yes, I know you have been in my shoes because you understand me very well. During the bad times what you say is exactly what comes into my mind. I ask myself: "Will I find myself in some years abandoned and empty?" and my mind says yes but then I decide to live the moment and hope for the best, did that happen to you, too? Do you mind if I ask you about your personal story? You don´t have to answer if you don´t want to, of course.

I don´t want this in my life, I wonder if I will have the energy to cope with this and improve my relation with him. Not only I´m in love with him, there are a lot of things I will lose if he disappears, I learn a lot when I´m with him and my life in general has improved a lot during this year. I mean, that kind of person that makes you evolve into a more responsible, caring, calm person? I have learned a lot and feel that I can learn more. My problem is when he goes so down in this dettached and angry phase that he is rude and disappears. I don´t want that in my life but I want the rest. I don´t want to be treated without respect but I want to be near him. Do you understand me, don´t you? 


Katlvr,

I really feel for you, too, so he wished you dead? You must be very strong, wow, 4 years. How do you react when he says that he wish you dead and that kind of things?

How do you manage to stay fine during the time that he goes away?

My BPD BF acts very similar to yours, except that he gives me silent treatment for days - like a week - then if he comes back it´s for breaking up, then he disappears and looks like a different, mean person during a month, during that time he writes me weird things to have me there and then he comes back. Didn´t you decide one day that that was enough and thought of not being there when he ended his silent treatment to him?

About his exwife, his relationship was strange. They spent like 5 years in a relationship living in different cities. He said that she was different to other people and she used to say that they were just friends but their life was the one of a couple. Except that they used to drink very much, smoke maria everyday and take other drugs from time to time. Coke and MMA was what they most took.

Then he moved to this city, where she is living, and started to live together. His friends told me that his ex was quite strange, that she used to go on vacation alone, that she was always smoking maria and that after their breakup he found her near their house kissing very sexually to her best girlfriend - I mean, she was acting weird, doesn´t she? He told me two stories of their breakup: 1) that he didn´t like their life together, as he used to cook, clean and even decorate their home while she was always drinking, smoking and going out until late at night alone or with friends and he was algo drinking and taking drugs with her, so he told her that they were old enough to have a quieter life, that he could not continue like that and she decided that she didn´t want to change her life and ask him to leave their home. 2) that he was very mean to her and she could only see that things, and not the good things he also has, that he gave her so many problems that he made her hair grow white until she finally kick him out. But their friends told me that she has a very bad temper and she didn´t treat him right. I don´t know. They lived 3 years together and 1 year in crisis. What do you think?

elemental,

Yes, yes, how can he say that I have to be punished? I have to swallow my pride and anger and I really look calm because he should´t see that he is affecting me as he really does. That´s humiliating and I say to myself that it´s the BPD.

So, you mean that for you it´s not exactly a cycle of being nice and then nightmare? How is he now?

I made up my mind that I will follow your advice, thanks a lot. It sounds really, really good. Other times I would have been thinking about him, trying to make him feel I´m sorry again... .  this time will be different. I think that if I start now, at this moment, my life is going to change or the better, with or without him. Thank you for the advice and the support.

laelle,

I´ve read a topic recently about you and I´m so happy for you 

Yes, you are right and thanks for saying that I don´t deserve that treatment, hearing that makes me feel better! During the moment I felt that if I got angry or confronted him he will leave me that instant and things will get worse but you are right! I have a lot to learn.

Your words of support are lovey 


Foreverhopefull,

Yes, what happens with your husband is similar with my bf, as he once said during a breakup: "OK, this is finished, it´s over. I don´t want to be hurt, this is self defence, it´s that I´m scared that you will leave me and hurt me but I don´t care, go away." I didn´t expect that, what was on his mind I don´t know, I was all surprise and "what is happening here?"

What are the points or things that keep you there, with energy, staying with him?

How did you learn to cope with the downs during your husband´s downs?

Thank you for the advice. This makes me calm down and start to think what I want and if this is what I want what can I do to feel in control during the bad times.

[Tormenta]

Sorry for my mistakes in English!

Tormenta.

[laelle]

I completely understand your worry.  I know my bf is quick to start an all out war if I catch him at the wrong moment.  Its important that you speak your mind using SET and DEARMAN when you really need to, but to also let some of it roll off your back. Sometimes when mine gets angry or grumpy, I try to accept it like I do my Dad.  My dad is a grumpy individual, but he loves me very much.  I also give him space, but show concern.

Eventually he comes out of his mood, and everything goes back to a normal relationship.  My relationship is not perfect, but I am less sensitive to the bad moments.  That is what matters to me... .  how happy and healthy I am.

[Rockylove]

   No need to apologize for your "mistakes in English"  I believe we can all understand your point regardless

It sounds like you are struggling with several different issues here.  Maybe the 1st thing would be to see yourself as independent of his emotions because they aren't about you anyway.  The good times can be so good that we forget that we are to care for and responsible for our own well being.  Getting lost in the relationship will make it difficult for one to be objective.  It sounds to me as though you are taking better care of him than you are of yourself.  You are not the relationship... .  you are part of it.  

This man may be wonderful, but I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling hearing that he feels the need to punish you.  Although I'm finding the BPD relationship is unusual at best, we are still partners in it~~no one has the right to dominate you, nor must you submit in order to keep peace.  I understand how you feel when he's upset with something you've done that appears to anger him.  I've been there many times and have tripped over myself apologizing for something that I thought I'd done "wrong" when the reality was that HE was over-reacting and it had little or nothing to do with what I had done or was doing.  

Take care of yourself and know that you've got lots of support here.

[elemental]

It was my perception. When you have a point of reference, you have an expectation of how something is likely to be.

I had no point of reference. My expectations were of love and kindness and decent behavior. Despite my past. I had a fairy tale in mind and I really believed it was possible. So imagine how shocked and disbelieving and horrified I was when fairy tale impacted reality... .  

At this point, as long as I remain calm and temperate, he tends to be available. Problem is the trauma of the past, triggers, and my resignation to what is likely to be.

But, when you know something can happen, you are braced for it, and the impact doesn't go into you the way it does when you are not protecting yourself. That is what I learned through detachment. And I still have really bad times :/ but I at least understand why to enough degree I am not so torn to bits on it.

[Tormenta]

laelle,

thanks, I have to study the techniques, I have read about SET but know nothing about DEARMAN, which sounds nice, that´s a good name for a communication technique, isn´t it? 

I have no idea of doing what you say,  how to give space and show concern at the same time 

Rockylove,

Thank you for your opinion, I think that you are right. During the "down phase" I can see that I get lost but I don´t know how to get out, I feel that if I don´t take care of him and forget about me he will explode very badly, in an irreversible way. Do you understand me? During the OK phase there´s no problem with this. But I think that as you are completely right, I just have to know how to maintain my wellbeing with kindness and firmness   difficult! I mean, if he comes back, etc 

Yes, it´s so bad that he wants to punish me... .  when I asked him to stop doing that he said that he wasn´t punishing me, it´s that a bad act has consequences and the one who acts badly has to face the irreversible consequences.

And it´s exactly! as you say: apologizing for something that it´s not anybody´s fault but his overreaction!

The thing is, althought for me he is not acting correctly at all (how can he treat me like I´m his enemy?) he looks very, very hurt. He said: "I´m telling you what I won´t tell others, that I´m too vulnerable, that things hurt too much!  :'(" Of course at the same time as he was cruel to me, OK, but I can tell he is in deeply suffering for whatever it´s on his mind 

Of course I won´t accept some things as physical violence and he also doesn´t offend me more than calling me "annoying" and "needy" and things like that, but these things are subtly and hurting a lot.

Can I ask you about a situation when you had to apologize for a nonsense for you?

I can´t understand why he doesn´t see that none in the world (just exageration) may think that printing his pictures will be such a fault of respect to him - except certain people in the world who thinks that a camera takes their soul... .   


Thank you very much for your support 


elemental,

Yes, it´s that: as long as I stay calm and firm he is OK, I usually feel that I have no right or moment to feel stressed or negative around him - this usually means complaining about work with my sister, for example. It´s making the constant effort to look to the positive things always, do you feel the same? And anyway, knowing that the splitting part will happen anyway  :'(

I´m goint to be inspired by you and if he comes back I´ll have your words in mind. Thank you 



This board has changed everything, this is great! I don´t know how to thank you for your replies and the comments on the board! I´m not fine but I´m OK.

It´s the advice, the support and the shared stories. I don´t feel alone and miserable any more.

Of course I have angst and frustration but I can manage it, it´s OK.

I didn´t contact him except when he did.

We were going to celebrate my birthday this weekend, I was going to take him to a fancy restaurant he chose. He wrote me yesterday morning:

SO - Greetings! If you don´t mind I don´t want to have lunch today.

T - I´m going to the course I told you. Listen, you are not obligued to have lunch, if you want to go another day we can go.   Have a nice day, OK? Kisses.

SO - OK, thanks! I need space. I´m not ignoring or leaving you, but... .  

T - It´s OK, no problem. Kiss.

He hasn´t contact me anymore but it´s OK.

This weekend I went to a course which was very funny and also had a nice lunch with friends. I have walked a lot enjoying the sun. At the end of the afternoon, going back to my home alone (roommates on vacation) looked sad and depressing but it was OK, having dinner, reading and checking this board. Today I decided to go on with my decoration project, also going back to my local political group activities support, it´s fine. I miss him but it´s OK. Sometimes the anger and some terrible sadness approach but I remind me that I´m in control. It´s different from the other 4 times he brokeup with me, that I couldn´t stop crying at home and outside, alone or with friends.

Also, not crying is making me feel another thing: relieved from stress and tension.

Thank you all.

[laelle]

Giving him time to take care of his emotions, while giving yourself time to take care of yours.  You can do this while still showing you are supportive in the relationship. 

I'm going to take a couple of hours to do some shopping, etc etc.  I will be back shortly.  Is there anything special you would like me to pick up for you?

[laelle]

Actions and consequences, I get that one alot.  I say phooey to that.  Let him ignore me, ... .  because he wont get the opportunity to yell at me for it.  I dont take the bait often.

[Rockylove]

Tormenta, I can give you MANY examples because there have been many times that I've apologized for something that had nothing to do with me, but I'll spare you    and give you just a couple. 

I was doing the laundry.  He was perfectly content to let me do all of it and I didn't mind.  One day I handed him his pile of folded clothes and he exploded about me folding his socks incorrectly!  I'd been folding the same way for a couple of months and had heard nothing about it from him before.  He was so angry and ugly about it and I was really confused and hurt by the name calling and anger.  I promised him that I'd never fold his socks that way again, but he was still so angry and I felt that I'd truly done something terribly offensive to him.  I spent the next several days in apology mode.

#2  My bf was taking a piano tuning class and was doing well with the written work/tests, but couldn't quite "get" the practical side of tuning.  For several months he had the tuner hooked to my piano and left there to collect dust.  He didn't touch it once that I'd seen (you could tell because of the layer of dust was undisturbed).  I was working out of town and only home on the weekends so we would frequently text messages back and forth.  One day he just absolutely blew up when I texted him a message and called me some really awful names.  He said that he could never get anything done because I wouldn't leave him alone to work on his piano tuning, that I text relentlessly, and was trying to keep him from succeeding.

I felt horrible about it!  We were really new in our relationship and having someone behave so hatefully toward me was devastating!  I tried desperately to make it up to him and again, fell over myself apologizing.

There was really nothing that I'd done to deserve such a reaction from him and no reason that I should feel the need to "make it all right" but I got a verbal lashing and retreated to what I knew best... .  co-dependent behaviors!  I tried to "fix" whatever it was even though I'd no earthly idea what it was that set him off so badly!  As I've come to know him, I realize that when he's feeling badly about himself (insecure) he will lash out at me. 

It's difficult at first to accept that it's not us that they are angry at~~we are just the target that gets hit when the bullets fly!