You are so welcome - we need it too The screen name yeah well it fits most times nonstop going
Those questions are just the ones that came up while I "put myself in your shoes" - the same questions I felt when I felt invalidated at the hospital with the social worker though the P and T docs totally got it.
When my dd was called manipulative and willful by some of the nurses - I agreed as she knew what was expected of her, can behave appropriately, knew cause/effect etc. Then I started to learn more about emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, impulsiveness etc. So to call her behavior such assumed her actions were intentional or deliberate implying she thought it through devising a scheme to get her way - to choose to act this way. We are often taught all of our behaviors are a choice... . we can choose to do this or that. However, our ability to make choices assumes we know who we are, what we are in pursuit of etc. BPD's lack this self identity - they are too impulsive... . what they think they need they need right now -sometimes its a matter of life or death to them. Looking further into this... .
When I hear those words now such as, defiant I envision a child getting ready to throw an object - you tell "him" not to yet "he" looks at you and does it anyway sometimes laughing asserting himself - pushing/testing limits to see what "he" can get away with and/or what your going to do about it. Each time a limit is reinforced, they learn security. Our BPD's live in a world with 24/7 emotional turmoil obliterating the security we laid out as a foundation for them using primitive defense mechanisms like a 4 yr old (splitting, denial, dissociation etc.) to make sense of the world around them, their thoughts and actions. They attempt to control their anxiety, their pain and their impulses to fit in... . to be "normal" to be "happy". This creates a lot of fear, helplessness and more chaos.
Control is a natural reaction to those feelings. So they desperately try to control themselves as if they can achieve it then their lives will be better: if only "I" could do this or that... . this is very overwhelming on top of everything else they are going through and for someone with the inability to regulate their emotions its no wonder chaos ensues. They eventually stop trying to control themselves and learn to control their environment and/or others turning those racing thoughts to: if only "they" could do this or that... . they are often rewarded now and then (intentional or not) reinforcing this. So this natural reaction becomes a need in the hope of obtaining the kind of security they crave latching onto it unable to as it can only be obtained by having a stable sense of self, a sense of belonging which stems directly from our thoughts which creates feelings which creates reality which creates actions.
Often times, a false sense of security develops from this control thinking they are doing good, feeling better etc which is just as much of an illusion as believing our car won't get damaged or broken into because its locked and in a lit up area. When that illusion gets pierced as it often does from time to time more anxiety is created creating more extreme thoughts and the need for more control... . none of this is planned out in advance - its reactionary and we all do it from time to time. However, in BPD's like any other thing its more pronounce and extremely exaggerated. So while the behavior may seem defiant, willful or manipulative I really don't think it is.
